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“Iи кюммцйіѕт Яцssia, aятicгзs щяiтз чюц!!”
Matt K is the act of removing excess ink from a pen or typewriter ribbon by marking up one or more sheets of paper. In contemporary usage, writing is the primary means of preventing a computer screen from freezing. In either case, literature, or even a remotely coherent string of text, is a coincidental by-product of the process. However, this by-product occurs distressingly often and if unchecked can lead to publication, which in turn may cause widespread entertainment, learned discourse, cultural enhancement, and other forms of pollution.
Writing Myths and Facts
Myth: You must live a life of suffering, substance abuse, isolation and insanity in order to write well.
Fact: These factors are only necessary for maintaining a LiveJournal, which is emphatically not a form of writing.
Myth: You must write "x" number of pages every day.
Fact: The optimum daily number of pages is actually "xiv."
Myth: Good writing always uses standard English, proper grammar, and correct punctuation.
Fact: wht, u, sayn, bitch?!?!1
Myth: Writing in large quantitties while retaining quality is very difficult, and--
Fact: Ha ha, d00d, you said titties!
Genres of Writing
Whining, also known as Bitching, Kvetching, or Buggin'. By far the most popular genre, requiring the fewest brain cells.
Begging. This is usually more effective in oral form, because it's hard to convey the pitch and tone of a newborn puppy in writing.
What To Do When It All Goes Wrong
3. Moo like a cow
(if you still haven't sorted it by this point, you might like to try some of these options)
3. Screw it up and take a cool dropshot over your shoulder into the bin
4. Correction Fluid.
Everyone experiences writer's block on occasion. This occurs when your no-good coworker over in the next cubicle "borrows" your pen and inevitably fails to return it, thus blocking you from writing. To prevent writer's block, call your pen by name, stroke it affectionately, and hold imaginary conversations with it. This will make your coworker think twice about "borrowing" your pen, or making any contact with you whatsoever.
Writer's Block may also occur when there are so many other things you could be doing, like Fact: pr0n, man! Yeah! Myth: Stop interrupting me, dammit!
Writing began two hundred years ago in the ancient Death Valley civilization of California. The extremely hot climate caused the Valleyites to slouch as they trudged through the desert, prompting the invention of the walking stick to prevent falling down. One day the village elder Gilgamesh Q. Playa noticed that his walking stick had become weighted down with dirt, and he began to tap the ground in short, rapid strokes in order to clean it. Before long, Playa had inadvertently composed the first known literary work, Confessions of an Heiress, under the equally inadvertent pseudonym of Paris Hilton. This accidental discovery gave the Valleyites hours of fun writing in the sand. It also led to the demise of the entire civilization due to heat stroke.
Subsequent civilizations, such as the Deadheads and Burningmanites, built on the innovation of their noble and stupid predecessors. Both groups, independent of each other, greatly simplified the art of writing by using a "stylin'" to engrave stone and clay tablets, the direct ancestors of the PalmPilot, only ten times more efficient. Meanwhile, further south and a little to the left, the Incas pioneered the use of pulped hemp sheets as a writing medium and, less successfully, the use of smoked hemp as inspiration for writing. Nevertheless, the pastime of hemp smoking lent its name to the black fluid which the Incas used for writing. After a night of stoned scribbling, they would stare at what they had written and say, "I don't have an inkling what this means." Even the name "Inca" comes from the same root. Bear in mind that spelling had not yet been invented.
The final and most important writing innovation came with the invention of alphabet soup in 1867. For the first time in history, people realized that they didn't have to waste time and give themselves repetitive strain injury by actually writing letters. They needed only arrange the pasta letters into words. The resultant increase in first and second degree burns abated when authors realized that using cold alphabet cereal worked just as well as dipping one's fingers in hot soup. In any case, the separation of literary activity from writing meant that people could finally clear their pens of all that messy ink, a process which continues to this day.
Alternative Writing Methods
Other forms of writing methods are used, but no-one wants to keep them in them library things. Like:
Please note the great literary classic "Julie is Fat!" appearing on this Bus Seat.