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Uncyclopedia:Timeline
∞ BC to 1 BC | 0BC - 0AD | 1 AD - 900 AD | | 901 AD - 1000 AD | 1000 AD - 1699 AD | 1700 AD - 1799 AD | 1800 AD - 1899 AD | 1900AD - 1909AD | 1910AD - 1926AD | 1927ADa - 1927ADi | 1928AD - 1955AD | 1956AD - 1976AD | 1977AD-1989AD | 1990AD - 1999AD | 2000 AD - 2012 AD | End of Time

This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.

Represented here are the time periods from 901 to 1000.




Showoff

Even in the 10th century, the practice of showing off while your girlfriends pretend to ignore you continued to flourish.

The 10th century includes the years 901 to 1000, as only the basest of simpletons (see table above) presume there was a year called "0". Perhaps they believe that since Jesus was born on December 25, 1 AD was only 6 days long, "AD" being Latin for "in the year of our Lord but not your Lord". Those benighted individuals might assume the rest of that year was the year 0 since the previous year was 1 BC, Before Christ. However, this would be too confusing for early Christmas shoppers and migrating birds, therefore this unworkable scheme was rejected.

The 10th century is considered still part of the Dark Ages, although China, among others, had the lights on and someone was definitely home. Perhaps Europe was stumbling around getting close to the light switch, although they absolutely had no trouble finding neighbors in which to stick a sword. While not creating any earth-shaking landmark inventions like changing a thumbs-up button to a "like" button, there were still advancements. Exile a Viking or two and you've got an era of exploration, though in retrospect we have to wonder why the natives they bumped into didn't stock up on a few more rock and arrows. This would also be a time when many notables would coincidentally have "the" as their middle name like Otto the Great, Erik the Red, Felix the Cat, among others.


Timeline

901-910, the decade of bad endings

Chimu textile

Proof positive that the Chimú celebrated Friday the 13th; further, the textile is covered in cat hairs.

  • 902 The Chimú culture in South America invent Friday the 13th soon after their invention of the ladder and the mirror. The thinking went that honoring bad fortune on this day would protect them the rest of the year. Scholars debate whether this worked as the Chimú would eventually have lots of bad luck after meeting the Inca armies.
  • 903 The Mississippian culture begins in the Americas with its signature construction of mounds. Soon, fried chicken, barbecue and collard greens are being sold at roadside stands leading to the attractions. Today, fragments of picnic tables are being found atop the mounds, with scattered ceramic container fragments inscribed "RC Cola" and "Budweiser" and flattened footballs strewn about haphazardly. It is thought that the mounds were used for Moon Pie worship, still an important but secret religion in the South.
  • 904 Babar the Elephant consolidates his rule over much of Central Africa. Monkeys are sent as emissaries to Europe, but are just eaten on arrival. He has to be restrained from attacking Europe by his neighbor and ally, the Wakanda Empire. Babar will eventually claim revenge by naming cricket players after himself and sending them around the world.
  • 907 Tang dynasty falls. Millions of Chinese resort to drinking cheap Kool Aid knockoffs or dip colorful frogs in water. China's early astronaut program collapses as a result.
  • 908 The Borg Collective, a hive mind with space travel capabilities and a bad attitude, lands in Borneo. They quickly assimilate the most intelligent life they can find in the world, which are orang utans.
  • 910 Avicenna injures his big toe in a football game but has no one to turn to for medical help. With experimenting and careful study he becomes a expert physician, self-amputating both legs as a precaution. His attempt to cure a migraine by amputating his head will end in failure, but will prove to be an inspiration to future surgeons.

911-920, the boom years

  • 911 The Norse settle in what is now France and call themselves Normans. The change is so swift that the phrase, "Norman, is that you?" becomes common. They do not invent 911 as an emergency number.
  • 919 Gunpowder is used in the Battle of Langshan Jiang. Previously, Chinese armies were forced to just shout "BOOM". Rockets that had been saved for the picnic afterwards were ignited accidentally and led to the defeat of the Wu. A nascent NRA was pleased.
  • 920 A coyote attempts to blow up a roadrunner in the Sonoran Desert of North American using gunpowder taken from Chinese explorers. He places a cask in the path of the roadrunner, gets it alight, and runs off to hide behind a nearby pueblo building. The roadrunner runs past the cask, tipping it and sending it rolling towards the coyote. The cask then explodes, incinerating the coyote and exterminating the remaining members of the Mogollon culture.

921-930, years of movement

  • 922 Unidentified space aliens land in what is now Canada. Failing to find an open Tim Horton’s, they leave.
Hamster Fun

Hamster with siege wheel used break Byzantium defenses.

  • 925 After the repeated failure of Muslim forces to capture Byzantium, hamsters decide to give it a go. They breach the defenses in a matter of days. Chewy I assumes the title of Holy Roman Emperor and changes the city name to Constantinople.
  • 927 The Nile undergoes a superflood, led by a wave estimated at 30 meters (100 ft.) high. Surfing is accidentally invented by Egyptian peasants.
  • 928 Mount Merapi erupts again bringing devastation to villages on Java. With massive clouds of ash, there is your dark ages right there. Krakatoa wanted to do it first and its pent-up frustrations would later come out in 1883.
  • 929 Good King Wenceslas looks out on the plains of Stephen and gets a couple of knives in the back for his trouble.

931-940, decade of looking to the Far East

  • 932 Woodblock printing is further developed in China. While woodgrain patterns were much admired, printers resorted to carving pictures in order to sell books. PlayMonk and specials like The Girls of Shen Zen were early favorites.
  • 936 Koryeo Dynasty is founded in Korea. Like every royal-led government of the times, they got to where they were by fussing and feuding with the neighbors and continued to do so for many years. Buddha asked, "Can’t we all get along?". And the resounding answer was "Hell, no!!".
  • 939 Wyverns, the "smalle draggon", go extinct. Too many have been captured and sewn to Welsh flags or tacked onto pub signs.

941-950, decade of the oceans

  • 941 Fire arrows are invented by the Chinese, quickly followed by the inventions of running away from fire arrows and running while on fire from fire arrows.
  • 944 Oysters revolt in South America; against whom is a question that puzzles scientists to this day.
  • 945 Basque fisherman reach the Grand Banks off North America and find huge quantities of cod. They return with them dried, selling them to Vikings. With no recipes available, the Vikings end up making lutefisk. Angry Norse then take to the sea to hunt down any Basque that they can find, eventually finding North America in the process.
  • 948 Floating coconuts reach Easter Island where the denizens paint them various colors and hide them. A giant white rabbit visits them from the east, bringing gifts and blessings. Per traditional practice, they barbecue and eat him.
  • 950 The Maori people arrive in New Zealand after attempting to land in Australia to get on the dole.

951-960, years of music

  • 951 Goldfish lay siege to southern Chinese ports but are defeated by a shortage of fish flakes. Meanwhile Siamese Fighting Fish nearby continue to fight each other.
  • 954 In and around the lake, mountains come out of the sky and they stand there.
Big fish

Despite the practice of feeding the elderly to animals, even the fisheries dwindled in the late 900s with the arctic char used for fish and chips giving way to cod and later, mystery fish.

  • 955 Otto the Great defeats the Magyars. The Gabor sisters would then look further west to make conquests.
  • 956 Saint Dunstan goes into Exile, first as second guitar and then later as bass.
  • 960 The Sung dynasty is founded in China, deposing the Unsung dynasty.

961-970, a decade of impatience

  • 961 Despite the proliferation of fish & chips shops and Indian takeaway/takeout, many large animals become extinct in England including bears and basilisks due to hunting. Wolves are replaced by real estate agents.
  • 963 Everyone is now officially off invading somebody else, bar none.
  • 967 Penguins march across Antarctica to new feeding grounds without any prompting or narration from Morgan Freeman.
  • 968 The Toltecs are invented by the Aztecs in what is now Mexico.

971-980, the decade of entrepreneurs

  • 972 Coptic Christians begin opening shekel stores, where everything sells for a shekel or less.
  • 974 Scotland invades itself just for the practice. Scones become popular, mostly as ammunition.
  • 977 After being laid off by Hallmark, Persian poet Ferdowsi begins writing the Shahnameh for one gold coin per couplet. This would usher in a golden age of Persian literature as he was the only person writing anything at the time.
  • 978 The Chinese release a 1000-volume encyclopedia but hundreds of door-to-door salesman die trying to sell copies carried on their backs. Mongols across the border try to publish and offer what they call an uncyclopedia but are hounded by a bandit clan, the Wikia.
  • 979 Danish Vikings led by Victor the Borge with cries of "Resistance is futile" invade England. "Come for the loot, stay for the fish and chips".
  • 979 The Song dynasty is established in China. With a song in their hearts, China decides to invade Tibet and Mongolia.

981-990, the decade of lies

Leif Erikson

Leif Erikson at L'anse aux Meadows Bowlarama.

  • 981. Erik the Red lands in Greenland which he coincidentally names Greenland. Returning to Iceland, he opens up a storefront, selling property in the new land. Many are fooled by the fake plastic palm trees in the office along with Erik’s Hawaiian shirt and proffered rum drinks with little umbrellas in them.
  • 985 Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones is born.
  • 986 Fake treaties are signed everywhere so that all parties involved can return home and get more ammunition.
  • 988 King Hugh Capet of France gets his first order of carpets from a dyslexic king of Bulgaria. This resulted in the first eye roll with an audible click recorded in Western history.

991-1000, the Y1K preparation decade

  • 997 Leif Erikson returns home with stories of fertile and warm lands to the far west across the ocean. Despite the promise that all potential settlers would have to do is slaughter the existing inhabitants, his tales are met with great skepticism. After all, his father was still promising balmy days on deserted tropical beaches. Frustrated, he would return to what is now known as The South, where he would buy a bag of fried chicken and drink himself blind on Budweiser.
  • 998 King Æthelred is still unready.