# 100 Worst April Fools Jokes

 Fire Danger: CATASTROPHIC (delete)     This page has been tagged as a candidate for deletion during Forest Fire Week and will be huffed after seven days. If you love it, fix it up or move it to your userspace. Just be sure to list the redirect on QVFD.
Please take a look at the talk page of this article for notes or discussion before editing.

Throughout history, April 1 was widely regarded as marking the beginning of the year, until a certain king spontaneously decided it would in fact be January.

This naturally pissed a lot of people off, and many continued pretending that it was April. Thus April fools was born, and resultantly, this article - which attempts to document the top 100 (and more) worst April Fools Jokes, most of which you can get arrested for. Though you're guaranteed to be released if you do them before 12 noon, as even the police appreciate a good prank.

## The List

101. The sweetest, most titilating, erotic, nude photograph of all time.

### 100 - 91

100. Hammering a look-alike car
This involves taking the victim's car and replacing it with an identical one. The replacement car is then smashed up. Alternatively, you can do this the other way round at the same time, as long as the look-alike car isn't yours. Result: very expensive joke.
99. Poisoning their breakfast
Widely regarded as a generally bad joke, since the victim usually dies before you can safely point out that you poisoned their breakfast. The best way of doing this is to put tiny sharp pieces of metal in. Then make them run around till they squirt blood.
98. A Borax cappuccino
Putting Borax in their coffee has a lovely effect on the look of the drink, and is even more amusing when the victim starts foaming at the mouth.
97. Stealing their credit cards
A time tested joke - you simply empty the victim's wallet of all cards and cash. Then, when out, you will invariably need money, and your victim will thus discover all his cards have been stolen. Naturally, you should only return them once he has canceled them all.
96. Impersonating the FBI
You and a friend can visit the victim's address, posing as FBI agents. You can then claim that you have logs from their ISP that they have been downloading child pornography (which is more than likely if they're a member of 4chan) and that you thus have a warrant for their computers. Later, format the computers and return them.
95. Abducting their children.
For a truly effective gag, simply abduct the victim's children before they enter the school doors. Since you abducted them before 12:00, it is OK to hold them after this time. For maximum effect, return the children just before midnight. It is also even funnier if the children are drunk, naked and anally abused.
94. Kill their pet
A particularly effective gag is to kill their pet, behead it, and then place the head in their mug. Naturally, you can make this OK by buying them a new pet; "see, it's OK, I got you a new one".
93. Impersonate their doctor
A classic joke is to phone the victim and inform them that their wife has been diagnosed with an airborne strain of HIV, and that they should probably also be tested too. For added effect, tell them that the public must be notified, but they are entitled to free counseling.
92. Get hold of the wild animal they sponsored
Clearly any animal of identical species will do; bring the animal to their door, and inform them that the Zoo has gone into liquidation, and thus, the animal is now their legal property.
91. Break into their house and redecorate
A classic one is to break into their house after they are asleep, and redecorate as many rooms as possible with purple (or striped, vibrant red & blue) wallpaper. Alternatively, you can just drill loads of holes in the walls, and insert a Cadbury's finger in each.

### 90 - 81

90. Redirect their homepage
Create an effectively done website in the style of Google News, and create a news article that depicts a relative of the victim's has gone on a killing spree and been shot down. For more effect, state that all relatives of the person mentioned are to be brought into custody for questioning at Gitmo.
89. Subpoena them
Write them a letter informing them that their ISP has been subpoena'd for download logs, and that you are suing them for criminal damages of $54,000,000 relating to piracy, making sure to enclose a list of their favourite music artists. 88. Raid their house This needs to be done just as April 1 strikes (around 2am) - gather some friends and dress in swat gear; one team gas grenades both floors, the other team breaks down the front door and fires rounds into the air, then quickly raids the upstairs and arrests everyone. How far you take this is your choice - some have even recommended live ammunition. 87. Pretend Iraq has launched a nuclear weapon at a nearby sub political division Film a mock news broadcast stating that Iraq has launched a missile directly at <nearby state/province/department/district> and is believed to be heading for <town close to border>, then simply cut and splice their cable line, run it into your computer and play back when they switch on the TV. Watch as they run for the car and attempt to escape the city, or kill themselves in their own living room. 86. Fake your own death Fake your death, and then at the funeral, jump out of the coffin. Greater effect can be achieved if you arrange to deliberately fall over when getting out of the coffin, and appear to crack your head open - squibs in your mouth for the "vomiting blood" effect is also recommended. 85. Get a relative to play dead Get a relative very close to them (perhaps yourself), and harness that person to a light fixture with a belt and leave them hanging there overnight. This is even more effective if the person is fitted so that they are dying when the victim comes down. 84. Get a dead relative to be dead Exhume the body of a deceased relative, and fit it to the light fixture; this can be especially hard if the body is particularly rotten, so nail-gunning parts of the body together can be a wise solution. 83. Wire a stranger into their light socket Abduct somebody, place them in a chair (don't forget to earth them) and wire them into a light socket. Ensure that the room is sufficiently darkened, and for added effect, put a light bulb in the person's mouth. 82. The Pregnancy gag Find someone they've had sex with in the past 9 months (note, if you are reading this, it is unlikely someone will play this joke on you) and get them to phone the other party and inform them that they are pregnant with twins, and that they are the only possible father. Guaranteed to bring laughs for years to come. 81. Put sand in their Vaseline Pretty self explanatory, this one puts a downer on any genuinely good night in with the 'lads'. Not only that, but their lips will still be dry too. ### 80 - 71 80. The Ring of Fire Probably not your average joke; pour a (generous) line of petroleum around their bed while they're sleeping and then stand well back and light it, if the noise doesn't wake them, then set their alarm to go off shortly. 78. Caster wheels on the Zimmer frame A gag for the elderly of the family; simply take a standard office chair, remove the wheels from it, and attach to the front and back of the elderly individual's Zimmer frame. Hilarity ensues when they lean into the frame. 77. Mace on the toilet roll Simply take a spray can of mace, and apply it to the outer layer of some toilet paper, allow it to dry and place it on the paper before the victim awakens. Guaranteed instant laughter. 76. Bucket O' Acid Similar to the bucket of water gag, but with a superior twist; simply take a glass coated bucket, fill with sulphuric acid (liquid nitrogen is also amusing) and carefully balance atop an ajar door (note - LN is more conspicuous). Then watch as they run around, slowly dissolving. 75. Cutting the brake line A time-tested joke; simply locate the brake cable and cut it. For the engineers out there, see if you can attach the now cut cable running from the brake pedal to the accelerator, allowing you to observe exactly when they have floored the relevant pedal. 76. Nitro-glycerin Cistern Disconnect the ball & cock mechanism from their toilet, empty the toilet by flushing, and then *very* carefully pour a combination of nitric acid and glycerine into the cistern. This should remain relatively stable. However, when they flush, a large explosion will of course ensue. 75. Cannabis Incense When attending your local church, be sure to replace the incense with as high a quantity of cannabis as you can manage. People will be guaranteed to call it their best church sermon ever! 74. Special bread Following on from the Cannabis Incense, a great follow-on gag is to replace the Communion bread with LSD tabs - although church-goers need to have been sufficiently stoned for this to work. Otherwise, it may be simpler to merely spike the communion wine instead. 73. Encyclop*dia Dramatica A hilarious April 1 gag is to gather some friends with spare bandwidth, and simply DDoS ED for as long as humanly possible, in fact, doing so past 12:00 is actually totally fair game. 72. The Punji pit. Works brilliantly if done beside their bed, or at the exit to a doorway; you need to dig out a pit in the floor (create a base for it) and then fill it with sharpened punji sticks. When they awaken (or leave the room) they will immediately be hilariously skewered on the trap below. Occasionally this does not kill instantly, and can provide hours (possibly days) of visual amusement. 71. Medication Switch Do you know somebody with a life threatening condition? Yes? Well, the perfect April Fools joke is to take their medication, and simply swap it for menopause pills, or vitamins, this is the perfect chance to experience exactly what they look like when having a critical seizure: note, after 12:00 you must call the emergency services, but you're free to do what you like beforehand. ### 70 - 61 70. The 'someone's trying to kill me' gag When your friend is out driving, simply tail him, and have a friend start firing shots at his car as he travels down the motorway. Attempting to shoot out his tires as he turns can be especially effective since the car will often flip, totaling their vehicle, seriously injuring them, and also allowing you to end the chase and tell them it was all an innocent prank. 69. The Cockroach Gag Go into their house and hide 10,000,000 cockroach eggs. Do this a few days before April Fool's Day. 68. The Shredder Gag You gather all their work documents and throw them in the shredder. This is especially effective if April 1st is the day before your friend has to give in an important document to his boss. 67. The Moving Day Gag Get some movers to dig up your friend's house from its foundations, and then have them drive away with it. Make sure your friend is chasing the house when the movers drive it over the edge of a cliff. Then run up to them and yell "April Fools!" 66. The Fake Eviction Notice You print up a fake eviction notice from the city and give it to your friend. Tell him he has 24 hours to pack everything before they kick him out. The rest of this prank should handle itself. Be sure to only tell them it was all a joke when they have already packed everything up. Its even funnier if you print off two notes, and set one up on their front door early on, and then later come by with the fake, while he looks in horror at his door. Fake sympathy, for added effect, but be an ass and don't help him pack up, you have "many things to do". 65. Hair Loss Tonic Using a mirror, reverse the chemicals in hair tonic. Then slip the newly-created hair loss tonic in your friend's coffee or other kind of drink. Afterwards, apologize and offer to buy them a wig (get them a cheap wig). 64. Break the Windows Throw rocks and bricks (if you can carry them) into the windows of your friend's house. Then apologize to him and offer to buy them new windows. Then break all the windows they're selling at the store so they have to pay for them (as long as you "forgot your wallet"). 63. Fake Suicide Leave a suicide note where someone will find it and then leave your house for the day. An open medicine bottle or a coiled rope add an extra touch. Be sure not to let anyone know you're alive until after the police have been called. 62. Coming Out of the Closet Announce to your family or lover(s) that you are gay and have been in a long-term relationship with another person of the same gender. Alternately, if you are gay, tell them that you are straight. Have some pictures ready if they don't believe you! 61. Public Indecency While out in public, kindly offer to buy your friend a drink, after you have purchased the drink (an order to-go would be recommended) simply slip a few sildenafil citrate (Viagra) pills into their drink, and observe with much hilarity as they attempt to hide their erection (note, again, if you are reading this, it is unlikely that you would suffer from this gag; the erection would need to be visible). ### 60 - 51 60. Pantsless Gag If you're not good at coming up with April Fool's jokes, all this requires is your body and a little exhibitionism. Pull your pants down in front of them while doing something completely unrelated, like cooking or playing golf. Extra points if you write a message for them! 59. The Tabasco down the pants A great follow up from the Bottle trick; simply grab the bottle of Tabasco, and pour it down their pants, guaranteed to bring them back to consciousness immediately! 58. The 'I was framed' gag Pay a visit to your victim's place of work, and simply murder a colleague of theirs (preferably their boss) as brutally as possible; then simply remove a limb (bringing a hacksaw or chainsaw would be wise) and put it in your friend's fridge - next, simply call the police and explain how you just went to your friend's place of work, and discovered a dead person with a missing limb, and that your friend asked you not to come round his house. Guaranteed satisfaction! 419. The 57 gag Simply send your friend an e-mail claiming you are a rich prince with around$2,000,000 in withheld funds, and that you need their assistance in claiming the money, and that for the initial sum of around \$20,000 you'd give them more than ten times that in return - this gag is so popular it is in fact used all year round.
56. The Messiah gag
Attempt to convince everyone that your victim is claiming that he is in fact the reincarnation of the messiah; taking past experience into account, your victim will likely be a receiver of a side-splittingly funny crucifixion, or at least a vicious beating.
55. The John Bobbitt gag
If you find yourself in possession of a tranquillizer gun, then simply take aim and fire at your chosen victim, then enjoy yourself as they briefly stagger around before passing out, then take a sharp knife, and cut off their penis. (prerequisite: victim must be male).
54. The Conception gag
Poke holes in their condoms. (There is debate as to whether or not this falls under the worst, or best joke, as the results can be quite funny).
53. The Constipation Gag
Using a mirror, reverse the chemicals in laxatives. Then slip the Shit Blockers™ inside your friend's food. Then pretend to give him laxatives, only to give him MORE Shit Blockers™. After that give him real laxitives and watch the fireworks
52. Change the Year
Change the year on your friend's computer so that it says 1900 instead of 2008. Rewire the monitor cable to feed the same signal into all three of the RGB colour inputs... in black-and-white. They'll think that they've fallen for an retroactive Y2K Bug. Further to that hack their computer's DNS table to direct to a customized news site that states that the Y2K bug has caused the US missile defence system to fire a bio agent at the homeland; detailing the particularly evil virus contained within. Most will run to the nearest window and jump, but you may want to give them a little push otherwise.
51. The shaving foam & razor blades
Simply wait for your friend to fall asleep, and create a large pile of shaving foam in their dominant hand; now, slide razor blades (preferably at a 90 degree angle) into the shaving foam. take a feather, and apply it just below their nose, this should cause them to reflexively bring their hand to their nose; covering the face in foam and also slicing into both their face and hands thanks to the brilliant addition. Add a pinch of salt the second time round.

### 50 - 41

50. The fake cigarette
If you have a friend who smokes, then a favoured trick is to take a cigarette and very carefully inject the fluid from a cyanide pill down the shaft of the cigarette (using a hypodermic is advised).
49. The Chuck Norris Gag
Tell your victim you want to scare someone, and that you'll pay them to pretend to die when you do a roundhouse kick to them, however, when you do the kick, you need to stab your foot into their throat, this should snap their neck and means you will genuinely kill them, and they weren't expecting that; April Fools!
48. The Disease
Simply find someone (perhaps yourself) whom you know has an infectious disease (sexually transmitted ones are a must) and take a blood sample from them. Then drug your friend and inject the infected blood into them. After 12:00 you can tell him to get themselves checked for HIV.
47. The amnesia gag
Arrange to meet your friend in town or public place, preferably a restaurant. Make sure you arrive before them, and when they see you, pretend not to recognise them and walk away, they will of course follow you, have them follow you into an alley, and then give them a final warning.
After this (whether or not they respond) take out a gun, and fire two rounds into their kneecaps, if you don't have a gun, a machete used in the same area will suffice.
46. The hand reversal
You might need to give your friend a lot of sleeping pills just enough not to kill him/her. When your friend is in deep sleep, get a chainsaw, cut both hands off, swap them and sew them back on before all the blood drains out - laying down newspaper beforehand is probably a good idea.
Observe the shock and agony on their faces as they regain consciousness.
45. The Your Hands Are Now Ears Gag
Just like 46, but instead of reversing the hands, cut off the ears; then reverse the hands and the ears. When they wake up yell "Talk to the hand!"
44. The second-hand store
While your victim is sleeping, remove their hands and pawn them at a local second-hand hand store.
43. The Persian carpet gag
Declare that Saddam has WMD's and send your army to invade Iraq. After war has been waged for years and thousands are dead, go on national TV from Abu Ghraib and declare "It was Iran that was trying to build the WMDs. APRIL FOOLS!" and promptly march all of your surviving troops out of Iraq and into Iran. Be sure to have plenty of cameras at the ready as the look on Cindy Sheehan's face will be priceless.
42. The toilet gag
Go to the toilet. Take a piece of plastic wrap and place it under the toilet seat add a few blobs of caesium to the sheet where it doesn't look particularly noticeable. Now wait until someone goes to the toilet.
41. The other toilet gag
Go to a friend's house. Use their bathroom. Completely clog his toilet. Show no mercy. Poop and poop and poop, and use lots of toilet paper. You can even put a wash cloth down there - hell a small child is even better. Then leave the bathroom and tell your friend that someone clogged it and ask if he has another you may use. Repeat on new toilet. Note: may require use of exlax.

 "Beware of Flesh Eating Bovines"Devour their flesh, before they devour yours!
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about 100 Worst April Fools Jokes.

You have two cows is the philosophical truth of the entire world.[1] All categories except Category Nine (How mooriginal) may contain contributions from the Internet as well as Uncyclopedia contributors. Mathematical proof that you have two cows lies in moometric identity:

$Moo\cdot\left(\sin\left(Cow_{A}\right)+\cos\left(Cow_{B}\right)\right)\,\!=2\cdot{Cows}$

This mathematical proof can also be written with the second moometric identity:

$\log_{moo}{\left(Cow_{A}\right)}+\log_{moo}{\left(Cow_{B}\right)}\,\!=\log_{\left(2\,Cow\right)}{\left(Moo\right)}$

Where Moo is the universal moometric constant.

A long-standing tradition of mathematics has been the discovery of new truths pertaining to two-cow ownership. Currently, 45,893 45,894 45,895 45,896 45,897 45,898 45,899 45,900 two-cow truths are known. The complete list are given in the pages following. Nostradamus demonstrated in 1555 that the total number of two-cow truths is infinite.

A related but much more difficult problem is the identification of philosophical truths involving the ownership of three cows. An infinite number of these is also expected to exist, although this is unproven. To date, very few three-cow truths are known to exist, all of which have yet to be proven. In coming years this problem is expected to become much more important, as Microsoft has announced that the next version of Windows will require users to have three cows, or, alternatively, two overmilked ones. Linux however only needs a pint of milk, but you need to deliver the milk through the command prompt with the use of four pipes, an awk and a sed.

1. Except Soviet Russia. In Soviet Russia, two cows have YOU!!

 Uncyclopedia presents: the You have two cows anthology! “It has two cows, yesss, yessss. Thieves! Filthy little, tricksy thieves! They stole it from us.”~ Gollum on You have two cows