December 21, 2012

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“The bad news is we'll ALL be dead! The good news is so will the terrorists!!”

~ Dubya's take on 2012 apocalypse

“Well, it's not going to be THAT bad”

~ Captain Understatement on December 21, 2012

December 21, 2012 is kinda interesting 'cause it's "The End of the World". You know what happens, everybody starts putting out all these bad vibes, and the Earth overheats and explodes. Something which would be gnarly-to-the-max, and obviously a major bummer.

This is probably not to be taken seriously (of-course), as it was only predicted by a few quacks, such as: Nostradamus, Cibyl, The Bible, NASA, Mayan Calendar, Merlin, Houdini, Joan or Ark, Timothy Leary, Sid Vicious, William Westmoreland, Ann Landers, David Copperfield, and Roland Emmerich ... and not to forget the Hopi people, who accurately predicted both the rise and fall of the dinosaurs, as well as the rise, and subsequent second coming of Ron Jeremy in the 2002 film Back by Midnight.

Based on these rather dubious sources it is reasonable to assume that everything is going to remain as screwed-up as it already is. However, just to be on the safe side, you better get your shovel and start digging. Be sure to take along a lifetime supply of poontang, or at-least enough to last the several million years it will take for the Earth to recover from whatever is surely about to happen.

Contents 1 Primary Method of Destruction 1.1 Other (possible) Methods of Destruction 2 Why December 21, 2012? 3 Inscription 4 Galactic Alignment 4.1 The Dark Riff 5 Dissemination 5.1 Movie 5.2 History Channel 6 Top Survival Methods 6.1 Be smarter than the apocalypse 7 What will YOU do about it? 8 See also 9 References 10 External link

[edit] Primary Method of Destruction

So if it does happen, what's going to happen? Well, opinion is divided. However after literally months of careful Gatekeeping, Wiki layering, and banning hippies Uncyclopedia has been able to distil the knowledge gathered from the collective conciousness into the following opinion:

The core of the Earth just fucking explodes for no good goddamn reason other than it being mothafuckin' Dec 21, 2012, and it gets so pissed off with all the crap everyone is talking about that it just blows the shit out of itself anyway.

[edit] Other (possible) Methods of Destruction

1. Planet Niribu (Planet X) will crash into the Moon and the resulting blast will destroy the nearest star, Venus, thus wiping out Islam,
2. A 9 Iron, which we initially mistake as an Asteroid, will strike the Earth going 200,402,000,110 miles per second. The resulting impact will hurl the Earth to the center of this Galaxy for a perfect "black-hole-in-one". God tips his caddy, and shoots "0" on eighteen holes (Black-hole-in-ones are counted as a "0" stroke, and God got 18 in a row),
3. Pole Shift caused by shifting poles. THIS will make a hell-of-a-mess on the surface, so, again, start digging,
4. Sun's huge Gamma Ray Solar Blast strikes the Earth and fries every living being and non-being. Don't worry, it's just temporary,
5. Meteor the size of a golf ball strikes the Earth at three billion times the speed of light, resulting in the entire Solar System bursting back into primordial soup. Only the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) survives,
6. The year Y2k bug finally gets it's shit together.
7. Extreme climate change causes the climate to change extremely,
8. Stupid Ivan in Russia pushes the wrong goddamn button,
9. Dumb Billy-Bob in USA pushes the wrong goddamn button,
10. Nigel in UK pushes the wrong goddamn button,
11. One Hung Low in China pushes the wrong goddamn button,
12. India and Pakistan both push the RIGHT goddamn buttons,
13. North Korea wish they HAD a wrong-goddamn button to push,
14. Iran wish they knew what a "button" looked like (there is no mention of "button" in the Koran),
15. Angry at being demoted to a Dwarf Planet, Pluto gets it's revenge,
16. The North Koreans test a billion mega-ton nuke, which back fires, blowing the Earth away,
17. Those idiots at CERN finally do something really stupid.
18. The Balinese Turtle thinks screw it and turns on his side.
19. Osama Bin Laden takes over the obliterated Earth (having survived in his cave).
20. The sun is just a big jerk, waiting for all the planets to line up before he explodes.
21. The combine invasion
22. 
23. Sarah Palin is elected in the 2012 election and her foreign policy fails, thus destroying the Earth
24. Third-World Countries fight to become Second World, resulting conflict kills everyone.
25. Somebody accidentally divides by zero.
26. Satan rises from bowels of hell to get Taco Bell, mistaken as apocalypse.
27. Death Star shoots Earth, a thousand souls cry out and are silenced.
28. The 3 Micheal Jackson specials stop playing, resulting in mass voids in programming. Devastation.
29. Zombie Apocalypse, people flock to Bass Pro Shop in a desparate attempt to survive.
30. Canada finally goes to war, thus destroying the world.

[edit] Why December 21, 2012?

• Because Samuel L. Mothafuckin' Jackson's in a 'transitional period'!
• Google says so! YouTube says so! Uncyclopedia says so, fool!
• Mr T is in complete agreement.
• Because America voted for "change".
• Someone found the prediction in a fortune cookie.
• Nostradamus drew something like three lunar eclipses, followed by a monster over a tree.
• Jack Bauer cursed the screen writers of "24" to die on Dec 21, 2012.
• Dr. Kevorkian will be released from prison on that date.
• On a stone-carving the Mayan's end their calendar on THAT day.
• Various people are known to have calendars for the next decade, and as one of them ends at the end of 2012, that signifies death and destruction then.

[edit] Inscription

Only a single Maya inscription, “Tortuguero”, directly mentions the end of the 13th baktun, which corresponds to Dec 21, 2012. It has been defaced several times over, though Mayan scholar Clubber Lange (Mr. T) has attempted to imagine a translation:

Tzuhtz-(a)j-oom u(y)-uxlajuun pik

(ta) Chan Ajaw ux(-te') Uniiw.

Uht-oom ...

Y-em(al) ... Bolon Yookte' K'uh ta

TRANSLATION: "Listen up, fool, on December 21, 2012, yo, yo family, and all yo mothafuckin' friends can kiss MY fancy ass good bye." and further, "Bolon Yookte' K'uh ta" means, "Ain't gonna be no rematch!"

A less trendy explanation of why the Mayan Calander ends abruptly is that the Mayan Civilization hasn't been around to make a new one because we slaughtered the entire civilisation shortly after 'discovering' it. The arrival of the invaders was 'apparently' something which they predicted exactly to the day. No really to the day. Bullshit? Well look it up dickwad.... anyway ... Did I mention the 8,000 books they had? ... and that we 'apparently' torched all but 3 of them, and it's mostly from these 3 books that we actually get all our information about them, and ... What was in the other books? and ... Why the living mother of hell did they burn them all???

[edit] Galactic Alignment

Ringo Starr's book, The Secret Teachings of All Ages, inspired further speculation by George, Paul and John in the mid-1970s, noting the relationship of December 21, 2012 with the winter solstice. This date causes the Galactic Alignment - when Earth passes through the Dark Riff, and THAT's, mega cool, like a Judas Priest power chord. Unless 'shit happens' that's a serious bummer, like the fuzz show up, or somethin' gnarly.

[edit] The Dark Riff

According to Rockologists, such as Dick Clark, the Dark Riff was actually, "Purple Haze", or, maybe, "My Generation", or "Smoke On the Water", or "Train Kept-a Rollin'", or "Beat It", or "Hell's Bells", though the commonly accepted version is "Sunshine of Your Love," still it is actually, "Back in Black" that's the real Dark Riff.

[edit] Dissemination

Interest in the 2012 doomsday prediction has spread rapidly in recent years as a result of a groundswell of Internet sites and blogs, as well as numerous books and television series on the subject. Everyone is like, "Holy SHIT!!!" The old Motown hit, "No where to run to, baby, no where to hide!" Is permanently at number one on Billboard.

[edit] Movie

The new film 2012, directed by Roland Emmerich and starring Danny Glover, Woody Harrelson, Don Martin, Paris Hilton (Person), and Cheech and Chong, is scheduled for release on Dec 21, 2012^[1]. The movie is about a farewell party thrown by Emmerich with all the above named taking turns with Paris Hilton (Person) on the night of Dec. 20, 2012. The film's budget of $600 million is considered by Emmerich to be, "cheap at twice the price!" - for the chance to fuck Paris.

[edit] History Channel

Over recent years the television network the History Channel has played a major role in scaring the living shit out of everyone with their alarmist ideas of 2012.^[2][3] In its coverage, it relates to the present day a number of doomsday prophecies derived from non-Mayan sources,^[4] referencing (among others) predictions ascribed to the Hopi people, the Book of Revelation by John of Patmos, the Cumaean Sybil, the quatrains of Nostradamus (which specifically mention the end of the world^[5]) and a version of the anonymous 14th-century Vaticinia de Summis Pontificibus that the History Channel has dubbed The Lost Verse of The Lost Chapter of The Lost Book of Lost-radamus,^[6] as well as the prophecies of the semi-legendary Merlin, and Mama Shipton,^[7].

[edit] Top Survival Methods

• Emigrate to another Solar System.
• Dig a hole to the center of the Earth and live on the beach.
• Don’t! - Die like a man.
• Don’t! - Die like a woman.
• Don’t! - Die like a transvestite.
• Accept Jesus as your "life boat" (which is no way to treat a friend! I mean, really!?).
• Sit down, stick your elbow in your ear, practice Yoga, it's all an illusion (repeat this mantra).
• Grab the kids, sit on the roof of your house and watch the show while eatting pop corn!
• Do what you want to do, Be who you want to be becasue it's not going to matter after the event.
• Ring all of the world leaders and tell them "I told you so!"
• Place a brown paper bag over your head lie on the ground and accept it.
• Make friends with death.
• Do something that will actually guarentee survival that is actually possible. Like making a fucking lead bunker or something

[edit] Be smarter than the apocalypse

“All those who die before December 21, 2012 will have the last laugh!”

~ George Carlin on December 21, 2012

Kill yourself before Dec. 21, 2012. All those who are already dead before Dec. 21, 2012 will be the ONLY survivors. Remember, when faced with the World's End, *death* is the best hiding place.

[edit] What will YOU do about it?

• Sacrifice a virgin by throwing your mother-in-law into a volcano.
• Go meet Joe Pesci face-to-face and tell him, "Spit-shine Tommy sent me!"
• There are no other alternatives other than digging your own grave.
• Remember old Chinese wisdom, "man who already dead cannot be killed!"
• Moby Dick's "Queequeg" had the right attitude to adopt.
• Study the "Bardo Thodal" or Tibetan Book of the Dead.
• Rob the nearest bank and head for the "red-light" district (what could happen?).
• Don't pay the IRS jack-shit! (in which case you pray for the freakin' apocalypse!).
• How to know when the time has come? - LOOK AT YOUR CALENDAR, STUPID!
• Put your head between your legs and kiss your arse goodbye!
• Watch all of your recorded stuff which you never got around to watching.
• Get drunk, party, eat twice your body weight, max out all your credit cards, and have lots of unprotected sex with many partners, all at the same time.
• Pray to Jesus, Buddha, God, Allah, Yaweh, The Nine Divines, Zeus, Dagon, Raptor Jesus, Aku Aku, Chuck Norris, Virgin Mary, or that Elephant-headed six-armed Hindu god to save your sorry ass.

[edit] See also

• Nibiru
• Doomsday
• Mayan Calendar
• 2012 Doomsday prediction
• Microsoft
• Y2K Bug
• The Dutch claim it is 2220 and not 2012

[edit] References

[edit] External link

• The History Channel, 2012 program listings and video clips.
• http://el2012.wordpress.com/
• 2012 the Movie
• Some guy going on about it