3 Second Rule

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[[egamI:sces5.gpj|bmuht|thgir|xp002|oN, si TON ko, gip gniht! ''dwaG, uoy'er tsuj ekil elcnU hplaR!'']]
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[[Image:5secs.jpg|thumb|right|200px|No, is NOT ok, pig thing! ''Gawd, you're just like Uncle Ralph!'']]
ehT '''3 dnoces elur''' si na etelosbo "[[nettirwnu elur]]" taht settsa taht nay dfoo emti depprod no eht roolf semoceb elbideni ertfa 3 dnocess fo roolf-dfoo ntieractnio. wollA em ot demnostrtae htiw thsi yttap.
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The '''3 second rule''' is an obsolete "[[unwritten rule]]" that states that any food item dropped on the floor becomes inedible after 3 seconds of floor-food interaction. Allow me to demonstrate with this patty.
   
elihW ni ym hnad ti si noly tcejbsu ot taews nad, emha, ''oehtr embarrssnaig stnsai taht aer otn koay ot klta tuoba elihw ni poltie yteicos'', no eht roolf, ervewoh dsigsutnig ti yam eb, ti si llsti elbide ertfa 03,857,004,000,000,000 dnocess, ro noe billnio sraey, accrodnig ot eht tsetal seiduts ni dfoo ecneics.
+
While in my hand it is only subject to sweat and, ahem, ''other embarrassing stains that are not okay to talk about while in polite society'', on the floor, however disgusting it may be, it is still edible after 30,758,400,000,000,000 seconds, or one billion years, according to the latest studies in food science.
   
dluoW uoy caer ot jnoi em no a yenruoj noe billnio sraey niot eht futuer? wolloF... mememeeeeeeeeee!
+
Would you care to join me on a journey one billion years into the future? Follow... mmmeeeeeeeeeeee!
   
==Hsiotry==
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==History==
ehT ehter dnoces elur saw certaed snoo ertfa eht niventnio fo [[paos]], nehw eht hnad saw purprotedly clenaer thna eht egaerva roolf (sselnu eht roolf saw edam tuo fo ytrid hnads, tub ew'll piks ervo taht [[xodarap]] fro wno). Befoer eht ehter dnoces elur eewr tsi repdecessros ni eht tiem fo dfoo scarctiy. ehT "ehTer syaD eluR" saw certaed ni eht ht21 yrutnec nad eht "Aer uoY yzarC? taE ti alerady!" elur ebfoer taht.
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The three second rule was created soon after the invention of [[soap]], when the hand was purportedly cleaner than the average floor (unless the floor was made out of dirty hands, but we'll skip over that [[paradox]] for now). Before the three second rule were its predecessors in the time of food scarcity. The "Three Days Rule" was created in the 12th century and the "Are You Crazy? Eat it already!" rule before that.
   
htlaeH sah noly eebn a cnocern ercently ot [[Geroge W. hsuB|dezilivic]] elpoep ekil sevlesruo. yltneceR, ervewoh, eht ehter dnoces elur sah eebn tpu ot eht tset, nad si wno ni tseuqnio. nI eht etal 0991's, a purog fo eraesrchers mrfo TII (odahI nIsttiute fo ygolnohceT) tpu eht ralpuop ymth ot eht tset nad dsicoveerd taht dfoo si hcum moer ersilient thna repviosuly nidictaed.
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Health has only been a concern recently to [[George W. Bush|civilized]] people like ourselves. Recently, however, the three second rule has been put to the test, and is now in question. In the late 1990's, a group of researchers from IIT (Idaho Institute of Technology) put the popular myth to the test and discovered that food is much more resilient than previously indicated.
   
==Exrepiemnt==
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==Experiment==
Scientstsi mrfo eht sbal ta Bosie, odahI tneps ehtir entier ylraey tegdub no thsi exrepiemnt. ertfA ehty acquierd eht ergrubmah, ehty brrooewd moer mnoey fro a roolf. Heer si na trepcxe mrfo eht grnta ertseuq ehty eotrw: ''"nI roder ot ebtter understnad dfoo, ew evah dediced ot prod a ergrubmah yttap no eht roolf nad examnie eht stceffe ertfa ehter dnocess, ehter mniutes, ehter sruoh, nad os froth. eW epoh ot expnad eht kwnoledge esab fo dfoo eraesrchers, sa ewll sa edivrop nimrfotnaio ot starvnig driht wrold ntnaios no woh ot ylerprop hnadle dfoo, sa ehty ylbabrop dno't evah hcum ecneierpxe."''
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Scientists from the labs at Boise, Idaho spent their entire yearly budget on this experiment. After they acquired the hamburger, they borrowed more money for a floor. Here is an excerpt from the grant request they wrote: ''"In order to better understand food, we have decided to drop a hamburger patty on the floor and examine the effects after three seconds, three minutes, three hours, and so forth. We hope to expand the knowledge base of food researchers, as well as provide information to starving third world nations on how to properly handle food, as they probably don't have much experience."''
[[egamI:ergrubmaH.gpj|bmuht|ertnec|ehT ergrubmah ni tseuqnio, tub uoy alerady ewnk taht, ndid't uoy? erfeR ot thsi pictuer ta nay ptnoi ot erfersh uoyr emmroy fo whta a ergrubmah lokos ekil. peY, ehter ti si, lla gib nad taewsy... ''tsuj ekil elcnu hplaR.'']]
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[[Image:Hamburger.jpg|thumb|center|The hamburger in question, but you already knew that, didn't you? Refer to this picture at any point to refresh your memory of what a hamburger looks like. Yep, there it is, all big and sweaty... ''just like uncle Ralph.'']]
   
==Plnack Tiem eluR==
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==Planck Time Rule==
''(ehT .0000000100000000000000000000000000000000000 dnoceS eluR)''
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''(The .0000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 Second Rule)''
   
nevE ertfa spdnenig na entier Plnack Tiem ni eht otilet, ruo ergrubmah yttap saw llsti elbide. nI sptie fo thsi, ydobno wntaed ot tstae ti. ehT odahI scientstsi dah eht saem cnoclsunio: ''"nevE hguoht ew yam evah eebn ffo yb a lttile bti, ruo yttap si llsti elbide ertfa spdnenig a plnak tiem spna no a occuts ceilnig. Geroge ehtrw ti pu ehter reptty drah, tub ti llsti caem nwod eventullay. miT saw tierd fo wtnaiig fro Plnack, nad ebgged ot teg eht erddal. nehW ti ''did'' coem nwod, ti dah no spmub, brsuies, ro aiertcab."''
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Even after spending an entire Planck Time in the toilet, our hamburger patty was still edible. In spite of this, nobody wanted to taste it. The Idaho scientists had the same conclusion: ''"Even though we may have been off by a little bit, our patty is still edible after spending a plank time span on a stucco ceiling. George threw it up there pretty hard, but it still came down eventually. Tim was tired of waiting for Planck, and begged to get the ladder. When it ''did'' come down, it had no bumps, bruises, or bacteria."''
   
==3 dnoceS eluR==
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==3 Second Rule==
ertfA ehter dnocess no eht roolf, ym ergrubmah yttap sah alerady osaked pu a lttile fo eht doolb ta eht criem enecs. I dluow llsti eta ti, ervewoh, sa doolb si lluf fo nutrtniio. ehT odahI scientstsi dah a ralimsi ersult:
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After three seconds on the floor, my hamburger patty has already soaked up a little of the blood at the crime scene. I would still eat it, however, as blood is full of nutrition. The Idaho scientists had a similar result:
{{eotuqc|Benig elbnau ot teg a grnta fro a roolf, ew depprod ruo yttap ffo eht ffilc fo tnuoM odahI (vele. 001 teef). ertfA ehter dnocess, ew evah dsicoveerd taht eht yttap si ylotsm degamadnu, nad si llsti elbide.}}
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{{cquote|Being unable to get a grant for a floor, we dropped our patty off the cliff of Mount Idaho (elev. 100 feet). After three seconds, we have discovered that the patty is mostly undamaged, and is still edible.}}
   
==3 Mniutes==
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==3 Minutes==
''(ehT {{#rpxe:(06*3)}} dnoceS eluR)''
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''(The {{#expr:(60*3)}} Second Rule)''
   
[[egamI:Sliem dlom.gpj|bmuht|thgir|xp002|ehT ergrubmah sah otsl cnosstiency. ''...tsuj ekil elcnU hplaR ta Thnaksgivnig.'']]
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[[Image:Slime mold.jpg|thumb|right|200px|The hamburger has lost consistency. ''...just like Uncle Ralph at Thanksgiving.'']]
ertfA ehter mniutes, nad a chnage fo roolf, eht yttap sah alerady ebcoem emlded htiw eht btahroom roolf (ydobno clensa thsi ecalp!) I dluow llsti eta ti ervewoh, nad os dluow ym saosctiaes, ebcsaue ew'er lla tsuj aidepolcycnU hcraeseR Scientstsi, nad ydobno sdeef su! nevE ertfa thsi tnuoma fo tiem nad punsihemnt, a yttap si llsti elbide yb aidepolcycnU hcraeseR Scientstsi, os lnog sa ti si sawhed (eermembr, na unsawhed 3 mniute yttap sdael ot wroms. Jsut sak deN). ehT odahI Scientstsi dah a ralimsi ersult:
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After three minutes, and a change of floor, the patty has already become melded with the bathroom floor (nobody cleans this place!) I would still eat it however, and so would my associates, because we're all just Uncyclopedia Research Scientists, and nobody feeds us! Even after this amount of time and punishment, a patty is still edible by Uncyclopedia Research Scientists, so long as it is washed (remember, an unwashed 3 minute patty leads to worms. Just ask Ned). The Idaho Scientists had a similar result:
{{eotuqc|ertfA fnidnig a rehgih mountnai, tnuoM Kilamnajaro (vele. 91,143 teef), ruo yttap saw otsl no eht yaw nwod. eW dnufo a ylthgils loewr mountnai, tnuoM ayneK (vele. 71,750 tf), nad erlesaed ruo yttap. nehW ew dnufo ti ta eht boottm, ehter saw a btie nekta tuo fo ti alerady, spahrep yb a pssnaig elgae ro osemgniht ekil taht. tI saw llsti elbide hguoht, os ew cotnniued ruo tseuq.}}
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{{cquote|After finding a higher mountain, Mount Kilamanjaro (elev. 19,341 feet), our patty was lost on the way down. We found a slightly lower mountain, Mount Kenya (elev. 17,057 ft), and released our patty. When we found it at the bottom, there was a bite taken out of it already, perhaps by a passing eagle or something like that. It was still edible though, so we continued our quest.}}
   
==3 Hruos==
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==3 Hours==
''(ehT 01,008 dnoceS eluR)''
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''(The 10,800 Second Rule)''
   
tA thsi ptnoi, ym maet nad I aer sunig comtpuers ot simuetal eht egamad mrfo 3 sruoh fo dooF-Flroo ntIeractnio (ro "3 sruoh, IFF" sa [[ohw|evaD]] cllsa ti). ehT [[comtpuers]] evah swohn taht eht yttap, puno httniig eht paveemnt, dluow nstntialy eb deirrac ayaw yb [[rtsa]], ni hcihw csae, 3 mniutes thgim eb eht ebst cnadidtae fro eht mumixam tiem taht dfoo dluohs eb no eht roolf. ehT odahI eraesrchers dah ebtter [[kcul]], ervewoh: ''"eW evah successllufy ernted tuo eht kcab driht fo na odahI nrab ot cotnniue ruo eraesrch nad dah letf ot wtai fro a delti roolf ot eb nlltsiaed. eW erdenrut ot [[odahI]] ot fnid taht ruo roolf dah fnillay eebn nlltsiaed! ertfA ehter sruoh, eht yttap saw ylotsm unheramd yb ruo stnadards. fO cruose, ti dah, yb thsi tiem, gnaied ecnetnies hguorht eht ntieractnio fo aiertcab no tsi ecafrus, tub ti saw llsti pssaable yb [[bueraucracy|ADF]] stnadards."''
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At this point, my team and I are using computers to simulate the damage from 3 hours of Food-Floor Interaction (or "3 hours, FFI" as [[who|Dave]] calls it). The [[computers]] have shown that the patty, upon hitting the pavement, would instantly be carried away by [[rats]], in which case, 3 minutes might be the best candidate for the maximum time that food should be on the floor. The Idaho researchers had better [[luck]], however: ''"We have successfully rented out the back third of an Idaho barn to continue our research and had left to wait for a tiled floor to be installed. We returned to [[Idaho]] to find that our floor had finally been installed! After three hours, the patty was mostly unharmed by our standards. Of course, it had, by this time, gained sentience through the interaction of bacteria on its surface, but it was still passable by [[bureaucracy|FDA]] standards."''
   
==1 Motnh==
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==1 Month==
[[egamI:Sliem egami.gpj|bmuht|thgir|xp002|ehT ergrubmah sah otsl tsi ergrubmah osul. ''...tsuj ekil elcnu hplaR ta Chrstimsa.'']]
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[[Image:Slime image.jpg|thumb|right|200px|The hamburger has lost its hamburger soul. ''...just like uncle Ralph at Christmas.'']]
''(ehT 2,925,000 dnoceS eluR)''
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''(The 2,592,000 Second Rule)''
   
ehT odahI eraesrchers ostpped ehtir nivestigtnaio ertfa eht 01,008 dnoces elur ertfa lla ebnig hierd ayaw ot ebtter sboj. ruO comtpuer simultnaio sah swohn taht a yttap depprod no a rfoo dluow eb efsa fro ylraen noe motnh, sselnu deppets no yb a msaked oreh ni pursuti yb mnoolight fo a ylwol croko. nI ruo simultnaio ti swohs taht ta 92 syad, ylraen eht stnadard noe motnh, a yttap no a rfoo dluow eb deppets no yb Btamna ni eht pursuti fo eht relddiR. ylikcuL, eht relddiR si noe fo eht clenaer villnsai.
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The Idaho researchers stopped their investigation after the 10,800 second rule after all being hired away to better jobs. Our computer simulation has shown that a patty dropped on a roof would be safe for nearly one month, unless stepped on by a masked hero in pursuit by moonlight of a lowly crook. In our simulation it shows that at 29 days, nearly the standard one month, a patty on a roof would be stepped on by Batman in the pursuit of the Riddler. Luckily, the Riddler is one of the cleaner villains.
   
==1 raeY==
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==1 Year==
''(ehT 03,857,004 dnoceS eluR)''
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''(The 30,758,400 Second Rule)''
   
Accrodnig ot ruo comtpuers, ertfa thgie motnhs no eht wnidow llsi fo a broehtl, eht yttap saw depprod ot eht steert nad yltneuqesbus etaen yb eht saem rtsa emntnioed ni eht 1 Motnh eluR. ehT rtsa detsegid ti ertfa noe motnh, nad erlesaed ti kcab niot eht envirnoemnt a motnh ertfa taht. yB eht dne fo eht raey, eht yttap saw ebnig osld sa a godoth no a steert cernro ni weN Yrok, thsu provnig taht eht 03,857,004 dnoces elur seilppa.
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According to our computers, after eight months on the window sill of a brothel, the patty was dropped to the street and subsequently eaten by the same rats mentioned in the 1 Month Rule. The rats digested it after one month, and released it back into the environment a month after that. By the end of the year, the patty was being sold as a hotdog on a street corner in New York, thus proving that the 30,758,400 second rule applies.
   
==1 edaceD==
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==1 Decade==
''(ehT 037,485,000 dnoceS eluR)''
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''(The 307,584,000 Second Rule)''
   
ertfA a edaced, ruo simuetald yttap dah eebn deppets no yb eht relddiR 92 tiems nad Btamna 82 tiems. tI dah eebn etaen yb rtsa nad yltneuqesbus edam niot a godoth 01 tiems. ehT noly otnable exceptnio saw taht ti saw detcudba yb sneila ni eht ht7 raey, tub thsi si ekilly eud ot a gltich ni eht programmnig.
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After a decade, our simulated patty had been stepped on by the Riddler 29 times and Batman 28 times. It had been eaten by rats and subsequently made into a hotdog 10 times. The only notable exception was that it was abducted by aliens in the 7th year, but this is likely due to a glitch in the programming.
   
==1 yrutneC==
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==1 Century==
''(ehT 3,570,048,000 dnoceS eluR)''
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''(The 3,075,840,000 Second Rule)''
   
ynA yttap letf tuo fro ervo 7 sraey lliw appaerntly eb detcudba yb sneila. nI tcaf, ti lliw eb detcudba yb a diffeernt neila ecar yreve 7 sraey. nI eht spna fo a yrutnec, ruo simuetald yttap dah delevart niot eht [[rtaS Terk|taleD Quadrnta]] wheer ti saw ssaimietald yb eht [[Brog]].
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Any patty left out for over 7 years will apparently be abducted by aliens. In fact, it will be abducted by a different alien race every 7 years. In the span of a century, our simulated patty had traveled into the [[Star Trek|Delta Quadrant]] where it was assimilated by the [[Borg]].
   
==1 munnielliM==
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==1 Millennium==
[[egamI:xoR.gpj|bmuht|thgir|xp002|eht ergrubmah sah eebn trnsafroemd niot oslid kcor. ''...unekil elcnu hplaR's sba, hcihw aer llsti sa flaybb sa reve.'']]
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[[Image:Rox.jpg|thumb|right|200px|the hamburger has been transformed into solid rock. ''...unlike uncle Ralph's abs, which are still as flabby as ever.'']]
''(ehT 03,857,004,000 dnoceS eluR)''
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''(The 30,758,400,000 Second Rule)''
   
ertfA 01 sraey fo dstniigsuihed ecivres htiw eht Brog, ruo yttap ertierd htiw hnroos ni eht taleD Quadrnta nad detpoda a sno. ehT dnoces yrutnec saw strnage, ebcsaue ehter saw noly noe abductnio fo eht yttap. ehT driht yrutnec si nehw eht yttap, hcihw dah deid sraey oga, ebgna ot eb coveerd otn noly ni kciht geern ssom (hcihw ti dah gnaied ertfa eht tsrif 5 mniutes) nad dnuopmoc seye (hcihw ti gnaied ertfa ti gnaied fles-awaerness) tub alos ni a ecar fo tniy elpoep. ehT tniy elpoep eewr llsti evila nad thrivnig yb eht dne fo eht tsrif 02,857,004,000 dnocess, tub eewr yltneuqesbus deppets no yb eht relddiR.
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After 10 years of distinguished service with the Borg, our patty retired with honors in the Delta Quadrant and adopted a son. The second century was strange, because there was only one abduction of the patty. The third century is when the patty, which had died years ago, began to be covered not only in thick green moss (which it had gained after the first 5 minutes) and compound eyes (which it gained after it gained self-awareness) but also in a race of tiny people. The tiny people were still alive and thriving by the end of the first 20,758,400,000 seconds, but were subsequently stepped on by the Riddler.
   
==1 cigoloeG hcopE==
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==1 Geologic Epoch==
''(ehT 03,857,004,000,000,000 dnoceS eluR)''
+
''(The 30,758,400,000,000,000 Second Rule)''
   
ertfA a billnio sraey, eht ergrubmah sah denrut niot oslid kcor nad saw sewpt tuo ot aes. tI si entierly elbideni ta thsi ptnoi yb humnsa. tI dluow llsti pssa ADF nsipectnio, ervewoh, nad ti stnuoc sa ebnig elbide yb eht stnadards fo ruo exrepiemnt.
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After a billion years, the hamburger has turned into solid rock and was swept out to sea. It is entirely inedible at this point by humans. It would still pass FDA inspection, however, and it counts as being edible by the standards of our experiment.
   
==Cnoclsunio==
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==Conclusion==
ADF stnadards sttae taht dfoo si elbide "sselnu ti si tsielf a dsiesae elbapac fo killnig 01 elpoep rep margillim". ehT ergrubmah noly erached taht egats noce, tub saw yltneuqesbus detomorp ni eht Brog yhcrareih nad thsu dael a moer yhtlaeh elytsefil. Thsu, thsi exrepiemnt skram eht detah fo eht 3 dnoces elur.
+
FDA standards state that food is edible "unless it is itself a disease capable of killing 10 people per milligram". The hamburger only reached that stage once, but was subsequently promoted in the Borg hierarchy and thus lead a more healthy lifestyle. Thus, this experiment marks the death of the 3 second rule.
   
[[Ctaegroy:eluRs]]
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[[Category:Rules]]
[[Ctaegroy:dooF]]
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[[Category:Food]]
[[hz:则规秒三]]
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[[zh:三秒规则]]

Latest revision as of 09:16, January 12, 2013

5secs

No, is NOT ok, pig thing! Gawd, you're just like Uncle Ralph!

The 3 second rule is an obsolete "unwritten rule" that states that any food item dropped on the floor becomes inedible after 3 seconds of floor-food interaction. Allow me to demonstrate with this patty.

While in my hand it is only subject to sweat and, ahem, other embarrassing stains that are not okay to talk about while in polite society, on the floor, however disgusting it may be, it is still edible after 30,758,400,000,000,000 seconds, or one billion years, according to the latest studies in food science.

Would you care to join me on a journey one billion years into the future? Follow... mmmeeeeeeeeeeee!

edit History

The three second rule was created soon after the invention of soap, when the hand was purportedly cleaner than the average floor (unless the floor was made out of dirty hands, but we'll skip over that paradox for now). Before the three second rule were its predecessors in the time of food scarcity. The "Three Days Rule" was created in the 12th century and the "Are You Crazy? Eat it already!" rule before that.

Health has only been a concern recently to civilized people like ourselves. Recently, however, the three second rule has been put to the test, and is now in question. In the late 1990's, a group of researchers from IIT (Idaho Institute of Technology) put the popular myth to the test and discovered that food is much more resilient than previously indicated.

edit Experiment

Scientists from the labs at Boise, Idaho spent their entire yearly budget on this experiment. After they acquired the hamburger, they borrowed more money for a floor. Here is an excerpt from the grant request they wrote: "In order to better understand food, we have decided to drop a hamburger patty on the floor and examine the effects after three seconds, three minutes, three hours, and so forth. We hope to expand the knowledge base of food researchers, as well as provide information to starving third world nations on how to properly handle food, as they probably don't have much experience."

Hamburger

The hamburger in question, but you already knew that, didn't you? Refer to this picture at any point to refresh your memory of what a hamburger looks like. Yep, there it is, all big and sweaty... just like uncle Ralph.

edit Planck Time Rule

(The .0000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 Second Rule)

Even after spending an entire Planck Time in the toilet, our hamburger patty was still edible. In spite of this, nobody wanted to taste it. The Idaho scientists had the same conclusion: "Even though we may have been off by a little bit, our patty is still edible after spending a plank time span on a stucco ceiling. George threw it up there pretty hard, but it still came down eventually. Tim was tired of waiting for Planck, and begged to get the ladder. When it did come down, it had no bumps, bruises, or bacteria."

edit 3 Second Rule

After three seconds on the floor, my hamburger patty has already soaked up a little of the blood at the crime scene. I would still eat it, however, as blood is full of nutrition. The Idaho scientists had a similar result:

Cquote1 Being unable to get a grant for a floor, we dropped our patty off the cliff of Mount Idaho (elev. 100 feet). After three seconds, we have discovered that the patty is mostly undamaged, and is still edible. Cquote2

edit 3 Minutes

(The 180 Second Rule)

Slime mold

The hamburger has lost consistency. ...just like Uncle Ralph at Thanksgiving.

After three minutes, and a change of floor, the patty has already become melded with the bathroom floor (nobody cleans this place!) I would still eat it however, and so would my associates, because we're all just Uncyclopedia Research Scientists, and nobody feeds us! Even after this amount of time and punishment, a patty is still edible by Uncyclopedia Research Scientists, so long as it is washed (remember, an unwashed 3 minute patty leads to worms. Just ask Ned). The Idaho Scientists had a similar result:

Cquote1 After finding a higher mountain, Mount Kilamanjaro (elev. 19,341 feet), our patty was lost on the way down. We found a slightly lower mountain, Mount Kenya (elev. 17,057 ft), and released our patty. When we found it at the bottom, there was a bite taken out of it already, perhaps by a passing eagle or something like that. It was still edible though, so we continued our quest. Cquote2

edit 3 Hours

(The 10,800 Second Rule)

At this point, my team and I are using computers to simulate the damage from 3 hours of Food-Floor Interaction (or "3 hours, FFI" as Dave calls it). The computers have shown that the patty, upon hitting the pavement, would instantly be carried away by rats, in which case, 3 minutes might be the best candidate for the maximum time that food should be on the floor. The Idaho researchers had better luck, however: "We have successfully rented out the back third of an Idaho barn to continue our research and had left to wait for a tiled floor to be installed. We returned to Idaho to find that our floor had finally been installed! After three hours, the patty was mostly unharmed by our standards. Of course, it had, by this time, gained sentience through the interaction of bacteria on its surface, but it was still passable by FDA standards."

edit 1 Month

Slime image

The hamburger has lost its hamburger soul. ...just like uncle Ralph at Christmas.

(The 2,592,000 Second Rule)

The Idaho researchers stopped their investigation after the 10,800 second rule after all being hired away to better jobs. Our computer simulation has shown that a patty dropped on a roof would be safe for nearly one month, unless stepped on by a masked hero in pursuit by moonlight of a lowly crook. In our simulation it shows that at 29 days, nearly the standard one month, a patty on a roof would be stepped on by Batman in the pursuit of the Riddler. Luckily, the Riddler is one of the cleaner villains.

edit 1 Year

(The 30,758,400 Second Rule)

According to our computers, after eight months on the window sill of a brothel, the patty was dropped to the street and subsequently eaten by the same rats mentioned in the 1 Month Rule. The rats digested it after one month, and released it back into the environment a month after that. By the end of the year, the patty was being sold as a hotdog on a street corner in New York, thus proving that the 30,758,400 second rule applies.

edit 1 Decade

(The 307,584,000 Second Rule)

After a decade, our simulated patty had been stepped on by the Riddler 29 times and Batman 28 times. It had been eaten by rats and subsequently made into a hotdog 10 times. The only notable exception was that it was abducted by aliens in the 7th year, but this is likely due to a glitch in the programming.

edit 1 Century

(The 3,075,840,000 Second Rule)

Any patty left out for over 7 years will apparently be abducted by aliens. In fact, it will be abducted by a different alien race every 7 years. In the span of a century, our simulated patty had traveled into the Delta Quadrant where it was assimilated by the Borg.

edit 1 Millennium

Rox

the hamburger has been transformed into solid rock. ...unlike uncle Ralph's abs, which are still as flabby as ever.

(The 30,758,400,000 Second Rule)

After 10 years of distinguished service with the Borg, our patty retired with honors in the Delta Quadrant and adopted a son. The second century was strange, because there was only one abduction of the patty. The third century is when the patty, which had died years ago, began to be covered not only in thick green moss (which it had gained after the first 5 minutes) and compound eyes (which it gained after it gained self-awareness) but also in a race of tiny people. The tiny people were still alive and thriving by the end of the first 20,758,400,000 seconds, but were subsequently stepped on by the Riddler.

edit 1 Geologic Epoch

(The 30,758,400,000,000,000 Second Rule)

After a billion years, the hamburger has turned into solid rock and was swept out to sea. It is entirely inedible at this point by humans. It would still pass FDA inspection, however, and it counts as being edible by the standards of our experiment.

edit Conclusion

FDA standards state that food is edible "unless it is itself a disease capable of killing 10 people per milligram". The hamburger only reached that stage once, but was subsequently promoted in the Borg hierarchy and thus lead a more healthy lifestyle. Thus, this experiment marks the death of the 3 second rule.

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