White History Month

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
2011 Calendar Template Black White
Note the lack of color in each of the twelve months.

White History Month is the unofficial name of each of the twelve months of the year. As everybody in the civilized world knows, World History would be nowhere without White History, and so each month is slavishly devoted to the subject (albeit unofficially - those p.c. bastards would never let something like that fly in official circles). Furthermore, each month has its own motif (that's fancy white-person talk for "theme"). Read on to learn more:

edit January

In the northern hemisphere at least, this month is the whitest month due to mid-winter snows and thus receives recognition as the principal month in the panoply (another fancy white-person word) of White History Months. The month takes its name from the Roman God Janus, god of doorways and beginnings. Like white people, he is two-faced. Every year in history begins with January, so it is certainly the best place to start when talking about White History Month.

There are a variety of white-people holidays in January. These include the following:

  • Handsel Monday in Scotland and northern England – First Monday.
  • Russian and Ukrainian Christmas Eve – January 6 (It was illegal during the Soviet era.)
  • Plough Sunday in Scotland and northern England – Sunday after January 6 (like, 13).
  • Australia Day in Australia - January 26 (Summer time down under).
  • Burns night in Scotland – January 25 (Winter time gets warmer).
  • The uniting of Moldavia and Wallachia under the same ruler in 1859, Romania – January 24 (old calendar?)

Note: This month was almost disqualified from inclusion within the list of unofficial White History Months because it includes the birthday of Martin Luther King, Jr..

edit February

Groundhog-day-1
Groundhog Day: Groundhogs - 1; White People - 7; People of Color - None.

Many famous white people did famous things during the month of February (as with every month). February usually has only 28 days, but every four years there is a "leap year," with a February 29th. This is symbolic of the 15th Century, when white people literally leaped ahead of all other races on the stage of World History, single-handedly discovering America, inventing gunpowder, developing calculus, and a host of other achievements.

There are a number of white-people holidays in February, including the following:

  • St. Brigid’s Day: February 1, Ireland - except for Protestants.
  • Groundhog Day: February 2, United States and Canada (a very WHITE Middle American thing).
  • George Washington's birthday: February 22, United States (sorry APE Lincoln, you shouldn't free them slaves).
  • Leap Day: February 29 (Every four years, with some exceptions) - except for Jews.

edit March

Perhaps the most famous white man of all, Julius Caesar, was killed during the Ides of this month. World leaders of white nations bore his namesake for centuries, such as the Czars of Russia and the Kaisers of Germany. The Ancient Greek and Roman god of the month was also the god of war - something white people really excel at. It was white people, after all, who invented the atomic bomb.

March contains many white-people holidays and events. These include:

  • Texas Independence Day, March 2 (The Yellow Rose of Texas, was raped by a Mexican Negro, you see...)
  • White Day, March 14 (ironically, Asia) - the Aryan homeland of WHITE EUROS is in...India.
  • The Ides of March, the anniversary of the assassination of Julius Caesar by Brutus & Co., March 15.
  • Saint Patrick's Day, March 17 (Irish joke day, to see how Irish are you, Fsck all' de' Irish).
  • Celebration of the Greek War of Independence, March 25 (Greeks hunt Turk-eys on a traditional way).
  • The Immaculate Conception of the Virgin Mary, March 25 or 31, somewhere in between (Yeah, she done it).

edit April

This month contains tax day in the USA, which makes people white as a sheet by both bleeding them dry and scaring the living daylights out of them year after year.

White-people holidays in April include the following:

  • April Fools' Day – April 1 (the ultimate white-people holiday).
  • Easter, personified by white rabbits.
  • Tax Day (US) – April 15. A day for Jewish accountants to take revenge.
  • St George's Day Patron Saint Celebration (England, Europe) – April 23.
  • ANZAC Day (Australia and New Zealand) – April 25 (what does "AC" stand for? Oh yeah, Asians and Coloureds welcome).
  • The L.A. Riots Anniversary - April 30. Racial harmony gathering day. (see May 1st).

edit May

This month is only middling on the whiteness scale, what with green spring being in full bloom and a lack of notable white achievements. All the more reason to jar people into remembering the whites for all 31 days of the month.

Examples of white-people holidays in May include:

  • May 3 is when the Polish Constitution Day is celebrated in Poland.
  • The first Saturday in May is the date of the annual Kentucky Derby, the most famous horse race in the United States.
  • May 4 is the day of Remembrance of the Dead in the Netherlands, commemorating all the casualties in military conflicts involving the Netherlands.
  • May 4 is Liberation Day in Denmark, celebrating the ending of the German occupation from April 9, 1940, to May 4, 1945.
  • May 5 is Liberation Day in the Netherlands, celebrating the ending of the German occupation.
  • May 9 is Europe Day in the European Union (Post-WW2 Europe socialist Liberal pacifist gathering day).
  • The Indianapolis 500 is held on the Sunday before Memorial Day.

edit June

Some really white things happened during this month; however, they are too horrible and politically incorrect to mention even on Uncyclopedia. Ok, Father's Day. Although Father's Day causes mass confusion with the black population as is proven by the " Who's the Baby Daddy DNA Test" billboards strewn across cities largely populated by blacks.

edit July

This month is pretty white. It's named after the white Roman leader Julius Caesar. And it contains July the Fourth, the day the Founding Fathers of the United States (all of them white) signed their Declaration of Independence from white Great Britain, the reigning world power before the United States took the helm. It doesn't get much whiter.

There are a variety of white-people holidays in July. These include the following:

  • Canada Day (formerly Dominion Day), July 1.
  • Civil Rights Day, July 2. (Another White Liberal gathering day of Rastafarian Wigger Rapper wannabes).
  • Independence Day in Belarus, July 3 (where Israel plans to return someday).
  • Independence Day in the United States of America, July 4 (USA! Stars and Bars flag waving, Bible thumping, Redneck-White skin-Blue collar Pride).
  • Battle of the Boyne and Orangemen's Day in Northern Ireland, July 12 (No brothers wars, huh? I thought the Irish aren't white).
  • Bastille Day, July 14 (VIVE LE FRANCE, also said not to be white).
  • Independence Day in Belgium, July 21 (they hate each other, ppfftt the Dutch).
  • Foundation Day in Cleveland, July 22 (NO BLACKS ALLOWED).
  • Pioneer Day in Utah, July 24 (Mormons: the other White Religion).
  • Foundation Day in Baltimore, July 30 (Also No Black people).

edit August

Well, maybe it does get whiter. August is named after the first Roman Emperor, Augustus Caesar. He was the white emperor of the largest white empire ever to grace the Earth until the advent of the British Empire many centuries later. The Romans enslaved all kinds of people, both white and non-white.

There are a number of white-people holidays in August. These include the following:

  • August 1, Yorkshire Day.
  • August 1, Swiss National Day, a public holiday in Switzerland.
  • August 15, 1945, Emperor Hirohito declares Japan's unconditional surrender officially ending the Second World War.
  • August 20, 1991, Estonia regains its independence, formally leaving the Soviet Union which had annexed it back in World War II.

edit September

Okay, the best here to say is that "Sept" is a Latin prefix for "seven," as in this used to be the seventh month of the year under the Roman calendar. The Romans were white, so that counts.

Nevertheless, there are a few white-people holidays in September. These include the following:

  • German American Heritage Month begins on September 15 in the United States.
  • In Australia, Father's Day is celebrated on the first Sunday of September.
  • In Australia, the Rugby League Grand Final is played on the last Sunday of September.
  • In Australia, the AFL Grand Final is played on the last Saturday of September.
  • California Admission Day to commemorate the admission of California into the Union is September 9.

Note: California was once settled by Brown-skinned Spanish-speaking mestizo half-Indians known as... Hhhmmm, Californios? Hispanos? Mexicanos? Latinos? Chicanos? La Raza? Hispanics? or Americanos? That's a tough one, but are Spanish people white in some way? Oh well, we wanted cheap illegal labor.

  • Chile, Argentina and Uruguay Independence Days on September 16, 18 and 19 respectively.

edit October

Columbus-day 0
An artist's depiction of the first Columbus Day. There's really nothing more to say.

Things seem to be getting worse for White History at first glance. Colors are changing in the fall (northern hemisphere) to yellows, browns, and reds. No white to be found. But wait - Columbus discovered America in October, so that redeems the month from a white history perspective.

There are a variety of white-people holidays in October. These include the following:

  • German Unity Day (Germany) – October 3 (OKTOBERFEST! Ossie Stasis meet Vest Nazis.)
  • Proclamation of Portuguese Republic (Portugal) – October 5 (wait, are them Brazilians white?)
  • Leif Erikson Day - October 9 (Scandinavian-Canadian holiday, NON FRANCAIS SIL VOUS PLAIT).
  • National Day of Spain – October 12 (Discovery of America), NOT WOP, er, Italian-American day.
  • Thanksgiving (Canada) – Second Monday of October (Canadians, they play football in July).
  • Columbus Day (Most of United States) – Second Monday of October, GUINEE, er Sicilian day.
  • Alaska Day - October 18 (White as ice and snow, not like Hawaii, 90% non-white people).
  • Remembering the Hungarian Revolution of 1956 – October 23 (Huns are our Asiatic friends).
  • Day of the Romanian Army – October 25 (Roman heritage, sorry Greeks).
  • National Day of Austria - October 26 (Nope. not the Swiss).
  • Navy Day (United States) – October 27 (In the NAVY, Y, Y-M-C-A, Macho, Macho MEN).
  • Halloween, Samhain – October 31 (Whitest Kids U Know are out there causing pranks).

edit November

Things are improving for white history. The Pilgrims (white settlers) gave thanks for their mastery over the red savages in the Massachusetts Bay Colony in America in November, and it sometimes is cold enough for snow during the month (again, this is applicable to the northern hemisphere).

There are a variety of white-people holidays in November. These include the following:

  • In Ireland, November 1 is regarded as the first day of Winter.
  • November 1 is called November Day (Lá Samhna) in Celtic tradition and is thus named in the Irish Calendar, where the month is called Mí na Samhna.
  • Britain and New Zealand celebrate Guy Fawkes Night, the anniversary of the failed Gunpowder Plot, on November 5.
  • November 10 is the birthday of the United States Marine Corps.
  • Independence Day in Poland on November 11.
  • Remembrance Day is celebrated on November 11 in the Commonwealth of Nations and various European countries (including France and Belgium) to commemorate World War I and other wars. It is known as Veterans' Day in the United States.
  • Discovery to the Eastern World of Puerto Rico by Christopher Columbus on November 19, 1493.
  • Scotland celebrates St. Andrews Day, its official national day, on 30 November. Since 2006 it has been an official bank holiday.
  • The United States observes Thanksgiving on the fourth Thursday in November.

edit December

Ah, back to white. Snow has returned with winter and Father Christmas/Santa Claus, a white man, is on the prowl with his long white beard, at least in white countries.

say Ꮂ? - The First Indigenous Native American Indian responds, like any minority person would, in reaction to White History Month.

There are a variety of white-people holidays in December. These include the following:

  • Union Day of Romania (1 December) - Bulgaria included, I think or Macedonia, or was it Moldova?
  • Sinterklaas in the Netherlands (December 5) - Black Elf not included.
  • Independence Day in Finland (December 6) - From them Russians or Swedes, I forgot.
  • Constitution Day in Spain (December 6) - They legalized the Basque language, the original White race.
  • Saint Nicholas Day in Greece (December 6) - When Muslims were taken down.
  • Constitution Day in Romania (December 8) - When Commies were taken down.
  • Bill of Rights Day (United States) (December 15) - The Freedom of Religion, the right to bear Arms and 8 other amendments we forgot.
  • Christmas Day (December 25). -
  • Boxing Day (December 26) - observed everywhere else that's British.

edit Not solar, can fall in anytime.

  • Adolf Hitler's Birthday.
  • Confederacy Day.
  • May Day - NOT the Left-wing kind.
  • Odinismas.
  • Zuid-Afrikaaners Day.
The 12 Months of the Year:
January | February | March | April | May | June | July | August | September | October | November | December
Personal tools
projects