From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
- This article is about the Paris Hilton that matters. For other definitions of the term Paris Hilton, see Paris Hilton (disambiguation).
“Does it have a ballroom? It does? Great! I'd love to have my balls held by the Paris Hilton.”
~ Oscar Wilde on the Paris Hilton
The Paris Hilton is a hotel located on the Avenue de Suffren near the Trocadero Gardens in Paris. Rooms in the Paris Hilton offer spectacular views of the Eiffel Tower and the River Seine. This 4-star hotel offers 461 rooms, two restaurants (with one specializing in California-style cuisine), and many business amenities.
|Impeccable service is something you can count on with Paris Hilton.|
The elegant facade of Paris's greatest hotel is dominated by its iconic doors, which are the largest and widest in Europe. If you've seen Paris Hilton, you've seen it's entrance. The doors' two experienced doormen work day and night ensuring the swift passage of guests going in and out, in and out, again and again. Critics have said that the hotel is compromising its security by its willingness to let almost anyone through its main entrance and that, in these days of terrorist uncertainty, such irresponsible openness could leave the site vulnerable to attack from a suspicious package. The proprietors don't appear to care.
On checking in, luggage will be taken by one of the site's many hard-working porters. All bags are handled with the utmost care and loving attention. For a small unpacking fee, the contents can be skilfully extracted and spread across the room.
Please note that dogs are allowed in the hotel, but only if they are small enough to fit in a ladies' handbag.
Staying for Pleasure
A night in the world-reknowned Paris Hilton can be a relaxing or thrilling experience. Just think of all the rich and famous people who have been there before you. It is common practice for guests to document their time at the hotel with audio-visual equipment. This is available from reception for a small fee (equipment may require cleaning). Guests can then share the sights and sounds with friends at home using the wireless internet connection. The hotel also provides extremely secure storage services for audio-visual recordings.
Paris Hilton has a large and fully-heated swimming pool which can provide hours of wet and wild fun for all the family. Guests should make full use of the diving board and learn how to enter the Hilton pool with style. Swimsuits can be purchased at reception if guests have forgotten their own. However, female guests should proceed with caution, as the hotel bikinis are often ill-fitting.
Before leaving the hotel, it is widely recommended to visit the gift shop, named after the Greek messenger God, Hermes. The best selling items of 2007 were the lip balm and the anti-bacterial body wash. As the slogan goes, "If you haven't experienced Hermes, you haven't experienced Hilton".
Staying for Business
Paris Hilton has everything that a businessman may need to ensure a comfortable and productive stay. All executive rooms have a large, well equipped desk (although it does not have any drawers), internet access and a top of the range trouser press. The hotel is equipped with meeting rooms for 2-700 people, so no matter how big the party, Paris Hilton can service everyone.
The Paris Hilton is within a short walk of all the major convention centres. Business guests can be assured that after a long day of corporate networking a good night with Paris Hilton is never far away. When you're away from home, far from your wife and family, you can always have Paris Hilton.
Eating at Paris Hilton
|- An oral delight!|
Downstairs at the Paris Hilton hotel there is located the main eatery. Every morning for breakfast, guests are invited to come in and enjoy the porridge. For the rest of the day the restaurant provides the very best in French cuisine, with cock au vin being a particular favourite.
The restaurant is also host to an incredibly well-stocked bar, which specialises in its own house cocktail. Known as the "Hilton Guzzler", it comprises pink champagne, bacardi, malibu, absinthe and a dash of vodka to taste. The restaurant is one of the coolest spots to get wasted in the city, with a regular house band, Stars Are Blind, playing classic songs such as "Downtown", "Roxanne" and "Nine to Five". They play every weeknight, apart from Thursdays. Thursday is karaoke night. On these lively occasions any old wannabe can walk in off the street and pretend to be a pop star for the evening.
The Paris Hilton is a hotel of many contrasts. At times it can be expensive, exclusive and even a little elitist. At other times, it isn't. Nothing better exemplifies Paris Hilton's cheap, common and open-to-all-comers side than its California-style fast food restaurant, Buns, which is located at the rear of the premises. If guests don't have the time or money for a big meal, they can always hop round the back for a quick one. Whether you wolf down a burger, a hot dog or one of their famous milkshakes, Buns is there all hours of the day or night to satisfy your most basic of human needs.
Paris Hilton is aware that getting taxis in the French capital can be difficult and the taxi drivers can be, like, so gross. So Paris Hilton offers patrons its own luxury chauffeur-driven car service. This promises to provide the fastest and most comfortable transport in the city. Indeed, recent tests on Parisian roads have proven Hilton's cars to be even faster than the local police.
The first time one uses the Paris Hilton car service, the hotel provides a complimentary bottle of champagne. It is customary to share the drink with the driver as a thank you for the excellent ride. And there's no need to worry about spraying bubbly everywhere, as the back seats wipe clean.
Thank you for reading
The next time you're in France, think of the experience you could be having at the capital's premier hotel. Whether young or old, rich or poor, male or female, there really is room for anyone in Paris Hilton.