Melville the One Trick Pony
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Emergence into public spotlight
Melville the One Trick Pony first came into the public spotlight when a viral video of him labeled “Flopy [sic] dick dancing horse lulz” was uploaded to YouTube in August 2005. The video was taken with a handheld camera by a young Montana resident and featured Melville dancing while standing on his two hind legs, set to MC Hammer’s "U Can’t Touch This". The video was an instant sensation, holding the #1 spot of YouTube’s most viewed videos for 4 weeks straight. Its popularity was attributed not only to the astounding sight of a pony apparently dancing on its hind legs, but also to the wild undulations of his shockingly large penis, an estimated 3.7 times the size of an average pony. The timing of the spliced in music renders serendipitous results, with Melville performing a speedy sidestepping foot shuffle to left, right, and back again, similar to the way MC Hammer performs the move during the same part of the song in the "U Can’t Touch This" music video. After initially receiving national attention, public curiosity over the pony grew even further when it was revealed on camera by the pony’s owner, Chuck Redburn, that when viewed from close distance, Melville’s erect penis features a large birthmark on the underside of the shaft with a remarkable resemblance to Japan, with the islands of Okinawa and all.
Of arguably greater significance than his phallus-wagging jig, but of far less public interest was Melville’s ability to comprehend and communicate in native level English and intermediate level Spanish, and his expert hand at pottery, glass-blowing and ice sculpturing. Stamping his foot in Morse code, the pony was highly responsive to the media, and would frequently release statements on his own accord, more often than not expressing his chagrin due to the public’s infatuation with his jiggling pork sword and utter disregard of his other remarkable abilities. Says Melville in his Playboy interview, “It is most lamentable that my true passion of three-dimensional art creation is ultimately overshadowed by my pendulous pony-wang.”
After his initial YouTube video, Melville would be covered widely by the media. However, as the sensation over him grew, parent groups became increasingly vocal over his video, which they deemed as “smut”, and it was eventually removed from YouTube. In addition, his mastodonic penis could not be shown onscreen on television appearances, with noted exception of the National Geographic Channel, who eagerly sealed a contract with Melville’s owner for exclusive specials. A lengthy series featuring the pony and his impressive member was created by the television network, and in the first weekend of December 2005 a marathon of the entire series ran to astronomic ratings unprecedented in National Geographic history. Melville’s penis was featured predominately in the series, with a calculated 57% of the screen time displaying it, or 61% when including his nutsack.
Melville deeply resented his treatment in the National Geographic special. Originally known simply as his given name, Melville, the pony then cynically took on the stage name of “Melville the One Trick Pony” out of frustration for the public’s disinterest in anything other than his purple headed yogurt slinger.
In regard to the YouTube video, Melville claims to have been recorded unknowingly during an interpretive dance he had performed for the first time in a moment of inspiration. There was no actual music playing during the first notorious dance, and Melville claims no prior knowledge of either the song or music video for “U Can’t Touch This”, which he would later denounce as “repulsive pop drivel”. In his public performances from then on, however, he reluctantly agreed to using the song as background music, further lining the pockets of rap legend MC Hammer, as well as the estate of Rick James.
Melville the One Trick Pony went on a worldwide tour in January to March 2006, filling to capacity the largest public venues of each respective country. Opening act, Black Eyed Peas, started the show with a remix of smash hit “Where Is the Love?”, changing the lyrics unoriginally to “Where Is the Melville?”, and garnering boos at multiple venues. At the grand finale, rabid fans waved cumbersome Styrofoam Meville penises (accurately decorated with Japan birthmark) and worked themselves into virtual frenzy as he took the stage and replicated his trademark dance. Himself weary of the unprecedented attention his trifling jig garnered, Melville considered the “One Trick Flops Around the World Tour” as a necessary evil to further spread his influence and eventually make the public appreciative of his expansive body of sculptures and glass art, and less so of his prolific schlong.
Melville became the frequent subject of internet memes and imitations, and is widely considered the first ever non-human sex symbol. Various polls conducted by prominent magazines and websites revealed in 2006 that over 25% of women over the age of 18 would eagerly have sex with the pony, with a staggering 46% of the college girl demographic ready to spread on any given night. Chad Flavin of Maxim magazine stated in an editorial, “He’s like a girl’s greatest fantasy. I mean, what two things do chicks dig more than ponies and a massive dong?”
Melville was approached by various high-profile adult film producers with lucrative offers for leading roles in pornographic movies, but the pony firmly turned them all down, famously stamping “Porn is where I draw the line.” Despite this aversion to pornography, Melville lived a highly promiscuous life, but choosing only ponies as partners and showing no interest in the hordes of willing human female poontang. “Yeah, you can say I’ve got a thing for Shetlands”, he stated in his Playboy interview. In the end, it would be this free and loose lifestyle that brought him to his early death.
Death and legacy
In April 2007 Melville contracted a previously undiscovered sexually transmitted equine disease later given the scientific name of horse AIDS. Tragically, Melville perished of the fatal disease on July 31 2007, only two days before the first scheduled airing of a PBS special focused entirely on the pony’s artwork. The program, however, would ultimately be pre-empted by the 2007 Cup Stacking Championships, which had gone into sixteen rounds of sudden death in the finals. To this day, Melville the One Trick Pony continues to be known as nothing other than a dancing pony with a really big dick.