∞ BC to 1 BC/Old
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This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.
Represented here are the time periods from ∞ BC to 2 AD.
“I saw it first!”
edit ∞ BC - 13,775,000,002 BC
“Time. It happens.”
- God is born. Happy?
- A giant egg hatches, revealing the universe.
- God gets bored and creates Chuck Norris to entertain him, for he had not thought of the the invention of television back then.
- The unmentioned creation of Bruce Lee and Domo-Kun.
- Chuck Norris and God have a beer.
- Time began to work out of fear of Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris invents the term "Bad-ass" to describe himself.
- Chuck Norris makes "the bird" the "word."
- Chuck Norris is born before his dad.
- Bruce Lee kicks Chuck Norris' ass, but Chuck Norris then decides to get more famous, and was usually mentioned much more than Bruce Lee, even thoug it was Bruce Lee that taught him Kung Fu.
- The world's first fart is made by a tree because Chuck Norris kicked it so hard.
- Oscar Wilde, in collaboration with Domo-Kun, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Ronnie James Dio, Friedrich Nietzsche, User:Shadowfox89, and Cthulhu made Uncyclopedia.
- From ∞ BC, the lifeless brains of Stephen Hawking and Einstein float through the incredibly boring void. Nobody knows why at this point, and generally everybody forgets to ask why later on. (Wouldn't you in a few billion years?)
- The first batch of Twinkies is created by Chuck Norris and his bro God, making Twinkies the oldest junk food in recorded history that can still be eaten to this day.
- At this point in time, life is generally agreed to be incredibly boring, as nothing exists beyond that already mentioned plus a waiting room table with a few-years-old copies of Entertainment Weekly on it. Occasionally a whist of space dust flutters across the void.
- A mysterious blue police call box appears, and a man steps out referring to himself only as The Doctor. Unfortunately, no-one is around, so he turns and runs about in circles for a bit shouting his face off, then vanishes with some noise type stuff. This leads to the eternal question: Doctor Who?
- Gravity is born, but goes unnoticed for many millennia. Feeling left out and depressed, it begins to go on a murderous rampage pulling people off buildings and large cliffs, just trying to be loved. However, the scars of gravity's early life still plague us today.
- The voice of Morgan Freeman was created (not by God) and starts narrating.
- Jonny Bell is born for Chuck Norris.
- Larry King is born at age 78.
- Pokemon are invented by Nikola Tesla.
- Dogs and cats start fighting each other.
- Michael Bay invents the explosion to please Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is so-so on the invention.
edit 13,775,000,001 BC
- Three seconds before the Big Bang, Oscar Wilde arrives on his magical penny-farthing, coming from exactly one second before the end of Time.
- The Great FSM creates the universe.
edit The Beginning of Time
- Wiring work completed.
“Alright, ive completed the universe.”
“LET THERE BE LIGHT!”
- Rock and Roll is born
“LET THERE BE ROCK!!!”
- Bon Scott's declaration of "Let there be rock!!!" gains power and creates Led Zeppelin.
- Jimi Hendrix forms the earth in 3 minutes and 51 seconds, with a 21 minute solo in the middle.
- Master Hand's creation of the Universe, The Big Bang, happens, but sadly only Carmine, Oscar Wilde and Tom Cruise are around to see it. Tom Cruise, newly-jilted by Oscar Wilde, declares it fake!
“It's a Mission Statement!”computer and starts typing in commands
“Time to get started”
- Fifty-two seconds after the Big Bang, David Bowie buds forth from Oscar Wilde and invents the mullet, magic, and the concept of Awesome.
- Fifty-three seconds after the Big Bang, Albert Camus buds forth from Oscar Wilde and begins drinking gin.
- Fifty-four seconds after the Big Bang, Nietzsche buds forth from Oscar Wilde and declares all things to be "absurd" (whatever that means).
- Fifty-four and 1/10 of a second later, Albert Camus tries to get Nietzsche to have a drink of gin with him, resulting in "The Fall" (if you don't get that joke, you suck at philosophy).
- Fifty-four and 2/10 of a second later, Gravity Coyote comes into existence.
- Fifty-five seconds after the Big Bang, Chaos comes into existence.
- Fifty-six seconds after the Big Bang, Morgan Freeman is vomited out by a drunken Nietzsche.
- Fifty-seven seconds after the Big Bang, Chaos farts, thus creating time.
- Fifty-eight seconds after the Big Bang, Chaos scrapes [m superpowers; this being what Wilde always wanted, he quickly invents homosexuals.
- Fifty-nine seconds after the Big Bang, Paris Hilton is birthed from a lump of swirling gases.
- Fifty-nine and a quarter second after the Big Bang, Solomon in a fit of amusement, invents the Bicycle. Also begins to ponder the Future, and how he should be involved.
- Sixty seconds after the Big Bang, Paris Hilton is overheard saying, "That's hawt." (Perhaps she was making an inference that the the plasma and such swirling around at the time was in the billions of degrees... nah...)
- Sixty-two seconds after the Big Bang, the movie "Snakes on a Plane" is finally created.
- Sixty-eight seconds after the Big Bang, the PC game Spore gets delayed until Sixty-Nine seconds after the Big Bang.
- Sixty-Nine seconds after the Big Bang, Duke Nukem forever is announced to be released "sometime soon".
- Seventy seconds after the Big Bang, God rushes in, breathlessly asking, "Am I late?" There is awkward silence for millennia. Solomon coughs.
- Seventy-one seconds after the Big Bang, God made a buttload of angels. the most beautiful one was Lucifer.f. God instantly Damned Lucifer and he became the second most ugly fuck in existence at the time. The most ugly being your mom
- Seventy-three seconds after the Big Bang, Lucifer started plotting the downfall of all, Lady Gaga.
- Ninety-Two seconds after the Big Bang, Your Mom got laid for the 2nd time already.
“And there was much rejoicing.”
edit 10,000,000,000 BC
- Alfonso Cuarón appears; he quickly invents art house filmmaking.
- The Bigger Bang occurs, but is generally criticised as being a ploy, and inferior to the original.
- The first McDonald's is opened.
“This is hard work you guys...Time for a break!”
- Boo Radley is born as an egg.
- Hugh Hefner and Wilt Chamberlain invent women
- World War -IV begins.
- Paris Hilton admits she's a lesbian.
- Dogs win the war against cats, becoming the dominant pet.
- World War -IV ends as a draw. Morals are learned, then promptly forgotten.
- Physics decides that it should really start laying down some laws 'n shit. Thus, the four fundamental forces are born, and remain pretty much unchanged to this day. (Weak force was nerfed a bit when discovered it continually kicked the shit out of the strong force.).
edit 9,999,999,999 BC
- First recorded evidence of Tweed, brought to trial, later acquitted.
- June 27 - Oscar Wilde experiences the wup on 8 January 1935.
- The first poem is written, on a macbook.
edit 9,999,999,998 BC
- Morgan Freeman invents the basket.
- Extreme Underwater Basket Weaving is invented.
- Solomon pauses to look over the events so far. He then remarks at saying:
“Heh, this is only the beginning”
edit 9,199,700,100 BC
- God invents neutron stars. Describes them as "fucking trippy" and moves them far away from where the Earth is.
- Being bored, Denica Fairman invents the first sketches of anime
- Oscar Wilde Jr is born.
edit 7,000,000,000 BC
- The mousetrap first appears in fossil records.
- Elmo is born, as the "tickle" has yet to be invented, he is known only as Elmo.
- Contrary to popular belief, 7 billion B.C. does not exist. It was mandated by the United States Government in 1856 by the 7,000,000,000 B.C. exists act.
- Solomon thinks about how a government will be needed to be regulated and maintained to keep Humanity in order. He then rests.
- John Petrucci challenges Chuck Norris to a guitar duel. This becomes known as the Guitar Duel of 7,000,000,000 B.C.
edit 6,000,000,000 BC
- Alfonso Cuarón carves Steve Kloves from a block of wood and gives him life.
- Sex was invented by the French at this time
- David Tennant dies and regenerates into David Tennant. Millions shoot their television sets.
- Emanuel Jesus Fernando Gonzalez the 3rd dies and leave his Jesus Stick to his son, Emanuel Jesus Fernando Gonzalez the 2nd.
- The guitar duel is still going on, Joe Satriani is spawned from John Petrucci's 380,921st insane tap solo.
- Although, Nobody has sex with the French, cause they're dirty.
- Solomon ,still asleep, dreams of the Earth, and of the war-torn future of Mankind. He at first puts it down to too much cheese. Later, he isn't so sure. Oh, and Solomon invents cheese.
edit 4,550,000,000 BC
- Earth is constructed some 10,000 years before it is due to be built, by the planet builders of Magrathea, in exchange for advance payment by the mice. Now in its infancy, it teethes mountains and vomits life. The actual building process is done by rock group Led Zeppelin. First, John Bonham created the rock and soil of the earth and designed the hills and mountains. Then, John Paul Jones filled the oceans and lakes with water. Robert Plant created breathable air for humans. Finally, Jimmy Page invented fire, so that early humans could use their lighters at rock concerts.
- Animals are created by Chaos' boredom. Plans for world domination begin.
- Petunia the Skunk is born.
- Cuddles, the yellow rabbit guy is born and rapes Petunia for the first time.
- Ann Coulter emerges, angry and seething, from the Earth's core.
- Dick Clark is spawned from the hellfire.
- Pokemon becomes a popular phenomenon with all the microbacteria.
- The first Ghost is born.
- Oscar Wilde gives a talk explaining the things that can't be explained.
- Solomon observes the creation of Earth ,and, while observing Led Zeppelin, later puts his nightmares down to cheese.
- Jesus was thought to be seen but was merely a white stain on the country to be known as Greenland.
- People found it strange that events were only taking place during years ending in ,000.
edit 4,499,999,999 BC
- Marujita Diaz was born
- The Misfits are formed
- Billy Mays comes back from the dead and reinvents ZorBeez.
- Mike Newell is created by Dr. Frankenstein.
- Elmo "tickles" himself and immediately invites others to "tickle me".
- Marijuana is invented.
- Belgians invent britpop.
- Japanese people try to conquer the world by creating the Italian plumber and crappy animations.
- In response to these acts, Solomon creates the Sunglasses.
edit 4,499,999,998 BC
- Marijuana is given the nickname "banana".
edit 4,499,999,997 BC
- End of the Cretacious period (House Remix)
- Oscar Wilde abuses anime, thus creating Hentai
- Beginning of the Facetious period
- Emo kids start covering one eye with their emo hair.
- Marijuana's nickname is revised to "pot".
- Yo Mamma is born.
- Solomon ponders on a important question:
“To Emo, or not to Emo?”
edit 4,499,999,996 BC
- End of the Facetious period (Done by Aphex Twin; making no musical sense, and causing fear in the universe. Thus the story of satin is born)
- People discover themselves
- The Great Pokemon Plague envelops the Earth. 300,000 to 1,000,000,000 people die as a result.
- Pikachu becomes king of earth ( except the american south, under Elemental Council rule). He begins a 10-year reign of terror full of cuddliness attacks. Good thing animals don't live much longer then 10 years!
- Shocked by the Great Pokemon Plague, Solomon works on creating a Vaccine, using parts such as Rubber and Testosterone.
edit 4,499,999,994 BC
- Facetious period regroups for one last world tour.
- Diablo destroys Tristram and is therefore sealed away in a soulstone.
- Start of Prehistrionic era. Broadway musicals still a long way away.
- Tom Cruise invents the Cruise, after himself. People are dazed and confused.
- Seeing the creation of Women, Solomon thinks how they will shape the future. Then promptly falls asleep again.
- Michael fights Pikachu in the "Great Lightning Duel"
edit 2,000,000,000 BC
- The Magrathea peoples invent the remainder of the planets in the solar system at the request of the United Federation of Planets who are kinda bored at ruling just one planet.
- Ultra Jesus debuts in planet show Zula! (later called Zula Patrol)
- Due to the completion of the planets Gustav Holst writes his 'Planets' orchestral suite.
- Big Show (Paul Wight) invents snail bodybuilding. And makes WWE (World's Worm Eaters) with Denica Fairman.
- Just to piss Holst off, the Magratheans invent another planet, called Pluto. This instigated the Holst v Magrathea war.
- The Sandwich Islands are created out of the remains of John Prescott's lunchbox.
- After 5 billion years, John Petrucci is declared the winner of the Guitar Duel of 7,000,000,000 B.C., becoming the only person to beat Chuck Norris at anything. Chuck Norris becomes so enraged by this, that he shoots fire from his eyeballs, thus creating the sun.
edit 230,000,000 BC
- Elementals are made dormant until 2008 AD.
edit 65,000,001 BC
- Peter Griffin of Quahog explores masturbation on New Year's Eve.
- Solomon plays Chaos at Chess on the Moon . Soon after, they invent Battleships in a fit of bordem.
- The Zerg and Protoss Declare war on each other.
edit 65,000,000 BC
- The dinosaurs die because Peter Griffin "touched himself at night", all except for Oprah and Barney that is.
- All life forms see the same subliminal vision that gives all genies a epelictic seizure.
- Diablo is ressurected thus created Diablo2.
- Maphack is invented. Diablo2 banns everyone from the realms.
- Lavos impacts earth and buries itself deep in the core.this angered some mute kid named chrono who time traveled back to this time to pwnz all da dinosaurs. after completing this task, lavos does it for him, making him very emo
- Elmo gets his drivers license, but accidentally misspells his name as "Emo." Because he was in Uganda at the time, and in Uganda it is a law that anybody whose license says something on it (even if it is incorrect) must be so, Elmo become an Emo. He soon kills himself, inciting great rejoicing.
- A time traveler from the future accidentally steps on a butterfly. 65,002,005 years later, this causes a hurricane which pretty much pwns New Orleans. Solomon observes the Time Traveller with a great intrigue. He is also found later to be planning his own schematic for such a machine. This later disappears.
- Simultaneous nuclear weapons from 2023 explode.
edit 24,000,000 BC
- The first humans appear on Earth, and then proceed to invent a religion that denies their existance. They immediately disappear in a poof of logic.
- Bill Gates invents Windows and is named as the Anti-Muhammed by all Muslims. His rain of error-related terror goes on for many thousands of more years.
edit 6,500,000 BC
- Chris Columbus is created from a lump of mud.
- Marguerite Perrin, the mighty harlot warrior, marries Yaacov Schmœnkæl. In that time, the males took on the females' family names because the women during that period were really strong and dikey. Marguerite and Yaacov Perrin later go on to become the royal family of Iacocca Village and force its citizens to perform various sex acts for their viewing pleasure; she pays them 2 fangs and 1 horn an hour.
- Solomon feels the World starting to spiral out of control. He also feels he may not be here for much longer.
- People begin to wonder why stuff only ever happens on nice even numbered years.
edit 1,000,000 BC
- A boring year all around.
- Neither John Wayne, Yoko Ono or Tara Reid are born yet.
- Yoko Ono is born and is sentenced to painful death the next year for being an asian faggot. She promises that "she'll be back!"
- Solomon considers Racism and searches for a meaning to it. He finds none.
edit 90,210 BC
- The Secret Order of the Scientologists is founded, and they begin their megalomaniacal scheme to lollerape people of their hard earned money with roflhipnol, oh and some shit about some alien messiah-"prophet" dude who will one day come and save the world on a boat filled with pre-pubescent children. Solomon on observing the creation of the Order of Scientology, warns people to "keep an eye" on them, due to their maniacal nature.
- The Secret Order of the Jews is founded, but is quickly disbanded by the Scientologists.
- Jackie Chan is born.
- Asian people are found to have natural small wangs
- The popular LA zip code is invented by a time traveler from the future, which isn't really implemented until about 92,000 years later.
edit 50,000 BC
- Shishka, an early Biblical figure, is born in a cave.
- Shishka marries Bob. They have a child named Shishka-Bob whom they later skewer and eat.
- First "band page" appears on MySpace.
- First person gets slapped for making awful puns, (see shishka-bob).
“Shiska-bob... Been here since the beginning, and that's STILL the worst so far...”
edit 25,000 BC
- The estimated time of when the Earth was flattened. (Sauce is added, followed by cheese and pepperoni. Pizza is spun around by Chaos dressed in a cheezy chef suit. Earth is stuck in a non-pre-heated oven to bake at 450 degrees. It takes a while to warm up..... There is no global warming, it's just Chaos' oven, really!)
- First "band page" on MySpace finally finishes loading.
- Albert Einstein accidentally invents the Librarian, but soon after banishes it to the world of Runescape.
- With the creation of the Librarian , and the Flat Earth event, Solomon can feel his life dwindiling. He begins to research the Earth itself, as well as leave plans for a select few people...
edit 17,856 BC
- David Yates is crapped out by Alfonso Cuarón.
- Solomon wonders the purpose of the N00b, as well as beginning to think of his demise...
edit 16,331 BC
- The alternate 4004 BC
- Solomon mulls over Alternate Universe's/Timelines. He researches on how to breach these walls between Universe's.
- Redskins invent Lysol because Oscar Wilde won't sell them Marijuana for animal pelts. Oscar Wilde's car is stolen.
edit 12,000 BC
- Apparently there was a floating land around this time which was full of magic and weird magic-technology. Life was good, except for anyone not special enough to hang out in the flying land. Everyone else lived under a goddamn floating rock on a fucking chain. But they did not mind their shitty life, for it was all they knew. At least, not untill some mute kid and his weird-ass friends showed up through some time flux. Those assholes woke up some evil space demon thing living in the center of the world, which proceeded to blow the fuck out of the flying island, and then destroyed most of the land. What a dick, huh?
edit 10,000 BC
- Not to be confused with the highly anticipated sequel to 300, "10,000", which is a currently popular movie due to popular culture's appreciation for historically accurate films with little action. Similar films include 300, Braveheart and X Men.
- The great Chilliwack stench begins.
- Jonny Bell dies
- Primitive cave people (no iPods!) ride dinosaurs to Atlantis and show them the recipe for the Big Mac
edit 8999 BC
- January 1: NO! IT'S UNDER 9000! NOOOOOO! We missed it by one day! We're going to have to wait another 18,000 years now!
edit 1066 BC
- William the conquerer says that there's nothing wrong with a little "hey-hey"
- William the conquerer gets hammered and shortly after is raped.
- Solomon sense's something not quite right, as he is shocked at the Temporal Disruption of having the year 1066 transported to the point he is living in.
- The raped William returns the year in shame.
edit 6,666 BC
- AC/DC is blamed for inventing Satan by people who don't like rock music. Satan decides to invent evil. He is disappointed to learn that evil already exists, and invents codecs out of spite.
- Solomon chastise's AC/DC on the creation of Satan arguing:
“Haven't we got just a bit much to deal with already with out some self styled King of Evil?”
edit 6665 BC
- Santa was Born.
- Solomon wonder's how nothing important can happen in a whole year.
edit 6050 BC
- Bionicle is invented by a mad scientist and a n00b lord. Solomon ponders the ineptitude of a n00b.
- A Swedish chef is killed at a party in a drive-by shooting; nobody cares, partly because Sweden does not even exist yet.
- Jackie Chan uses nunchucks for the first time, with funny results. Sent to hospital hours later.
- Jackie Chan releases a public statement, confirming that most of his body has healed after the nunchuck incident.
edit 6006 BC
- February 15 - YHWH is brought into existence, destroying several pan-dimensional beings. This starts to push Solomon 's doubt in the Universe and Time to the brink.
- A field of rice in China rebels and kills 4 farmers; nobody cares.
- optimus prime becomes a bachelor with bob saget
- bob saget drives a bentley into Optimus primes metal crotch
- Sprite soda is created by black people, out of rain, warm water, and ass.
edit 5783 BC
- Alfonso Cuarón invents the STD.
- Also, anthrax, the flu, scarlet fever and typhoid make several appearances throughout this chaotic year where most of the time was spent sick in bed. This was hailed as a major breakthrough as the bed had not yet been invented. Solomon struggles to maintain Vaccine's for these virus's.
- Frank Zappa becomes the Legendary Super Saiyan, and defeats Captain Beefheart, who retreats into the wild.
- Baby Joc turns into Young Joc
- Solomon ponders, if Frank Zappa can become his almighty Super Saiyan self, is their a future for Humanity?
edit 5782 BC
- Satan thinks up George W. Bush one night, but deems him unsuitable for Earth at this time.
- Led Zeppelin first plays "Stairway to Heaven".
- Frank Zappa dances with the stars.
- Solomon a disaster is coming. Due to his age, he is disbelieved by the people of the age. However, he would soon be proven right..
edit 5433 BC
- The word Parsi is invented by Indian long word haters to describe the online forum group Zoroastrianism because the forumites had been acting smug, like they do.
edit 4013 BC
- Mordor win the first ever Football World Cup.
- End of the Third Age in Lord of the Rings chronology.
- Jesus learns to ride the tricycle.
edit 4004 BC
According to James Ussher, Earth was created in 4004 BC by YHWH, and don't you let no soulless, blood-sucking Darwinist tell you differently; you is what you is! -Actually, it was Moses who discovered writing this year on mount Ararat.
- young joc proceeds to eat his mother.
- October 29th - On this day, YHWH decided that he had better things to do than sit on his ass all day playing Tetris on his GameBoy. Unfortunately for Mr. Ussher, YHWH did not invent Earth today (having already been invented). Instead, YHWH began to create a land on Earth for himself and future peoples who would worship him, so his mother would stop nagging him about his divine deitism. (His aunt and uncle were gay at the time, so they had their own problems to work out.) The actual recipe he used was lost but a fragment remains, found several years ago. Different fragments include, "...ir the mayonnaise gentle into the mixture, allowing the oil to sink down and a crust to form on to th...", "...ake at gas mark 12 for si...", and possibly the most enigmatic fragment, "...r base are belong to u...". This process would be observed by the now sombre Solomon , hoping against hope his prophecy wouldn't come true.
- October 30th - Jacob ben Oldeweiss invents Judaism and Betamax™ after getting a vision from YHWH. He packs up his harem and stuff and quickly moves to Israel, where he begins a moneylending practice.
- October 31:Ebay is started and the first item is the southern hemisphere which is sold to George Washington.
- October 32nd - Human-DOS is released.
- Saddam Hussain bombs Russia.
edit 4000 BC
- c. April 1: didn't occur until 1926(the most random year in the history of the world.)
- c. April 11: Jing-Long Xiao, royal grand wizard of the Chinese Ping Dynasty, develops a circular object that can be used on barrows to cart formerly dragged objects to and fro. He calls it the 'Xiaonu', or 'Happy Slave'.
- c. April 11: Sumerian wunderkind inventor Sumharrammhu develops a circular object that revolves on an axle that he incorporates into a game he calls 'dumhuhmmalla', or 'circle of fortune'. Contestants are especially pleased by the 'free spin' option.
- c. April 11: Xibulbocoatlican of Tilsibaba (current day Guadalajara, Mexico) creates what is described as his 'square with rounded sides'. His invention immediately finds use in disc brake assemblies for the latest model muscle cars in that ancient land.
- July 17: International patent dispute erupts over the invention of the 'wheel'.
- c. August 20: Square pie with rounded sides is created. Inventor calls it "Happy Pie," but gets entangled in patent dispute and pie is lost for hundreds of years.
- Cucumber 37: The Empire comes into power in A Galaxy Far, Far Away...
- Solomon feels that the scientist's of his day are far-behind in terms of Multi-Dimensional Travel and proceeds to crete a dimensional breach using the severing of partcal's. His results are unconfirmed.
- During this year, due to experiments conducted by Solomon in his home in what would become Falmouth, a multi dimensional rip, called The Rift is created. This breach is later found to run all the way to Cardiff. Solomon is too old at this point to really do much of anything so he hires The Seeker to seal the Rift using the Stone of Tears created by the exceptionally jolly and wide-eyed moon in the foreign land of Termina.
edit 3777 BC
- Mike Herrington is born.
- Bears are invented, and promptly start foraging for food and spare ammunition.
edit 3200 BC
A year in which intense stupidity occurred.
- Wilford Brimley firstly utters the word "diabeetus".
- Solomon realises that not all Humanity (and Moogledom) is intelligent.
- Chaos, in a rare moment of weakness, invents Hepatitis A to spite Oscar Wilde, who has been luring away all her men. Wilde, of course, doesn't really care.
- At least, not until he gets Hepatitis.
“OW, MY DICK!!!”
edit 3141.5926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751... BC
- Pi was invented by Alfonso Cuarón.
- Gay man dies eating it.
- Solomon sense's that his prophecy may concern the BC/CE transition.
- Stalin is born.
edit 3141 BC
- π is found to be 1000-times smaller than an actual pie, despite the fact that the two cannot be compared (, 314% confidence)
- Alfonso Cuarón and the other couple of idiots then in existence have a retard party with a lampshade; incriminating pictures are taken.
“And there was much rejoicing.”
edit 3142 BC
- The year 3142 BC is told that it is actually supposed to be before 3141 BC, but it doesn't care.
- Solomon arrives in the year 3142 BC. At first thinks it is a defect in his Sol-1 Time Manipulator, his first Time Machine design put into Prototype.
- Man dies of "RTMNOP" (Remembering to much numbers of pi)
Man decides to round up numbers. He turns into a circle. Now he eats cake. Man becomes Cookie Monster.
edit 3059 BC
- January 2 - The duck spoon is invented, cavemen and bears praise alike, no longer burning themselves on porridge. Many ducks flee the timeline.
- May 20 - Due to a duck shortage, the less animate rock spoon is invented by Morgan Freeman. When YHWH kills him and claims responsibility for the invention, many scoff.
- December 31 - The ducks return, to the disappointment of YHWH, who lost his stolen patent to the duck spoon after the rock spoon was made.
- Solomon mourns the death of Morgan Freeman.
edit 2556 BC
- January 18 - Ducks attempt to evade duck spoon wielders by wearing tuxedos. Today these ducks are known as penguins
- January 27 - Wooden spoons are invented, easing the burden of carrying older spoons which were made from various types of rock, including flint.
- April 3 - Never Never Land is annexed by the Macedonian Army led by Donald Duck (aka, Donald the Destroyer, Lord of Angmar, Sovereign of All Gondor)
- July 19 - Completion of the Suez root canal.
- Solomon's health deteriate's as he watchs the war in "Never Never Land".
- December 25 - Uctions are invented
edit 2500 BC
- Many new gods are discovered.
- The inhabitants of caves in Mesopotamia start worshipping clamps, which eventually led to the formation of General Motors, via a tortuous process of masturbation and crotch-rot.
- Solomon aids in the search for new god's under the guise of John Smith.
edit 2460.1 BC
Lés Miserables is written.
edit 2000 BC
- A bear wakes up from his sleep and decides it is too early to get up, so he goes back to his cave.
- March 11 - The birth of Henry Kissinger
- July 20 - The Welsh holiday Window Licking Day is born as Cavemouth Licking Day.
- Zeus invents North Korea.
- North Korea threatens to nuke heaven.
- Zeus retaliates by turning North Korea's leaders into to raving lunatics.
- Solomon wonders if the Gods have taken leave of their sense's after observing the North Korea disaster.
- Fallout -3 happened and confused everbody
- The FSM revives Morgan Freeman
edit 1932 BC
- July 15 - To the amazement of all, Henry Kissinger secures a date with three hot Babylonian girls at the same time.
- August 21 - Henry Kissinger breaks it off with the three Babylonian girls and begins dating the Queen of Sheba.
- October 21 - Pirates are created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster to control global warming.
- November 23 - Mr T is invented: Pity's his first fool.
- December 5 - First Ninja sightings are reported; witnesses killed 0.01 seconds later; shuriken and katana sales quadruple.
edit 1875 BC
- The chicken dance is invented, by an unknown vulture.
“Kill me! Kill me now!!... ”
- Peanut butter and jelly is invented when a strange turn of events caused a truck full of peanuts to colide with a "I can't believe it's not butter" truck and the blood of the drivers were mistaken for strawberry preserves. It tasted so good the English made a holiday to dance and chant a song when it was "Peanut Butter and Jelly Time."
edit 1776 BC
- July 4 - Eventually-Native-But-At-The-Moment-They-Ain't-From-'Round-Here American colonists from all eleven colonies issue a Proclamation of Autonomy to their mother country, Siberia. Paper is accidentally invented in the process of writing the Proclaimation.
- August 2 - The Proclamation of Autonomy arrives in Siberia. Nobody notices the deep historical significance of this moment, as 99.8% of the population has frozen to death.
- August 3 - The remaining .2% of people left alive in Siberia see the Proclamation of Autonomy blowing past them on the icy wind, and they catch it. Finding it inedible, one tribesman is so disgusted by the apparent uselessness of this 'paper' that he wipes it between his buttocks, intending to ceremonially signify his loathing of new inventions. Much to his suprise, the paper is significantly gentler than the handfulls of ice, rocks, and dirt that the Siberians generally used to wipe themselves after defecating. Thrilled, the tribesman runs to tell the rest of his clan the news, and fails to notice the Proclaimation of Autonomy that is still stuck to his foot. They mock him mercilessly. Toilet paper is thus discovered.
- November 1 - Redskins cross the Bering Land bridge and ethnically cleanse North America of the Romulans. They become native americans. North American car theft rates increase 1000%
- December 17 - Enraged by the apparent lack of response from Siberia, the colonists detonate large amounts of explosives at the midway point between 'their' continent and Siberia, ostensibly to signify their displeasure at being ignored. They accidentally destroy the entire land bridge, stranding themselves in their new home.
- December 18 - Protesters arrive and begin picketing the presence of human habitation in the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge.
- December 21 - The dispirited colonists swim back to Siberia, leaving their former homes to be colonized by the protesters. This is the beginning of the Israeli-Palestine conflict.
- December 25 - Moses is chased up a tree by a rabid Santa Claus, thus creating the tradition of getting a Christmas Tree.
- Math is invented by somebody who didn't like people.
edit 1772 BC
- The Hindu holy man Ragsamanath Raliputi receive Divine Light from Brahma. He then provides 17 whales to the starving people of Calcutta, walks on bubbling lava, raises the entire contents of a 33-hectare cemetery from the dead, and turns 1440 cubic meters of Ganges river water into champagne. (OK, Calcutta is the modern name; it was Chandrasekhar back then. But you knew that.)
- The Chinese sage Tsingxao Ri ressurects himself from the dead, demonstrates the 14 manifestations of Perfect Being, preaches a sermon so enlightening that everyone who heard it was instantly united with the Univeral Om, and was seen to levitate into the blue empyrean in a cloud of glory.
- The Inuit shaman Kutuk pounds his walrus-hide medicine drum and with the power of his in'kutik prevents an asteroid from destroying the Earth, eliminats 3 deadly diseases which had previously killed thousands of people yearly, and stops a decade-long drought in Aethiopia.
- The Meso-American priest Alfonso Cuarón closes his eyes, counts to three, and, by the power of "Expecto Patronum!", wipes out an invading force of Olmec warriors, as well as a fleet of Star Destroyers on the edge of the known galaxy.
- 1766 years later, Jesus was born, a mere fart in the bucket by comparison with these forgotten holy men. Fame, how fleeting is thy fickle featherboa. Celebrity is as celebrity does.
- Person X has the crap beat out of him for inventing math and making life more difficult.
“And there was much rejoicing.”
edit 1337 BC
- Oil discovered off the coast of Switzerland by the Microsoft Petro chemical company.
- The Egyptians invade Paraguay after their President told a "Yo Mama Joke" to Tutankhamun.
- Meanwhile, in Australia, the first Whale-human hybrid is born, named "Chloe".
- Germany decides to start World War Two, but then realizes they don't have any automatic weapons. So, they play in traffic instead.
- Pharaoh Tutankhamun declares a jihad on Christlam, and the South.
- Alfonso Cuarón invents 5p34k. This drives thousands of people crazy trying to figure out what the hell others are saying.
- Satan wakes up at 7:00, but decides it's too early and goes back to sleep.
- Salt meets pepper, sugar befriends pepper but salt gets jealous and throws water at sugar, sugar dissolves painfully.
- William Shatner arrives from the future. Invents Canadians.
- Canadians invent Vikings, hoping they will visit Canada in the future and increase awesome
- Sanat Clasu is born.
edit 1333 BC
- Egyptian scientists discover a new cat god, Rawr.
- Man names the skin behind their sack Choat.
- Somewhere, a dog barks. This year sucks.
edit -1017 AC (1017 BC)
- Alfonso Cuarón proclaims the end of Prehistory; nobody cares.
- Vito Antuofermo knocks out Andre the Giant in the first round and becomes king of Israel
edit 1000 BC
- You turn gay
- I turn gay
- We all turn gay
- Ron Goldman develops a liking to chicken nuggets.
“Hi, I'm Ron Goldman. I like chicken nuggets.”
edit 999 BC
- The government of Native America is founded, but is quickly sacked by visiting Viking envoys from Niv Iaerssei. Also, some of the Viking warriors strew big leather sacks full of garbage (hence, sacking) all along the sacred hunting paths, which causes the tribe leader, Chief Iron-Balls, to cry like a fucking baby.
- Microsoft invades mexico, mexican sniper shoots Bill Gates, he dies. Unfortunately he was saved on a backup floppy.
edit 900 BC
- April 21 People learn new stuff.
- August 29 The concept of the toilet is invented.
- People still like the shit on others chests.
- Tea bagging invented.
edit 753 BC
- YHWH accidentally drops his notes on the history of the world, and, while in a rush to get it filed, hurridly shoves the papers back together. We can only assume that nothing ended up out of order...
- May 23 - The entire city of Romula (Rome after 55BC) is built by Romulans and Klingons, with the exception of the Colosseum. It was later added as a tribute to the god Colosseus, patron deity of Colosseum-building. But it still proves the point that Rome (Romula) really was built in a day.
- May 24 - Rome is consecrated by a pagan elder. No, it didn't take a day to finish it.
edit 666 BC
- September 26 - Tom Webster, son of an early follower of Webstianity, is born unto a great bison calf; he immediately explodes upon birth.
- John Wayne Gacy founds Bahai.
- Satan mistakes this year as 666 AD, and, as such, has a failed attempt to eliminate all Jews.
- Arsen and Frank make love and conceive Johnny Messina. The universe pauses to witness this event.
edit 545 BC
Gandalf and Mr. T get in a barfight causing worldwide sterilization
- Johnny Messina gets jealous of Arsen and Frank's love making. Hair grows rapidly on his chest.
edit 540 BC
edit 480 BC
- Three completely smashed Spartans pick a fight with a posse of Persians out behind a bar at Thermopylae and get their asses whipped. This drunken brawl is inflated over time by a bunch of blind guys and later dangerously influences the already warped mindset of comic book demigod Frank Miller.
- Captain Piccard is found to be 1/2 Borg.
edit 468 BC
- 468 BC, April 4 - Hashish is patented by Alfonso Cuarón.
- 468 BC, August 16 - The Unabomber joins CFD (Campaign for Fancy Dresses).
- 468 BC, Carthage and the Covenant join forces to finally put Paris Hilton and OJ Simpson in jail. Thus resulting in the Great Paris Hilton - OJ Simpson War
edit 420 BC
- Amsterdam is formed by massive drugsteroids from outer space.
- Rastafarians start cultivating weed in Jamaica.
- Weed becomes an important part of Roman and Chinese culture.
- YHWH declares the numbers 420 to be associated with Cannabis.
- In Soviet Russia, marijuana smokes You!
- Super Saiyan Frank Zappa smokes Russia.
- Vancouver is created in BC
edit 404 BC
- Year not found.
edit 400 BC
- January - A tribe of super smart native Americans settles in present-day North Carolina, South Carolina to create the Carolina Nation.
- December- Same native Americans invent electricity and found General Electric in present-day Charleston, South Carolina.
edit 399 BC
- Socrates dies drinking hemlock for raping boys crimes against Athens. He was then resurrected 3 days later.
- Socrates vomits up hemlock, chokes on vomit, dies again. Is revived by This Guy. Subsequently hit by bus.
- Maya & Miguel dies. They are later resurrected.
edit 392 BC
- This Guy imports the kilt into Scotland
- Coincidentally, the Scottish get so excited (and hungry), no baby is seen for the next three centuries.
- The first existence of a sperm fountain is recorded in Swaziland. With the recent DNA checks on the sperm, we have established that the people who were involved into this project are: Manfred Mann, some sort of Male Oprah, Alfonso Cuarón, and the Great Penis. Oh, and, of course, Oscar Wilde.
- Satan resurrects Bill Gates, Hundreds commit suicide.
edit 334 BC
- February 4: People around the world suddenly realize it may be first and last 334 BC year that will ever occur. Yes, there will be a 333 BC and there have been a discrete 336 BC, perhaps even a couple of 120 ADs, but hey! that's the only one 334 BC ever! Parties are organized in the whole world and even on the local Egyptian moon colony. Inscriptions to future civilizations stating "WE 334 BC PEOPLE RULE!!!1!!11!" and "HA HA 336 BC PWNED WE ARE THE ONLY ONE 334 BC LOL" preserve this landmark to the posterity. Alexandria is founded to celebrate the event.
- February 6: Humankind begins to wonder what the hell "BC" means, but booze hinders further research on the subject.
- February 11: BC is officially declared to mean "Bewildering Cookies"
- July 3: Alexander the Great pwnz the Persians at the Battle of the Granicus. Persians realize they're after all not that great playing America's Army.
- December 25: Christmas, not recognized as such, puts Santa Claus in great dismay.
- December 26: Following the events in Persia, a nuclear war occurs, but every memory of it is wiped out, leaving only this Uncyclopedia note as a lonely, hidden mark that no one will take seriously. The only side effect to the nuclear war being not the radiation but the bringing about of Spongebob Squarepants. The whole world is pissed.
edit 333 BC
- The 333 BC people declare war on the high-and-mighty 334 BC people. Realizing that they themselves were once 334 BC people too, and that no 334 BC people currently exist, everybody kills themselves, except, sadly, for Jar Jar Binks.
- Everybody is resurrected by Windows 3.5, which subsequently unleashes the first computer virus upon Alfonso Cuarón.
edit 326 BC
- Frank Zappa kills Jar Jar Binks. Super Saiyan form not required.
Unfortunately, he too was saved on a floppy and was reloaded on the server in 1999, just in time for The Phantom Menace.
edit 325 BC
- Alexander The Great kicks everyone's ass and conquers the World.
- This Guy has sex with a rock, that looks a lot like Hitler.
- Lili Ivanova celebrating her 32nd birthday.
- Year 404 found
edit 323 BC
- Native American armed mercenaries from Carolina kidnap Alexander the Great from Asia and send him to Alexandria, Virginia where he is killed by primitive native American not from Carolina.
- Mr. Rogers first puts on a sweater.
- tvs are invented
edit 321 BC
- January 29 - A crew of ten native American explorers of Carolina on one ship depart from present-day Charleston to visit Sparta looking for the sexiest and smartest people to bring back to Carolina.
- While there the explorers are surprised to see that so many men love gay sex, a concept unheard of back in Carolina.
- February 15 - The crew arrives back in present-day Charleston.
- March 1 - The Spartans are taken to present-day Spartanburg, South Carolina.
edit 319 BC
- September 10-Native American scientists of present-day Charlotte, North Carolina successfully test a cure for racism on three Spartans.
edit 318 BC
- April 20 - Another expedition of 30 ships departs from Charleston to the Mediterranean Sea to find more sexy people: 11 (Group 1) ships go north to find more sexy Europeans, 8 (Group 2) Ships go south to find sexy Africans, and 11 (Group 3) ships go west to find sexy Israelis, Persians and Asians to bring back to Carolina.
- June 1 - Group 3 must defend themselves from locals with a new native American technology called a gun when they are in present-day Egypt.
- Tvs are banned after people thinking the sun got closer to earth but it was just God's tv
edit 313 BC
edit 247 BC
- After acquiring a taste for children, Aslan creates Narnia for the express purpose of luring children to their deaths.
edit 201 BC
- Oscar Wilde opens the first haberdashery, in Islington.
- Meanwhile, the Five General Demigods of All Humanity, not more than a swallow's flight away, had come to an accord on something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallows' flights away—four, really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging--
“GET ON WITH IT!!!”
- Oh, anyway. On to 200 BC, which is a smashing year with some lovely happenings, in which the Demigods come to a final accord, and in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling-- oooh!
edit 200 BC
- The Ten General Commandments of All Humanity are ostensibly written on stone ledgers in an ancient, foreign language and buried this year, in a small village just north of present-day London, through the combined efforts of St. Paul, Oscar Wilde, Sidney Trammell, and the firstborn son of Daniel Craig (all known as the Five General Demigods of All Humanity).
- The Great Paris Hilton - OJ Simpson War ends with the two guilty celebs walking free and the Covenant and Carthage empires collapsing into monkey poo.
- Social Class is invented by Philip V of Macedon.
edit 105 BC
- The year that Oprah was born.
- The year that pt:Dercy Gonçalves pretends to be dead for the second time.
- On January 15, the first of the Bush family was born, reportedly out of a fiery hole in the ground in Texas. It would eventually result in the election of George W. Bush several millenia later, causing extreme havoc to everything, everywhere, and every time.
- On April 31, a huge comet struck earth, creating a gigantic hole in the Atlantic Ocean, thus pushing the continents Europe and North America even farther apart.
- The first idea for a free encyclopedia that anyone can edit was conceived. When the creator, Har-Har Woody, tried to recite his idea to others, he was immediately stoned to death. Some stupid indivisuals, however, received the idea, claimed it their own, and created what is Wikipedia today. These indivisuals are still widely criticised today. This is what's known as the Chaos Theory.
- Normal people born in this year are pissed off to learn that they will probably die before Jesus is born.
edit 102 BC
July 5- Native Americans of Carolina, led by Chieftain Gustave Whitehead, invent an airplane.
edit 100 BC
- The Mushroom Kingdom is founded by Princess Peach.
- Chris Chelios and Dominic Hasek are drafted into the NHL.
edit 99 BC
- Most of the events on which the comic strip B.C. are based occur.
- And the same goes for Hagar the Horrible.
edit 92 BC
edit 75 BC
- In this year, the young Julius Caesar plans on taking a trip to Greece by sea. Unfortunately for him, Pastafarians seize control of the vessel he is on in 75 BC (Pastafarian Year 1), kidnap Caesar, and hold him for ransom. Caesar is insulted at the ransom demand, which is disgustingly low, and promises to crucify the crew of the Lasagne after he is set free. At his insistence, Mosey raises the ransom demand to a level in accordance with his station: his friends quickly raise the sum. After his freedom is purchased, he assembles a small army, which captures Mosey, along with a few of his closest friends, and crucifies him. They then dismantle the Lasagne and sell it for scrap. This last event marks the annual beginning of the Pastafarian New Year.
edit 61 BC
- Fed up with how ugly Eve, Virgin Mary, and Tinkerbell are, YHWH creates Elisha Cuthbert as an attempt to create the perfect woman, whether or not he was successful remains to be seen.
“mmmmmm (drool)...... ”
edit 55 BC
- The Romulans rename Romula to Rome for no reason whatsoever
- YHWH attempts to create the duck, marmot, eagle and beaver at the same time, but seriously fucks up, resulting in the platypus.
edit 45 BC
- L. Ron Hubbard, a lesbian pornographer, is kidnapped during a drunken orgy with six of his best friends by the Secret Order of the Scientologists. While in captivity, he develops Stockholm syndrome, becoming increasing infactuated with his captors. Upon release, he begins preaching to the masses what the Order had wanted kept secret. Before they can ritually disembowel him, however, the rich people, finding satisfaction in Hubbard's ideals, appoint him king of Abyssinia; he subsequently deems the Scientologists "heretics" and declares them "fair game". After wiping out the Order in a great, bloody purge, he deems his form of Scientology to be the One True Faith, and soon after leaves his followers behind by setting sail on a rusty dinghy filled with pre-pubescent children.
- Wes Huling hatches a plan to leave his wife Susan for the perfect woman, who he believes to be Elisha Cuthbert at this time.
edit 44 BC
This year unfortunately eaten by aliens.
edit 20 BC
- June 30 - Alfonso Cuarón takes the day off, causing the first Ice Age.
- July 27 - First Ice Age ends.
- July 28 - Alfonso Cuarón is sued by Jack Thompson for causing the Ice Age.
- July 29 - Jack Thompson loses the case and is banished into the future for being such a pussy.
“And there was much rejoicing.”
edit 10 BC
- Nothing. It's fucking 10 B.C.E. Jesus hadn't even been made up yet. Hell, they hadn't even figured out what comes after 1,000 when you're counting.
- God gets drunk at a party and ressurects Satan.
- Johannes Georg Bednorz born.
edit 9 BC
- Jews began to play their dirty schemes on the goyim starting with the Romans.
- Ninjas fight pirates in epic battle, pirates win for the 3rd time that week...
edit 8 BC
- Somewhere in Kentuckia (the book of Mormon version), a sweet 15-year old girl by the name Mary made out with her brother, Billy Ray and the result...the rest is history.
edit 7 BC
- Two people have sex in a kinky position. These are the first clowns. Yeah right, the first clowns.
edit 6 BC
- Jesus is born during Mary's weekly skydive.
edit 5 BC
- 'Virgin' Mary gets knocked up. Gets very BIG, moody, bitchy, eating everything, throwing up, farting, pooping her dress, belching, has to pee badly and other fun things about being a pregnant lady. Also she succeeded to get a new boyfriend, Joseph who's a complete retard to believe "God" impregnated this corner slut.
- This is considered a feat of nature being able to be pregnant a year after the baby is born
edit 4 BC
- Jesus is told that he's supposed to be born in the year 0, because that's when people will think he was born anyway. Jesus decides not to care. The fact that there was never a year 0 causes many to doubt the validity of the whole story.
- Ronald McDonald invents the McNugget, thus inaugurating the Golden Age of Meso-American cuisine.
- The Virgin Mary runs out of toilet paper and is forced to wipe her perfect arse with a platypus.
- Earthquakes strike California, surprising no one and delaying the rise of Scientology by two millennia.
edit 4 BBC
- Provides entertainment for the whole family, with programmes such as The Century of the Self and The Thick idiot.
- Jesus invents the fist pump.
edit 3 BC
- On the 3rd day of the 3rd day of the 3rd year, that Christ was born.
- YouTube is spawned from the bowels of hell, and Satan doesn't even know.
edit 2 BC
- Jesus gets circumcized, his wee-wee gets whacked.
- dogs and cats fight another World war
edit 1 BC
- People start wondering when the first coming of Jesus will occur; the slogan "Salvation is coming, look busy" is invented and t-shirt sales boom. Luckily, "Salvation" and "Jesus" sound identical in the old tongue.
“What did I miss? Oh look Jesus time is 1 year from now! Where did i put that virgin?”
- Mary, after getting adventurous with the platypus toilet paper, ran out once more this time using tissues she found in the trash can. (VIRGIN BIRTH EXPLAINED!)
- Luongo, Jesus's older (younger?) brother is born.
- Rick Astley is "born".
- God makes MySpace to retaliate YouTube, but it's power is OVER NINE THOOOUSSSSAAAAND!
edit April 1st, 1AD
- Atheists deny the existence of Jesus, and thus, God gives them their own holiday (April First).
- Dogs win war against cats, AGAIN.
- Cats demand rematch,and are beaten to a pulp
Jesus jizzed in his pants...