D

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LetterD

This is the letter D. Isn't this exciting?

The letter D is a grapheme used in the Latin Alphabet. Its claim to fame, if one could call it that, is being the fourth letter of said alphabet. Where related letters A B and C are immortalized in the ubiquitous "Alphabet Song," the only song D is featured in is the subpar "Take it Off" by The Donnas. As such, it is often woefully ignored in the annals of history. At various times called "the retarded twin of 'O'" or "'I' with a giant goiter," D itself has a long and fascinating history. From its original conception as a placeholder to its current place of prestige as the 12th most used letter in the English alphabet, the debauchery encountered by this letter has been unparalleled by all except Q.

History

The first known presence of a symbol similar to "D" was in the hieroglyphics of Egyptian pharaoh Tutankhamen's tomb. This is thought to be a joke at the expense of the late ruler, as it is inferred that the glyph (
O31
) translates roughly to "dumbass." Oddly enough, this symbol was not found on the Rosetta Stone, and was instead translated by an explicit cave drawing found near the original writing. It was later discovered by God as to be the perfect shape for those ruddy mobile phone chargers that you can't find at the right moment. Meddling kids.
LetterD2

This is also the letter D, except different! Hooray!

Through the passage of time, the Jews stole the letter from the Egyptians while looting the pyramids for money. The Semites took it to the Mediterranean coast, where for thousands of years it fermented in its inappropriateness. Somehow, it managed to evolve into a symbol for "fish." No one quite understands how this happened, which most agree is an anomaly the likes of which no one has seen since.[1]

After a while, the Semites wised up and stopped using such archaic symbolism for written communication. When they invented the Phoenician alphabet[2], they decided to change the symbol for D yet again. The new grapheme, a triangle shaped triangle, was used for thousands of years in the alphabet before it was changed.

However, the Etruscans soon decided to pervert it to their end. The geometric simplicity was replaced with an ugly symbol, which by today's standards would be considered a backwards D. Referred to by historians as "a retarded version of Pi," it was at this time that D gained its reputation of mediocrity. This was further cemented by the fact that the letter D was never used in the Etruscan alphabet and was only kept because the linguists were pack-rats.

Apparently, however, the Greeks never got the memo, because when they brutally ran down the Etruscans, they reverted back to the old Jewish way. Some say this was the metaphorical inspiration for Kaballah, but they are largely ignored as clinically insane. Mental stability of conspiracy theorists notwithstanding, the Greek triangle, called the Delta, lives on to this day in mathematics. However, in the alphabet, the Romans beat them yet again. They decided to hark back to the Etruscans, and in a startling turn of dyslexia, turned that D backwards. This resulted in what we currently know as the letter D.

An Existence of Mediocrity

LetterD3

There's something original about this picture of D. There certainly is.

D, the "middle child" of the alphabet, has led a largely uninteresting life in its current form. While its history is long and illustrious, even serious believers in the greatness of D must admit that despite the rollicking ride it has taken, D is rather boring now. Even the Greeks got sick of hearing the sound D makes and changed their letter Delta to a TH sound. Due perhaps to a lack of originality or perhaps due to some other second thing, it is now largely ignored in favor of such letters as E or W, both being cited as more interesting.

Warnddd

Look out!

This, of course, is untrue. Certainly, its current form has remained rather static for millennia, and its aforementioned indifference within the English language is an unavoidable fact, but this does not mean it hasn't got its perks. For example, on the Internet, "D" is the most popular letter of the alphabet among pubescent teens and their socially stunted twenty-something counterparts.

But this seemingly desperate attempt at garnering D some notoriety is not all there is on this exciting character. Unfortunately, all evidence of these supposed facts has been lost in the sands of time. Rest assured, however, that world-renowned alphabetologists have for many years been assuring the public that this evidence does exist[3].

However, unfortunately for poor letter D, alphabetology isn't a real science. This makes all claims by these people erroneous and wrong, and should indeed lead to their excommunication. Which, of course, leaves the letter D where it started; a synonym for dumbass. Sadly, nothing could be closer to the truth.

Footnotes

  1. Emerging research suggests that it was because the Jews thought only dumbasses liked fish.
  2. Most assume that this was a vain attempt to sell something.
  3. "World renowned alphabetologists." No, don't hide it. Confusion is a natural reaction.

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