Viacom

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Revision as of 06:48, October 2, 2009

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Me, Sumner Redstone. I own this image, too. Now, bow down to me! © 2009 Viacom Inc.

“I own it.”

~ Viacom* on Everything

“In Soviet Russia, you hate VIACOM!!”

~ Russian reversal on Viacom*

“Don't get too cocky, Viacom!”

~ Wolf O'Donnell on Viacom*

“Viacom? More like VileCunt.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Viacom*

Viacom* is an evil corporation that is responsible for the destruction of teenagers, Black People, and the United States of America. The company is decicated to being greedy, creating quality entertainment, and canceling all the good shows and replacing them with crap. Viacom* is also the fascist ruler of the “free” world. It essentially owns everything and everyone. Even you. Even me. Even your mom. Viacom's* electricity is generated in sweatshops by making small dogs run on treadmills 24 hours a day. The treadmill concept is property of Viacom* and this information will be removed due to a copyright claim.

Hell, Viacom* even says it owns James Bond – and nobody owns James Bond, except for MGM. Don't you even believe what those other phony trademarks (which Viacom* just so happens to own) tell you.

Since 1972, Viacom's* headquarters have been located in New York City, in a windowless black skyscraper nobody ever enters or leaves.

Does Viacom* really own everything?

Yes, Viacom* owns everything. It owns the world, okay? There's a big friggin' stamp over Mexico that reads "This Planet is the Property of Viacom, Inc." We, meaning I, Sumner Redstone, own it all. Well, except Emperor Kylapharos. But he's allied with Princess Zelda, Stephanie of LazyTown, Ian Hawke and Dr. Two-Brains. So we have nothing to worry about from him. Hell, we even own Wal-Mart. It is also heard that Disney is teaming with us to CONTROL THE WORLD! But the only thing Viacom can't own is...................................................... BIONICLE.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Viacom.

And we brought back DreamWorks!

So, I'm not allowed to own Mexico?

No, not unless you work for Viacom*.

...Darn.

Yes, indeed. I'm so sorry to crush your dream like that.

Really?

YES.

Viacom* – A History

Once upon a time, I, Sumner Redstone, decided that there ought to be a conglomerate that owns everything in the entire world. So, he set up a company called HufferKitties Incorporated. Of course, everyone wanted to work there, since back in the 80s, everyone thought doing drugs and kitten huffing was cool, and so they all showed up just to breathe the factory's fumes and get high. Sure enough, all of those 80s kids are dead. Stupid 80s druggies.

After This Guy huffed one too many orange kittens, he fell victim to the ravages of I Must Get My Hideous Blood-Curdling Revenge on Everyone Syndrome and was placed in Intensive Care at the Hospital for the Kitten Huffing Addicted. Please help them. They need funds. They don't have any money to throw useless stripper parties for the insane doctors and nurses.

Soon, I took over the company and became very very rich and successful, and changed the name to Viacom*, so now I own both Mexico AND you. Teh total pwnage.**

But I don't own General Electric anymore.

YouTube legal case

A visual representation of the legal case.

Viacom* is suing Google, owner of YouTube, for $12 jillion (the word 'jillion' is © Viacom*) because their content was plastered over youtube and viewers could watch it for free without actually watching Viacom channels. Everyone was happy, but Viacom being the greedy bastards they are pulled down all the videos from youtube and demanded that if anyone wanted to watch their crappy shows they had to watch it with commercials. Being the evil greedy parasites that Viacom decided to violate privacy laws and view all of YouTube users' names, passwords, IP addresses, video viewing habits, favorites, PIN numbers, mother's maiden names, bank account numbers, sort codes, credit card numbers, expiry dates and favorite sandwich fillings. On July 14, 2008, Google told Viacom* to fuck off, and that they would nobly die to the last man in an epic standoff before tarnishing the sacred anonymity of Internet thieves and pirates everywhere. NFFS (Nerds For Free Stuff) raised a rallying cry, and vowed on their Ancestors to add 3,000 heavy cavalry and 87 squads of GTA fanatics to the fight. Viacom*, realizing that if they wanted to get any cash at all (and not have their corporate buildings burned to the ground) they'd better leave the mob of angry civilians alone, decided to agree to a compromise and backed down like the pussies they are, and let Google withhold private user data. Google is still taking it in the ass for us though, and there'll probably be some employees fired over this whole whiny-bitch mess.

A heavily-abridged list of things Viacom* owns

Viacom owns Kenan and Kel. © 1996 Viacom Inc.

Laura Wilson owns a Ford Pinto.
© 2009 Viacom Inc.

Yates Anscell owns a stick.
© 2009 Viacom Inc.

• The World
• You
• Life
• The Universe
• Swiss Cheese
• Everything
• Really Big Tree
• God
• The Devil
• Everyone on the Internet
• The copyright symbol (©)
• Oxygen (O₂)
• Ice Cream
• Iraq
• Myst
• Soup
• Jesus
• Eggs
• Spam
• CBS (Redstone still owns it, but it's run by his lackey Les Moonves, who is just as evil)
• The CW
• Republican Party
• Democratic Party
• Mexico
• Fairy World
• Your frontal lobe
• "Weird Al" Yankovic
• Barack Obama
• Josh Server
• Chuck Norris
• O RLY
• YA RLY
• NO WAI
• SRSLY
• Your right thumb
• Your left-hand index finger
• Viacom*
• The Empire of the Evil Marching Band
• Kittens
• People
• This Guy
• That Guy
• That Gay
• Valda Fencott
• Melissa Fry
• Wal-Mart (the only corporation more evil than them)
• Rede Globo
• Claude Speed
• Uncyclopedia

Kenny Rogers's face ™ and © Viacom

• Kenny Rogers's face
• The Geico caveman
• That hyper kid over in the corner
• The Llama Song
• Dumpster
• Your mom
• Zordon
• Alpha
• Power Rangers
• The V of Doom
• SpongeBob Squarepants
• Nickelodeon
• The Santa Monica Pier
• VH1
• BET
• You
• Capitol Records
• Your Uncle's Microwave
• The U.S. Constitution
• The full list of everything Viacom* owns.
• Neopets***
• Sonic the Hedgehog
• Sega
• That dead guy in your garbage can
• 700 Club
• Nintendo
• Various pro-censorship and anti-censorship groups alike
• Cookies
• Scientology
• World War I
• World War II
• Cotton gin
• Bret Michaels
• Menards
• Canterbury Park
• Seattle Seahawks
• Minnesota Wild
• Turner
• Ted Turner
• Timmy Turner
• CNN
• CNNNN
• Tiburon Entertainment
• Panther Caluroso's fierce rose
• Leon Powalski's residence
• Ian Hawke's recording studio (a.k.a his secret lair)
• Dr. Two-Brains' secret lair
• Hamilton Horstachio's necklace
• Tyrranicus Enterprises (as founded by Tyrannicus Tiger, of course!)
• Allegra's swamp
• Harry and Horrible's motorcycles
• Republic Pictures
• News Corporation
• YouTube (eventually)
• Mama Luigi
• Google
• GTA III
• Newgrounds
• Last and least, Encyclopedia Dramatica

V of Doom

V of Doom © 1976 Viacom Inc.

At the end of about every freaking show Viacom owns, the "V of Doom" appears. It is a device created by Satan to shorten people's lives. Exposure to the V of Doom may cause mental retardation, Down's Syndrome, indigestion, seizures, a strong urge to go to Hell, nightmares that paralyze you, and anything else but happiness, satisfaction, etc. The V of Doom consists of a giant blue V zooming up on a green background and "A Viacom Presentation. Remember, we hate you." zooms in to a 5-note horn tune composed by Philip Glass. Once the "V" stops zooming in, your TV screen can (and will) break. Fortunately, it isn't as common nowadays, but when it was common, it, its creators, and its composer were deemed not responsible for damage to TVs by a panel of Viacom's* lawyers.

A list of good shows currently on the air owned by Viacom

Nah.

A list of less-than-stellar shows currently on the air owned by Viacom

• South Park
• The Naked Brothers Band
• The Real World
• Unfabulous
• Mr winkler is GAY (the top-rated show on Nick Jr.)
• The Sopranos (airing in heavily-edited reruns on Nickelodeon during TeeNICK)
• The Twilight Zone
• Kenan and Kel
• Invader Zim
• Drawn Together
• The Simpsons
• Futurama
• Robot Chicken
• SpongeBob SquarePants

Music

Paramount Music Group**** is Viacom's* music arm. Viacom* has reunited once again with Capitol Records (as part of Capitol Music Group, it joins in its subsidiaries). Examples of the best Paramount Music Group**** has to offer:

Conclusion

You will never own the universe, because Viacom* already does. It is possible, however, that someday I'll hire you to work for Viacom*.

Really?

NO.

Footnotes

* Viacom is a trademark of Viacom. See Viacom*.

** Viacom reserves the right to lie about everything, nothing, all of this article, none of this article, you, the grue that's about to eat you, your mom, and anything else that we can think of.

*** Neopets is a trademark of Viacom. Viacom is a trademark of Viacom. See Viacom*.

**** Paramount Music Group is a trademark of Viacom. The music videos are trademarks of their owners Viacom.

Copyright

Copyright © 2010 Viacom International, Inc. VIACOM, CBS, MTV, VH1, YOU, your mom, Nickelodeon, 4Kids TV, James Bond, Barney, Neopets, Teletubbies, Burger King, McDonald's, Wendy's, I'm Lovin' It, GOD, the Universe, Satan, and all related titles, logos, and characters are trademarks of Viacom International, Inc. All Rights Reserved. ALL of them.