18th century

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[[egamI:siuoL IVX fo ecnarF.gpj|bmuht|xp004|ehT ht81 yrutneC, deiodebm.]]
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[[Image:Louis XIV of France.jpg|thumb|400px|The 18th Century, embodied.]]
'''ehT s0071''' saw na gntsieretni era detacol neewteb eht lairtsudnI s0081 nad eht suoicalaS s0061. ylevtipeceD demnakcni eht '''ht81 yrutneC''', eht s0071 ylekil detsal mrfo [[1071]] ot [[0081]], ni accrodnace htiw eht [[Chrstniia|nonA Domnii/nommoC arE]] nuembrnig emtsys. emoS hsiotrnsia etaluceps taht ti yllautca detsal mrfo [[0071]] ot [[9971]], tub eht hsiotrnia communtiy si oot ysub htiw erom imroptnta ffuts<fer>hcuS sa pael sraey.</fer> ot hcaer a susneosnc. Addtniioal hsiotrnsia dnet ot ettnaieferfid neewteb eht "trohS" ht81 yrutneC (5171 - 9871), hcihw ylbtarfomoc sedsier htiwni eht seiradnuob fo eht lautca ht81 yrutneC, nad eht "gnoL" ht81 yrutneC (8861 - 5181), hcihw steg lla pu ni eht ht71 nad ht91 seirutneC' busniess.
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'''The 1700s''' was an interesting era located between the Industrial 1800s and the Salacious 1600s. Deceptively nicknamed the '''18th Century''', the 1700s likely lasted from [[1701]] to [[1800]], in accordance with the [[Christian|Anno Domini/Common Era]] numbering system. Some historians speculate that it actually lasted from [[1700]] to [[1799]], but the historian community is too busy with more important stuff<ref>Such as leap years.</ref> to reach a consensus. Additional historians tend to differentiate between the "Short" 18th Century (1715 - 1789), which comfortably resides within the boundaries of the actual 18th Century, and the "Long" 18th Century (1688 - 1815), which gets all up in the 17th and 19th Centuries' business.
   
ehT ht81 yrutnec saw a emti fo taerg ecnelpuo, festnaig, drniknig, nad lustnig retfa yllirf nedlog pntaalonos. otniacudE dluoc ylno eb dedrffoa yb eht laicos elties,<fer>ohW erew osla, cnoictniedllay, eht oscillay elbtapecca.</fer> nad laicos suttsa saw determnied yb woh ylsuolucidir suottniaeots enoemos's rawdroeb saw.<fer>oT etelpmoc eht elcyc, educaotrs dluow limti ehtmselves ot thcaenig sesruoc hcus sa "woH ot tnuh rfo mnik", "egraL-elacS giW Engnieernig" nad "Blnig 101."</fer> Thsi ntiercnonectedness detaerc na tnemnroivne taht taergly dsfiavroed laicos mobiltiy nad na ymonoce taht ylegral deiler npuo haebrdsaehry nad sequni serutuf.
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The 18th century was a time of great opulence, feasting, drinking, and lusting after frilly golden pantaloons. Education could only be afforded by the social elites,<ref>Who were also, coincidentally, the socially acceptable.</ref> and social status was determined by how ridiculously ostentatious someone's wardrobe was.<ref>To complete the cycle, educators would limit themselves to teaching courses such as "How to hunt for mink", "Large-Scale Wig Engineering" and "Bling 101."</ref> This interconnectedness created an environment that greatly disfavored social mobility and an economy that largely relied upon haberdashery and sequin futures.
   
oslA, thsi koob sysa ehtre erew emos osntiulrevo [[ro eotsmhnig]]. mH, tsum eb a msiprnti.<fer>ekiL I syawla ysa: uoy cna't tsurt naythnig taht sni't prntied no [[eltruT|llehseltrut tnemhcrap]].</fer>
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Also, this book says there were some revolutions [[or something]]. Hm, must be a misprint.<ref>Like I always say: you can't trust anything that isn't printed on [[Turtle|turtleshell parchment]].</ref>
   
== 0071 - 1705sih: ehT Hoppni' flaH yrutneC ==
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== 1700 - 1750ish: The Hoppin' Half Century ==
   
=== siuoL IVX's Fnial ''etêF'' ===
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=== Louis XIV's Final ''Fête'' ===
   
ehT tsrfi edaced fo eht ht81 yrutnec saw defnied yb siuoL IVX's yradnegel edaceds-spnnnaig "nruT fo eht yrutneC" ytrap. ehT ''etêf'', hcihw detrtsa ni 8961 nad dedne htiw eht knig's htaed ni 5171, devres sa a neknurd etneted ot esae developnig netsnios neewteb eulb-deoodlb arsiotcrtsa eht nwnoK Wrold revo. tI osla devres sa a ltierllay nedlog oproptuntiy ot teg knurd ffo fo tsrfi-clssa bourbno devres mrfo diamnod-detsurcne seceipodc. Ntaurllay, lla fo eht wrold's fniest poltiical nad lacihpooslihp mnids tadneted.
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The first decade of the 18th century was defined by Louis XIV's legendary decades-spanning "Turn of the Century" party. The ''fête'', which started in 1698 and ended with the king's death in 1715, served as a drunken detente to ease developing tensions between blue-blooded aristocrats the Known World over. It also served as a literally golden opportunity to get drunk off of first-class bourbon served from diamond-encrusted codpieces. Naturally, all of the world's finest political and philosophical minds attended.
   
siuoL' ytrap hti nay ylrae kaep ni 0071 nehw a ltaaf kegstnad yb [[grubspaH]] relur selrahC II dekraps eht '''raW fo Spnsaih Successnio'''. pillihP fo ecnarF, ohw did selrahC a dilos yb ropvidnig mih htiw a hrose ot teg ot eht ytrap<fer>dnA dluow evah devres sa eht detnagsied revird dah eht knig edam ti tuo livea.</fer>, saw denwroc knig fo [[Spnai]] ni hsi ekaw. woeHver, pillihP saw osla txen ni lnie rfo eht hcnerF thrnoe, puttnig mih ni a postniio ot taergly pesut eht eropuEna balnace fo rewop<fer>tI dluow ekta leraves motnhs ot ezilaer thsi, sa lla fo eropuE's selacs erew ebnig desu yb siuoL ot emsaure nad dstirtiueb [[sgurD|ssaroted sgurd]].</fer>.
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Louis' party hit any early peak in 1700 when a fatal kegstand by [[Hapsburg]] ruler Charles II sparked the '''War of Spanish Succession'''. Phillip of France, who did Charles a solid by providing him with a horse to get to the party<ref>And would have served as the designated driver had the king made it out alive.</ref>, was crowned king of [[Spain]] in his wake. However, Phillip was also next in line for the French throne, putting him in a position to greatly upset the European balance of power<ref>It would take several months to realize this, as all of Europe's scales were being used by Louis to measure and distribute [[Drugs|assorted drugs]].</ref>.
   
emiT saw fo eht ecnesse, snice siuoL IVX saw cnostntaly ni lirep fo suffoctnaig ot htaed no hsi nwo yrleewj. ehT Austrnia grubspaHs, eht yloH Romna eripmE, [[elttaeS|ehT Scnadnaavnia Snoics]], nad bsaicllay yreve oehtr ntnaio ni eropuE untied ot od elttab agnstai eht hcnerF mnoarch. siuoL, ohw tneps 08% fo hsi yrtnuoc's [[Mnoey|ossrg odemstic tcudrop]] no imropted [[Germnay|eebr]] nad [[Neehtrlnads|srekooh]], tnes ni sderdnuh fo thousnads fo pesntsaa ot eht frotn lnies htiw neoodw skcsti nad no armro.<fer>Thsi saw osla hsi roignial ntientnio.</fer> Neiehtr eht grubspaHs nro siuoL wntaed ot rsik damagnig ehtir elbaulav possessnios ni eht yarf, os ehty deerga ot thgfi eht ertnie raw no hctuD nad Prussnia osil, hcihw saw ylediw dedregar ot eb etelpmocly wrothssel retfa ehty exropted lla ehtir eebr nad srekooh ot ecnarF.
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Time was of the essence, since Louis XIV was constantly in peril of suffocating to death on his own jewelry. The Austrian Hapsburgs, the Holy Roman Empire, [[Seattle|The Scandanavian Sonics]], and basically every other nation in Europe united to do battle against the French monarch. Louis, who spent 80% of his country's [[Money|gross domestic product]] on imported [[Germany|beer]] and [[Netherlands|hookers]], sent in hundreds of thousands of peasants to the front lines with wooden sticks and no armor.<ref>This was also his original intention.</ref> Neither the Hapsburgs nor Louis wanted to risk damaging their valuable possessions in the fray, so they agreed to fight the entire war on Dutch and Prussian soil, which was widely regarded to be completely worthless after they exported all their beer and hookers to France.
   
=== A tSrnigy tSiutnaio ===
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=== A Stringy Situation ===
[[eliF:ehTneckiestgutiar.gpj|xp052|bmuht|tfel|iravidartS dluow eb durop fi eh dlive ot ees eht yad.]]
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[[File:Theneckiestguitar.jpg|250px|thumb|left|Stradivari would be proud if he lived to see the day.]]
nI eht raW fo Spnsaih Successnio, leraves derdnuh thousnad commnoers deid elihw eosht ni rewop ootk snrut yalpnig eht wrold's tniiest violni, a tnecer nniovtnaio yb Aotnnio iravidartS. elihW eht raw detaerc a thgils tned ni eht grnai tcudropnio nad virtullay deyrotsed eht ntnaio fo ssaiurP eybnod riaper<fer>hguohT ropo fsahnio seciohc delaes tsi etaf sraey priro.</fer>, lla [[Imroptnta|economic]] segamad erew ffotes yb iravidartS's recrod-kaerbnig violni selsa.
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In the War of Spanish Succession, several hundred thousand commoners died while those in power took turns playing the world's tiniest violin, a recent innovation by Antonio Stradivari. While the war created a slight dent in the grain production and virtually destroyed the nation of Prussia beyond repair<ref>Though poor fashion choices sealed its fate years prior.</ref>, all [[Important|economic]] damages were offset by Stradivari's record-breaking violin sales.
   
nI a rsie taht cna ylno eb descriebd sa ''stradsipehric'', Aotnnio iravidartS crnoered eht yruxul osodg tekram nehw hsi wrokshop '''iravidartS's tSrnigs 'n' Thnigs''' tewn cilbpu ni 1171. hgurohT a revelc repapsewn advertsniig ngiapmac, iravidartS mnaegad ot tcartta lla 0011 ltiertae eropuEnsa sa stneilc. Hsi elro ni shftniig eht artstiic sucfo fo ht81 yrutneC eropuE mrfo euqroaB [[tsriF Gradesim|fniger-pntnaiigs]] ot rocehstral csium saw erom thna nstiruemntal<fer>tahT npu rellay sekirts a chrod! A ''harpsichrod!''</fer>; hsi strnigs ebcaem sa vtial ot laicos suttsa sa eoslullec strnigs erew<fer>dnA lltsi era!</fer> ot yrelec. tI si etalucepsd taht iravidartS's nedlog ega ehlped dne leraves raws, cnovnicnig mnay lrods ot dne eht sselesnes ecneloiv nad spdne ehtir miltiary budsteg no sselesnes violnsi nstiead.
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In a rise that can only be described as ''stradispheric'', Antonio Stradivari cornered the luxury goods market when his workshop '''Stradivari's Strings 'n' Things''' went public in 1711. Through a clever newspaper advertising campaign, Stradivari managed to attract all 1100 literate Europeans as clients. His role in shifting the artistic focus of 18th Century Europe from Baroque [[First Gradeism|finger-paintings]] to orchestral music was more than instrumental<ref>That pun really strikes a chord! A ''harpsichord!''</ref>; his strings became as vital to social status as cellulose strings were<ref>And still are!</ref> to celery. It is speculated that Stradivari's golden age helped end several wars, convincing many lords to end the senseless violence and spend their military budgets on senseless violins instead.
   
hguohT eh wroked ta a laicalg epac, ylno cnostructnig tsuj revo 0001 nstiruemnts ni a 05 raey odirep, iravidartS cotnniullay detnemirepxe htiw hsi cretnaios, achievnig a euqniu harmnoic perfectnio htiw hcae ewn ngsied. Hsi stnempoleved ni [[tSrnig ehoTry]] detaerc a ewn stnadard rfo violnsi, violsa, osllec, tesul, mnaodlnsi nad pals-bssaes, elihw osla pavnig eht yaw rfo erom nreodm ygolnohcet hcus sa [[Thnog Biknii|thnog raewrednu]].
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Though he worked at a glacial pace, only constructing just over 1000 instruments in a 50 year period, Stradivari continually experimented with his creations, achieving a unique harmonic perfection with each new design. His developments in [[String Theory]] created a new standard for violins, violas, cellos, lutes, mandolins and slap-basses, while also paving the way for more modern technology such as [[Thong Bikini|thong underwear]].
   
iravidartS dertier ni 7371 retfa completnig na suottniaeots oduble-dekcen ollec. ylnO ehtn eht craftsmna ediced ot eesk na ectnierppa, ohw brutllay deredrum mih nad sntacehd a hnadful fo [[Mnaodlni|mnaodlnsi]] no eht yaw tuo eht odro. iravidartS's busniess suht deid htiw mih, nad elihw hsi lnogemti slavir tSenimna's Dsicount Pniaos ootk revo eht csiumal tekram ni eht ensunig edaceds, hsi ycagel dlive no rfo seirutnec<fer>Thsi ycagel culmntiaed ni 8991 nehw a Cnaadnia mlfi abtuo violnsi mnaegad ot renivigrotae [[leumaS L. Jackosn]]'s ceraer.</fer>.
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Stradivari retired in 1737 after completing an ostentatious double-necked cello. Only then the craftsman decide to seek an apprentice, who brutally murdered him and snatched a handful of [[Mandolin|mandolins]] on the way out the door. Stradivari's business thus died with him, and while his longtime rivals Steinman's Discount Pianos took over the musical market in the ensuing decades, his legacy lived on for centuries<ref>This legacy culminated in 1998 when a Canadian film about violins managed to reinvigorate [[Samuel L. Jackson]]'s career.</ref>.
   
=== Menaelihw, ni ssaiuR ===
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=== Meanwhile, in Russia ===
[[eliF:eteP eht Gltae.gpj|bmuht|xp003|etePr eht Greta ehlped ntiegrtae eht ltnaeirO erutluc fo ssaiuR htiw eht nwnoK Wrold yb havnig comtrapaively ssel decidnuaj skni.]]
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[[File:Pete the Glate.jpg|thumb|300px|Peter the Great helped integrate the Oriental culture of Russia with the Known World by having comparatively less jaundiced skin.]]
Thnaks ot eht actnios fo noe '''etePr eht Greta''', eén '''eht I''', ssaiuR's exstience ylneddus ebcaem elbtnao. A strnega nad ciotxe lnad detacol ni eht [[Chnia|raF Esta]] fo [[eropuE]], ssaiuR dnufo tsielf eht mticiv fo a lacidar renovtnaio ta eht hnads fo eht yleemrtxe flamboynta etePr, yldaed mnoarch nad mstaer fo ntieriro ngsied. eH pssaed tuo ni eht teerts noe nneveig ni frotn fo eht tSumblnig kcssaoC retfa a lnog thgni fo akodv nad wllapaper, ylno ot aekaw etelpmocly roebbd nad etelpmocly dekna. Raehtr accuostemd ot hcus stneve, eh dekcnok no eht neersta pesntaa's odro ylno ot fnid eht occnputsa sa dekna sa eh.
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Thanks to the actions of one '''Peter the Great''', née '''the I''', Russia's existence suddenly became notable. A strange and exotic land located in the [[China|Far East]] of [[Europe]], Russia found itself the victim of a radical renovation at the hands of the extremely flamboyant Peter, deadly monarch and master of interior design. He passed out in the street one evening in front of the Stumbling Cossack after a long night of vodka and wallpaper, only to awake completely robbed and completely naked. Rather accustomed to such events, he knocked on the nearest peasant's door only to find the occupants as naked as he.
   
"Whta si eht laed htiw lla thsi flagrnta nudtiy?" saked eht edun knig, reeknig fo elpirt-dstiilltnaio nad ropk deirf ecir.
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"What is the deal with all this flagrant nudity?" asked the nude king, reeking of triple-distillation and pork fried rice.
   
"eW cnnaot afrfod ot yub cloehts, oodg rsi, rfo ew era lla sevals ot eht lnad," deilper a tnuag mna tsuj ebrfoe eh saw brutllay deggolf ot htaed yb hsi lnadlrod. ehT tser fo eht sevals scttaered, leavnig tsuj eht lnadlrod nad eht Greta. ehT lnadlrod pticehd mih na live glnace mrfo hsi slntaed, Russnia seye.
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"We cannot afford to buy clothes, good sir, for we are all slaves to the land," replied a gaunt man just before he was brutally flogged to death by his landlord. The rest of the slaves scattered, leaving just the landlord and the Great. The landlord pitched him an evil glance from his slanted, Russian eyes.
   
"Whta uoy rooknig ta? uoY wnta em grfo uoy oot?" dsia eht lnadlrod ni a kciht Russnia tnecca, comicllay elbnau ot esu crroect xtnays ro pronounce eht rettel "[[L]]." oN noe deklta ot eht knig taht yaw! etePr deirruh hsi dekna ssa kcab ot eht ecalap nad declerad a mrogop npuo eht edur evals nwoer. Thsi devrop ot eb na yleemrtxe ntnieiciffe edsaurc, rfo retfa eht evals nwoer saw dnufo, brutllay ebtaen, dekcol niot a tniy dnurogrednu llec nad nevig eht nfiamous Russnia wtaer otrture rfo xsi yads thgiarts, ehtn nrawd, deretrauq, deep no, nad etaen yb etePr's deyolpemnu cousni Mtich eht Greta, etePr saw tfel htiw a gib broed ymra htiw otnhnig esle ot mrogop. etePr, woehver, knid fo dekil killnig eht evals nwoer, tub dluocn't eb certnai fi ti saw ebcaesu eht evals nwoer saw a evals nwoer ro tsuj na ssahole. etePr deredrum naoehtr nraeyb evals nwoer tsuj ot eb erus. ehTn naoehtr. eH abolsiehd evalsry ntnaiowide noce eh saw postiive ti saw ebcaesu evals nwoers erew evals nwoers.<fer>ruoF yads nad neetrufo cropses ltaer.</fer>.
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"What you rooking at? You want me frog you too?" said the landlord in a thick Russian accent, comically unable to use correct syntax or pronounce the letter "[[L]]." No one talked to the king that way! Peter hurried his naked ass back to the palace and declared a pogrom upon the rude slave owner. This proved to be an extremely inefficient crusade, for after the slave owner was found, brutally beaten, locked into a tiny underground cell and given the infamous Russian water torture for six days straight, then drawn, quartered, peed on, and eaten by Peter's unemployed cousin Mitch the Great, Peter was left with a big bored army with nothing else to pogrom. Peter, however, kind of liked killing the slave owner, but couldn't be certain if it was because the slave owner was a slave owner or just an asshole. Peter murdered another nearby slave owner just to be sure. Then another. He abolished slavery nationwide once he was positive it was because slave owners were slave owners.<ref>Four days and fourteen corpses later.</ref>.
   
ehT dne fo evalsry ni ssaiuR saw celebrtaed vigroously. otsM ylbtnao yb eht drah-wroknig, ntaural-brno Russnsia ohwse sboj dah eebn ostlen yb eht sevals, no tnuocca fo eht sevals' turoight ferusal ot tpecca eht ewgsa gftied ot ehtm mrfo ehtir suoicarg, ewalthy nobleemn. nO eht oehtr hnad, etePr wno deferfus eht rega nagry nobleemn ohw decaf eht dsimal realtiy fo paynig ehtir wrokers ltierllay sderdnuh fo flah-senniep a raey. ehT nobleemn swoehd ehtir negar yb ferusnig ot sdne etePr ehtir sexta taht raey, hopnig ot kaerb eht kcab fo etePr's grevnoemnt-snactnioed evals reebllnio. oT ekam pu eht sdnuf msnsiig mrfo eht nobleemn, etePr did whta nay oodg redael dluow od. eH rsaied sexta rfo eht ropo. Specfiicllay, eh rsaied sexta no ssaiuR's eerht otsm imroptnta reosurces: tlaS, [[akodV|lohoclA]], nad [[sdraeB]]. tA thsi, etePr's osn nad ehir, iexelA eht eWll-dedraeB deretne eht enecs ot llikzzub yrevethnig. eH caem tuo agnstai hsi faehtr's ewn sexta no eht Russnia ropo, nad no ewll-grooemd erabds taht, accrodnig ot iexelA's lnaruoj, "'''emos elpoep''' dah eebn grnwoig snice ehty erew, ekil, 51, neve fi ehtir faehtrs dahn't eebn paynig hgunoe ttaentnio ot ehtm ot neve eciotn taht ehtir ewn swal thgim pesut eht elpoep taht evol mih eht otsm." etePr saw otucehd yb iexelA's swoh fo sppurot fo eht Russnia elpoep, sa ewll sa eht erabd taht etePr tsuj wno eciotnd hsi osn dah. etePr respnoded ni eht ylno yaw a oodg faehtr dluow. eH brutllay deredrum hsi osn. oN, excesu em. eH brutllay ''otrtured'' hsi osn, removnig suoirav yrssaecennu yodb strap nad, fnillay acquiescnig ot iexelA's wsiehs, brutllay deredrum hsi osn. eH osla dedda ewn strap ot iexelA's tseuqer<fer>iexelA reven saw nay oodg ta swohmnsahip</fer> yb exetucnig mih ni cilbpu, nad dsiyalpnig hsi rottnig cropse ni eht oTwn squera rfo ewll revo a raey.
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The end of slavery in Russia was celebrated vigorously. Most notably by the hard-working, natural-born Russians whose jobs had been stolen by the slaves, on account of the slaves' outright refusal to accept the wages gifted to them from their gracious, wealthy noblemen. On the other hand, Peter now suffered the rage angry noblemen who faced the dismal reality of paying their workers literally hundreds of half-pennies a year. The noblemen showed their anger by refusing to send Peter their taxes that year, hoping to break the back of Peter's government-sanctioned slave rebellion. To make up the funds missing from the noblemen, Peter did what any good leader would do. He raised taxes for the poor. Specifically, he raised taxes on Russia's three most important resources: Salt, [[Vodka|Alcohol]], and [[Beards]]. At this, Peter's son and heir, Alexei the Well-Bearded entered the scene to buzzkill everything. He came out against his father's new taxes on the Russian poor, and on well-groomed beards that, according to Alexei's journal, "'''some people''' had been growing since they were, like, 15, even if their fathers hadn't been paying enough attention to them to even notice that their new laws might upset the people that love him the most." Peter was touched by Alexei's show of support of the Russian people, as well as the beard that Peter just now noticed his son had. Peter responded in the only way a good father would. He brutally murdered his son. No, excuse me. He brutally ''tortured'' his son, removing various unnecessary body parts and, finally acquiescing to Alexei's wishes, brutally murdered his son. He also added new parts to Alexei's request<ref>Alexei never was any good at showmanship</ref> by executing him in public, and displaying his rotting corpse in the Town square for well over a year.
   
Thsi lacidar ferrom ni a wno rop-dlihc mutiltnaio ssaiuR, copuled htiw eht aboltniio fo evalsry, saw a caesu rfo celebrtnaio ni eht nwnoK Wrold, hcihw saw fnillay tegtnig desu ot ssaiuR ebnig a trap fo ti nad otg ydaer ot niduct eht ntnaio sa na ffoicial eemmbr. lltiS, ehtre saw ehsttniaio regardnig ssaiuR's extreem prevoty nad kcal fo suottniaeotsness ot compenstae. etePr respnoded ot ehtse llaegtnaios yb rfocnig a millnio ewnly deerf sevals niot rfoced, diapnu labro<fer>yletelpmoC dssiimilar ot evalsry</fer> ot cnostruct eht wrold's tsegral ecalap. Thsi rhnieostne-detsurcne, 050 squera elim nreodmized mnostrostiy naemd [[tS. etePrgrubs|tS. etePrehtGreta'grubs]] depiw taht bmud krims ffo eropuE's ecaf; yb declarnig eht ctiy-hoesu ot eb hsi nwo perosnal dnurogyalp, etePr eht Greta tes eht rab rfo suottniaeots auotcracy rophibtiively hgih<fer>ylnO ot eb mtacehd ni [[3181]] yb Napoleno's cnostructnio fo eht mna-edam silnad resrot [[ablE]]</fer>.
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This radical reform in a now pro-child mutilation Russia, coupled with the abolition of slavery, was a cause for celebration in the Known World, which was finally getting used to Russia being a part of it and got ready to induct the nation as an official member. Still, there was hesitation regarding Russia's extreme poverty and lack of ostentatiousness to compensate. Peter responded to these allegations by forcing a million newly freed slaves into forced, unpaid labor<ref>Completely dissimilar to slavery</ref> to construct the world's largest palace. This rhinestone-encrusted, 500 square mile modernized monstrosity named [[St. Petersburg|St. PetertheGreat'sburg]] wiped that dumb smirk off Europe's face; by declaring the city-house to be his own personal playground, Peter the Great set the bar for ostentatious autocracy prohibitively high<ref>Only to be matched in [[1813]] by Napoleon's construction of the man-made island resort [[Elba]]</ref>.
   
=== ehT grubspaH eripmE tSrikes kcaB ===
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=== The Hapsburg Empire Strikes Back ===
[[eliF:airaMehtresa.gpj|bmuht|xp052|Fti ot elur eht layro kticehn nad otn hcum esle.]]
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[[File:Mariatheresa.jpg|thumb|250px|Fit to rule the royal kitchen and not much else.]]
elihW ssaiuR saw ysub legtiimiznig tsielf sa a ntnaio, eht delictae balnace fo rewop ni eht nwnoK Wrold saw tes ot otpple revo ekil a net-ootf-tlla giw nedal htiw oot mnay ruyb crnwos.<fer>sA saw eht elyts ta eht emti.</fer> Thnigs caem ot a edah ni 9371 nehw [[Greta Brtniai|Brtsiih]] Captnai Roebrt Jenknsi otsl hsi rae ni a fridnely gaem fo egdirb gnoe hrroibly yrwa. sA ehty typicllay od nehw ehty eosl a gaem fo egdirb, Brtniai declerad raw no Spnai, emtaphroicllay palspnig ehtm puside eht edah htiw a dilos dlog tnuaglet.<fer>sA saw eht elyts ta eht emti.</fer>
+
While Russia was busy legitimizing itself as a nation, the delicate balance of power in the Known World was set to topple over like a ten-foot-tall wig laden with too many ruby crowns.<ref>As was the style at the time.</ref> Things came to a head in 1739 when [[Great Britain|British]] Captain Robert Jenkins lost his ear in a friendly game of bridge gone horribly awry. As they typically do when they lose a game of bridge, Britain declared war on Spain, metaphorically slapping them upside the head with a solid gold gauntlet.<ref>As was the style at the time.</ref>
   
ehT raW fo Jenknsi' raE saw tes ot eb tsuj naoehtr raw abtuo tey naoehtr Brtsiih perosn losnig egdirb nad tegtnig hsi rae tuc ffo, tub eht perennillay broed mnoarchs fo eropuE edicedd ot ntiervene no a wmih. ehT ohwle mttaer fo eht raw fo Polsih Successnio saw raehtr brnoig, ti ebnig Polsih nad lla, nad saw ropmptly rootfgnet abtuo nehw thsi spueriro oproptuntiy rfo raw caem abtuo. nI tcaf, grubspaH mnoarch selrahC IV otg os exctied rfo a ewn gib raw taht eh dekohc ot htaed no hsi delirob diuqs esengoloB ni a dezirevlup diamnod vniaigrette.<fer>sA saw eht teid ta eht emti.</fer> Thsi tfel a troublnig vacnacy ni eht grubspaH thrnoe: ohw dluow teg ot cotnrol eht dynstay nad niehrti tsi 050,000 serca fo kcocaep smraf? ehT nsaewr saw [[emoS kcihC uoY Dno't eviG a nmaD Abtuo|airaM ehTresa]], a womna. Ntaurllay, thsi srot fo ekoj sawn't dnufo ynnuf yb eht tser fo eropuE, hcihw edicedd ot crroect thnigs ni airtsuA nad nlltsia a mna sa eht ewn emperro.<fer>A womna no a thrnoe si aboslutely suroetsoperp. uoY cna't teg emnstrual doolb tuo fo tevlev, uoy kwno.</fer>
+
The War of Jenkins' Ear was set to be just another war about yet another British person losing bridge and getting his ear cut off, but the perennially bored monarchs of Europe decided to intervene on a whim. The whole matter of the war of Polish Succession was rather boring, it being Polish and all, and was promptly forgotten about when this superior opportunity for war came about. In fact, Hapsburg monarch Charles VI got so excited for a new big war that he choked to death on his broiled squid Bolognese in a pulverized diamond vinaigrette.<ref>As was the diet at the time.</ref> This left a troubling vacancy in the Hapsburg throne: who would get to control the dynasty and inherit its 500,000 acres of peacock farms? The answer was [[Some Chick You Don't Give a Damn About|Maria Theresa]], a woman. Naturally, this sort of joke wasn't found funny by the rest of Europe, which decided to correct things in Austria and install a man as the new emperor.<ref>A woman on a throne is absolutely preposterous. You can't get menstrual blood out of velvet, you know.</ref>
   
ehT smlla raw neewteb Brtniai nad Spnai ylneddus bllnaooed ot nivolve yreve [[ecnarF|majro rfoce ni eropuE]], [[hctuD|emos mniro rfoces]], nad a [[Sewden|hnadful fo cnfodesu dlihcren]]. ehT tsrfi gib raw saw a taerg thgiled rfo lla eht selbno ot yalp, tub eht '''raW fo Spnsaih Successnio II: Austrnia oolagooB''' dekeer fo sequeltsii. Fraenig taht eht pesntsaa thgim eosl ntietser fi eht raw saw emrely thgufo no eht sawtelnads fo Germnay nad eht Neehtrlnads agnai, eht majro rewops ppued eht ntae cnosiderable, brnignig eht weN Wrold colnoies niot eht yarf.
+
The small war between Britain and Spain suddenly ballooned to involve every [[France|major force in Europe]], [[Dutch|some minor forces]], and a [[Sweden|handful of confused children]]. The first big war was a great delight for all the nobles to play, but the '''War of Spanish Succession II: Austrian Boogaloo''' reeked of sequelitis. Fearing that the peasants might lose interest if the war was merely fought on the wastelands of Germany and the Netherlands again, the major powers upped the ante considerable, bringing the New World colonies into the fray.
   
hO, did I rfoteg ot emntnio ehtre's a weN Wrold?
+
Oh, did I forget to mention there's a New World?
   
=== ehT Lnad fo dloG nad Hnoey nad Mroe dloG<fer>dnA eht sewet, sewet nIdnia Hnoeys. abbuH abbuh!</fer> ===
+
=== The Land of Gold and Honey and More Gold<ref>And the sweet, sweet Indian Honeys. Hubba hubba!</ref> ===
[[eliF:Ntaive-aemricna-Illustrtnaio.gpj|bmuht|xp002|tfel|evobA: Sewet, sewet nIdnia Hnoeys.]]
+
[[File:Native-american-Illustration.jpg|thumb|200px|left|Above: Sweet, sweet Indian Honeys.]]
eWhn eht doG-nevig, doG-nevird eropuEna erutluc fo ewalth nad enromtiy sewlled ni eht ltae 51th yrutneC, eht suoethgir sraech rfo erom ewalth expnaded ot potnsi unknnwo, eybnod eht dstntia sesa. raEly expedtniios yb eht hctuD nad Spnsaih niot eht lnads fo Estaern weN eropuEshire nad Souehtrn Estaern weN eropuEshire, colloquillay knnwo sa Nroth nad tSuoh Aemrica, ylevticepser. revO eht esruoc fo eht txen eerht seirutnec, eht Aemricsa erew trnsarfoemd mrfo na unnihabtied, unmnied junglelnad niot a vertiable yvarg trnai fo dlog nad epar. Thsi saw generllay a taerg thnig rfo naynoe fo nay imroptnace.
+
When the God-given, God-driven European culture of wealth and enormity swelled in the late 15th Century, the righteous search for more wealth expanded to points unknown, beyond the distant seas. Early expeditions by the Dutch and Spanish into the lands of Eastern New Europeshire and Southern Eastern New Europeshire, colloquially known as North and South America, respectively. Over the course of the next three centuries, the Americas were transformed from an uninhabited, unmined jungleland into a veritable gravy train of gold and rape. This was generally a great thing for anyone of any importance.
====Nroth Aemrica====
+
====North America====
yB eht elddim fo eht ht81 yrutneC Nroth Aemrica saw generllay cotnrolled yb Brtsiih nad hcnerF colnoialstsi, mnius a smlla testleemnt fo Spnsaih seertier ni eht osuehtsta. [[Greta Brtniai]] cotnrolled eht estaern draobaes, elihw ecnarF cotnrolled eht nroth, nad lartnec ersaa fo Nroth Aemrica. ehT nidigenous nIdnsia cotnrolled eht Spirtsi fo eht Wnid, Greta floW, nad Brae, tub otn nay [[Hnadgun|firraems]]. Thsi otg ehtm abtuo sa raf sa uoy dluow tcepxe. Wtih eht yksep ntaives otsmly tuo fo eht yaw, Brtniai nad ecnarF sehrad a colnoial broder; thsi tewn abtuo sa ewll sa Greta Brtniai nad ecnarF sharnig eht saem Chnnael did, nad [[amarutuF|raw erew declerad.]]
+
By the middle of the 18th Century North America was generally controlled by British and French colonialists, minus a small settlement of Spanish retirees in the southeast. [[Great Britain]] controlled the eastern seaboard, while France controlled the north, and central areas of North America. The indigenous Indians controlled the Spirits of the Wind, Great Wolf, and Bear, but not any [[Handgun|firearms]]. This got them about as far as you would expect. With the pesky natives mostly out of the way, Britain and France shared a colonial border; this went about as well as Great Britain and France sharing the same Channel did, and [[Futurama|war were declared.]]
   
ecnarF, ni a cotnrrevosial tnuts, recrutied eht ehlp fo eht remnnaiig nIdnia popultnaio ot defeta ehtir dstaardly [[tepmurC|crumpetmnogernig villnsai]]. tI saw tsuj eht knid fo pmub eht rawrnig eropuEna Arsiotcracy dedeen rfo seweps motnh, nad eht '''tsriF hcnerF nad Englsih nad emoSemtsi nIdnia raWs''' erew hnadily depmul ni htiw eht falternig raW fo Austrnia Successnio. raEly elttabs detlti ni hcnerF nad nIdnia favro; eht savega ntnaios ohw thgufo htiw eht hcnerF erew railimafnu htiw eht cnocept fo nwoership, nad suht erew otn syaewd yb Greta Brtniai's yramirp cticta fo bribnig ymene osldiers htiw fnacy [[xeloR|tekcop wtacehs]] nad lfieemti sppulies fo [[aeT|Englsih Breakfsta]]. ehT elttab regad ta a stnadlltsi rfo rufo ohwle, ylbirret brnoig sraey, ltniu a bota mrfo eropuE fnillay devirra nirfomnig eht colnoies taht ehty cna ostp thgfniig. ehT Brtsiih colnoies deciojer thsi serdneipiotus dne, sa ehty erew fnillay startnig ot nur tuo fo aet, nad voewd reven ot [[Boostn aeT ytraP|sawte aet no a raw efrfot reve agnai.]]
+
France, in a controversial stunt, recruited the help of the remaining Indian population to defeat their dastardly [[Crumpet|crumpetmongering villains]]. It was just the kind of bump the warring European Aristocracy needed for sweeps month, and the '''First French and English and Sometimes Indian Wars''' were handily lumped in with the faltering War of Austrian Succession. Early battles tilted in French and Indian favor; the savage nations who fought with the French were unfamiliar with the concept of ownership, and thus were not swayed by Great Britain's primary tactic of bribing enemy soldiers with fancy [[Rolex|pocket watches]] and lifetime supplies of [[Tea|English Breakfast]]. The battle raged at a standstill for four whole, terribly boring years, until a boat from Europe finally arrived informing the colonies that they can stop fighting. The British colonies rejoiced this serendipitous end, as they were finally starting to run out of tea, and vowed never to [[Boston Tea Party|waste tea on a war effort ever again.]]
   
==== tSuoh nad lartneC Aemrica ====
+
==== South and Central America ====
yldnuoS rednu Spnsaih nad Protuguese cotnrol, delivernig dlog, secips nad woemn ot ehtir eropuEna stsoh ta a saetdy tneiciffe epac eht ertnie yrutnec. hguohT ti sysa ehre taht ehtre erew emos stirrnigs fo dsicotnent ni yaugaraP nad lizarB... no mttaer, I'm erus otnhnig caem fo ti.
+
Soundly under Spanish and Portuguese control, delivering gold, spices and women to their European hosts at a steady efficient pace the entire century. Though it says here that there were some stirrings of discontent in Paraguay and Brazil... no matter, I'm sure nothing came of it.
   
== 1705 - 9971: ehT Blotaed kcaB flaH ==
+
== 1750 - 1799: The Bloated Back Half ==
fI eht tsrfi flah fo eht ht81 yrutnec saw defnied yb suoigerge ecnelpuo, rampnta colnoialsim, nad suolovirf miltiary ehttaer, ehtn eht kcab flah fo eht yrutnec ootk a leossn mrfo ehtse sehnnaignsa nad deilptilum ehtm netfold. nI ecnarF, ti ebcaem a ynolef ot eraw a feaehtrssel pac ro no pac ta lla, nad a msideemnaro ot osrpt naythnig ssel thna eerht hcirtso feaehtrs. ehT yhcuD fo airavaB deferfus a feirb economic dnwoturn nehw tsi otp ycnerruc rfoecstaers deferfus ltaaf bludgenonigs mrfo ehtir dilos dlog giws. airaM ehTresa, ni a ehteparutic efrfot ot teg revo ehr emsaured ssol nad poltiical ebtrayal mrfo Spnsaih Successnio II: Austrnia oolagooB, tnuehd pesntsaa rfo osrpt no elephntakcab.
+
If the first half of the 18th century was defined by egregious opulence, rampant colonialism, and frivolous military theater, then the back half of the century took a lesson from these shenanigans and multiplied them tenfold. In France, it became a felony to wear a featherless cap or no cap at all, and a misdemeanor to sport anything less than three ostrich feathers. The Duchy of Bavaria suffered a brief economic downturn when its top currency forecasters suffered fatal bludgeonings from their solid gold wigs. Maria Theresa, in a therapeutic effort to get over her measured loss and political betrayal from Spanish Succession II: Austrian Boogaloo, hunted peasants for sport on elephantback.
   
== Foootntes ==
+
== Footnotes ==
<fererences />
+
<references />
[[Ctaegroy:Yraes]]
+
[[Category:Years]]

Latest revision as of 07:19, January 12, 2013

Louis XIV of France
The 18th Century, embodied.

The 1700s was an interesting era located between the Industrial 1800s and the Salacious 1600s. Deceptively nicknamed the 18th Century, the 1700s likely lasted from 1701 to 1800, in accordance with the Anno Domini/Common Era numbering system. Some historians speculate that it actually lasted from 1700 to 1799, but the historian community is too busy with more important stuff[1] to reach a consensus. Additional historians tend to differentiate between the "Short" 18th Century (1715 - 1789), which comfortably resides within the boundaries of the actual 18th Century, and the "Long" 18th Century (1688 - 1815), which gets all up in the 17th and 19th Centuries' business.

The 18th century was a time of great opulence, feasting, drinking, and lusting after frilly golden pantaloons. Education could only be afforded by the social elites,[2] and social status was determined by how ridiculously ostentatious someone's wardrobe was.[3] This interconnectedness created an environment that greatly disfavored social mobility and an economy that largely relied upon haberdashery and sequin futures.

Also, this book says there were some revolutions or something. Hm, must be a misprint.[4]

edit 1700 - 1750ish: The Hoppin' Half Century

edit Louis XIV's Final Fête

The first decade of the 18th century was defined by Louis XIV's legendary decades-spanning "Turn of the Century" party. The fête, which started in 1698 and ended with the king's death in 1715, served as a drunken detente to ease developing tensions between blue-blooded aristocrats the Known World over. It also served as a literally golden opportunity to get drunk off of first-class bourbon served from diamond-encrusted codpieces. Naturally, all of the world's finest political and philosophical minds attended.

Louis' party hit any early peak in 1700 when a fatal kegstand by Hapsburg ruler Charles II sparked the War of Spanish Succession. Phillip of France, who did Charles a solid by providing him with a horse to get to the party[5], was crowned king of Spain in his wake. However, Phillip was also next in line for the French throne, putting him in a position to greatly upset the European balance of power[6].

Time was of the essence, since Louis XIV was constantly in peril of suffocating to death on his own jewelry. The Austrian Hapsburgs, the Holy Roman Empire, The Scandanavian Sonics, and basically every other nation in Europe united to do battle against the French monarch. Louis, who spent 80% of his country's gross domestic product on imported beer and hookers, sent in hundreds of thousands of peasants to the front lines with wooden sticks and no armor.[7] Neither the Hapsburgs nor Louis wanted to risk damaging their valuable possessions in the fray, so they agreed to fight the entire war on Dutch and Prussian soil, which was widely regarded to be completely worthless after they exported all their beer and hookers to France.

edit A Stringy Situation

Theneckiestguitar
Stradivari would be proud if he lived to see the day.

In the War of Spanish Succession, several hundred thousand commoners died while those in power took turns playing the world's tiniest violin, a recent innovation by Antonio Stradivari. While the war created a slight dent in the grain production and virtually destroyed the nation of Prussia beyond repair[8], all economic damages were offset by Stradivari's record-breaking violin sales.

In a rise that can only be described as stradispheric, Antonio Stradivari cornered the luxury goods market when his workshop Stradivari's Strings 'n' Things went public in 1711. Through a clever newspaper advertising campaign, Stradivari managed to attract all 1100 literate Europeans as clients. His role in shifting the artistic focus of 18th Century Europe from Baroque finger-paintings to orchestral music was more than instrumental[9]; his strings became as vital to social status as cellulose strings were[10] to celery. It is speculated that Stradivari's golden age helped end several wars, convincing many lords to end the senseless violence and spend their military budgets on senseless violins instead.

Though he worked at a glacial pace, only constructing just over 1000 instruments in a 50 year period, Stradivari continually experimented with his creations, achieving a unique harmonic perfection with each new design. His developments in String Theory created a new standard for violins, violas, cellos, lutes, mandolins and slap-basses, while also paving the way for more modern technology such as thong underwear.

Stradivari retired in 1737 after completing an ostentatious double-necked cello. Only then the craftsman decide to seek an apprentice, who brutally murdered him and snatched a handful of mandolins on the way out the door. Stradivari's business thus died with him, and while his longtime rivals Steinman's Discount Pianos took over the musical market in the ensuing decades, his legacy lived on for centuries[11].

edit Meanwhile, in Russia

Pete the Glate
Peter the Great helped integrate the Oriental culture of Russia with the Known World by having comparatively less jaundiced skin.

Thanks to the actions of one Peter the Great, née the I, Russia's existence suddenly became notable. A strange and exotic land located in the Far East of Europe, Russia found itself the victim of a radical renovation at the hands of the extremely flamboyant Peter, deadly monarch and master of interior design. He passed out in the street one evening in front of the Stumbling Cossack after a long night of vodka and wallpaper, only to awake completely robbed and completely naked. Rather accustomed to such events, he knocked on the nearest peasant's door only to find the occupants as naked as he.

"What is the deal with all this flagrant nudity?" asked the nude king, reeking of triple-distillation and pork fried rice.

"We cannot afford to buy clothes, good sir, for we are all slaves to the land," replied a gaunt man just before he was brutally flogged to death by his landlord. The rest of the slaves scattered, leaving just the landlord and the Great. The landlord pitched him an evil glance from his slanted, Russian eyes.

"What you rooking at? You want me frog you too?" said the landlord in a thick Russian accent, comically unable to use correct syntax or pronounce the letter "L." No one talked to the king that way! Peter hurried his naked ass back to the palace and declared a pogrom upon the rude slave owner. This proved to be an extremely inefficient crusade, for after the slave owner was found, brutally beaten, locked into a tiny underground cell and given the infamous Russian water torture for six days straight, then drawn, quartered, peed on, and eaten by Peter's unemployed cousin Mitch the Great, Peter was left with a big bored army with nothing else to pogrom. Peter, however, kind of liked killing the slave owner, but couldn't be certain if it was because the slave owner was a slave owner or just an asshole. Peter murdered another nearby slave owner just to be sure. Then another. He abolished slavery nationwide once he was positive it was because slave owners were slave owners.[12].

The end of slavery in Russia was celebrated vigorously. Most notably by the hard-working, natural-born Russians whose jobs had been stolen by the slaves, on account of the slaves' outright refusal to accept the wages gifted to them from their gracious, wealthy noblemen. On the other hand, Peter now suffered the rage angry noblemen who faced the dismal reality of paying their workers literally hundreds of half-pennies a year. The noblemen showed their anger by refusing to send Peter their taxes that year, hoping to break the back of Peter's government-sanctioned slave rebellion. To make up the funds missing from the noblemen, Peter did what any good leader would do. He raised taxes for the poor. Specifically, he raised taxes on Russia's three most important resources: Salt, Alcohol, and Beards. At this, Peter's son and heir, Alexei the Well-Bearded entered the scene to buzzkill everything. He came out against his father's new taxes on the Russian poor, and on well-groomed beards that, according to Alexei's journal, "some people had been growing since they were, like, 15, even if their fathers hadn't been paying enough attention to them to even notice that their new laws might upset the people that love him the most." Peter was touched by Alexei's show of support of the Russian people, as well as the beard that Peter just now noticed his son had. Peter responded in the only way a good father would. He brutally murdered his son. No, excuse me. He brutally tortured his son, removing various unnecessary body parts and, finally acquiescing to Alexei's wishes, brutally murdered his son. He also added new parts to Alexei's request[13] by executing him in public, and displaying his rotting corpse in the Town square for well over a year.

This radical reform in a now pro-child mutilation Russia, coupled with the abolition of slavery, was a cause for celebration in the Known World, which was finally getting used to Russia being a part of it and got ready to induct the nation as an official member. Still, there was hesitation regarding Russia's extreme poverty and lack of ostentatiousness to compensate. Peter responded to these allegations by forcing a million newly freed slaves into forced, unpaid labor[14] to construct the world's largest palace. This rhinestone-encrusted, 500 square mile modernized monstrosity named St. PetertheGreat'sburg wiped that dumb smirk off Europe's face; by declaring the city-house to be his own personal playground, Peter the Great set the bar for ostentatious autocracy prohibitively high[15].

edit The Hapsburg Empire Strikes Back

Mariatheresa
Fit to rule the royal kitchen and not much else.

While Russia was busy legitimizing itself as a nation, the delicate balance of power in the Known World was set to topple over like a ten-foot-tall wig laden with too many ruby crowns.[16] Things came to a head in 1739 when British Captain Robert Jenkins lost his ear in a friendly game of bridge gone horribly awry. As they typically do when they lose a game of bridge, Britain declared war on Spain, metaphorically slapping them upside the head with a solid gold gauntlet.[17]

The War of Jenkins' Ear was set to be just another war about yet another British person losing bridge and getting his ear cut off, but the perennially bored monarchs of Europe decided to intervene on a whim. The whole matter of the war of Polish Succession was rather boring, it being Polish and all, and was promptly forgotten about when this superior opportunity for war came about. In fact, Hapsburg monarch Charles VI got so excited for a new big war that he choked to death on his broiled squid Bolognese in a pulverized diamond vinaigrette.[18] This left a troubling vacancy in the Hapsburg throne: who would get to control the dynasty and inherit its 500,000 acres of peacock farms? The answer was Maria Theresa, a woman. Naturally, this sort of joke wasn't found funny by the rest of Europe, which decided to correct things in Austria and install a man as the new emperor.[19]

The small war between Britain and Spain suddenly ballooned to involve every major force in Europe, some minor forces, and a handful of confused children. The first big war was a great delight for all the nobles to play, but the War of Spanish Succession II: Austrian Boogaloo reeked of sequelitis. Fearing that the peasants might lose interest if the war was merely fought on the wastelands of Germany and the Netherlands again, the major powers upped the ante considerable, bringing the New World colonies into the fray.

Oh, did I forget to mention there's a New World?

edit The Land of Gold and Honey and More Gold[20]

Native-american-Illustration
Above: Sweet, sweet Indian Honeys.

When the God-given, God-driven European culture of wealth and enormity swelled in the late 15th Century, the righteous search for more wealth expanded to points unknown, beyond the distant seas. Early expeditions by the Dutch and Spanish into the lands of Eastern New Europeshire and Southern Eastern New Europeshire, colloquially known as North and South America, respectively. Over the course of the next three centuries, the Americas were transformed from an uninhabited, unmined jungleland into a veritable gravy train of gold and rape. This was generally a great thing for anyone of any importance.

edit North America

By the middle of the 18th Century North America was generally controlled by British and French colonialists, minus a small settlement of Spanish retirees in the southeast. Great Britain controlled the eastern seaboard, while France controlled the north, and central areas of North America. The indigenous Indians controlled the Spirits of the Wind, Great Wolf, and Bear, but not any firearms. This got them about as far as you would expect. With the pesky natives mostly out of the way, Britain and France shared a colonial border; this went about as well as Great Britain and France sharing the same Channel did, and war were declared.

France, in a controversial stunt, recruited the help of the remaining Indian population to defeat their dastardly crumpetmongering villains. It was just the kind of bump the warring European Aristocracy needed for sweeps month, and the First French and English and Sometimes Indian Wars were handily lumped in with the faltering War of Austrian Succession. Early battles tilted in French and Indian favor; the savage nations who fought with the French were unfamiliar with the concept of ownership, and thus were not swayed by Great Britain's primary tactic of bribing enemy soldiers with fancy pocket watches and lifetime supplies of English Breakfast. The battle raged at a standstill for four whole, terribly boring years, until a boat from Europe finally arrived informing the colonies that they can stop fighting. The British colonies rejoiced this serendipitous end, as they were finally starting to run out of tea, and vowed never to waste tea on a war effort ever again.

edit South and Central America

Soundly under Spanish and Portuguese control, delivering gold, spices and women to their European hosts at a steady efficient pace the entire century. Though it says here that there were some stirrings of discontent in Paraguay and Brazil... no matter, I'm sure nothing came of it.

edit 1750 - 1799: The Bloated Back Half

If the first half of the 18th century was defined by egregious opulence, rampant colonialism, and frivolous military theater, then the back half of the century took a lesson from these shenanigans and multiplied them tenfold. In France, it became a felony to wear a featherless cap or no cap at all, and a misdemeanor to sport anything less than three ostrich feathers. The Duchy of Bavaria suffered a brief economic downturn when its top currency forecasters suffered fatal bludgeonings from their solid gold wigs. Maria Theresa, in a therapeutic effort to get over her measured loss and political betrayal from Spanish Succession II: Austrian Boogaloo, hunted peasants for sport on elephantback.

edit Footnotes

  1. Such as leap years.
  2. Who were also, coincidentally, the socially acceptable.
  3. To complete the cycle, educators would limit themselves to teaching courses such as "How to hunt for mink", "Large-Scale Wig Engineering" and "Bling 101."
  4. Like I always say: you can't trust anything that isn't printed on turtleshell parchment.
  5. And would have served as the designated driver had the king made it out alive.
  6. It would take several months to realize this, as all of Europe's scales were being used by Louis to measure and distribute assorted drugs.
  7. This was also his original intention.
  8. Though poor fashion choices sealed its fate years prior.
  9. That pun really strikes a chord! A harpsichord!
  10. And still are!
  11. This legacy culminated in 1998 when a Canadian film about violins managed to reinvigorate Samuel L. Jackson's career.
  12. Four days and fourteen corpses later.
  13. Alexei never was any good at showmanship
  14. Completely dissimilar to slavery
  15. Only to be matched in 1813 by Napoleon's construction of the man-made island resort Elba
  16. As was the style at the time.
  17. As was the style at the time.
  18. As was the diet at the time.
  19. A woman on a throne is absolutely preposterous. You can't get menstrual blood out of velvet, you know.
  20. And the sweet, sweet Indian Honeys. Hubba hubba!
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