UnBooks:Great Abridged Literature

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 16:10, November 20, 2008 by Hyperbole (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search
Salesman

A salesman. Poss. dead? Confirmation needed.

Uncyclomedia and Readers' Slim Pickings Present:

Great Abridged Literature!

“Art for... sake.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Lit.

The Death of a Salesman, by Arthur Miller

Unbookslogo
The novel Great Abridged Literature is also available in paperback.
Salesman: Here you are ma'am.
Woman: Oh, that's very comfortable. Do you have them in a darker brown?
Salesman: Yes, I think that... argh!

Salesman dies of heart attack. Woman looks around surreptitiously.

Woman: Yoink!

Woman takes shoes and runs.

All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque

Trench1

How quiet can it be when the French trenches won't turn down their stereo? I said HOW QUIET CAN IT BE-

Soldiers Paul Bäumer and Stanislaus "Kat" Katczinsky are on sentry duty in a WWI trench. Shells explode all around them.

Paul: You know, this is actually pretty noisy.
Kat: Yeah, I guess Erich was being ironic.
Paul: I guess. And what sort of middle name is "Maria" anyway?

Paul realizes to his horror that Kat was killed in the last bomb-burst.

Paul: Yoink!

Paul steals Kat's boots, and runs.

The Bridge on the River Kwai by Pierre Boulle

Kwai

Upper lip courtesy of LipStiff Inc.

Larry: Well, this looks like a nice, shallow place to ford the river.
Sir Alec Guinness, CH, CBE: Ahem.

Sir Alec points to a bridge over the river. Larry smacks his forehead.

Larry: What am I thinking! I'll just use the bridge! Thank you, Obi-Wan!

Larry crosses the bridge. As he reaches the halfway mark, the bridge explodes.

Sir Alec Guinness, CH, CBE: Huh.

Sir Alec walks away quickly, whistling nonchalantly.

A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens

Sydney Carton: It is a far, far better thing I do that I have ever done. It is...

Sidney is suddenly stabbed in the abdomen by Maximilian Robespierre. After a long pause, enter Oliver Twist. Oliver looks around cautiously. Seeing that the coast is clear, he whistles loudly

Oliver: Grub's up, lads!
Carton: What? NOOOOOO!!

The orphans feast upon the dying Carton.

The Hound of the Baskervilles, by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Holmes

"Don't Bogart that pipe, Holmes," I declared.

Watson: Then do you truly think that there is nothing to this fanciful tale of a spectral hound?
Holmes: This agency stands flat-footed upon the ground, and there it must remain. The world is big enough for us. No ghosts need apply.

Suddenly, a chupacabra breaks through the window. Watson runs for the exit, but facing him is a sasquatch. The sasquatch holds Watson in place as the chupacabra tears his throat out. Holmes looks on in amazement.

Chupacabra: You want some of this?
Holmes: I'm cool, man.
Chupacabra: LaRouche in 2012!

A Merchant of Venice, by William Shakespeare

Cannoli

Atsa nice-a cannoli!

Merchant: Here'sa you cannolis!
Woman: Thank you. How much is that?
Merchant: Itsa five Euros.

Long pause

Woman: Shouldn't you be dying now?
Merchant: Lady, I don'a die for som runnin' gag. No for five Euros.
Good Small Nominated Article
This article has been nominated for highlighting on the front page—you can vote for it or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH. Please see this article's entry.
Personal tools
projects