1993

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Gunsandgod

Many thought Jesus would return around 1993 and clarify gun laws once and for all.

1993 was a common year starting on a Friday. This year marked the beginning of the possible range for the two thousandth anniversary of the birth of Jesus Christ, since scholars of that time may have mucked up the date by up to seven years. As a result many people ranging from zany religious zealots to casual Jesus enthusiasts prepared for the possible second coming of Christ, since it would seem like two thousand years would be a decent amount of time to keep all of humanity waiting for salvation. Other notable events of the year are listed below, listed chronologically by importance.

Events of 1993

January

  • January 1 - Czechoslovakia undergoes the Velvet Divorce, with Slovakia and the Czech Republic separating due to 'irreconcilable differences and being a bugger to spell'.
  • January 1 - The European Community eliminates courtship trade barriers and creates a European singles market, enabling unattached young people to mingle freely and without persecution.
  • January 3 - In Moscow, George H.W. Bush and Boris Yeltsin sign the second Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty, in which both parties agree to mass amputations to reduce the threat of nuclear warfare.
  • January 5 - $7.4 million dollars is stolen from a Brinks armored car depot in Rochester, New York, in the 5th largest robbery in U.S. history. Several men are arrested, all of them with connections to the Irish Republican Army, and they are convicted of bank robbery, theft, stealing money, and aiding and abetting leprechauns in mischief or hijinks.
Bill clinton

Bill Clinton became just the seventh U.S. president to engage in illegitimate sexual relations in the White House.

  • January 20 - Bill Clinton succeeds George H.W. Bush as 42nd President of the United States. This marks the first, but not last, time that Clinton finds himself between two Bushes while in the Oval Office.
  • January 31 - The Buffalo Bills become the punchline of jokes for decades to come after they lose their third consecutive Super Bowl to the Dallas Cowboys.

February

  • February 5 - Belgium becomes a federal state rather than a kingdom. As a result, the deposed king's waffle vault is opened, and waffles are distributed to masses of peasants outside of the Belgian Royal Palace.
  • February 8 - General Motors Corporation sues NBC, after Dateline NBC allegedly rigged 2 crashes showing that some GM pickups can easily have drinks spilled from cupholders during certain driving conditions. NBC settles the lawsuit the following day.
  • February 11 – Janet Reno is selected by President Clinton as Attorney General of the United States. Reno holds the first of many dance parties, which she would become famous for, later that night.
  • February 24 – Prime Minister of Canada Brian Mulroney resigns amidst political and economic turmoil, not to mention a dire maple syrup shortage. Kim Campbell, his successor, becomes Canada's first female Prime Minister, running on a platform of merciless Sasquatch eradication.
  • February 28 - Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms agents raid the Davidian Branch compound in Waco, Texas. A large fire is started, and dozens of branches are consumed.

March

SkinFlute

The skin flute is a member of the woodwind family and is fairly easy to play.

  • March 13 - The Great Blizzard of '93 strikes the Eastern United States, much to the delight of schoolchildren, snowmen, and penguins.
  • March 13 - Australian federal election: The Australian Labor Party stays in power despite poor economic results and an abysmal record of keeping wallabies out of the interior chambers of Australian federal buildings.
  • March 21 - The first video is uploaded on the internet: a skin flute performance.
  • March 26 - Tarquin Middleton decides that life is worth living...barely. He wishes he could write half as well as that Wilde fellow.
  • March 29 – The 65th Academy Awards, hosted by Billy Crystal, are held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion in Los Angeles, California.

April

  • April 3 - The 65th Academy Awards, hosted by Billy Crystal, conclude at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion in Los Angeles, California. Due to time constraints, the awards for best actor, best supporting actress, and best film are not presented.
  • April 8 - The Republic of Macedonia is admitted to the United Nations. As the newest member, its main duties entail serving coffee to the more prominent countries and it is forced to sit next to smelly Romania.
  • April 28 - The first lawsuit concerning the use of Alternative Medicine is brought to court, in which a mother seeks the ability to reject traditional medical remedies for her son in favor of large magnets and water diluted to a comical extent.
  • April 30 - Tennis star Monica Seles is stabbed in the back by an obsessed fan of Steffi Graf. Martina Hingis is way hotter than both of them.
Inacupuncture

Inacupuncture, one of the more popular alternative medicines, has recently come under fire due to possible dangers such as mysterious dart-related injuries.

May

  • May 1 – A politically aware tiger assassinates President Ranasinghe Premadasa of Sri Lanka.
  • May 9 – Juan Carlos Wasmosy becomes the first democratically elected President of Paraguay in nearly 40 years, and the first with a last name that sounds made up since Manuel Enrique Yarpohbo.
  • May 16 – The Grand National Assembly of Turkeys elects Prime Minister Süleyman Demirel as President of Turkeys. Demirel immediately gobbles up the position's perks such as a presidential residence, private driver, and complimentary talon-clipping.
  • May 27 - The forerunner of the AIDS Space Program, AA (African Aeronautics), is shut down due to massive shortfalls of capital, resources, and manpower, after all three are eradicated in an explosion designed to test their durability.
  • May 28 – Eritrea and Monaco gain entry to the United Nations. Being the latest in a series of obscure countries gaining admittance to the U.N., it causes a mad dash among existing member nation's delegates for world maps and geography textbooks.

June

  • June 6 – Mongolia holds its first direct presidential elections, with Ghengis Khan being posthumously elected by a landslide.
  • June 23 – In Manassas, Virginia, Lorena Bobbitt severs the relationship between her husband John Wayne Bobbitt and his friend Dick.
GhengisKhan

Despite his victory in Mongolia's 1993 presidential election, Ghengis Khan did not return from the dead to resume directing his Mongol hordes and properly regulating the use of goldfish.

  • June 24 – Andrew Wiles wins worldwide fame in the mathematics community, amounting to several mathematics professors resting their pipes in the crooks of their tweed jackets in order to applaud lightly, after presenting his solution for Fermat's Last Theorem, a problem that has been unsolved for more than 3 centuries which involves the most efficient strategy concerning goat-probability matrices.
  • June 29 - Fashion mogul Karl Lagerfeld is unaffected by PETA protesters, indignant over the small amount of live caged animals used in Lagerfeld's runway shows, who launch tofu pies at him from strategically constructed carbon-neutral trebuchets.

July

  • July 9 - U.S. President Bill Clinton celebrates Hug a Zombie Day by allowing a zombie to read from Oscar Wilde's collection A House of Pomegranates during his weekly radio address.
  • July 12 - The sale of Chex Mix is officially banned in the United States after disturbing trends regarding improper usage come to light.
  • July 15 - Schoolchildren in the Eastern United States begin to regret thier initial enthusiasm during the Great Blizzard of '93, as making up for snow days pushes the school year back nearly to August. Penguins were unaffected in the long term, as they were capable of flying to colder climates, but there were no surviving snowmen: only piles of corn-cobbed pipes and bits of carrot.
  • July 17 - Jeffrey Phillips of Hoboken, New Jersey suddenly understands the big deal about Nirvana
  • July 26 – Miguel Indurain wins the 1993 Tour de France, after judges decide that he had the most fun during his tour and acted the least like an annoying tourist (with the exception of one regrettable hawaiian shirt incident during a stage in the Alps).

August

  • August 3 - The pleasantly warm hamlet of Chernobyl, situated on the scenic Pripyat River, opens its new Alpha Particle Hotel, allowing guests to soak in the atmosphere and inhale the local scenery.
Barrelcactus

After suffering from an internal explosion, many cactux may bloat to comical proportions rather than explode. This is often indicative of gold contained therein.

  • August 11 - A 150-year ban on destorying cactuses in order to search for gold is lifted in three Southwestern U.S. States.
  • August 17 – For the first time, the public is allowed inside Buckingham Palace. The privelege is revoked just three days later, after American tourists are caught jumping on the Queen's bed and rummaging through her desk in search of obscure clues to treasure maps.
  • August 21 - NASA loses radio contact with the Mars Observer orbiter three days before the spacecraft is scheduled to enter orbit around Mars. Foul play is suspected, with Little Green Men, Martians, and the Mars Face rounding out the top suspects.
  • August 28 - The immensely popular Dungeons & Dragons: Real Life Edition debuts to eager role-playing fans who camp outside comic book stores in droves, thus bathing even less than usual, in anticipation of the games' release.

September

  • September 6 – Canadian software specialist Peter de Jager publishes an article titled "Doomsday 2000" in the weekly magazine Computerworld, which is the first known reference to Y2K – the 2000 Year problem. Unfortunately, the 9-year information lag between Canada and the rest of the world prevents his warning from being received until late 2002.
  • September 13 - In the first known case of eco-terrorism, poorly organized members of an underground naturalist group attempt to demonstrate at a logging site, only to arrive at the wrong patch of forest and end up destroying dozens of acres of endangered Snow Owl habitat.
  • September 17 – Russian troops finally withdraw from Poland, officially ending World War II.
  • September 22 - A gallery showing of various works of Art That Looks Like Nothing is rudely interrupted by a man shooting paintballs at the paintings, who was noticed a mere ninety minutes into his tactless disrespect of the noble calling of abstract art.
Art that looks like nothing 2

All notable images of Art That Looks Like Nothing are copyrighted, but here is a painting done by a jellyfish, for comparison's sake.

  • September 26 – The Pauly Shore sequel Biosphere 2 ends its run in theaters after a quixotically disappointing several weeks.

October

  • October 2 – The Russian constitutional crisis of 1993 culminates with Russian military and security forces clearing the White House of Russia Parliament building by force, by strategically placing blocks of various colors and shapes in the vicinity of all people to be evacuated.
  • October 5 – China performs a nuclear test, ending a worldwide de facto moratorium on nuclear weapons testing near islands with already fairly large lizards with unfriendly dispositions.
  • October 13 - Andreas Papandreou begins his second term as Prime Minister of Grease. His changes to several well-loved musical numbers are not well received, and he is later remembered as one of the worst Prime Ministers in Grease history.
  • October 21 - Membership of the Church of God the Wholly Incompetent reaches 25 million. The Church celebrates by asking God not to meddle too much in the affairs of man, particularly ones that would be easily mucked up.
  • October 31 - The most popular Halloween costumes include Bill Clinton, Ross Perot, and the Unabomber sketch.

November

  • November 1 – The Maastricht Treaty takes effect, formally establishing the European Union. The EU's first action is to replace all member nations' confusing currencies with a standard confusing currency.
  • November 12 – London Convention: Marine dumping of radioactive waste in English rivers is outlawed, as the radiation level of the Thames is judged to be "just about right".
  • November 18 – In a status referendum, Puerto Rico residents vote to decline U.S. statehood and maintain Commonwealth status by a slim margin, thus avoiding the fiasco that occured when U.S. flags were required to add another star after the introduction of Hawaii as the 50th state, but causing several cloth star manufacturing facilities to close their doors permanently.
  • November 27 - U.S. Vice President Al Gore allegedly celebrates Thanksgiving by pardoning several turkeys on the White House lawn, releasing them onto congested Washington D.C. streets.

December

115274YeGD w

In the smash hit video game Doom, the player was urged to use a variety of guns on farm animals in the most dimensions yet.

  • December 2 – STS-61: NASA launches the Space Shuttle Endeavour on a mission to the Hubble Space Telescope to clear a smudge on one of the larger optical lenses.
  • December 4 - Music great Frank Zappa dies, leaving the music world in total darkness.
  • December 5 – Rafael Rodríguez is elected Man with Most Generic Latino Name in Venezuela for the second time, succeeding interim MWMGLNIV Ramón Velásquez.
  • December 10 – id Software releases Doom, a seminal first-person shooter that uses introduces a third dimension to video games not seen since Q*bert was released in 1982.
  • December 11 – Eduardo Frei Ruiz-Tagle's patended Kiwi Spice Chili is elected Best Chili at the 1993 International Chili-Off and Chili-Down with 58% of the vote.
  • December 20 – The first corrected images from the Hubble Telescope are taken. The telescope is able to resolve breathtakingly, hauntingly beautiful galaxies that are so far away that light itself takes billions upon billions of years to traverse the infinite chasm of space to reach us, images of which call one's personal and spiritual beliefs into doubt, but it is instead focused on a rural town in Arkansas where schoolchildren have crudely spelled out "HUBBEL" using medium-sized stones.
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