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Uncyclopedia:Timeline
∞ BCE to 1 BCE | Year 0 | 1 CE - 100 CE (1st century) | 101 - 800 | 801 - 900 | 901 - 1000 | 1001 - 1100 (11th century) | 1101 - 1200 | 1201 - 1700 | 1701 - 1800 | 1801 - 1900 | 20th century: | 1901 - 1910 | 1911 - 1920 | 1921 - 1930 (Roaring Twenties) | 1931 - 1940 | 1941 - 1950 | 1951 - 1960 | 1961 - 1970 | 1971 - 1980 | 1981 - 1990 | 1991 - 2000 | 21st century: | 2001 - 2010 (The Aughts) | 2011 - 2020 (Cellphone Decade) | End of Time

This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.

Represented here are the time periods from 901 to 1000.




Showoff

Even in the 10th century, the practice of showing off while your girlfriends pretend to ignore you continued to flourish.

The 10th century includes the years 901 to 1000, as only the basest of simpletons (see table above) presume there was a year called "0". Perhaps they believe that since Jesus was born on December 25, 1 AD was only 6 days long, "AD" being Latin for "in the year of our Lord but not your Lord". Those benighted individuals might assume the rest of that year was the year 0 since the previous year was 1 BC, Before Christ. However, this would be too confusing for early Christmas shoppers and migrating birds, therefore this unworkable scheme was rejected.

The 10th century is considered still part of the Dark Ages, although China, among others, had the lights on and someone was definitely home. Perhaps Europe was stumbling around getting close to the light switch, although they absolutely had no trouble finding neighbors in which to stick a sword. While not creating any earth-shaking landmark inventions like changing a ♥ button to a "like" button, there were still advancements. Exile a Viking or two and you've got an era of exploration, though in retrospect we have to wonder why the natives they bumped into didn't stock up on a few more rock and arrows. This would also be a time when many notables would coincidentally have "the" as their middle name like Otto the Great, Erik the Red, Felix the Cat, among others.


Timeline

901-910, the decade of bad endings

Chimu textile

Proof positive that the Chimú celebrated Friday the 13th; further, the textile is covered in cat hairs.

  • 902 – The Chimú culture in South America invent Friday the 13th soon after their invention of the ladder and the mirror. The thinking went that honoring bad fortune on this day would protect them the rest of the year. Scholars debate whether this worked as the Chimú would eventually have lots of bad luck after meeting the Inca armies.
  • 903 – The Mississippian culture begins in the Americas with its signature construction of mounds. Soon, fried chicken, barbecue and collard greens are being sold at roadside stands leading to the attractions. Today, fragments of picnic tables are being found atop the mounds, with scattered ceramic container fragments inscribed "RC Cola" and "Budweiser" and flattened footballs strewn about haphazardly. It is thought that the mounds were used for Moon Pie worship, still an important but secret religion in the South.
  • 904Babar the Elephant consolidates his rule over much of Central Africa. Monkeys are sent as emissaries to Europe, but are just eaten on arrival. He has to be restrained from attacking Europe by his neighbor and ally, the Wakanda Empire. Babar will eventually claim revenge by naming cricket players after himself and sending them around the world.
  • 905Holy Roman Emperor Louis III is captured by rival Berengar in Verona. Louis has eyes his burnt out of their sockets. He survives that ordeal and is given a blind guide dog so that he won't invade Italy again.
  • 907 – Tang (or Tango) dynasty falls. Millions of Chinese resort to drinking cheap Kool Aid knockoffs or dip colorful frogs in water. China's early astronaut program collapses as a result.
  • 908 – The Borg Collective, a hive mind with space travel capabilities and a bad attitude, lands in Borneo. They quickly assimilate the most intelligent life they can find in the world, which are orang utans.
  • 910 – Avicenna injures his big toe in a football game but has no one to turn to for medical help. With experimenting and careful study he becomes a expert physician, self-amputating both legs as a precaution. His attempt to cure a migraine by amputating his head will end in failure, but will prove to be an inspiration to future surgeons.

911-920, the boom years

  • 911 – The Norse settle in what is now France and call themselves Normans. The change is so swift that the phrase, "Norman, is that you?" becomes common. They do not invent 911 as an emergency number.
  • 911 – Death of Louis the Child, King of Germany. If he had lived longer would he had been known as 'Louis the Teenager' and then 'Louis the Twentysomething'?
  • 913 – Pope Lando elected. Besides an unpaid parking fine, no records exist for his papacy. Suggestions that he was an alien and a descendant of Lando Calrissian from Star Wars.
  • 919 – Gunpowder is used in the Battle of Langshan Jiang. Previously, Chinese armies were forced to just shout "BOOM". Rockets that had been saved for the picnic afterwards were ignited accidentally and led to the defeat of the Wu. A nascent NRA was pleased.
  • 920 – A coyote attempts to blow up a roadrunner in the Sonoran Desert of North American using gunpowder taken from Chinese explorers. He places a cask in the path of the roadrunner, gets it alight, and runs off to hide behind a nearby pueblo building. The roadrunner runs past the cask, tipping it and sending it rolling towards the coyote. The cask then explodes, incinerating the coyote and exterminating the remaining members of the Mogollon culture.
  • 920Byzantine admiral Romanus Lecapenus seizes power. His surname is always good for a giggle. 'Lackofpenis' stays afloat in power for the next 24 years except for an incident with hamsters (see below).

921-930, years of movement

  • 922 – Unidentified space aliens land in what is now Canada. Failing to find an open Tim Horton’s, they leave.
Hamster Fun

Hamster with siege wheel used break Byzantium defenses.

  • 925 – After the repeated failure of Muslim forces to capture Byzantium, hamsters decide to give it a go. They breach the defenses in a matter of days. Chewy I assumes the title of Holy Hamster Emperor and changes the city name to Rodentopolis. Chewy dies two days later when he is overfed by a Greek girl called Arianna Stassinopoulos.
  • 927 – The Nile undergoes a superflood, led by a wave estimated at 30 meters (100 ft.) high. Surfing is accidentally invented by Egyptian peasants.
  • 928 – Mount Merapi erupts again bringing devastation to villages on Java. With massive clouds of ash, there is your dark ages right there. Krakatoa wanted to do it first and its pent-up frustrations would later come out in 1883.
  • 929 – Good King Wenceslas looks out on the plains of Stephen and gets a couple of knives in the back for his trouble.

931-940, decade of looking to the Far East

  • 932 – Woodblock printing is further developed in China. While woodgrain patterns were much admired, printers resorted to carving pictures in order to sell books. PlayMonk and specials like The Girls of Shen Zen were early favorites.
  • 936 – Koryeo Dynasty is founded in Korea. Like every royal-led government of the times, they got to where they were by fussing and feuding with the neighbors and continued to do so for many years. Buddha asked, "Can’t we all get along?". And the resounding answer was "Hell, no!!".
  • 937 – Battle of Brunanburh. Anglo-Saxon King Athelstan (brother of King Kazakhstan) defeats an alliance of Scots, Welsh and Vikings. The battle is so famous that a poem is written and a public holiday declared. Fifty years later no one can remember where the battle was fought. Still true today.
  • 939 – Wyverns, the "smalle draggon", go extinct. Too many have been captured and sewn to Welsh flags or tacked onto pub signs.

941-950, decade of the oceans

  • 941 – Fire arrows are invented by the Chinese, quickly followed by the inventions of running away from fire arrows and running while on fire from fire arrows.
  • 944 – Oysters revolt in South America; against whom is a question that puzzles scientists to this day.
  • 945Basque fisherman reach the Grand Banks off North America and find huge quantities of cod. They return with them dried, selling them to Vikings. With no recipes available, the Vikings end up making lutefisk. Angry Norse then take to the sea to hunt down any Basque that they can find, eventually finding North America in the process.
  • 948 – Floating coconuts reach Easter Island where the denizens paint them various colors and hide them. A giant white rabbit visits them from the east, bringing gifts and blessings. Per traditional practice, they barbecue and eat him.
  • 950 – The Maori people arrive in New Zealand after attempting to land in Australia to get on the dole.

951-960, years of music

  • 951Goldfish lay siege to southern Chinese ports but are defeated by a shortage of fish flakes. Meanwhile Siamese Fighting Fish nearby continue to fight each other.
  • 952 – 'Carolus Vatius' born. Name Anglo-Saxonised to 'Charlie Watts'. First member of the Rolling Stones recorded.
  • 954 – In and around the lake, mountains come out of the sky and they stand there.
Big fish

Despite the practice of feeding the elderly to animals, even the fisheries dwindled in the late 900s with the arctic char used for fish and chips giving way to cod and later, mystery fish.

  • 955 – Otto the Great defeats the Magyars. The Gabor sisters would then look further west to make conquests.
  • 956 – Saint Dunstan goes into Exile, first as second guitar and then later as bass.
  • 960 – The Sung dynasty is founded in China, deposing the Unsung dynasty.

961-970, a decade of impatience

  • 961 – Despite the proliferation of fish & chips shops and Indian takeaway/takeout, many large animals become extinct in England including bears and basilisks due to hunting. Wolves are replaced by real estate agents.
  • 962 – Holy Roman Empire restored. King of Otto of Germany crowned emperor by Pope John XII in Rome. John has to interrupt his back-to-back orgies to carry out the 'chore'. Experts warn the new revived empire won't last. It continues until August 1806.
  • 963 – Everyone is now officially off invading somebody else, bar none.
  • 964 – Pope John XII shags himself to death and dies before taking his last communion.
  • 967Penguins march across Antarctica to new feeding grounds without any prompting or narration from Morgan Freeman.
  • 968 – The Toltecs are invented by the Aztecs in what is now Mexico.
  • 969 – The Fatimids conquer Egypt in the name of their own caliphate. This now makes three. There are rival caliphs in Al-Andulas (Spain) and Baghad to dispute this. Offers of a deadly wrestling match to decide are rejected by all aides.
  • 970 – First girlfriend of Bill Wyman noted down. Her name is recorded as Aethel Scavenger.

971-980, the decade of entrepreneurs

  • 972Coptic Christians begin opening shekel stores, where everything sells for a shekel or less.
  • 973 – First recorded boat race at Chester, England. King Edgar's team are victorious against a log paddled by peasants with shovels.
  • 974 - Pope Benedict is deposed and strangled by his successor Pope Boniface. Boniface then skips town to avoid trouble but..like Douglas MacArthur..he will return.
  • 975Scotland invades itself just for the practice. Scones become popular, mostly as ammunition.
  • 977 – After being laid off by Hallmark, Persian poet Ferdowsi begins writing the Shahnameh for one gold coin per couplet. This would usher in a golden age of Persian literature as he was the only person writing anything at the time.
  • 978 – The Chinese release a 1000-volume encyclopedia but hundreds of door-to-door salesman die trying to sell copies carried on their backs. Mongols across the border try to publish and offer what they call an uncyclopedia but are hounded by a bandit clan, the Wikia.
  • 979 – Danish Vikings led by Victor the Borge with cries of "Resistance is futile" invade England. "Come for the loot, stay for the fish and chips".
  • 979 – The Song dynasty is established in China. With a song in their hearts, China decides to invade Tibet and Mongolia.

981-990, the decade of lies

Leif Erikson

Leif Erikson at L'anse aux Meadows Bowlarama.

  • 981 – Erik the Red lands in Greenland which he coincidentally names Greenland. Returning to Iceland, he opens up a storefront, selling property in the new land. Many are fooled by the fake plastic palm trees in the office along with Erik’s Hawaiian shirt and proffered rum drinks with little umbrellas in them.
  • 984 – More papal musical chairs. Pope John XVI imprisoned and poisoned by rival Pope Boniface VII making a comeback (see above). This is the second pope Boniface has had done away with.
  • 985Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones is born.
  • 985 – Pope Boniface is dies suddenly. His supporters skin the corpse and create a pair of leather trousers to remember 'good ol' Bonny'.
  • 986 – Fake treaties are signed everywhere so that all parties involved can return home and get more ammunition.
  • 987 – King Louis V of France dies when he is knocked off his horse when he ignores the warning Arrêt! on a low slung bridge. Louis dies for a lack of Asprin.
  • 988 – King Hugh Capet of France gets his first order of carpets from a dyslexic king of Bulgaria. This resulted in the first eye roll with an audible click recorded in Western history.
  • 988 – Grand Prince Vladimir of Kiev becomes a Christian after he is promised a hot Greek from Constantinople. Vladimir celebrates by getting drunk and wakes up a year later.
  • 989 – Birth of Mick Jagger recorded in the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle.

991-1000, the Y1K preparation decade

BattleOfMaldon1

The losing side got to wear their customised metal knitwear

  • 991 – Battle of Maldon, Essex. The Vikings beat and fillet an army of defending Anglo-Saxons. The losers write a long winded poem and comedy sketch (by Bishop Montus of Piethorn) to commemorate their mangling.
  • 992 – Boleslaw I succeeds his father Coleslaw as Duke of Poland. He is called 'Boleslaw the Brave' for killing a large spider in his bathroom.
  • 993 – Carbon dating suggests this was bad year for weather. A solar storm covers the planet in a light show that persuades people that 'it's all about to end' and Jesus is coming back.
  • 994 – Vikings attack London under Olaf Tryggvason.They refuse to leave and take their Nordic humour with them unless they get the weight of five elephants in gold. Since no one knows how much an elephant weighs, James Corden steps up and sits on the scales. The Vikings leave happy and loaded.
  • 995King Kenneth II of Scotland is killed at a party hosted by Fenella Fielding, Queen of the Hammer Horror Goths. He is killed just after receiving the dessert. Her reasons for killing Kenneth remain unexplained but he was her brother.
PopeBruno1

Pope Gregory V..aka..Bruno.

  • 996 – Holy Roman Emperor Otto III threatens Rome with fire unless they make his gay, fashion victim Austrian cousin Bruno Gehard the new Pope. Bruno becomes Pope Gregory V and proceeds to camp it up in the Vatican. This leads to a rebellion in Rome and the enthronement of rival Pope John XVI.
  • 997 – Leif Erikson returns home with stories of fertile and warm lands to the far west across the ocean. Despite the promise that all potential settlers would have to do is slaughter the existing inhabitants, his tales are met with great skepticism. After all, his father was still promising balmy days on deserted tropical beaches. Frustrated, he would return to what is now known as The South, where he would buy a bag of fried chicken and drink himself blind on Budweiser.
  • 998 – In the Battle of the Popes, Gregory beats John. The later has his eyes poked out, his tongue cut off and his ears removed. Pope Gregory says he is a 'generous winner'. Gregory dies later that year after receiving a mosquito bite on his arse. John lingers on until 1013.
  • 999King Æthelred is still unready. The Anglo-Saxon Chronicle writes a stinging editorial chastising the government's lack of post-Millennial planning.

See also