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2006 was a common year starting on a Sunday. This meant you had to kick off your year by going to church. Needless to say, 2006 kind of sucked.
2006 was designated as:
- The International Year of Deserts in most of the world, and the International Year of Desserts in America. As expected, America won.
- The Year of the Stampede.
- International Asperger's Year. Double the Asperger's, HALF THE PRICE!!!
- The year of Mozart, as the the world thought that this was the year the struggling classical musician, Dogpile Mozart, would finally catch on in popular culture. His first new single of the year, "Cannon Fodder in A Minor," bombed, and he died shortly thereafter from pure lack of talent.
- January 5 - A hotel in Mecca collapses killing 76 pilgrims visiting to perform the hajj. The collapse was blamed on the hotel's inability to withstand the weight of the faith of the patrons within. Also, the weight of the patrons themselves.
- January 12 - Overexcited Spanish-Muslims release a herd of bulls on the last day of the hajj in Saudi Arabia in an attempt to practice for the annual Running of the Bulls ceremony later that year. 362 pilgrims are killed in the resulting stampede.
- January 13 - Following the end of the hajj, the pilgrim deathtoll is estimated to be 600. The head cleric of Saudi Arabia calls the pilgrimage a "rousing success." In related news, the term "rousing success" is redifined in the Merriam-Webster dictionary.
- January 18 - United Kingdom Liberal Democratic leader Charles Kennedy resigns after revelations that he had been drinking on the job. Americans are shocked to hear that a Kennedy has a drinking problem.
- February 3 - 1,400 people are killed when an Egyptian passenger ferry sinks in the Red Sea, causing the Sea's name to finally become literal.
- February 4 - A stampede in at the PhilSports Arena in the Philippines breaks out during the popular "Cattle Time" segment of the game show Wowowee. 74 people were killed.
- February 5 - The Pittsburgh Steelers defeat the Seattle Seahawks in Superbowl XL
- February 8 - 404 soldiers desert their posts in East Timor starting the 2006 East Timor crisis. The rest of the world steps in to fix it by telling East Timor they are not important enough to have a crisis, and their soldiers deserting their posts could be defined as a mere problem, or an issue at best.
- February 9 - The 2006 East Timor Problem, or Issue at Best ends after the soldiers are unable to fight for such a lamely titled movement.
- February 17 - 1,126 people are killed in Southern Leyte, Philipines after rains, coupled with a cattle stampede which loosened up the dirt, cause a massive mudslide.
- February 19-23 - 4 more horrible, life-taking occurances happen in these four days, but the writers of the timeline have run out of ways to try and make horribly depressing news funny.
- February 24 - A state of emergency is declared in the Philippines, after an alleged coup detat against the President is foiled when a stampede of cattle tear through a rioting crowd coming for his life.
- February 27 - After a 3 day deliberation, the Philippines are declared to be having the worst one-month period since Poland in September of 1939.
- February 28 - Riots turning to stampedes break out in Dublin, Ireland prior to the Love Ulster parade, as many of the citizens of Dublin are said to "Have no issue with Ulster whatsoever, but we certainly don't love him."
- February 28 - Uganda's President Yoweri Museveni wins his second re-election, sparking riots by the people in Kampala
- March 1 - People of Earth were thankful that 2006 was not a leap year, as the general consensus was that if February lasted any longer, the world was bound to end.
- March 9 - NASA astronaut Cassini Huygens becomes first person to touch the geysers shooting a liquid substance into the air coming from Saturn's moon Ejaculateus. NASA believed this was a possible presence of water on the moon, until Huygens informed them the substance "tasted weird." NASA did not comment on whether or not Mr. Huygens swallowed.
- March 16 - The Blu-ray Disc format for movies is released in the United States.
- March 17 - Joan Rivers mysteriously retires from making movies.
- March 19 - England finally sinks the United State's final battleship, thus ending the game they had been playing since 1800.
- April 5 - A swan with Avian Flu is discovered in Fife, Scotland. This is the first such case found in the United Kingdom.
- April 6 - Several American Uncyclopedians just now realize that Scotland is still a part of the United Kingdom.
- April 7 - Prime Minister Tony Blair announces the War on Birds in an effort to stop the Avian Flu from spreading to Europe. He calls for the exodus of all birds from England by 2010. He is said to call himself a modern day St. Patrick in private to his friends.
- April 9 - Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is removed from office. Many of his advisors share the blame for Sharon's failures, saying they did not do enough to help the man through the problems he faced over the last few months of his term. Many pointed to the growing hostilities with Palestine, the increase in terror attacks in Gaza, and the rise of tank stonings as the reasons for his removal. Others just pointed to the fact that Sharon had actually fallen into a coma some 4 months previously.
- April 16 - Prince Albert of Monaco reaches the North Pole, becoming the first man with a genital piercing named after him to do so.
- April 16 - 100-year-old man Joseph Ireland commemorates the 90th anniversary of his 1916 Rising. He pokes himself in the genitals several times to relive the event, but is saddened to realize his genitals had effectively died some 30 years previously.
- April 22 - Four Canadian soldiers are killed in Kandahar, Afghanistan by a roadside bomb. This is the worst one-day combat loss for the Canadian Army since the 1975 Maple Syrup Inncident.
- May 1 - The Great American Boycott takes place across the United States as marchers protest a ruling by the United States Supreme Court which confirmed that marches of protest, are "Way, Totally Gay!"
- May 9 - 14 days after the Baconsville Mine Collapse traps them underground, Todd Russell and Brant Webb are finally able to eat their way out of the bacon-mine. Said Russell following the daring escape, "Bacon is delicious."
- May 27 - The first ever gay rights demonstration in Moscow predictably ends, first with beatings, then with beatings.
- May 27 - An earthquake rocks the coffee fields of Indonesia, killing more than 6000 plants, injuring at least 36,000, and sending millions of coffee beans into the ocean.
- May 28 - Millions around the world begin to drink the ocean.
- November 13 - After months of Ethiopian rule, electrical power is restored to the world and Ethiopians go back to being skinny.
- December 24 - Santa breaks his leg.
- December 25 - Two billion children around the world cry because they didn't get their presents.
- ↑ Unfortunately, this one was taken seriously
- ↑ And thusly kicking off The Month of Complete Shit in style.
- ↑ And if you don't think this event belongs in with the rest of the shit sandwhich that is February 2006, you can go to hell.
- ↑ And that's two straight jokes with the word "genital" written in it. I hope you're happy.
- ↑ Now three
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