From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about ¦.

If you have reached this page it is probably because of one or more of the following reasons:

  • You were bored and followed a link from another.
  • You were banned for writing unfunny articles and sent here as your eternal Uncyclopedic damnation.
  • You figured out what the right Alt key does that the left one doesn't do! Great Job!! Do you want a medal?
  • You didn't find out the above and instead were one of Microsoft's loyal minions (you used Ctrl + Alt + ¦ didn't you?!)
  • Or you hit ALT + X.... don't know what it does? Give it a shot....if you think your hard enough! 'GGRRRRRR'

edit ¦ What is it?

The ¦ (known as the Pipe or Broken Bar) was originally used in Unix systems as a means of inter-process communication (whatever that is!). Like most computer non-experts, Microsoft did not know what the real purpose of this symbol was. However, unlike most computer non-experts (any of whom possess even an ounce of sense), Microsoft thought that the ¦ looked like two bullets, one fired shortly after the other. That gave them the clever idea to nick this symbol from the notably more stable Unix operating system, thinking that if they did that all of their crashing and freezing troubles could be solved with a simple press of this button.

Unfortunately, to the dismay of Microsoft, this 'double bullet-like' character didn't send a virtual hitman into the system 'kill off' any errors incurred. Microsoft soon realized that, if they wanted this dream of a virtual hitman to be realized, they had to actually get of their lazy arses to get a cup of coffee and then get back on their lazy arses to do some programming.

edit Uses of the ¦ in Everyday Conversation

  • Shove this up your ¦ (Pipe/Broken Bar (Depending upon the individual being addressed)) and Smoke it! ~ Oxford English Dictionary
  • ¦-) An alternative smiley to the overused :-)
  • Oops I stepped on my Mars, now it's a ¦!
  • Oops I stepped on my ¦, now it's a Mars!
  • Q:Have you seen a ¦ anywhere?
    • A:No but I can show you mine!
  • ¦^ (Internet Slang for "Pipe Up" - as if there isn't enough of it already)
  • ¦> (Pipe down if you turn your monitor on its side - no seriously, I don't want to hear about it - it doesn't take a genius!)
  • Comment:"Oh man, I can't get any drinks¦"
  • Q:"Where do you get that idea from?"
    • A:"Look at the sign it says '¦'!"
      • Response:"I wish you would realize how un-funny that is!"

edit Microsoft's (Mis)Interpretation of the ¦

As mentioned previously, Microsoft was set upon believing that the ¦ character was a 'double bullet' key for activating a virtual hitman meant to kill off errors. Not willing to be publicly shamed for thinking that a mere ASCII keycode could do all this, they went about accomplishing the daunting task of doing more than just stealing it for their keyboardm.

edit MS ¦ Version 2 and the Introduction of the 'MS Office Hitman'

Soon, a Version 2 of the Microsoft ¦ key was invented which actually did feature a virtual hitman (dubbed the 'MS Office Hitman'). Rumours indicate that this name came about due to notorious and non-virtual MS Office Hitman who allegedly attempted to assassinate Bill Gates several times in his office and subsequently failed each time (apparantly due to faulty electronic doors controlled by Windows (doors controlled by windows? What were they thinking!?). Bill Gates allegedly said to his developer on the MS ¦ V2 project that: "We will call this virtual hitman the 'MS Office Hitman' so that if this one fails too then at least we can claim our OS to be an accurate simulator of reality".

Like all Microsoft projects, except the 'MS Office Vacuum Cleaner', ¦ Version 2 and its so called 'MS Office Hitman' sucked. To put it in more technical (read:boring) terms, the project was a sucksess (that's how Microsoft spell success) in terms of quality due to the fact that whenever 'MS Office Hitman' did decide to get off his lazy arse and do something when his specially designated key was pressed, he was usually shot down on the job by the Blue Screen of Death. In fact, the only errors the 'MS Office Hitman' could successfully kill were the ones that appeared during debuging in VB6. Of course, as Microsoft have done and continue to do they managed to make money from this half-arsed attempt at making Windows less prone to errors by over marketing it to the poor non-techies and telling them that they needed it or they were in danger of being left in the Stone Age!

edit MS ¦ Version 3

Sooner or later (Microsoft of course choosing the latter of the two), a Version 3 was released which allowed users to equip their hitman with an automatic weapon instead of his original (and noticeably silent) pistol. Not having figured out what the | key was for they decided to be cute and misinterpret it as a more continuous stream of gun fire than the ¦; hence it was used for automatic weapon equiping. According to the press release, Version 3 of the MS ¦ software contained the following new features:

  • Automatic error termination (no more having to press the ¦ key for every error you encounter, now just press the | key once and never be able to determine the cause of an error again!)
  • Do or Die programming - this time round the 'MS Office Hitman' has more grit! He'll either terminate the error of destroy all your computer hardware upon mission failure so that the error can never happen again!
  • New Customer Support Service:
    • How to buy the 'MS Office Hitman'
    • How to install the 'MS Office Hitman'
    • How to give all your personal details to Microsoft for 'backing up in a safe place'
    • How to buy more Microsoft Products
  • New in-built 'MS Office Hitman' advice system, including the following advice:-
    • "Something has gone wrong - oops (eerm, that means Object Orientated Programming System - oops, I mean no it doesn't!) Just Click OK OK?"
    • "The MS Office Hitman is defenceless without a weapon, this is not good, click here to fix this problem"
    • "The MS Office Hitman has failed to terminate an error, this is your fault so the warranty is hereby void and Microsoft are no longer responsible for any damage that may occur to your PC hardware. Corrupting BIOS... ...Please Click the OK button..."

edit MS ¦ Discontinued

Unsurprisingly, the MS ¦ series was discontinued shortly after the release of MS ¦ V3, but surpirsingly not due hardware corruption or Microsoft's lousy Customer Service. According to analysts, several reasons that this series was discontinued were that:

  • The NHS filed a lawsuit against Microsoft for allegedly being the indirect cause of many patients turning up in A & E with various keyboard parts embedded in their heads:-
    • Most patients claimed that what had happened was that they had snapped the keyboard on their head in a rage because the ¦ key kept doing what the | key was supposed to do and vice versa!
      • Microsoft simply said to this that is wasn't the keys that were wrong but that it was actually the users.
      • Of course what really had happened was that they thought if they made it more like their Operating System, then it would be "familiar and therefore more user-friendly"
    • Some patients had actually claimed that the keys had flown out at them as the 'MS Office Hitman' decided to "Destroy ALL Hardware"!
  • The Human Rights Organization claimed it to unfair on the virtual hitman to be unwillingly forced into a completely one sided battle - him vs. the whole of Windows complete with all known and unknown Bugs, Viruses, Worms, Trojans, Romans, Flying Horses, Silent Trouts, Greek Gods, Photonic Minatours, Ludwig van Beethovens, and of course the most renowned and hated the MS Error Dialogues
  • Apple stupidly thought they would look the smart ones by claiming they came up with the idea before Microsoft and also filed a lawsuit against them!
  • The Oxford English Dictionary was appalled by such misuse and misinterpretation of the ¦ and | characters and sent Microsoft one their dictionaries with a note attatched that read: "Stick this up your ¦ and smoke it!"
  • When Microsoft introduced the 'MS Office Assistant' it would compete with the 'MS Office Hitman' by trying to out do it with the quantity of 'help' messages it could display per second all just for some user attention!

With the MS ¦ Series now thankfully discontinued the ¦ and | character render virtually useless to the average Windows PC user nowadays. This has meant that very few have discovered that seeminly unmentionable mess-up of MS between the ¦ and | on the keyboard and what they actually output! There is now only one use of the ¦ character for the average Windows PC user and that is quite simply to say, as the Oxford English Dictionary quite rightly put it, "Shove this up your ¦ and smoke it"

Personal tools