Finger Cancer

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A finger print with over twenty thousand mini tumours organised into neat curving lines.

Finger Cancer is a leading cause of premature death among people who die of hand related diseases. Larger mammals also get Finger Cancer and die. At any given time, at least one human being in the world has finger cancer. Victims are always young healthy men who dress well and know how to smile for the camera. Finger Cancer is a silent cancer meaning the cancer is unable to communicate verbally, instead it interacts with the host by infecting mani-skin cells with toxic carcinogens rather than having an open and sincere conversation.

There is no medical cure for Finger Cancer, though some traditional healers claim that sticking pins in people while rubbing cayenne into their eyeballs and stuffing frog semen down their throat has been effective on at least one cancer patient according to a Chinese opera plot. The only proven treatment for finger cancer is amputation. All fingers and toes have to go whether they are infected or not. It's either that or trying out the frog semen cure.

Doctors forget to screen for Finger Cancer and may refuse to do mani-smears. While one is more likely to die from a freak poodle-dump-truck-peanut-butter catastrophe than get Finger Cancer, it's statistical unlikelihood doesn't mean no one should not get tested. The tragedy of Finger Cancer is that people find the idea of it all comical even though there is absolutely nothing funny about it. Finger Cancer is not funny at all. So stop laughing.

The History of Finger Cancer

Happy5
Children in a Swedish village make finger puppets. People in Scandinavia are taught to enjoy their fingers while they still have them.

In the Stone Age, family members held a sacred respect for those who died of Finger Cancer. Instead of cooking and eating their dead remains, Cave men offered their cancer infected bodies as a sacrifice to one of their divinities. This act had the unknown but beneficial bonus of minimising food poisoning as well as contributing to the aversion of the wrath of their gods.

Leonardo da Vinci contracted Finger Cancer hours before he died of old age. He left his art, sketches and alchemy formulae to his family. One formula was the cure for Finger Cancer written seconds before he stopped breathing. His wife used the paper it was written on to line her cookie jar and it was never seen again. Astonishingly, some people giggle when they hear this even though it is no laughing matter. Finger Cancer is a terrible disease that is simply not funny, even if its cure was lost as a pastry wrapping.

A couple of famous people live with Finger Cancer including a secondary actor featured in one episode of Friends, "Sandra Stoneburg", a crossword maker and Tommy Grime, a bachelor uncle who spends Christmas at his brothers' house where there are people and home cooked food. They raise over $3,000 at their annual fundraiser and donate the leftovers to the New York Institute for Secondary Cancer Statistics.

The Physiology of Finger Cancer

Advanced
The early stages of Finger Cancer, note the blemishes on the finger nail.

Finger Cancer begins once a finger is inundated by general-cancer that enters the finger at the ideal moment of cancer entry. The finger is immediately cancerified by a small amount of cancer which localises itself into cells which are most deserving of cancer (often under the finger nail). It rapidly spreads to the finger prints and then into the knuckle. Some doctors believe that knuckle cancer is a cancer of its own, though others believe both cancer of the knuckle and finger are two forms of the same vicious malignancy. Once the disease attacks the victims "finger DNA" the patient will feel a slight sensation of unbearable agony. Now, there is no hope as the Finger Cancer has spread to its matching finger on the other hand and matching toes. Once the pinkie toe is infected, patients will have one afternoon to come to terms with their death before they die.

Finger Cancer is known as a type B cancer, which means the cancer itself is radioactive. Cells inside the finger are agitated by random microwaves emitted by the sun which signal cancer eggs throughout the body to become Finger Cancer. Much like nipple cancer, the cancer infects skin cells making them explode. Each little bit of explosion debris infects other cells. Because the cell is so small, a patient cannot sense the explosions, even though they are reckless and ungodly. The process continues and speeds up until the rate of re-generation approaches the speed of light. At this point a victim kisses his loved ones goodbye and drinks a glass of water as their throats are usually dry.

Larger mammals with finger cancer face the same fate. Their family will abandon them once their hands begin to swell. The suffering animal doesn't mind as it doesn't want to feel like a burden to their loved ones. Cats and dogs do not contract Finger Cancer as they have claws and not fingers. Kitty tail and puppy tail cancer is remarkably similar to Finger Cancer. Tail cancer however is not fatal and can easily be treated by chewing on steak bones or liking tuna out of an opened can.

Early Education

Fingertr
The future of finger cancer. Denmark is experimenting with the first preventative Finger Cancer trials by amputating the fingers of most elementary school children and replacing their fingers with electronic ones. The fingers include a wi-fi modem and an mp3 player with speakers.

In some countries, Finger Cancer awareness is national policy. Children are given mani-smears every five years (doctors remove 5% of the patients finger in a medium-painful proceedure) to screen for skin cancer. Most Scandinavians cannot pinkie-swear or play thumb wars due to the missing top part of the finger. In North America nearly two people per million die each century from preventable Finger Cancer compared to 0.1 persons in Sweden and Iceland. Norway publishes the quarterly journal "The Oslo Journal of Finger and Male Nipple Cancer Pharmacology" which is Norway's best illustrated, most stylistically beautiful and highest quoted publication. Sandra Stoneburg's crossword on the final page of the journal is considered one of the most difficult crossword in any scholarly publication world wide.

Finger Cancer Counseling

Finger Cancer victims learn of their fate when it is too late and so emotional support and counselling one them is a waste of time. Instead, counsellors work with their family members and special ones to help them heal after the funeral. In the UK, family members of Finger Cancer victims get two weeks paid sick holiday and the NHS flies in Finger Cancer specialists from Sweden to offer psychological support and to take care of light kitchen duties. A mother watches her child practise the piano one day and closes the coffin the next. Counsellors scout the home for little reminders of their lost loved one by wiping fingerprints from windows and collecting finger nail clippings stuck in the carpets.

Issues in the field of Finger Cancer

Baby alligator ride
A baby alligator riding on top of its mother who has finger cancer. She will have to teach him everything he needs to know about surviving in the swamp quickly. He will have a 5% chance of surviving to adulthood and a 1% chance of successfully mating.

Fake finger cancer

False diagnoses of Finger Cancer is common, realised after amputation. Doctors make poor judgement calls including the removal of thumbs due to what was simply damaged fingers by very large splinters or finger nail fungus. Some people pretend to have Finger Cancer so they can get off going to work. This is considered uncouth in most countries as it isn't funny to pretend you have cancer when you don't, especially if it's Finger Cancer. You might be laughing about it right now, but Finger Cancer victims don't laugh when you have bad luck.

Alligators and Finger Cancer

Alligators complain about sensitive finger joints and may not realise they have finger cancer. Few veterinarians diagnose Finger Cancer properly which is a shame as alligators are infected and die even faster than humans do. The following test can be conducted in any swamp:

  • Examine the hand and look for any abnormalities
  • Wiggle each finger and check for lack of muscle control
  • Snatch and eat any beavers swimming by
  • Crack each knuckle and check for any fingers falling off
  • Regurgitate the beaver and chew on it a little more

Treatment in the USA

Finger Cancer treatment is not covered by health insurance in the US and must be treated abroad, paid for in full. Private clinics in Switzerland offer deferred payment schemes with low interest and ones house as collateral. Americans are rumoured to travel to Canada or Cuba to get free Finger Cancer or Male Nipple Cancer treatment however once treated by a socialist medicare system, their corpse may not return to American soil. Finger Cancer victimises everyone and no one gains from it accept people with a sick sense of humour. While their death may seem very comical, and while there may be lots to laugh at, laughing at Finger Cancer cheapens the victims sacrifice to humanity. Everyone who dies of Finger Cancer is a hero, and one should never laugh at a hero. You can maybe laugh through your nose, or crack a smile that seems like a sneer, but laughing at them is not cool. Remember to have a loved one check for bumps on your finger every ten years and insist that your doctor give you a mani-smear. You may lose some of your finger in the process, but you will be reunited with it in the after life, which will hopefully be a long time in the future if you catch the early signs of Finger Cancer before Finger Cancer catches you.

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