UnNews:Militant atheist decides her car keys never existed
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Militant atheist decides her car keys never existed
Straight talk, from straight faces
Friday, May 29, 2015, 22:45:UTC)(
22 October 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
"I planned to meet some friends on the South Side for lunch," said Russo, a social worker who lives in the Squirrel Hill neighborhood. "This was based on a naive belief that I had a 'magic' device that could get a lump of metal, rubber and plastic to take me wherever I want to go."
"You can search for something all you want, and you can believe it's there, but it's not," Russo told reporters. "Smart people eventually conclude that there's no invisible daddy who'll take care of all your problems, or miraculously move you five miles in ten minutes."
"Car keys are concepts by which we measure our pain," she added.
Russo became an atheist while an undergraduate at Duquesne University and tells friends and colleagues to put logic and reason above imagination. Russo later called friend Laura Johnson, 28, to cancel the meal plans, and lectured her about "all the crimes committed in the name of car keys."
"She reminded me how many people had died in road accidents, and how much money big corporations made off the sale of autmobiles and 'so-called gas'," Johnson said. "I can see her point, but it's hard for me to give up my car. I guess it's kind of a habit."
"Seeing is believing," she said. "Am I going to cede my own empirical judgment to some hierarchical old man with his head in the clouds, forcing me to trust his malignant and biased description of things I've never seen? I think you know the answer."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|