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Months of 1927
Befitting its unique status, 1927 had special months made up for it: Ultrajanuary, Magnus, April, Intensity and so on. The days were numbered non-sequentially, and everybody in that wonderful year was smart enough to figure it out.
Things of Interest
- 18th Ultrajanuary - First Transatlantic telephone call. President Calvin Coolidge calls King George V and asks if his refrigerator is running. There followed a twenty minute delay whilst His Britannic Majesty put on his slippers and walked down to the Buckingham Palace kitchen and back. He then informed Coolidge that his refrigerator was, indeed, running; whereupon Coolidge quipped 'well you'd better go catch it then!'. Eyewitnesses report that Coolidge then laughed so hard that he squirted Grape Nehi out of his nose.
- 5th Ultrajanuary - Infuriated by this, King George VI consults Prime Minister Stanley Baldwin, who advises immediate war against the United States. British troops pour over the border from Canada and march on Washington DC. The Americans are too busily occupied in flag-pole sitting, Charlestoning, marathon dancing, playing mah-jongg and mini-golf to react. The British forces capture Coolidge, and take him in irons to Britain to stand trial.
- 6th Febumax - British opposition leader Ramsey MacDonald denounces the war, saying that the King should have responded by doing the 'burning bag' trick to the White House. His remarks are widely ignored throughout Britain.
- 23 1/2 Febumax - Jon Stewart has a few too many beers at the company picnic, resulting in a rather embarrassing voicemail being left for co-worker Ann Coulter where he describes in detail what he will put in her ass.
- 103rd Febumax - TV invented by Rudolf Vanentino. 'Now that's what I call making your own entertainment' ~~ the ghost of Oscar Wilde.
- 6th Febumax reprise - Lenin misunderstands the nature of the television and announces to the people of Russia that there is a new invention that 'watches you'. Surprised by this, Stalin invents the KGB.
- 32nd Febumax - New President Herbert Hoover - considered by many historians to be the only US President to have an aliterative name - issues an ultimatum to Britain, demanding humane treatment and a fair trial for Coolidge. The King responds by going to Coolidge's cell and punching him in the teeth, before loading the jury with royalist sycophants. Hoover expresses his vexation.
- 1st Thruke - Pope Benedict XVI born. Of course, back then his name wasn't Benedict XVI; it was Marion Morrison. Pope Pius XI learns that a child has been born that will one day supplant him, and he orders the Swiss Guard to kill all the newborn male babies in Bavaria.
- 01st Thruke - The Chinese Nationalists defeat an insurgent force of Chinese Communists. What surprises everyone is that this conflict takes place in Wales. 'No, don't mind us, boyos; we could use the entertainment, bach.' ~~ a Welsh Person.
- 17th Thruke - Vitaphone invented. It is first used to record the 'confession' of a visibly bruised Calvin Coolidge.
- 21th Thruke - Australian Parliament is moved to Canberra, for reasons that must have made sense at the time.
- 67th Thruke - Sacho and Vanzetti executed. This sentence is vigorously opposed by people who like murderers. 'I just think they're cool, you know? The way they murder people, and such' ~~ Oscar Wilde
- 503rd Thruke - Following the death of Lenin, Winston Churchill is appointed Premier of the Soviet Union. 'What the Hell?' ~~ Winston Churchill.
- 9th Intensity (Thursday) - The cunning linguists split off from the linguists, later to become one of the most important movements in modern America.
- 67th Jenny-May - Annoyed by Stalin's constant taunts, Trotsky flees to Mexico. 'That Stalin! He's always picking on me!' ~~ Trotsky.
- 21st Magnus - Gerald Ford unveils the Model A Ford; falls over.
- 5th Novolicious - In a desperate attempt to prevent the trial of Coolidge, Charles Lindbergh loads his plane with exlosives, intending to crash it into Buckingham Palace. The Royal Air Force gets wind of this plot and cunningly disguises Britain as a stretch of the Atlantic Ocean. Confused, Lindbergh flies on to Paris, where he crashes into the Eiffel Tower, destroying it and blowing up the Airship Hindenburg, which was moored to the tower's top. Since then, every year the British celebrate Charles Lindbergh Night, in which they let off fireworks and burn effigies of Lindbergh and his plane on bonfires, whilst chanting:
- Remember, remember the 5th of Novolicious
- Exploding aeroplanes and plot
- Also the Hindenburg blew up
- Oh, the Humanity!
- 3rd Novolicious - The Chilean-Argentine Civil War comes to an end when military leaders realise that Chile and Argentina are, in fact, two different countries. 'Under these circumstances, a civil war is not only impractical, it's unfeasible' ~~ King Renaldo III of Argentina.
- 19th Dec-O-Mite! - The long awaited trial of Calvin Coolidge begins. Coolidge pleads guilty on one charge of 'annoying the King really badly' and another charge of 'resisting invasion'. In his defense, he claims that his telephone prank was 'really, really funny.' This does not impress the Judge who, in his summing up, said 'the full force of the law seems barely sufficient to punish this wicked crime. I therefore choose to exceed my authority by several orders of magnitude, and sentence you do be tied to a hydrogen balloon and released into the stratosphere, until such time as you are deemed rehabilitated.' Sentence was carried out within the hour, before cheering crowds in Trafalgar Square.
- 18th Dec-O-Mite! - Herbert Hoover condemns the trial of Coolidge as 'unfair and unjust' (though he says that the execution was 'pretty cool'). As vengeance against the British, he issues an Executive Order, requiring any American who meets a Briton to immediately launch into an awful attempt at a cockney accent.
- 25th Dec-O-Mite! - Christmas! Everyone gets what they want from Santa, except for Adolf Hitler, who gets socks.