“"I created man as an image of myself, but when it came to women, I hit her between the legs with an axe"”
“"Have you ever parked your bike... in an airplane hangar?"”
“"Its like throwing a hotdog in a hallway. Theres just nothing there"”
The Vagina (or more commonly known as 'the "Happy Hole"') is commonly considered to be small furry animal with possibly thousands of rows of razor-sharp, serrated teeth - capable of devouring large quantities of raw meat. The vagina has the distinction of being colloquially known as an "axe wound" in every spoken language on Earth. Also known as the thing-that-you-will-spend-nine-tenths-of-your-life-looking-for-but-never-getting.
Its primary justification is to give meaning to the existence of females, for the vagina was made to give pleasure to men (among no other things) and is the one main reason why men keep women around (aside from breasts).
Females were created to be a host to vaginas and sustain their lives by supplying oxygenated blood, and enable transportation to fresh kills of raw meat. Some experts claim the that the original intended use of the vagina (note: the orange ones fuck you up real good) was to steal any fresh kitten souls from men who've been huffing - which explains why the male becomes lethargic and the female energized after sex.
Professors of vaginology are commonly referred to as vaginarians, vaginalogists or vagiterians. That they may be called gynecologists is a vagination of clitorical proportion.
The most influential force in the known universe, the vagina is stronger than the five fundamental physical forces (gravity, strong and weak nuclear, electro-magnetic, Rayner Administration foreign policy) combined. the vagina is lined with razor sharp teeth . It is also very formidable, except Katie Rayner likes them. It is thought to be the portal to God (at least according to Katie Rayner). Approximately one-half of the terrestrial human population is afflicted by the mysterious force, while the other half spends the majority of their young adult lives trying to access it momentarily.
Vaginas sometimes have sex with their poop from the usual raw meat to include cheese, a change which transforms the creature into what is known as a "cheesy vagina." The vagina becomes more irritable after this transformation, and may indeed temporarily lose its appetite for raw meat entirely.
The term vagina also typically refers to cities, states or countries with the characteristics of a vagina. For example, Toronto, Ontario in the summer can be considered a vagina because it is hot (near body temperature), humid (90%+ relative humidity), smells like rotting garbage (unwashed), and additionally gives birth to all Canadian hubris (reproductive function). Similar conditions exist for countries such as Taiwan ROC and states such as Florida in the summer.
The world's leading expert on vaginology, Dr Condoleeza Rice, has suggested that the vagina's true purpose lies in the fabled "pussy fart", in which the vagina forces out a mysterious hydrocarbon gas capable of killing millions by means of hornification. Because of its overall deadliness, none have been able to analyse it in its entirety. All that is speculated is that if the atmosphere reaches critcal levels, massive horniness could be achieved and that in the case of such an event all men and homosexual females -- everyone who ever lusted after pussy -- will die. Vaginas are sometimes thought to have a mind of their own.
Although it generally controls all of their functions, females are occasionally able to overcome the force of the vagina and use it as a suctioning device, removing all property and monetary assets from any man that may be attached. This action is generally referred to as a pussywhipping, referring to Admiral H. T. Pussy, whose female's pussy actually grew bullwhips to remove the money from his wallet by force. Males who believe they may be in danger of a pussywhipping are advised to dangle a diamond, credit card, or pair of shoes in front of the vagina, in order to increase its strength over the female's mind and keep her placated.
If global trends continue as they are now, it is predicted that by the year 2037 the woman's vagina will reign supreme over all of civilization as we know it, in the rise of the second Woman Empire, Aristasia. Under the new administration, men will be used only for fertilization such as when a woman/vagina wants to have offspring or only if it/she is rather horny.
Men will be addressed simply by numbers, e.g. #2774890. Each man will have their own unique number and must send a request to the almighty vagina for their needs, such as new clothing or food of their own choice. The food they'll receive by default will be beer and steak and they will have daily activities such as watching porn or sports shows from the 90s, in a highly effective method to keep men from questioning the world around them.
Women will also have a vast amount of freedom to do as they please and have the privilege of not asking the supreme vagina. This freedom will be spent shoeshopping 24-7. The shoe industry will experience an unparallelled economic boom. Science and technology will fade away as women will be too busy trying on shoes.
If any man or woman defies the rule of the supreme vagina, they will be tortured and automatically thrown into the death chamber which lies deep within the supreme vagina herself and straight into the placenta. There, the victims will be squeezed to death and if still alive, they will drown in acidic amniotic fluids. Vaginas also produces the funniest phone number in the world.
However, without a radical restructuring in policy this empire is doomed to fail like the first one.
Many women attempt to censor their vaginas. The most common method, though generally discouraged by males everywhere, is to grow hair there. Alternatively, they can wear clothes. Many a man's preferred methods include burqas.
- Hillary Clinton's vagina is a very scary place. it eats small children and uses their bones to make the necks of vagina shaped guitars! (However, the Democrats deny its existence.)
- In some South American countries vaginas are known as chorros which is a Spanish word for the shellfish known to the rest of the world as mussels. Streetwalkers are known to frequently bathe their vaginas in salt water which helps keep their chorros fresh.
- Also, it should be noted, as it is important to know, that vagina is very hard to rhyme. It was successfully rhymed with words like Sa-brina, sublime-aaahhhhhhhh, lima, and Regina.
- Vaginas require significant maintenance with specialized tools. Maintenance is typically conducted on a monthly basis. Should you note a string hanging from a vagina, your best bet is to leave it alone. Better yet, leave the woman attached to it alone, as well.
- Vaginas are one of the most common storage places on the human body. Bottles, luggage, lettuce, hand grenades, beer and semen are a few of the things that women have been known to keep in their vaginas. Spare change may also be kept in them when the piggy bank does not have any remaining capacity.
Pope Benedict XVI's Address on the Existence of the Vagina
With more questions being asked daily and public pressure mounting, during his 2008 visit to the United States, Pope Benedict XVI spoke publicly for the first time regarding his stance on the existence of the vagina. The statement is as follows:
...and finally to my subjects:
In recent months, so-called 'authorities' have been fueling the public imagination with unwarranted speculation on the vagina. It is God's will that the subject of the vagina is not to be explored, and is not supposed to be questioned. We shall know in due time, once God tells us what it is for. Man may question or even speculate on the purpose of the vagina, but no conclusions should be drawn unto its origin. I do not have a vagina, nor have I ever seen one. I'm not even sure if I have a butthole or not. We must not question God's motives on the existence of the vagina. If anyone here now has ever seen a vagina, please email me a picture at firstname.lastname@example.org. Rest assured that all these pictures will be forwarded personally to me for quick viewing.
God bless you, and may your life be free of freak Skil-Saw accidents.
- Barbara Bush
- Your Mom
- HowTo:Handle Flashing Your Vagina in Public
- That time of the month
- Peter Gabriel
- The Vagina Monologues
- Lisa Simpson
- Lindsay Lohan
- Oscar Wilde
- Tommy Lee Jones ultimate lover of vaginas