300 (film)
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300 (original title 299.9 but this equals 300, so they decided to simplify) also known as Zoo because when you squint real hard the 3 changes into a little z, is loosely based on a graphic novel, which in turn is loosely based on a comic strip in the New Jersey Sunday paper, which is based on the battle of Thermopylae which in turn was based on a play by Oscar Wilde, who himself shamelessly ripped off an unreleased manuscript by Homerus and rewrote it, retroactively editing Emperor Palpatine and the Hunchback of Notre Dame into the storyline for some comic relief effect and as mandatory pop culture references. 300 was panned by the Iranians as being anti-Iranian; it is, after all, about an extremely large force lead by a cruel tyrant being thoroughly beaten by a small force of freedom loving Spartans utilizing their terrain or so say the Iranians but most people don't believe what they say any way.
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THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
A sequel to 300 is in the making and will be called "3,000,000" and it follows from the end of the 300 movie. The producer has promised to shoot the entire movie in slow motion. This movie will be about Leonidas's attempted siege of Los Angeles. The prequel to 300 is also in production. "3" is the story of Leonidas and his parents, who were tragically killed in a chainsaw murder-suicide. It is scheduled to be released the day Chuck Norris dies (06/06/666). Soulja Boy is supposed to be cast in this movie, but as rappers always get shot and stuff like that, the producers are unsure.
An interesting side note: Kiefer Sutherland was to be casted to play his '24' Character Jack Bauer in the 300 film to bring modernity to the story. His character was cut after a studio representative stated:
"We would have liked to have Jack Bauer in the 300 film. However, after serious deliberation and a few scripted battle scenes, we realised that if we included Mr. Bauer in the film, we should might as well change the name of the film to '1.'"
Plot??
The Geek city-state of Sparta(aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!) was the next in line to be conquered by the Iranians. Stressed about what to do, even after consulting a few Emperor Palpatine clones, King Leonidas had this conversation with his (quite hot) wife after having sex:
Leonidas: What must I do to defend SPARTAAAAAAAAA!?!
Gorgo: I think you should have hot gay sex with three hundred 299 other men.
Leonidas: (Misheard) Yes! I shall go to the Hot Gates with three hundred other men!
Gorgo: Fuck.
there is another conversation with the guy who nobody gives a shit about, let's call him fucknut
Fucknut: Das is modness.
Leonidas: ONE PIECE IS DA SHIT!
Fucknut: ANIME IS FOR N00BS WITH B00BS!
LEONIDAS: FUCK YOU, AND YOU AND YOU! *Leonidas kicks a lot of random people off in the pit*
another where Xerxes sends one of his Messengers:
Messenger: Hey, Leonidas, Xerxes says surrender or die.
Leonidas: Fuck you, bitch!! *Reveals his legendary Shit Cannon*
Messenger: You don't threaten the messenger! This is madness!!
Leonidas: Madness? THIS IS SPARTA!!! *Activates the Shit Cannon*
Leonidas: Die a shitty death in the pit!!
Messenger: ARRRRGH!!!
The valiant men marched towards Thermopylae, often in slow motion. There they created a big fence made of blasphemy and madness (which is actually just a pile of burning pillows) to block off the oncoming assault. From this point on.....they fought...a lot....with some sex too...heterosexual sex...good ol' heterosexual sex. Oh yeah, and a horribly deformed guy. Pretty sure I saw some boobs in there, too. Had the King'd army not died while dining in hell, his lines would have been, "TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELL! Tomorrow, I'm thinking ARBY'S!!"
Plot 2.0
The Emperor Xerxes of Persia, a nine foot tall Brazilian cross dresser invaded Greece after whipping the Hellespont for being naughty. Arriving with an army of a million sexually deviant slaves he sent emissaries to demand the fealty of the Greek city states. The Nazi's in Spata heard of this and - concerned that Xerxes would close down their gyms and tanning salons as well as requisitioning all waxing facilities for himself - decided to resist. Leonidas Macbeth, the Scottish king of Sparta got a free lap dance courtesy of a group of old men with serious skin conditions who lived on a mountain. They decided that he should not be allowed to defend the Spartan health-care program so Macbeth took 299 of his finest muscle marys off to the Hot Gates for a body-building dance off with Xerxes and his army.
After some shouting, oiling and posing the Persians got down to business and attacked the small force of Spartans with the most farcical military units that 30 years of Persian military research had been able to come up with. The Persians deployed a number of Weapons off Mass Confusion including (but not limited to) the Mk4 War RhinoTM, the M11367(b) Oliphant and Giant v2.450.001. Fortunately the Spartans knew the secrets of slowing time for dramatic effect and thus were able to slaughter most of the Persian army, even the special Persian NinjasTM that Xerxes had bought in a job lot from Chingis Han.
Pliny, the great historian, had this to say about the battle on the second day: "Their swords were in their hands, oiled and ready. The Spartan heroes had massaged each other before battle and fought, as was their custom, naked. Roughly did the Spartans treat with the enemy. They thrust hard until their muscles were sore and the enemy was a groaning mass beneath them. Hard they fought, wrestling upon the ground with the enemy, sometimes naked and panting spurting their contempt into the upturned faces of the degraded slaves. Finally the Persian cowards could take no more and limped uncomfortably from the field of battle. The Spartan heroes were near spent. The battle that day had been close."
Before Xerxes had run out of idiots for the Spartans to slaughter, Latexos - a man made entirely of latex rubber, sold out the Spartans by showing Xerxes a way around the Hot Gates and all was lost. Xerxes, feeling distraught and rejected that Macbeth had refused to "kneel before him" returned briefly to Persia to recruit more slaves, stopping only to have the Hellespont whipped again.
The two survivors of the Spartan force, Faramir son of Denethor of the city of Minas Tirinth, and Kratos from God of War, lead a great army of Greeks to catastrophic slaughter and total defeat at a great battle in the aftermath of Thermopyle. After this second destruction of the Greeks, Xerxes decided that they were not worth conquering and gave up on his plans for world domination, retiring to Persia with his lesbian concubines.
Analysis
Another possible interpretation for 300 is that it is quite clearly an unsubtle allegory for the modern political situation. For "Persian army numbering in the millions" read "Iranian Nuclear Enrichment Programme". For "300 Spartans" read "proposed UN sanctions". For the fearless warrior-king "Leonidas", read cowardly deserter "George W. Bush". In all honesty, 300 can be whatever you want it to be: Leonidas can be Santa Claus and Xerxes could be Satan. So meh.
Controversy
Around the time of the film being released, a woman entered a theatre in Springfield showing the film. When she asked the patrons (filled with retarded teenagers) whether or not this was Spider-Man 3, the famous pimp Salim Garami rose up and announced "FUCK NO!!! THIS IS SPARTA!!!", followed by a dropkick to at the woman to the well located at the back of theatre.
However, Garami has yet to be charged with murder, assault, or battery, as there was no body found of the woman in the well, however Waldo, Carmen Sandiego, and Timmy the dumbshit, who always looks down the well too deep were rescued, all three denying an incident was performed.
Criticism
Many reviewers bashed the film for not having enough blood, slow mo, deformed guys and angry men while "being too much like the Discovery Channel". The movie also stirred some controversy when some critics announced the film as a "American Propaganda Automobile", claiming it made the Greeks look like infidel invaders while making the Persians look like freedom fighters.
A reported 25% of the audience suffered major brain trauma by the confusing plot and the lack of talking animals. Another 12% died from homophobia and 0.67% suffered a bad case of conspiracy theory syndrome and constipation.
Others complained the title was misleading as the cast was filled with a lot more then 300 people.
Many other viewers complained about the orientation of the film. It was originally seen as the ultimate man film. Filled with fighting, blood, death and sex scenes of a varied nature. But the main focus of the film was on sweaty men, in skirts and other tight clothing, that people questioned 'What Men' was the film aimed at. Although the sex scenes complimented the film for being 'The Ultimate Man' film (especially the lesbian scene) there were many men complaining the the film made them question sexuality. One account was from a young man who, after seeing the film, commented "It made me feel so gay that I had to go watch a years worth of porn in a day."
On a lighter note, the sale of loincloths increased by 300% in the seconds following 300's release, leading many to assume a sequel, loosely based on Anal Warriors.
Recurrences of the number 300
- 300 is the number of years the dead body of Leonidas was held in the Persian Empire by the victorious Persians.
- 300 seconds of awkward nudity
- 300 million dust bunnies to blot out the sun
- 300 million times Leonidas yells 'THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAAAAA!!!'
- 300 bajillion times it has been compared to Gladiator
- 300 funny movie clips on YouTube
- 300 zillion times the movie goes into slow motion
- 300 seconds of complete and utter MADNESS followed by 1 hour and 45 minutes of BLASPHEMY.
- 300 pictures of half naked men who have chodes
- Every actor was paid $300. 300 times (in 300 seconds)
- 300 mg is the weight of The Queen's Royal Boobies
- The famous 'this is madness!' scene had to be shot 300 times in order to have Leonidas' face make that strange contortion the producers were seeking. 300 million bottles of Viagra was needed in the process
- 300 testicles of children that got sacked by micheal jackson in 3.00 seconds
- 300 decibels is how loud Leonidas shouts "THIS IS SPAAAAARTAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!"
- 300 Viagra pills per guy, and 300 for That Wierd Hunchbacked Spastic Dude
Quotes
(sample Narration) Narator: Hmmmm yes and so did the spartans have yet another fight scene,mmmmm indeed, it was long and filled with frankly pointless cinematic flourishes and occaisionally slow motion. hmmmmm and whilst this was happening i narated it in an incredibly nasal voice, mmmm daddy.oh and there was a war buffallo or some retarded shit, look at it go..... God I need a drink."
(SCENE: Leonidas and his army approach Satan and the Le Satan restaurant on B street in the 5th circle of hell)
Satan: Hello.
Leonidas: We wish to DINE IN HELL!
Satan: Do you have a reservation?
Leonidas: Yes, Billy-Joe...or was it Biscuit...made them last Friday. Right?
Army: HAROOH! HAROOH! HAROOH!
Satan: *puts on glasses and looks up reservations* Hmm...hmmm...no, sorry, I don't have you listed.
Leonidas: There must be some mistake. Look HARDER!
Satan: I'm sorry, you're not in here. And I can't get you a table without reservations.
Leonidas: This is BLASPHEMY!
Satan: Thank's for pointing that out, Captain Obvious. Considering we're in Hell, I never would have guessed. La-dee-fucking-da.
Leonidas: WHO FORGOT TO MAKE THE RESERVATIONS?!?
Various Spartans: It wasn't my job...not me...not me either...I had an appointment with my dermotologist that day...I think Cledus was supposed to do it...I think YOUR MOM was supposed to do it...oohhh, burn!...
Leonidas: This is MADNESS! This is...
Satan: SPARTAAAAAAA!!!
Leonidas: *stares* Well, that was certainly uncalled for. I was simply going to say this is going to screw up our schedule SO bad. Screw it up the ass until it bleeds. Well, come on men, PREPARE TO DINE IN HEAVEN!
Various Spartans: Aw, man...*grumble grumble* I can't stand Heaven...yeah...the toilets always have pee on the seats...the T.V. never comes in, and I wanted to watch the game!...you think that's bad? One time I found a pube in my ceasar salad!...*grumble grumble*
Leonidas: Maybe... *kicks Satan in the balls [Possibly the first to do so] completely shattering them* ...now we shall dine in Hell again!!
Kratos: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?! I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY FUCKING SPARTAN HERE!!!!
Leonidas: YOU ARE A SPARTAN!?! THEN TONIGHT, 300 SPARTANS SHALL DINE IN HELL!!!
Master Cheif: Can I join you? I'm a Spartan myself.
Leonidas: WHY NOT!?! EVERYONE WHO IS A SPARTAAAAAAAAAN CAN JOIN!!! THAT'S 301!!!
Kratos: I wonder, is Ares in HELL!?!
(SCENE: Leonidas with 301 Spartans rampaging through Satan's restaurant, killing demons and shit in their way, and most of the stuff not in their way)
Leonidas and Kratos: Now, WHERE'S MY DINNNNNNNNNNNNER!?!
See Also
- Action Movie - A light spoof of action films, including 300
- Trojan War
- Xerxes, a kind God.
- Leonidas, the man-thong wearing king of SPARTAAAAAAAAAA!!!.
- David Wenham, aka Dilios - The Everlasting Gob of Sparta
- Thermopylae
- Some Other 300 Page
- YGGDRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!
- Chest-kick
- Sparta
- AAAAAAA!
- PG Version
- MAX 300
Freaks and Greeks
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| Gods & Titans: | Zeus - Poseidon - Aphrodite - Chaos - Chronos - Hermaphrodite - Athena - Hades - Prometheus |
| Greece: | Ancient Greece - Athens - Sparta - Rhodes - Thermopylae - Delphi - Geece |
| Greecey Food: | Olives - Olive Oil - Wheat - Darth Feta - Ouzo |
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