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2008 UEFA Bloodbath Euro Championships
|
|
| Teams
| 18 17 16 16
|
| Host
| Ireland
|
| Venues
| 8
|
| Champions
|  Germany
|
| Second Place
|  Ireland
|
| Third Place
|  Russia
|
| Fourth Place
|  Sweden
|
| Matches Played
| 33
|
| Kills Scored
| A lot
|
| Attendance
| 38,469,192.6666666...
|
| Total Deaths
| 38,469,192.6666666...
|
The 2008 UEFa Bloodbath Euro Championships (officially titled 2008 UEFA European Championships Republic of Ireland, also oficially titled UEFA European Championships 2008 Poblacht na h'Éireann, sometimes referred to as the UEFA Euro Championships or simply just the Euro Championship or even more simply as The Euro) finals took place in Ireland from March 1-March 28, 2008. Qualification for the tournament was completed in November-December 2006, with all 22 18 16 17 16 competing teams confirmed.
The tournament was a veritable gore-fest of battering, flattening and splattering, with Europe's elite Bloodbath nations coming together to participate in yet another Bloodbath Euro Championships.
[edit] Erin 2008
The 2008 event was hosted by Ireland, much to the surprise of the English. In June 2004, they won the rights to this over Germany (mostly because of the fact that Deutschland had just hosted a small, unimportant event that nobody cared about known as the Bloodbath World Cup 2006), Poland, England (ha ha!), Spain, France, Greece, Norway, Iceland, Kazakhstan and the unimportant island tribe of America.
[edit] Venues
The following teams qualified to particiate in the 2008 UEFA Bloodbath Euro Championships. 13 of the 16 teams that qualified had to do so by surviving the "2008 UEFA Bloodbath Euro Championships Qualifications Tournament" that took place in November-December, 2006. The other two, Ireland, Turkey and France, didn't participate in the qualifier, yet still qualified...Ireland is the host country (obviously) so they get an automatic bid in, Turkey won the 2004 UEFA Bloodbath Euro Championships, and therefore got an automatic entry in, and a bunch of random drunk French panzies (in otherwords typical, everyday Frenchmen) bribed some random Irishman to let them get in for free. The Irishman was rewarded with a lifetime supply of beer.
(The number in []'s is the team's rank in this tournament. The team's rank in ()'s is the team's rank in the world)
[edit] The Qualifiers
- In one of the most unforgettable matches of the qualifier, Greece (who has never qualified for the Euro Championships or the World Cup) took out nearly a dozen nations before finally being eliminated by rival Bulgaria 13-12. Had Greece beaten Bulgaria, Greece would've qualified for the Euro's for the first time ever.
- In one of the final matches of the qualifier, France tied against arch-rival Germany 8-8. The officials couldn't decide which one to move on, so they just decided that both France and Germany would qualify. This decision eliminated Romania.
- Italy barely survived elimination. They were behind 7-1 against Estonia in a game in which they would've been eliminated had they lost, before scoring 5 kills in just 30 minutes and coming back to win 10-8. Estonia would later be eliminated by Russia.
- The Isle of Man was impressive as they defeated and eliminated Ukraine 6-1. Unfortunately for them, the very next match they lost 16-2 against Germany and the match after that were eliminated 17-6 against The Netherlands.
- San Marino was actually eliminated twice, once against Norway and the second against China. The most impressive record though is held by Luxembourg, one of the stronger bloodbath nations and one that most people predicted to at least qualify if not win it all. Luxembourg was eliminated 4 times, against Germany, Greece, Estonia and Spain.
[edit] Groups
Each of the qualifing teams were numbered off 1-4; 1's being a group, 2's being a group, 3's being a group and everyone else (not 4's, everyone else) being a group.
So ya, that's pretty much the way it goes. Ve devided zhay teams into groups, zhen zhe killingz beginz! Mwah-ha-ha-ha!
[edit] Group A
All times are what time it was in Dublin (UTC +0)
- In the first match of Group A, France defeated Sweden 6-4. The Team Captain for the French, Napoleon Bonaparte, called in sick at the very last minute. Despite all of this, the French got a lot of support from Joan of Arc, You and Louis XVI. I really wish that this summary was good, but I suck at writing, so ya.
- The Germans started this one out falling behind 3-0 after only 1:00. They rallied and fiercely defeated their rivals 4-3...but then at the last minute, Polish team captain Jedi Master Mace Windu randomly came out of nowhere and cut off Sean Connery's head, making it 4-4. It obviously stayed that way for the last 6 seconds of the match.
- The Swedes came to play here, pulling off the upset against Germany, the 3rd ranked team in the world. Just seconds after starting the game, everybody on both sides sat down and had a Texas Hold'Em tournament; you're out, you die. It was one of the most entertaining games thusfar in Group A.
- In a rather interesting match, France was absolutely on fire to begin, scoring 4 kills in the first 15 minutes of the match. Unfortunately (for the French) they choked. Unfortunately (for the English), they still couldn't do anything about it. The score remained 4-0 for 8:58 before Obi-Wan Kenobi hijacked his own ship and dropped an h-bomb on the French. Ironically, this only gained 4 kills for some strange reason. Then again, they are French, and France in French means "Land of the Cockroaches". Rioting ensued in Paris because of this fact.
- In the final battle of the Group A thing for these two squads, Germany absolutely annihalted France 13-4. The deadly duo of Rammstein and Crazy Frog just absolutely were set free as they combined for over half of the team's kills. Hey, what are we? Chopped liver? Who said that? I did. Are you French? Oui. Ach! Halt's Maul du Schweinehund! Wir toten dich!!! Hey, German, why don't you shut your face?! Bist du Englisch? Yes. Ach! Both of you are going to die! DEUTSCHLAND!!! DEUTSCHLAND!!! DEUTSCHLAND!!! TO BE CONTINUED...
- England only needed a win to advance. They didn't get that win. They scored more kills in this one match against Sweden then they did in the whole group play of the 2002 Bloodbath World Cup, yet they still lost. R.I.P. England, you will not be forgotten...DEUTSCHLAND!!! DEUTSCHLAND!!! DEUTSCHLAND!!!
[edit] Group B
All times also Dublin time (UTC +0).
- In the match that kicked off the 2008 UEFA Bloodbath Euro Championships for Group B, The Vatican (2nd best Bloodbath Nation in the entire world), was upset by España
y & "Los Conquistadores". Of course it helps the fact that Spain had crushed enemy México 16-2 just four days before the tournament began, but we'll just leave out that part because it's a very touchy subject for Mexicans. (Mexico was not part of Europe)
- Italy's and Bulgaria's first matches of the thing turned out to be a fairly good one, with Giuseppe Garibaldi and Victor Emmanuel II getting two kills a piece for Italy and Simeon I also getting 2 kills for Bulgaria. The Italian Guy That Went to Malta, That One Guy, The Mafia and Batman also had one kill a piece. I wish that this summary was as good as the match, I'd be nominated for that one prize."
- What originally was of the most anticipated matches of group play turned out to be one of the most one sided matches in Euro Championship history. Lasting just 36 minutes, Bulgaria destroyed The Vatican 10-1. Vatican City just absolutely choked and crumbled after 6 minutes when their best player, some random guy named Allah, was completely and totally dominated by a Bulgarian tank shell. The defeat officially eliminated Vatican, who most people predicted to take it all......DEUTSCHLAND!!! DEUTSCHLAND!!! DEUTSCHLAND!!!
| Thursday 6 March 2008
|
Italy 
| 10-10
|  Spain
| Belfast
|
| Giuseppe Garibaldi (2), Mario (2), Pizza (2), The Italian Guy That Went to Malta, You, <insert name here>, Luigi
| 14:03
| Pizarro (3), Cortés (2), Bananas in Pajamas (2), Mario, Madrid, Jon Willingham
|
- In a battle between rivals that pretty much speak the same language, España tied against Italia. It was a fierce battle that lasted a little over 14 hours, and it ended in a tie 10-10. The two teams just absolutely went at it when---Hey you, ya you. What? You stole my bike! I did?! Ya! How come I wasn't informed of this? Get back here you bastard! Oh s***! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!...We apologize for the fault in this summary; those responsible for this fault shall soon be sacked.
- In the single bloodiest match in the history of the Euro's, Spain defeated Bulgaria 64-10. Bulgaria had been on fire; having a 10-3 lead 5:20 minutes into the match. Just then, the Spanish made an unexpected move; every single one of their players left the stadium. Once all of their players were away from danger, (and just when Bulgaria started to celebrate because they thought they had won it), Francisco Franco dropped a nuclear bomb he had "borrowed" from the United States on the Bulgarians; instantly killing all 64 members of the Bulgarian team.
- In a fierce battle between these Italian speaking rivals, it ended up as a tie 5-5. Vatican City just couldn't get things going today, as their frustrating Euro 2008 has come to an end. As for Italy, they---...We apologize for the fault in the summary, it's writer, <insert name here>, was stabbed in the back right in the middle of writing it by a Vatican fan. Rioting ensued in Paris as a result of this fact.
[edit] Group C
I think you get the point that all times are Dublin times (UTC +0)
| Saturday 1 March 2008
|
| Ireland
| 12-10
|  Scotland
| Dublin
|
| Oscar Wilde (3), Jon Willingham (3), Qui-Gon Jinn (2), Bono (2), Kelly, Jack Daniels
| 10:46
| William Wallace (3), Mel Gibson (3), Jon Willingham, <insert name here>, You, Whiskey
|
- In the very first match of the 2008 UEFA Bloodbath European Championships, Ireland defeated Scotland in a really, good match 12-10. Both sides had strong performances from Jon Willingham in this fierce battle between the two Celtic nations. If only this report was as good as the
math match, I'd win the Nobel Prize! But I'm not Jesusfreak or anything, so I'm not going to.
- So ya, in the first match for the Russians (and those weirdos from some random place between France and England called Guernsey, or something like that) it was pretty much complete and total domination. Le Saux, team captain for Guernsey, had the match of his lifetime, scoring 10 kills against the Russians. The entire time, he was manning a machine gun post that the Russians kept forgetting where it was.
- Sometime between Tuesday and Friday, Guernsey team captain Le Saux got a cold, forcing him to miss the game...at least, that's the theory. In reality, he actually had won a pair of tickets to the Figure Skating Championship thingy on Mars, and that's why he missed the match, but I'm not supposed to tell anyone that because it's a secret and he paid me $6.45 to keep it a secret he did, yep yep yep.
- Russia's star player, Vodka, had a particularly good match against Scotland. It was a very interesting match, to say the least. Vodka got his first kill at 0:30 to give Russia a 1-0 lead...Two minutes later he committed a penalty and was sent to the penalty box...the referees completely forgot that he was there, and instead of the typical 0:10 penalty, he served a 3:00 penalty. When he was let loose finally, boy was he let loose...DEUTSCHLAND!!! DEUTSCHLAND!!! DEUTSCHLAND!!!
| Monday 10 March 2008
|
| Scotland
| 12-6
|  Guernsey
| Swords
|
| Penalty Sean Connery (4), Mel Gibson (2), William Wallace (2), Edinburgh, Jon Willingham, Goliath, Oprah Winfrey, Idi Amin
| 8:21
| Le Saux (2), Margaret Thatcher (2), That bloke from the police thing, you know the one who drove the Jaguar (2)
|
- Just two years ago, nobody had ever heard of Guernsey, and they had one of the least developed bloodbath teams on the face of the planet. Now, they're ranked #10 in the whole world coming into this tournament. They made it all the way to the quarterfinals in the World Cup and had qualified for their first ever Euro, with a chance to move on to the quarterfinals. Unfortunately, they had to go through Scotland (ranked 36th in the world)...need I say more?
| Friday 7 March 2008
|
| Russia
| 7-6
| Ireland
| Dublin
|
| Penalty Vodka (2), Rasputin, Stalin, Communism, Anastasia, Some Guy, TATU
| 3:49
| Brinnon (2), Oscar Wilde, Qui-Gon Jinn, Bono, Kelly
|
- 'DEUTSCHLAND!!! DEUTSCHLAND!!! DEUTSCH--- "Ha, Deutschland that!" Kampf!!! This could get ugly. "For Mother Russia!!!"...We interrupt this program to bring you an important news bulletin: Homicidal Screaming Carrots have begun an invasion of Comanche State, rioting has ensued in Paris due to this fact.
[edit] Group D
- Hvoritotski mishråel tættroåtl Vært på sykehuset nå igjen? Spis Omar metrütrlateå aøytrjlsf hj yyyyyk Stratchlsfjk ÿurlakdfjkÅä ghghgh Spreng meg for jai hete Omar snuleluller! Ha! Æ ska pul fardin! Bæsj! Bæsj! Bæsj! Vet du hvor Kurbadet er hen? Et hellig symbol i Norge, det finnes også Chelsea - for de uten egne tanker, Arsenal - for de uten hjerne, Brann - hva FAEN?!??! og FK Haugesund... Turkey won.
- Well, I don't really feel like writing a report on this one, so; Poland won 6-2. There's your report.
- Just a day after their defeat against Poland, The Netherlands had to do battle with the very powerful Turkish team. The combination of Atatürk and Darth Maul (the single deadliest combination on the
your face of the planet) just proved to be too much for---We apologize once again for the fault in the summary; it's writer, <insert name here>, was fired right in the middle of writing it. Don't worry, he has indeed been sacked, and boy was he sacked! <insert name here>'s replacement shall be Sean Connery. Thank you for your time.
- Hvoritotski mishråel tættroåtl Vært på sykehuset nå igjen? Spis Omar metrütrlateå aøytrjlsf hj yyyyyk Stratchlsfjk ÿurlakdfjkÅä ghghgh Spreng meg for jai hete Omar snuleluller! Ha! Æ ska pul fardin! Bæsj! Bæsj! Bæsj! Vet du hvor Kurbadet er hen? Et hellig symbol i Norge, det finnes også Chelsea - for de uten egne tanker, Arsenal - for de uten hjerne, Brann - hva FAEN?!??! og FK Haugesund... Poland won.
- Ha! Mother Russia that! "Oh no you didn't!" Oh yes I did! DEUTSCHLAND!!! DEUTSCHLAND!!! DEUTSCHL---"Ha! God Save the Queen!" Pour le République du France Française! "What? Where'd you come from Frenchie?" I don't know. "Me and Mother Russia took Deutschland down ourselves and you run in at the very end and take all the credit for yourselves?!" "Typical Frenchmen!" Ach! Vhut just happened? "Here we go again!" TO BE CONTINUED...
- Hvoritotski mishråel tættroåtl Vært på sykehuset nå igjen? Spis Omar metrütrlateå aøytrjlsf hj yyyyyk Stratchlsfjk ÿurlakdfjkÅä ghghgh Spreng meg for jai hete Omar snuleluller! Ha! Æ ska pul fardin! Bæsj! Bæsj! Bæsj! Vet du hvor Kurbadet er hen? Et hellig symbol i Norge, det finnes også Chelsea - for de uten egne tanker, Arsenal - for de uten hjerne, Brann - hva FAEN?!??! og FK Haugesund... Norway lost.
[edit] The Next Rounds, Yay!!! (Don't Ask)
[edit] Quarterfinals
- Do to the fact that every single player on the Bulgarian National Team was killed during their match against Spain, (except Batman for some strange reason) Bulgaria had to come up with something and fast; so they "borrowed" everyone from the Romanian team and The Italian Guy That Went to Malta and told them they were Bulgaria. Sweden was also shaken up a little bit in a friendly match against Seattle sometime between their match with England and their match with Bulgaria (they lost 45-6), so a lot of the players of the Norwegian team (who had been eliminated) joined Sweden. Wow, this is a long summar---We apologize for the fault in the summary, it's writer was fired and shall immediately be sacked. <insert name here> has been hired to be the writer of these summary things. Thank you for your paitence.
| Saturday 15 March 2008
|
| Ireland
| 12-4
|  Turkey
| Limerick
|
| Bono (2), Oscar Wilde (2), Jon Willingham, Qui-Gon Jinn, Liam Neeson, Brinnon, Kelly, Jack Daniels, That One Guy
| 4:18
| Own Death, Penalty (6), Darth Maul (5), Atatürk (5)
|
- In one of the oddest, brutalist and amazingest comebacks in the history of bloodbath, Ireland defeated Turkey 12-4...10 of them within 18 minutes. At 4:00 (with Turkey ahead 10-2) Atatürk fell...literally. He slipped on a random banana-peel that to this day nobody is sure how it got there. He slipped and fell on a land-mine that nobody remembers laying on either side. Just minutes later, Darth Maul was owned by Atatürk. With their two great (and quite frankly only) players down, Turkey melted like butter, and Éire advanced to play against Sweden.
| Sunday 16 March 2008
|
| Spain
| 16 (16)-16 (18)
| Russia
| Swords
|
| Penalty Jennifer Lopez (4), Fransisco Franco (3), Your Face (3), Cortés (3), Sean Connery, Barcelona, Your Mother, Bananas in Pajamas
| 20:00
| the Mafia (6), Mikheil Saakashvili
(5), Pevlyuchenko (4), Communism
|
- Russia's all-star player, Vodka went down early in this one, but huge performances by The Mafia, Mikheil Saakashvili and
Your Mother Pevlyuchenko (and a penalty by the Spaniards) tied it up with just minutes to go. The Russians won it inn the shootout 18-16...DEUTSCHLAND!!! DEUTSCHLAND!!! DEUTSCHLAND!?!
| Sunday 16 March 2008
|
| Deutschland
| 18-12
|  Polska
| Tallaght
|
| Hitler (4), Rammstein (4), Crazy Frog (4), David Hasselhoff (4)
| 16:16
| Own Death (2), Mace Windu (3), Samuel L. Jackson (2), Shaquille O'Neal (2), Kazcor (2), Pevlyuchenko, Democracy, Your Face
|
- In one of the most anticipated matches in Euro history, Germany defeated rival Poland 18-12. German team captain Franz der Häßlich went down in just two minutes thanks to Mace Windu, but the Germans got huge performances from Hitler, Rammstein, Crazy Frog and David Hasselhoff. The Pole
Dancers fought hard, but just were not quite powerful enough to defeat...DEUTSCHLAND!!! DEUTSCHLAND!!! DEUTSCHLAND!!! "Ah, would you shut up already? How many times have you shouted that? We get the point, your from Germany." Ach! How said that? I'll gouge zheir eyes out!
[edit] Semifinals
- I'm feeling lazy, so Ireland won 8-2 and advanced to the Euro Final for the first time ever. There, your summary.
| Friday 21 March 2008
|
| Russia
| 8-16
| Deutschland
| Belfast
|
| Vodka, Stalin, Lenin, Mikheil Saakashvili, Pevlyuchenko, Communism, Democracy, The Mafia
| 10:01
| Crazy Frog (5), Rammstein (4), Red Baron, Hitler, Heinrich Himmler, David Hasselhoff, Pauk Bäumer, Adidas
|
- In another one of the most anticipated GAAAAHHHH!!! DEUTSCHLAND!!! DEUTSCHLAND!!! DEUTSCHLAND!!! "There he is! Deutschland this!" Ach! "For Mother Russia!!!" Vhat's zhe Amerikan Schweinehund doing here? "CHARGE!!!" Für der Vaterland, Anfall! Kampf!!!
[edit] Bronze Medal Match
| Wednesday 26 March 2008
|
| Sweden
| 13-15
| Russia
| Kilkenny
|
| Techno Viking (4), Hagar the Horrible (3), Swedish Chef (2), ABBA, Eric the Red, Sean Connery, Sean Connery
| 12:05
| Vodka (5), Stalin (2), Lenin(2), TATU (2), Stalin, Pevlyuchenko, Communism, Mao Zedong
|
- This was a bronze medal match to remember as Sweden came so close to taking down world powerhouse Russia, but lost it in the last seconds. HA! Das ist stimmt! Deutschland ist der beste! Schweden ist Französisch für 'Land der Schweinehunden!!!' "Hey, håll tyst! Vi var neutrala!" Wer jemals gesagt das? "Vi gjorde, innan turneringen." LÜGEN!!! We interrupt this summary for a breaking news bulletin: All Scandinavia has begun an invasion of Germany, we'll keep you posted.
| Friday 28 March 2008
|
| Ireland
| 9-9 (56-56 pen.)
| Germany
| Dublin
|
| Bono (2), Jon Willingham, Qui-Gon Jinn, Jack Daniels, Dublin, Oscar Wilde, Liam Neeson, Kelly
| 10:00
| Rammstein (2), Crazy Frog (2), Sean Connery (2), David Hasselhoff, Volkswagon, BMW, Mercedes-Benz
|
- In what was probably the wildest Final in the history of the Bloodbath Euro, Ireland and Germany tied 9-9. The match then went into a shootout to determine the winner. All players lined up and shot at each other with randomly loaded muskets. Well, after the first volley, the two teams were still tied, so they did a second volley...still tied. They did a final third volley...they were still tied. So the referees said for everyone to keep shooting until they either ran out of ammunition or everyone on one side was killed. They kept fighting, but in the end they were still tied. So, we're gonna have to play another gold medal match that's been scheduled for Monday the 31st. I'm looking forward to it.
Let's try this again.
| Friday 31 March 2008
|
| Éire
| 12-12 (21-24 pen.)
| Deutschland
| Dublin
|
| Penalty Jon Willingham (4), Bono (2), <insert name here> (2), Liam Neeson, Oscar Wilde, William Wallace, Jack Daniels, Brinnon
| 20:00
| Own Death Die Toten Hosen (5), Rammstein (2), Crazy Frog (2), Red Baron, Hitler, Berlin, Stalin
|
- What a crazy finish to one of the coociest, oddest, weirdest Bloodbath Euro's in history! This one also had to go into a shootout before Germany finally defeated those pesky Irish...DEUTSCHLAND!!! DEUTSCHLAND!!! DEUTSCHLAND!!! "Get him!!!" Was? "Ha ha! We've got England, Mother Russia, France (in theory), All Scandinavia, Ireland, America and China. No your going down!!!" Vhy China? "Because. Now let's do this!" For all of us here at the studio, this is Sean Connery, good night.
| UEFA Bloodbath Euro 2008 Champions
Germany
Third title
|
[edit] Awards
- Not-Quite-As-Important-but-Hey-It-Counts-For-Something 4th Place: Sweden
- Brutality Bowl (awarded to the nation with the most kills overall): Germany (159 kills [including penalty shootouts against Ireland])
- Coffin Cup (awarded to the nation with the most loses overall): Germany (134. Ireland was 2nd with 124, Bulgaria was 3rd with 81)
- Other Brutality Bowl (awarded to the nation with the most kills in group play): Spain (80 kills in group play)
- Other Coffin Cup (awarded to the nation with the most loses in group play):
Bulgaria (70)
- "Wrist-Slit" Award (awarded to the team with the most Own Death's): Turkey (3)
- You-Got-Knocked-The-****-Out! Trophy (awarded to the nation with the most kills in one match): Ireland & Germany (Gold Medal Match, Ireland vs. Germany 28 March. 65 kills a piece)
- "Pumpkineater Medal" (awareded to the nation with the most Penalties): Turkey (8)
- Golden Musket (awarded to the person with the most kills): Francisco Franco (65 [61 of them against Bulgaria on 8 March])
- Trophy Trophy (awarded to the nation with the most awards): Germany (5...no wait, 6)
[edit] Referees (a.k.a. "Bastards in Black")
[edit] The Video Game
2008 UEFA Bloodbath Euro The Video Game is due to be released September 1, 2008 in Europe and October 1, 2008 in Everywhere else (except the United States) and should be released November 1, 2008 in the U.S. Go get it
Germany
Ireland
Russia
Sweden
France
England
Spain
Bulgaria
Italy
Vatican City
Scotland
Poland
Turkey
The Netherlands
Norway
