25 Things not to do at a Stop Sign

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An apparent protest to monogamous relationships.

While stop signs may be great for public traffic safety, the United States Bureau of Controlling Public Action recommends the following twenty-five (25) things never be attempted or even considered while stopped at a stop sign.

Perspectives on the List's Origin

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Traditional Jewish Perspective

Traditional Jewish faith states that, dating back as far as 1000 B.C.E., the original "10 Things not to do at a Stop Sign" were handed down from God to Moses upon the jagged peak of Mount Sinai, as well as the entire Torah, in which Moses writes about his own death thus proving freewill does not exist. And so, the list itself has been engraved on multiple stone tablets, and has been hidden all over the Internet, protected by dedicated World of Warcraft players and dire script kiddies.

Scholarly Historical Perspective

Scholars have uncovered evidence that indicates that the ancient Jewish people actually had a list known as the "10 Commandments God Would Recommend be Followed for the Safety of All Mankind, although Not Necessary," and that it was actually written as far back as 1001 B.C.E. This lists includes the following items, which are very similar to the first ten items on the modern "not to do" list:

  • 1. Debate with yourself over whether that nearby man with the "Help Me" sign really is homeless or whether he has a white collar job and is for some reason ripping off warm-hearted Christians, when really you know the truth and just don't want to donate.
  • 2. Synchronize Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon with The Wizard of Oz.
  • 3. Call and inform your former ex-boyfriend of the now-occurring consequences of break-up sex.
  • 4. Abstain from having sex until marriage.
  • 5. Give Ghost Rider a second chance, only to realize that it really was that shitty.
  • 6. Find Jesus.
  • 7. Finally get around to shaving the hair on your nipples.
  • 8. Find Waldo.
  • 9. Find a piece of paper on which you will write down one of those brilliant ideas you have every once in a while, such as writing a symphony consisting entirely of rests, or saying tartar-control toothpaste is only necessary after eating tartar sauce.
  • 10. Figure out where "it all went wrong."

Installed near the Dead Sea shortly after the Jewish Exodus.

However, years later, the Egyptians sought justice against the Jews tricking them into running into the deep part of the Dead Sea while the Jews ran on the shallow part. The Egyptians stole the 10 Commandments God Would Recommend be Followed for the Safety of All Mankind, although Not Necessary and added an additional five commandments, which were very similar to the following:

  • 11. Take the quantity of idle time it takes at a stop sign and turn it into quality time to find out how your children are doing in school because those commercials for "The Family Table" make you feel like you're suppose to pretend to care about that kind of shit.
  • 12. Give Spider-Man 3 a second chance, only to realize that it really was that shitty.
  • 13. Try really hard to figure out the exact year that you're finally going to "have time" to start working out.
  • 14. Write an angry letter to Disney, forty years after Walt Disney's death, informing them that they raped Alice in Wonderland because it is "nothing like the book" and that it "ruined" your childhood.
  • 15. Wait for Jesus to return. (Any day now...)

Following this, the Greeks adopted the Egyptian culture, including the Fifteen Commandments, when Egypt was air-raided. Likewise, the Romans stole the Greek culture, including the Fifteen Commandments, when they

... just freakin' felt like it. Actually, you know what? We didn't steal shit from those Greeks; we're nothing like them. In fact, we came first. Write that in your fucking history book, you pseudo-empirical, pseudo-scientific guesswork theorist!

By this time, the Jews absolutely hated the Romans, as did the Romans hate the Jews, and there was no way in Sheol that a Jew would be a Roman citizen. Because of this hatred, the Jews acted in what Fredrick Nietzsche would later refer to as ressentiment by adopting the Roman Fifteen Commandments and inverting them by adding "Thou Shalt Not" in front of each commandment, ignoring the fact that by doing this they were negating the original Ten Commandments of God.

Christianizing of the List

Around this time, one particular Jew started preaching about how people were being oppressed, the Old Laws were not longer important, and the only True Law was unconditional love; so obviously his religion adopted those laws and went on a rampage of destruction. While it did not change the essence of these commandments, it did replace some words with "Jesus" and Christian-sounding ideas and even canonized a few items as Saints, which is why the modern list refers to Jesus when the commandments were supposed to have been written a long, long time ago.


In the twentieth century, people began to question the authenticity of Christianity and of the existence of a personal God. The commandments were also questioned. The verdict was: rejection. And by rejection, they meant keeping the Christian morals, but adding ten more to make it sound like secular liberalism is not just a continuation of Christianity. The ten are as follows:

  • 16. Lose your mind and confess the whole murder to the nearest child.
  • 17. Call your ex-girlfriend from twenty years ago to tell her it "really wasn't what it looked like" and "if it had been, why would" you "still be calling" her "twenty years later?"
  • 18. Give Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End a second chance, only to realize that it really was that shitty.
  • 19. Call your former coach from twenty years ago and tell him you "have no idea who that girl was" that walked in on you two.
  • 20. Lice treatment.
  • 21. Note every difference between the Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban movie and book.
  • 22. Take a shit.
  • 23. Wash your hands after taking a shit.
  • 24. Stop sounding like an idiot by actually figuring out how to operate Linux without only claiming to know how because you happened to have installed Mandrake on one computer in your house in the past.
  • 25. Block traffic by actually stopping your vehicle.
Note: It has been rumored that items 17 and 19 were actually added by a middle-aged Adolf Hitler.

Adoption by the Federal Government

In 1948, the United Statesof America Bureau of Controlling Public Action (BCPA) stepped in and banned the list from being published. During the 1960s, everyone forgot about the list in a mysterious epidemic known as the "Great Memory Loss". In 1995, the BCPA turned the list into federal law, enforcing them as traffic safety. That is not because they are related to driving, or even because they are safe, but because people need laws in order to maintain a civilized society, no matter what category of everyday life they are applied to or what they command; and that particular list was already written up, so it was convenient.

The government knows what is best for you.

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