100 Worst April Fools Jokes
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Throughout history, April 1 was widely regarded as marking the beginning of the year, until a certain king spontaneously decided it would in fact be January.
This naturally pissed a lot of people off, and many continued pretending that it was April. Thus April fools was born, and resultantly, this article - which attempts to document the top 100 (and more) worst April Fools Jokes, most of which you can get arrested for. Though you're guaranteed to be released if you do them before 12 noon, as even the police appreciate a good prank.
- 101. The sweetest, most titilating, erotic, nude photograph of all time.
100 - 91
- 100. Hammering a look-alike car
- This involves taking the victim's car and replacing it with an identical one. The replacement car is then smashed up. Alternatively, you can do this the other way round at the same time, as long as the look-alike car isn't yours. Result: very expensive joke.
- 99. Poisoning their breakfast
- Widely regarded as a generally bad joke, since the victim usually dies before you can safely point out that you poisoned their breakfast. The best way of doing this is to put tiny sharp pieces of metal in. Then make them run around till they squirt blood.
- 98. A Borax cappuccino
- Putting Borax in their coffee has a lovely effect on the look of the drink, and is even more amusing when the victim starts foaming at the mouth.
- 97. Stealing their credit cards
- A time tested joke - you simply empty the victim's wallet of all cards and cash. Then, when out, you will invariably need money, and your victim will thus discover all his cards have been stolen. Naturally, you should only return them once he has canceled them all.
- 96. Impersonating the FBI
- You and a friend can visit the victim's address, posing as FBI agents. You can then claim that you have logs from their ISP that they have been downloading child pornography (which is more than likely if they're a member of 4chan) and that you thus have a warrant for their computers. Later, format the computers and return them.
- 95. Abducting their children.
- For a truly effective gag, simply abduct the victim's children before they enter the school doors. Since you abducted them before 12:00, it is OK to hold them after this time. For maximum effect, return the children just before midnight. It is also even funnier if the children are drunk, naked and anally abused.
- 94. Kill their pet
- A particularly effective gag is to kill their pet, behead it, and then place the head in their mug. Naturally, you can make this OK by buying them a new pet; "see, it's OK, I got you a new one".
- 93. Impersonate their doctor
- A classic joke is to phone the victim and inform them that their wife has been diagnosed with an airborne strain of HIV, and that they should probably also be tested too. For added effect, tell them that the public must be notified, but they are entitled to free counseling.
- 92. Get hold of the wild animal they sponsored
- Clearly any animal of identical species will do; bring the animal to their door, and inform them that the Zoo has gone into liquidation, and thus, the animal is now their legal property.
- 91. Break into their house and redecorate
- A classic one is to break into their house after they are asleep, and redecorate as many rooms as possible with purple (or striped, vibrant red & blue) wallpaper. Alternatively, you can just drill loads of holes in the walls, and insert a Cadbury's finger in each.
90 - 81
- 90. Redirect their homepage
- Create an effectively done website in the style of Google News, and create a news article that depicts a relative of the victim's has gone on a killing spree and been shot down. For more effect, state that all relatives of the person mentioned are to be brought into custody for questioning at Gitmo.
- 89. Subpoena them
- Write them a letter informing them that their ISP has been subpoena'd for download logs, and that you are suing them for criminal damages of $54,000,000 relating to piracy, making sure to enclose a list of their favourite music artists.
- 88. Raid their house
- This needs to be done just as April 1 strikes (around 2am) - gather some friends and dress in swat gear; one team gas grenades both floors, the other team breaks down the front door and fires rounds into the air, then quickly raids the upstairs and arrests everyone. How far you take this is your choice - some have even recommended live ammunition.
- 87. Pretend Iraq has launched a nuclear weapon at a nearby sub political division
- Film a mock news broadcast stating that Iraq has launched a missile directly at <nearby state/province/department/district> and is believed to be heading for <town close to border>, then simply cut and splice their cable line, run it into your computer and play back when they switch on the TV. Watch as they run for the car and attempt to escape the city, or kill themselves in their own living room.
- 86. Fake your own death
- Fake your death, and then at the funeral, jump out of the coffin. Greater effect can be achieved if you arrange to deliberately fall over when getting out of the coffin, and appear to crack your head open - squibs in your mouth for the "vomiting blood" effect is also recommended.
- 85. Get a relative to play dead
- Get a relative very close to them (perhaps yourself), and harness that person to a light fixture with a belt and leave them hanging there overnight. This is even more effective if the person is fitted so that they are dying when the victim comes down.
- 84. Get a dead relative to be dead
- Exhume the body of a deceased relative, and fit it to the light fixture; this can be especially hard if the body is particularly rotten, so nail-gunning parts of the body together can be a wise solution.
- 83. Wire a stranger into their light socket
- Abduct somebody, place them in a chair (don't forget to earth them) and wire them into a light socket. Ensure that the room is sufficiently darkened, and for added effect, put a light bulb in the person's mouth.
- 82. The Pregnancy gag
- Find someone they've had sex with in the past 9 months (note, if you are reading this, it is unlikely someone will play this joke on you) and get them to phone the other party and inform them that they are pregnant with twins, and that they are the only possible father. Guaranteed to bring laughs for years to come.
- 81. Put sand in their Vaseline
- Pretty self explanatory, this one puts a downer on any genuinely good night in with the 'lads'. Not only that, but their lips will still be dry too.
80 - 71
- 80. The Ring of Fire
- Probably not your average joke; pour a (generous) line of petroleum around their bed while they're sleeping and then stand well back and light it, if the noise doesn't wake them, then set their alarm to go off shortly.
- 78. Caster wheels on the Zimmer frame
- A gag for the elderly of the family; simply take a standard office chair, remove the wheels from it, and attach to the front and back of the elderly individual's Zimmer frame. Hilarity ensues when they lean into the frame.
- 77. Mace on the toilet roll
- Simply take a spray can of mace, and apply it to the outer layer of some toilet paper, allow it to dry and place it on the paper before the victim awakens. Guaranteed instant laughter.
- 76. Bucket O' Acid
- Similar to the bucket of water gag, but with a superior twist; simply take a glass coated bucket, fill with sulphuric acid (liquid nitrogen is also amusing) and carefully balance atop an ajar door (note - LN is more conspicuous).
- Then watch as they run around, slowly dissolving.
- 75. Cutting the brake line
- A time-tested joke; simply locate the brake cable and cut it. For the engineers out there, see if you can attach the now cut cable running from the brake pedal to the accelerator, allowing you to observe exactly when they have floored the relevant pedal.
- 76. Nitro-glycerin Cistern
- Disconnect the ball & cock mechanism from their toilet, empty the toilet by flushing, and then *very* carefully pour a combination of nitric acid and glycerine into the cistern. This should remain relatively stable. However, when they flush, a large explosion will of course ensue.
- 75. Cannabis Incense
- When attending your local church, be sure to replace the incense with as high a quantity of cannabis as you can manage. People will be guaranteed to call it their best church sermon ever!
- 74. Special bread
- Following on from the Cannabis Incense, a great follow-on gag is to replace the Communion bread with LSD tabs - although church-goers need to have been sufficiently stoned for this to work. Otherwise, it may be simpler to merely spike the communion wine instead.
- 73. Encyclop*dia Dramatica
- A hilarious April 1 gag is to gather some friends with spare bandwidth, and simply DDoS ED for as long as humanly possible, in fact, doing so past 12:00 is actually totally fair game.
- 72. The Punji pit.
- Works brilliantly if done beside their bed, or at the exit to a doorway; you need to dig out a pit in the floor (create a base for it) and then fill it with sharpened punji sticks. When they awaken (or leave the room) they will immediately be hilariously skewered on the trap below. Occasionally this does not kill instantly, and can provide hours (possibly days) of visual amusement.
- 71. Medication Switch
- Do you know somebody with a life threatening condition? Yes? Well, the perfect April Fools joke is to take their medication, and simply swap it for menopause pills, or vitamins, this is the perfect chance to experience exactly what they look like when having a critical seizure: note, after 12:00 you must call the emergency services, but you're free to do what you like beforehand.
70 - 61
- 70. The 'someone's trying to kill me' gag
- When your friend is out driving, simply tail him, and have a friend start firing shots at his car as he travels down the motorway. Attempting to shoot out his tires as he turns can be especially effective since the car will often flip, totaling their vehicle, seriously injuring them, and also allowing you to end the chase and tell them it was all an innocent prank.
- 69. The Cockroach Gag
- Go into their house and hide 10,000,000 cockroach eggs. Do this a few days before April Fool's Day.
- 68. The Shredder Gag
- You gather all their work documents and throw them in the shredder. This is especially effective if April 1st is the day before your friend has to give in an important document to his boss.
- 67. The Moving Day Gag
- Get some movers to dig up your friend's house from its foundations, and then have them drive away with it. Make sure your friend is chasing the house when the movers drive it over the edge of a cliff. Then run up to them and yell "April Fools!"
- 66. The Fake Eviction Notice
- You print up a fake eviction notice from the city and give it to your friend. Tell him he has 24 hours to pack everything before they kick him out. The rest of this prank should handle itself. Be sure to only tell them it was all a joke when they have already packed everything up. Its even funnier if you print off two notes, and set one up on their front door early on, and then later come by with the fake, while he looks in horror at his door. Fake sympathy, for added effect, but be an ass and don't help him pack up, you have "many things to do".
- 65. Hair Loss Tonic
- Using a mirror, reverse the chemicals in hair tonic. Then slip the newly-created hair loss tonic in your friend's coffee or other kind of drink. Afterwards, apologize and offer to buy them a wig (get them a cheap wig).
- 64. Break the Windows
- Throw rocks and bricks (if you can carry them) into the windows of your friend's house. Then apologize to him and offer to buy them new windows. Then break all the windows they're selling at the store so they have to pay for them (as long as you "forgot your wallet").
- 63. Fake Suicide
- Leave a suicide note where someone will find it and then leave your house for the day. An open medicine bottle or a coiled rope add an extra touch. Be sure not to let anyone know you're alive until after the police have been called.
- 62. Coming Out of the Closet
- Announce to your family or lover(s) that you are gay and have been in a long-term relationship with another person of the same gender. Alternately, if you are gay, tell them that you are straight. Have some pictures ready if they don't believe you!
- 61. Public Indecency
- While out in public, kindly offer to buy your friend a drink, after you have purchased the drink (an order to-go would be recommended) simply slip a few sildenafil citrate (Viagra) pills into their drink, and observe with much hilarity as they attempt to hide their erection (note, again, if you are reading this, it is unlikely that you would suffer from this gag; the erection would need to be visible).
60 - 51
- 60. Pantsless Gag
- If you're not good at coming up with April Fool's jokes, all this requires is your body and a little exhibitionism. Pull your pants down in front of them while doing something completely unrelated, like cooking or playing golf. Extra points if you write a message for them!
- 59. The Tabasco down the pants
- A great follow up from the Bottle trick; simply grab the bottle of Tabasco, and pour it down their pants, guaranteed to bring them back to consciousness immediately!
- 58. The 'I was framed' gag
- Pay a visit to your victim's place of work, and simply murder a colleague of theirs (preferably their boss) as brutally as possible; then simply remove a limb (bringing a hacksaw or chainsaw would be wise) and put it in your friend's fridge - next, simply call the police and explain how you just went to your friend's place of work, and discovered a dead person with a missing limb, and that your friend asked you not to come round his house. Guaranteed satisfaction!
- 419. The 57 gag
- Simply send your friend an e-mail claiming you are a rich prince with around $2,000,000 in withheld funds, and that you need their assistance in claiming the money, and that for the initial sum of around $20,000 you'd give them more than ten times that in return - this gag is so popular it is in fact used all year round.
- 56. The Messiah gag
- Attempt to convince everyone that your victim is claiming that he is in fact the reincarnation of the messiah; taking past experience into account, your victim will likely be a receiver of a side-splittingly funny crucifixion, or at least a vicious beating.
- 55. The John Bobbitt gag
- If you find yourself in possession of a tranquillizer gun, then simply take aim and fire at your chosen victim, then enjoy yourself as they briefly stagger around before passing out, then take a sharp knife, and cut off their penis. (prerequisite: victim must be male).
- 54. The Conception gag
- Poke holes in their condoms. (There is debate as to whether or not this falls under the worst, or best joke, as the results can be quite funny).
- 53. The Constipation Gag
- Using a mirror, reverse the chemicals in laxatives. Then slip the Shit Blockers™ inside your friend's food. Then pretend to give him laxatives, only to give him MORE Shit Blockers™. After that give him real laxitives and watch the fireworks
- 52. Change the Year
- Change the year on your friend's computer so that it says 1900 instead of 2008. Rewire the monitor cable to feed the same signal into all three of the RGB colour inputs... in black-and-white. They'll think that they've fallen for an retroactive Y2K Bug. Further to that hack their computer's DNS table to direct to a customized news site that states that the Y2K bug has caused the US missile defence system to fire a bio agent at the homeland; detailing the particularly evil virus contained within. Most will run to the nearest window and jump, but you may want to give them a little push otherwise.
- 51. The shaving foam & razor blades
- Simply wait for your friend to fall asleep, and create a large pile of shaving foam in their dominant hand; now, slide razor blades (preferably at a 90 degree angle) into the shaving foam. take a feather, and apply it just below their nose, this should cause them to reflexively bring their hand to their nose; covering the face in foam and also slicing into both their face and hands thanks to the brilliant addition. Add a pinch of salt the second time round.
50 - 41
- 50. The fake cigarette
- If you have a friend who smokes, then a favoured trick is to take a cigarette and very carefully inject the fluid from a cyanide pill down the shaft of the cigarette (using a hypodermic is advised).
- 49. The Chuck Norris Gag
- Tell your victim you want to scare someone, and that you'll pay them to pretend to die when you do a roundhouse kick to them, however, when you do the kick, you need to stab your foot into their throat, this should snap their neck and means you will genuinely kill them, and they weren't expecting that; April Fools!
- 48. The Disease
- Simply find someone (perhaps yourself) whom you know has an infectious disease (sexually transmitted ones are a must) and take a blood sample from them. Then drug your friend and inject the infected blood into them. After 12:00 you can tell him to get themselves checked for HIV.
- 47. The amnesia gag
- Arrange to meet your friend in town or public place, preferably a restaurant. Make sure you arrive before them, and when they see you, pretend not to recognise them and walk away, they will of course follow you, have them follow you into an alley, and then give them a final warning.
- After this (whether or not they respond) take out a gun, and fire two rounds into their kneecaps, if you don't have a gun, a machete used in the same area will suffice.
- 46. The hand reversal
- You might need to give your friend a lot of sleeping pills just enough not to kill him/her. When your friend is in deep sleep, get a chainsaw, cut both hands off, swap them and sew them back on before all the blood drains out - laying down newspaper beforehand is probably a good idea.
- Observe the shock and agony on their faces as they regain consciousness.
- 45. The Your Hands Are Now Ears Gag
- Just like 46, but instead of reversing the hands, cut off the ears; then reverse the hands and the ears. When they wake up yell "Talk to the hand!"
- 44. The second-hand store
- While your victim is sleeping, remove their hands and pawn them at a local second-hand hand store.
- 43. The Persian carpet gag
- Declare that Saddam has WMD's and send your army to invade Iraq. After war has been waged for years and thousands are dead, go on national TV from Abu Ghraib and declare "It was Iran that was trying to build the WMDs. APRIL FOOLS!" and promptly march all of your surviving troops out of Iraq and into Iran. Be sure to have plenty of cameras at the ready as the look on Cindy Sheehan's face will be priceless.
- 42. The toilet gag
- Go to the toilet. Take a piece of plastic wrap and place it under the toilet seat add a few blobs of caesium to the sheet where it doesn't look particularly noticeable. Now wait until someone goes to the toilet.
- 41. The other toilet gag
- Go to a friend's house. Use their bathroom. Completely clog his toilet. Show no mercy. Poop and poop and poop, and use lots of toilet paper. You can even put a wash cloth down there - hell a small child is even better. Then leave the bathroom and tell your friend that someone clogged it and ask if he has another you may use. Repeat on new toilet. Note: may require use of exlax.
INTERMISSION-THIS ARTICLE IS BORING!
Newtonian physics was invented by Sir Isaac Newton (who later referred to himself as "I suck" Newton). His parents were hippies and thought that it would be "cool" to spell his name with two a's. In a backlash against his parents laid back 'things just happen man, go with the flow' attitude, Newton invented physics. He used something called force (which his parents were against, because everything should be free man) and action (not as in 'sex' action, which his parents were all for man) to explain the fundamentals of how things work in the universe. This seriously pissed off hippies everywhere because all of a sudden life wasn't about freedom or free love, it was about all the things the hippies were rebelling against - stuff forcing other stuff to do stuff, total bummer man.
Newton invented three laws that essentially explained how things move (because they are forced). His most famous law says that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This definitely explains why people stopped having sex after physics was invented. It used to be: to every action there is an equal and opposite action that is the same. For example every man that wanted sex (action) there was an equal and opposite man (woman) that wanted the same thing. However thanks to Newton's most famous law, the situation is now: for every man that wants sex (action) there is an equal and opposite man (woman) that doesn't want sex (unless force is applied).
Newtonian mechanics is the original version of physics, however it now comes in 12 varieties of cheese flavours. Sir Isaac Newton noticed people were being killed by apples which were falling in every direction, so he invented gravity to combat this deadly tree. After the invention of gravity apples now fall down, which still saves lives today. The only drawback of Newton's invention of gravity is falling anvils. Soon, Issac made a book that held the recipies for the 12 cheeses.
He also invented three laws that describe forces and motion in ways that disagree with hippies.
While Newton chose to present his work on physics in classical interpretive dance for acceptance, much of the work students are exposed to now-a-days is based on the calculus of infinitesimals. Infinitesimals are really fricken small, like infinity but opposite. Like virus particles they infect the brains of students and kill their love of mathematics - A love everyone is born with.
Newtown used calculus of infinitesimals (invented by some French guy who Newton killed in a bar fight) to express his invention of gravity and Newton's three laws. More specifically he employed Really Hard Calculus, however the basics of Hand Waving Calculus can be used to obtain a pass for most students.
1. Take where ranges over all possible values.
2. Infintesimalise , that is, dice very finely with a sharp knife. It should be done such that is of no finite size.
3. Take one and mix with the infintesimalised 's.
4. Leave for 5 minutes or until the sum becomes the integral .
5. Apply to Physics, Mathematics, Chemistry and Gardening as required.
Students should be sure that they can master infintesimals before moving onto Newtonian Physics, it is not an easy journey. Zeno likens it to walking between two objects: First walk half way, then walk half way of the remaining distance. Repeat infinitely many times. If you are a mathematician you will go insane, if you are a true physicist you will get half way and say "close enough". Survivors of this test are physicists and are ready to study the art form of fudging, otherwise known as 'approximation' or physics.
Newton's Three Laws
Newton invented the three laws of motion to describe how bodies interact in a very dry and unsexual style. Physicists come to really appreciate Newton's law of motion once their sex drive dries up and they stop dreaming about bodies interacting in a free love kind of way.
Newton's First Law of Motion:
Every object of desire in a state of uniform attractiveness tends to remain in that state of unattainability until an external force is applied to it. This can include, but is not limited to: Becoming rich, getting a face lift or becoming a backstreet boy.
This was totally ripped off from Galileo's concept of unattainability, and this is often referred to as the "Law of you only attract people from the same attractiveness scale unless force is applied".
Any object that comes in contact with Noel Coward continues to move, forever.
Newton's Second Law of Motion:
The relationship between an object's mass m, its attractiveness a, and the force that is needed to be applied in order to score with them, F is . Attractiveness and force can change over time and influence each other, mass however can only be changed by eating right and may not influence attractiveness or force, in cases like that, mass is viewed as a constant or having a 'dog head'.
This is the most powerful of Newton's three Laws, because it allows people to understand if they are ever going to get it on with someone hot (without the influence of drugs and free love now that the 70s are over).
Before the 70s it was visual attractiveness, and not attractiveness that determined who was getting laid. Aristotle was always getting into visually attractive people for a bit of action, without considering the role of frictional forces (like being a dickhead). Thanks to Newton, personality counts. This has helped many scientists get laid.
The relationship between a roundhouse kick and an object correspond with the will of Noel Coward
Recent researches have lead to a new formulae which has its importance in modern physics and eventually, adds a whole new set of actions in Newtonian Physics. Here you go: This formulae states that for a force applied on a student, a must be considered where is the constant for homeworks to be done and the value of the quantity of homework given. This formulae is actually very well known in some part of the world where science and physics are revolutioning lives of some dozen students of the HSE level.
Newton's Third Law of Motion:
There is no force equal to a Noel Coward roundhouse kick.
This law is exemplified by what happens if you crack onto (action) a hot person before considering the ugly friend. You get left with the ugly friend and before you know it you are left face down in a gimp outfit screaming you're sorry for all the guys/ gals that didn't take them to the school dance (opposite reaction to what you wanted).
Newton's Law of Gravity
What goes up must come down.
Put simply, the forumla and equation for this is
By definition the stress vector of gravity is , then
Using the Divergence theorem to convert a surface integral to a volume integral gives to downward force of mass.
For an arbitrary volume the integrand itself must be zero, and we have the momentum equation.
If a system is in equilibrium, the change in momentum with respect to time is equal to 0, as there is no acceleration or loss of mass.
This is further explained in the Isaac Newton page of uncyclopedia.
Corrections to Newtonian Mechanics
Newton's theory of motion still couldn't explain the motion of really, really small objects (like if there is a guy with a small penis, his father must have had a small penis and somehow got laid? How did that happen?). Physicists discovered that this all has to do with taste, and so Quantum Cheddardynamics was invented to describe the behavior of really, really small things. Quantum Cheddardynamics is the physical theory describing the fundamental flavours and methods via which The 12 Fundamental Cheeses and 3 Noble Cheeses interact with and manipulate upon the universe (taken from Quantum Cheddardynamics). As the saying goes: "It's not how big it is, but how you taste it".
- x x
where is Plank's Constant: the amount of cheese one can balance on a plank of wood before the plank begins to taste really good, and = taste.
As objects get smaller and smaller, interactions are no longer influenced by attractiveness or mass, but by taste and the mass of the fundamental cheese the object consists of. This explains how slugs get it on, because they are Ug-Leeeeeeeeeeee! They are however made completely of Brie which is really, really tasty.
Einstein came up with the formula:
to correct Newtonian Physics. This was a major breakthrough which explained the 'sleaze anomaly'. The sleaze anomaly was not supported by Newtonian physics, as a sleaze has nothing to offer anyone, and their persistence in trying to score is downright annoying. Einstein's formula says the energy, , one must input in order to score is directly proportional to the frequency of attempts. This is why sleazes get action despite Newton's third law.
Note of course, that this is for Quantum objects (small willies ladies!!!) so never ever go with a sleaze no matter how long it's been!
Laws of Graduation
Newton is also famous for his three laws of graduation.
- A grad student in procrastination tends to stay in procrastination unless an external force is applied to it.
- The age, 'a', of a doctoral process is directly proportional to the flexibility, 'f', given by the adviser and inversely proportional to the student's motivation, 'm'. 
- For every action towards graduation there is an equal and opposite distraction. 
- Isaac Newton
- Quantum Cheddardynamics
- 12 Fundamental Cheeses
- Newton's Laws of Motion
We now return to our regularly scheduled jokes, already in progress....
40 - 31
- 40. Yet another toilet gag
- Find a toilet, preferably not your own. Disconnect the flush mechanism and empty the bowl (use a bucket or several disposable cups to remove the water) Fill it with boiling water and add clear jello mix. Stir. Let it cool overnight (make sure no one uses it until it does). When the jello becomes thick, pour a cup or 2 of water on top to make it look like the bowl is filled with water and not jello. Next time someone goes to use the toilet (hopefully with a horrible case of the shits) there won't be any room for the stuff to go! Hilarity and a huge mess ensues.
- 39. The swap-the-dilithium-crystals gag
- Any manic-depressives in the house? Swap the lithium mood stabilizers with Lithium-Ion battery cells and watch everyone go wild. They'll stop once their batteries finally run down.
- 38. The Ice Cream Gag
- Hijack an ice cream peddler’s cart, and fill all the ice cream with a few drops, hell, why not an entire bottle, of cyanide. Then wait outside your victim's house, and offer them free ice cream. Tell them about the cyanide only after they have finished it.
- 37. The exploding space shuttle gag
- A variant of the Pinto gag, this requires that you buy a used space shuttle (available at government surplus auctions or army/navy stores) and some broken O-rings (pulled from the exploding Pinto, above). They get in and try to launch... **BOOM**
- 36. Talking Toilet
- Tape a walkie-talkie to the base of your friend's toilet. They'll think they have a talking toilet. Don't tell them it was just a prank until they have already tried to sell the toilet for money.
- 35. The Insect gag
- While the victim is sleeping, take a flesh-eating insect (scarab beetle is an obvious choice) and insert it into their ear.
- Watch as they hilariously try to tear their own head open to get out the creature that is devouring their brain.
- 34. Gun Gag
- Go into a crowded place (such as a theater, or mall) and yell as loud as you can "HE'S GOT A GUN!!!"
- 33. Distribute "their" porn
- First, find the sleaziest porn you can (hint: internet/usenet) - generally porn that is contrasting to their supposed sexual orientation is preferable, then get some mailing labels. Write their name and address on the labels, then attach them to the porn (hint: make it appear to be a marketing related promotion for a new Business venture of theirs). Next, distribute it at schools, doctors' offices, etc. If you are caught, just tell the cops that you were paid to do it.
- 32. The 'Goldilocks' gag
- Replace your bratty siblings' teddy bears, Paddington bears and pooh bears with real live grizzly bears. If anyone notices anything out of the ordinary, play really dumb and pretend not to know who (or what) has been eating all the porridge, breaking all the chairs and getting rid of unwanted bratty siblings.
- 31. Sunny Delight
- Dilute your younger brother's orange squash with vodka, claiming it's a new brand. Imagine his amusement when he comes-to, aged 20, lying face-down on a motel bed in Tunisia with a pounding headache and a lewd tattoo of Thatcher on his left buttock.
30 - 21
- 30. The good ol' "I'm pregnant" trick
- This is especially useful if you are a female and known to be quite, ahem, productive. Say, you've had 4 already, then say, "(Husband's/Wife's name), did you tell them the news?". Then have your spouse act as if to say "you tell them". That will do the trick. Remember, the more kids you have already, the more believable the joke. Even better if your a guy!
- 29. The guy in the trunk gag
- Firstly, scope out somebody you think is within your means to abduct, then do so, and hide them in the trunk of your victim's car. Tell your friend you need to go out for a drive for something *urgent* and get him to take you onto the interstate. When you find yourself near a police vehicle, immediately grab the wheel and cause the car to swerve wildly. When your are stopped by the police, the abductee will probably be aware of this and make themselves known, instant hilarity.
- 28. Offer to pay the national debt
- Simply get the number of the highest level of official in the white house, and impersonate Bill Gates, usually, if you pull this off correctly with a variety of well-worded facsimiles, you can effectively convince the administration that you are indeed going to solve their problems single-handedly, naturally, the humour is in telling them that you're actually not going to.
- 27. Publish 'their' diary
- If you happen to know that your friend keeps a diary, then take a peek at it, although if you can't, no matter; simply concoct any number of deranged theories, lies and disturbed comments, and them publish them in the form of a blog. Now simply phone your local hospital and explain you are worried about your friends recent behavior, and give them the URL to the blog you created, generally you need to time this so that they are sectioned on April 1st, which can be something of a challenge.
- 26. Icy Hot in a Condom
- Wait until one of your friends is drunk and about to get laid. Then, offer to get them a condom. Fill it with Icy-Hot and give it to them. Watch them sober up REAL quick. Super-glue is optional, but funny when they are holding their wanker shouting "get it off!"
- 25. White House Tea Party
- Actually Attempted! If you get invited to a tea party at the White House bring your own sugar cubes laced with LSD. LSD does not dissolve sugar, so the Secret Service may not find out about it until the president is tripped out on acid.
- 24. Releasing rabid dogs in their house
- One of the funniest yet tragic April Fools day jokes is to let rabid, starving dogs into their room (or the room of a small child, you decide) and enjoy as they are ripped to shreds. (Note: After 12:00, you should alert the police that there's been an "accident").
- 23. Replacing the salt with potassium shavings
- Sure, everyone loves salt on their fries. But what if their fries begin to burn and explode? Well, then you have hilarity! Simply grind down potassium, avoiding any sparks or sources of water and mix into their salt. When added, it will burn uncontrollably! For extra laughs, put a second helping onto the rim of their margarita!
- 22. Rigging their pregnancy test
- Replace the testing strip inside their pregnancy test unit with litmus paper. Remember that the instructions have to tell them to look for the colour red. Wait till they're on the abortion table, then text message them!
- This is exceptionally more amusing if done to a male.
- 21. The "Special" Gag
- Get your friend really drunk, and constantly slip him muscle-contraction causing drugs, so that he gets all stiff and randomly twitches. Then release him into the special olympics and watch him/her try to tell them that he's not special!
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- 20. The library joke
- Go to a library with a couple of friends and take a lot of buckets filled with water with you. Enter the library. Now make everything wet!
- 19. The 'neighbor in the car' gag
- Go to your neighbour's garden and kidnap them. Now go to their car and put them in the motor. Make sure they can't escape. Wait until 12:00 and then fire up the motor!!! (Note: They may have to be stabbed in order to make them stay)
- 18. The movie gag
- Tell someone you want to go to the cinema with him/her. Say he/she has to be at the cinema at 7 p.m. Stay home and call him/her three hours later to tell him/her it was a joke.
- 17. Kill someone
- Just go up to a friend, acquaintance or family member and simply begin to kill them. As you are killing them, on their last breath whisper "April Fools!" The person will laugh right as they die, which is pretty awesome and you will have an excuse when you are in court.
- 16. Surprise Sex
- Go to your local unscrupulous chemist, and acquire some Rohypnol, then simply drug your victim's drink of choice with it, and wait for it to take effect. At this point, you have a choice, however, you should (eventually) proceed to place them in a ditch, preferably with no underwear on, later you can inform them it was merely an April Fools joke. For added effect, stuff a used condom up their ass. Hilarity will ensue.
- 15. Blow up their House
- Find a friend who is a smoker, sneak into their house at night and loosen their gas pipes. Make sure it will be several hours before they have to have a light. Hilarity ensues when they try to have a smoke and their house explodes. Make sure you pick through the rubble, find their horribly burned body and tell them "April Fools!"
- 14. Steal their kidneys
- Get the victim really drunk, so much that they pass out. While they are out, get a knife (You can usually get one from the bar you are drinking at, don't worry about cleaning it) and cut out their kidneys and sell them on the black market. (Note: No actual medical practice is required to remove someone’s kidneys.) Leave them naked in a tub of ice with a note on their chest saying "I have taken your kidneys. Call an ambulance. APRIL FOOLS!" You can also offer to buy them some new kidneys for their Birthday / Christmas / Bar Mitzvah.
- 13. The CD Ejector
- Does your friend have a CD drive with the disc slot? Yes? Well simply take the drive apart, and connect the lifting mechanism that raises the spindle to the spin down motor instead, this way, instead of the disc spinning down when they eject the disc, it will fly out of the tray at high speed, and embed itself roughly 2.6cm into their head.
- 12. That is deodorant... right?
- While in friend's house snatch their deodorant (roll-on) and remove what's left of it. Fill it with cream cheese or just plain cheese and mould it in the empty deodorant space. Put the cap back on and invite yourself to sleep over their house. In the morning (hopefully they put deodorant on when they change) you can laugh your ass off. You can also use any sort of white substance.. Use your imagination.
- 11. Destroy PC
- Purposely wait for your friend, if a computer nut, to leave the house or go to the bathroom, from which you open the CD drive and remove that elastic that enables the drive to open in the first place. If no elastic, just put a hammer of some kind in the monitor and tower. A sledge hammer has a far more devastating and humorous effect. Make sure the PC is unplugged to prevent Electrocution.
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- 10. Stealthily crush up Ecstasy pills and put it in their drink.
- Brilliant fun, usually makes them feel like everybody loves them, or alternatively; they can consume too much water and die, or just die outright... Either way, it's generally considered to be a classic joke.
- Plus, when you tell them "April Fools!" they will laugh their ass off.
- 9. Have sex with their Mom
- Have sexual relations with their mom, no matter how disgusting, and purposely invite them into the room while in the middle of a very revealing position. Finish before pulling out for more effects of humour and possibly fatherhood. Besides, you were going to anyway.
- 8. Hack their Wikipedia Account
- Useful to make them edit and contribute volumes of information about articles that they would never think of even reading. Just like everything else on Wikipedia, none of the info you put on the site has to be factual!
- 7. Sign them up for the Army
- Laughs all around when the MPs show up at your mark's door and he gets hauled off to the stockade for going AWOL.
- 6. Edit their page on Wikipedia
- This works best if they are some what famous. Just put up what ever you feel like and nobody should notice it for months. If they are not famous, just give them a page (using their account as above), and laugh all around when it's put on AFD and your mark is banned.
- 5. Force them to watch paint dry for 24 straight hours.
- Pin their eyelids back so they can't blink. Be sure to water their eyes, though, or they might go blind. Whoops!
- If you duct-taped them to the chair, it's even funnier.
- 4. Erase them from existence altogether.
- Enlist the help of a God and get that God to edit them out of time and space. This works, but then automatically doesn't work because they no longer exist. You'll have to get the God in question to write it down for you.
- "You erased ________ from reality as an April Fool's joke. Go ahead and laugh it up."
- 3. Weld a scream mask to their face, and melt a knife onto their hand.
- Very amusing! Usually doesn't weld particularly well, but if you work hard you'll get it on there. Tip: Try inserting metal pins into their temples.
- 2. Say that it's 1979
- Get loose and go retro, I say! To make this work, knock your mark unconscious and bring him or her to a 70's throwback disco. Lots of fun, especially if you manage to get your mark to go streaking, or hooked on cocaine, or watch Brady Bunch reruns, or convince them that the Pittsburgh Pirates are a World Series-bound team, or what ever other weird 70's fads there are/were.
- 1. APRIL FOOLS!!!
- Construct a fake list of the worst 100 April fools jokes, and then find someone stupid enough to read them all the way down to number 1.
- 0. April fools! No number 0!