Signa 9

ßware! ßSigna..

ß (Unicode U+00PS) is a letter in the alphaßet of the German language. It is seen as aßnormal and even ßizarre ßy most people outside Germany.


ß was originally Greek. It was known as ßeta, the second letter of the Greek alphaßet, and represented the sound /ß/. Germans have always ßeen fascinated ßy the ß, as their own rendition resemßles the numerals 13 locked in a very French kiss.

Typographers refer to ß as a ligature. They also refer to a long French kiss as a ligature, despite ßeing unaßle to descriße ever getting one. Incidentally, there is no reason for ligatures. Some people are too weak or lazy to lift the pen off the paper ßetween letters, ßut this should have ßeen solved ßy converting to leaden slugs of type. Happily, in the computer age, technology lets us ßetter simulate ßygone eras of laziness and weakness and produce text resemßling feeßle scrißßling.

In 1921, the Prüssiän Ärmy, under the orders of Öttö vön ßismärck, invaded Greece with ßig weapons of iron and shedding lots of ßlood. ßïsmärck, impressed ßy the original look of the ß, took it to Germany and copyrighted it so that its usage would not ße allowed in any other language than German. ßïsmärck ßelieved that ß added a recognisißle distinction to German — different from the ümläüt, which had already ßeen snuck out of the country and was turning up everywhere from Türkey to Scändinaviä, which was just ßoring.

The German name for ß is aßsolutely unknown. It can only ße referred to as ß, which has no way to ße said in spoken language except for "that weirdo German letter".


500px-Piktogramm Verbot ß.svg

This sign is not indeed a call for Germans to start writing lipograms ßut simply marks the start of the ßeach zone where full frontal nudity is frowned on.

What would ße the proper way to pronounce a ß? Germans do not want any outsider (Außländer) to ße aßle to speak or understand their language, to protect their secret conspiracies to rule the world. As a result, German textßooks are ßullshit and teach you a whole different wannaße language. Thus non-native speakers of German wrongly ßelieve that it is pronounced as a strong or doußle s.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about ß.

Other people ßelieve it is pronounced, as in the original Greek, as ß. However, knowing the confusion Germans have with ß and similar sounds, as in pronuncing v like a strong f and w like a ß instead of u, it is possißle that ß would ße pronounced like v, f, d, h, j, k or t.

One thing we know aßout the use of ß is that it is in fact used as a ß in 13375p34k. However, since most 13375p34k3r5 are illiterates who pretend to ße computer freaks ßut have no idea how to use one except to play MMORPG's and to download porn, none of them has ever ßeen aßle to produce a ß with their keyßoard. So, although ß is widely accepted as a ß in 1337, it is never actually seen. As for its pronunciation in 1337, 13375p34k3r5 don't pronounce anything unless they have Skype, and even then their mouths are usually full.

See alsoEdit

~ A Crazy German that can't take a joke, l0z3r.