2003

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2003 was most notable as being the year in which the United States decided to expand its War on Terror to include countries that had nothing to do with terrorism, and promptly invaded Iraq. Also notably, everyone got worked up about something called SARS for a few months. Remember SARS? Me neither. 2003 sadly passed away in its sleep on the 1st of January, 2004. It was one year old.

Events of 2003

January

February

  • February 1 – At the conclusion of the STS-107 mission, the Space Shuttle Columbia disintegrates during re-entry over Texas, killing all 7 astronauts onboard and causing a bunch of cool explosions.
  • February 3 – Legendary record-producer Phil Spector arrested for shooting some bitch or something.
  • February 12 – CIA discovers vague blurry evidence of some kind of buildings in Iraq. These are assumed to be chemical weapons plants.
  • February 26 – First case of SARS found in Vietnam. Remember SARS? Me neither.
  • February 28 - Everyone suddenly starts wondering if 2003 is a leap year.

March

  • March 17 – U.S. President George W. Bush gives an ultimatum: Saddam Hussein and his sons must either leave Iraq, or face military action at a time of the U.S.'s choosing.
  • March 19 – U.S. begins dropping bombs on Iraq after asking Saddam Hussein nicely to leave proves ineffective.

April

  • April 1 – April Fools Day. Everyone tries to be funny, mostly unsuccessfully.
  • April 1 – Dozens of fans walk out during a Pearl Jam concert when lead singer Eddie Vedder made anti-war comments and insulting remarks about U.S. President George W. Bush. Other audience members booed and shouted at Vedder telling him to "shut up." Vedder attempted to pussy out by adding "just to clarify... we support the troops."
  • April 9 – U.S. forces seize control of Baghdad. Saddam Hussein's reign of terror ended. Iraqis look forward to new reign of terror.
  • April 14 – The Human Genome Project is completed, with 99% of the human genome sequenced to 99.99% accuracy. Nobody can be arsed to finish that last bit.

May

  • May 1 – George Bush holds Mission Accomplished party on board an aircraft carrier, in what turns out to be a masterful piece of irony.
  • May 17 - Jeffrey Phillips of Hoboken, New Jersey finally understands the big deal about the Backstreet Boys.

June

  • June 26 – The U.S. Supreme Court declares sodomy laws unconstitutional, bring an end to the Dark Ages in Texas.

July

  • July 4 - U.S. soldiers celebrate Independence Day by suppressing Iraqi resistance to the Occupation.
  • July 5 – SARS is declared to be contained by WHO. Remember SARS? Me neither.
  • July 18Bad Boys II is released, because one wasn't bad enough.
  • July 18Johnny English is released, using up the last of Rowan Atkinson's artistic credibility.
  • July 19 – Everyone forgets about SARS. Remember SARS? Me neither.

August

  • August 12 - Female suicide bomber strikes a blow for feminism in Iraq. Dozens are killed.
  • August 28 - Desperate for attention, Madonna sparks media controversy by kissing popstars Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera at the 2003 MTV Video Music Awards. Everyone agrees it would have been way hotter if Madonna wasn't so old.

October

  • October 7 - California voters recall Governor Gray Davis from office and elect Arnold Schwarzenegger to succeed him. America is the laughing stock of the world (again).
  • October 31 - Man beaten to death after failing to choose 'Treat'.

December

  • December 13 – Saddam Hussein is found in a cave with a packet of funsize Mars bars. The U.S. begins plans for a show trial.
  • December 25 - Santa Claus brought me what I wanted.
  • December 31 - Everyone resolves to lose weight and stop smoking. However, most are too drunk to remember the next day.
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