A Brief History Of Hot Bitches In Leather Kicking Ass
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The history of mankind has many examples of women who kicked ass in the distant past. Unfortunately, all of these ancient instances of female domination involve women who were extremely unattractive and wore clothing that was drab and unappealing. In modern times, revisionist historians have tried to cast doubt on that premise by trying to make Joan of Arc look sexier, but nobody burns a good looking 19 year old girl at the stake unless she’s butt ugly and wears armor. Cleopatra is often cited as being a beautiful woman who shook her ass into a position of great power, but the sad truth is that behind the pancake makeup there was only a drag queen who exploited the rampant homosexuality of the Roman Empire to expand and solidify "her" power. All other historical examples of females kicking ass can be easily attributed to women with internal testes. While we can’t really go back into the distant past to find out just how hot these powerful women really weren’t, an examination of the present and the overt manliness of South African “female” runner Caster Semenya pretty much sums up what the ass-kicking women of world history probably looked like.  While there may be unknown bitches from the past who were actually hot and did kick ass in a leather outfit, we will never really know for sure and it must be assumed that they never existed.
| The 1940's
Before the 20th century, women were fairly happy to be treated as property, which allowed them the luxury of blaming men for anything that went wrong. By the 1920’s, men in western cultures decided to redistribute that wealth of liability and empower women with the right to vote - for whomever their husband said was the best candidate. Despite this token advance, “Back in the kitchen or the back of my hand!” was still a popular and often used directive for handling women in a typical western household.  After the advent of WW2, the need to replace workers who had been shipped off to war became too pressing to ignore. A woman's traditional vocations of housecleaning, cooking and looking pretty were expanded to also include factory jobs that were formerly filled by either men or "women" who had internal testes. While “Rosie The Riveter” didn’t wear leather or appeal to the prurient interest of normal people, the icon was an overt acknowledgment that women were capable of, and expected to, kick ass.
| The 1950's
In the squeaky clean and highly moralistic depictions of 1950’s America by television shows like "Father Knows Best" and "Leave it to Beaver", women were depicted as if they were still living in the 1930’s but had learned to get back into the kitchen without being told. The war was over and women kicking ass wasn’t deemed to be a necessity anymore. Naughtiness was pretty much relegated to localized “camera clubs”, who secretly exchanged artistic photos out of the scrutiny of mainstream censorship. After these connoisseurs got a sniff of Bettie Page, in leather and lace, getting spanked and posing in other fetishist idioms, it wasn’t long before girly publications like "Wink", "Titter" and "Eyeful" hit the newsstands. Women were now encouraged to be leather-wearing hotties but the only thing that came close to ass kicking was Bettie getting spanked by another woman with a hair brush. The 1960's
Russ Meyer grew up in a porn-less house and spent his youth touching himself while leering at posters of “Rosie The Riveter” in dubiously sexy situations Meyer's chocolate and peanut butter epiphany came in 1961 when he mistakenly walked into a California biker bar and erroneously assumed that a long haired member of the Hells Angels was a woman. Meyer later claimed that he survived the beating by pretending that he was being assaulted by a leather clad woman with huge tits - which proved to be arousing. In 1965, Meyer released “Faster Pussycat, Kill Kill” and a generation of men were introduced to erotic thrill of being kicked repeatedly in the groin by an attractive, buxom woman. The BBC were quick to respond to high demand in Britain by introducing the character “Emma Peel” in the hit television show “The Avengers”
| The 1970's
Known as the decade that ruined everything, the 1970’s dampened the hot bitch kicking ass in leather revolution when media moguls strayed from a winning formula. American television producer Aaron Spelling personally watered down the concept for mass appeal by introducing "Charlie’s Angels" after showing up during production of the movie "The Doll Squad" and taking notes. Spelling's "Angels" reduced the hot bitch in leather kicking ass genre to a Los Angeles style fashion show for damsels in distress and his vanilla stranglehold on entertainment would persist for two more decades. Hot bitches kicking ass would only survive in Blaxploitation movies like "Cleopatra Jones" which dumped the leather in favor of pimp clothing and slapping an older (and fatter) Shelley Winters in the face.
Since the primary focus of the 1980’s was “Who shot J.R.?”, cocaine and making lots of money to pay for all that cocaine, very few manifestations of hot bitches in leather kicking ass truly occurred. If it weren't for Grace Jones taking a spear to "Conan The Barbarian"'s crotch, there wouldn't be anything worth mentioning unless you include Sigourney Weaver tackling an army of intergalactic insects in Aliens. But that probably doesn't count here as Sigourney's climatic battle was against another female. There was no room for leather wear in that set up either. Shame.
| The 1990's
Advances in image rendering and personal computer capabilities allowed characters in video games to become more lifelike and therefore appealing to the prurient interest of adolescent boys. Real women were replaced by mere images and a legion of horny teenagers fell in love with Lara Croft  In the world of live action, Lucy Lawless becomes the newest busty brawler in "Xena:Warrior Princess" but the show’s fantasy setting and lesbian undertones turned it into a lengthy chick flick on television. Some skinny waif and her Hollywood pals didn’t fare any better with “Buffy The Vampire Slayer". "Buffy" ended up being nothing more than "Beverly Hills 90210" with vampires and lesbians. Porn star Jenna Jameson experimented with "Hot Bitches In Leather Licking Each Others Asses On Race Cars" which only appealed to lesbians trapped in a man's body and a few NASCAR fans.
| The 2000's
In 1997 Quentin Tarantino wrote and directed "Jackie Brown" - an homage to the Blaxploitation films of the 1970's. After working with formerly blaxploited ass kicker Pam Grier , Tarantino would take a five year hiatus from film making before resurrecting the hot chicks in leather kicking ass genre in 2003. In the two-part movie epic "Kill Bill", Uma Thurman takes out a Samurai sword and splatters the blood and limbs of an estimated 80 henchman in various directions and the genre was given new life. Purists argue that Thurman should have accomplished the feat while wearing a push-up bra and by kicking everyone in the groin, instead of chopping off their limbs, but it’s still considered nothing short of a hot bitches in leather kicking ass revival. Tarantino followed that masterpiece with “Death Proof” , a movie that climaxes with three hot bitches stomping a sniveling Kurt Russell to death, then dancing on his lifeless body.
| The Future
Current trends indicate that the 2010’s will likely produce a warrior woman who'll be wearing a synthetic, form fitting material that allows her to kill and pee simultaneously - perhaps even urinating on a foe after they’ve been vanquished. Further into the future, advances in virtual reality will also allow law abiding citizens to virtually get their ass kicked by any celebrity of the past 50 years, in leather, with startling realism. The current market for a virtual beating session with Joan Crawford is estimated to be huge but the technology is still in its infancy and has yet to catch up with public demand. No matter what the future holds, there will definitely be hot bitches in leather-like clothing to satisfy a population of men who are bent over and waiting to be kicked firmly in the ass.
- ↑ Somebody gouge out my eyes...please.
- ↑ This directive was eventually replaced in 1955 after Jackie Gleason uttered the now infamous line “One of these days Alice, POW! right in the kisser!” on the TV show “The Honeymooners”
- ↑ My demands are small if your fist is big
- ↑ Say No More!
- ↑ It’s not a very good name, is it?
- ↑ Va Va Voom!
- ↑ Getting warmer
- ↑ Also the inspiration for the modern porn series “No Boys Allowed” parts 1-15
- ↑ SUPERWOMEN
- ↑ The British required a more ladylike boot to the nads in a curiously sunny England that lacked squalor
- ↑ Kate Smith? Jodhpurs? WTF?
- ↑ Kicking and leather!
- ↑ She’s 6’2” and eats punks like you for breakfast
- ↑ Sex and danger never looked so good
- ↑ They’re not real, OK?
- ↑ Should I let her kick my ass or take her to the prom?
- ↑ Those were the days
- ↑ Some nerd actually analyzed the video, watch and count for yourself!
- ↑ Now that's action!