All good things must come to an end, and so, apparently, must everything else, as Pee Week successfully concluded on Tuesday of this week, having encouraged users to complete a whole 23 reviews! This mammoth undertaking means that it now takes only 10 minutes to scroll to the bottom of the Pee queue, and truly showcased the difference the promise of a special template can bring. One of the competition rewards is a "write-up" for the winner in the UnSignpost about "Their general awesomeness". Despite having attempted to explain that we don't do nice write-ups here and offering to publicly rubbish the families and friends of the winner instead, we eventually agreed to provide said write-up in return for a week's supply of Lion Bars. I mean, Lion Bars! I didn't even know you could get them in shops any more! If you break them in half it's like a Lion's Mouth, I mean it's like "ROOOOAR"!
Anyway, so as we sat down, with a week's supply of Lion Bars, no less, to prepare this "glowing write-up" (which we were only doing because we got free Lion Bars). We thought it might be prudent to find out who had won Pee Week, and it turns out that the big winner is Frosty. Well, not really; we're the real winners because we got free Lion Bars. However, assuming success is not measured in Lion Bars (which it is), Frosty has indeed won.
Frosty is a truly spiffing chap whose ability to Pee is only surpassed by his ability to eat Lion Bars; we do after all have a week's supply of Lion Bars so we could afford to share some with him. Frosty completed 6 in-depth reviews over the course of Pee Week, all of which we are sure were thoughtful, interesting and well-written. When asked to comment on his success, Frosty had this to say: "Well of course, it wasn't about the rewards and recognition, it was about- are those Lion Bars?"
All the other people we interviewed about Frosty all told us he was fantastic, but he was quickly forgotten when our interviewees discovered that we had a sack full of Lion Bars with us and they only lapsed into further raptures of joy when we revealed that you can snap Lion Bars in half and roar. There you have it: Frosty is pretty awesome for winning Pee Week, but not quite as awesome as a week's supply of Lion Bars.
Editor's note: Whether or not this is considered a "glowing" write-up is neither here nor there; we have an expert (kindly referred to us by the good people at Lion Bars) who is prepared to testify that this story is 200% more cheerful than usual. The editor would also like to thank everyone who was involved in Pee Week for their hard work in helping to clear the Pee queue.
You all love the forums right? Of course you do; everyone loves a good shout (IN CAPS!) and a spot of drama. So this week the UnSignpost has checked out the forums to tell you what is really going on on Uncyclopedia. First up is the most important news - the Poo Lit Surprise started on Tuesday and we have dispatched our roving reporters to the competition in order to interview participants, write stories and other journalistic stuff you wouldn't understand. We understand that the competition is expecting record turnout this year, with six articles submitted at the time of going to press. Six! Next you'll be telling us that people vote on VFP more than once every six months and that more than two people know how to use the new abuse filter.
The other fascinating topic in the forum is that of the sidebar. You see it there at the side? Well that's the sidebar, clue's in the name. Basically Lyrithya thinks the sidebar is unacceptable; there are just too many links on it. The solution? Voting and lots of it; with 45 voting headers in the forum at the time of going to press, even Uncyclopedia's mostavidvoters will be able to get their daily voting fix here. The UnSignpost invites users to go over and create their very own voting header and vote for that as that seems to be exactly what everyone else is doing. Assuming Uncyclopedia hasn't disappeared in some kind of voting singularity by next week, the UnSignpost will be here to explain to you exactly what is going on with the sidebar, something which at the moment is being shaped almost solely by Mattsnow, Aimsplode and TheHappySpaceman, with occasional input from Zombiebaron and Socky. We don't think we need to explain to you why this is not right.
08:32, September 17, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Joebloe334 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (Wait, I don't get it. Don't your poorly-manicured enormous Jew claws hurt the black men's enormous dongs? Eh. To each their own, I suppose.)
11:55, September 18, 2011 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked PuppyOnTheRadio (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 324 seconds (saw you on Twitter, existing. This riled me. So I'm banning you. Fair?)
09:23, September 15, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked David 1981 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (I hope you realize that 95% of computers come with a free version of solitare)
15:01, September 19, 2011 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (U MAD @ HAVING NOTHING IN YOUR LIFE ONLY TIRED INTERNET MEMES AND A TOTAL LACK OF CREATIVITY WHICH YOU MASK WITH YOU PATHETIC ATTEMPT AT TROLLING, BRAH?)
Well, as you all know, the UnSignpost has a very special place for Biopic of the week, namely somewhere that isn't in the UnSignpost. As for the last two weeks we have avoided biopicing an actual person, preferring to biopic chairs, dogs and a picture instead. Well, no more, because this week we are taking a closer look at TheSlyFox. He's been around since 2006 but didn't pick up his first ban until this year which, we believe, means he is a troublemaker, a villain and a cad. All people of quality are banned within their first year. Worse, he didn't subscribe to the UnSignpost until this year either. He has written a few articles and his greatest achievement is the creation of this template.
Truly this man is the greatest mystery Uncyclopedia has to offer; nobody knows who he is or what he does, but one thing's for certain: if he isn't nominating your favourite images to be burned in Forest Fire Week, he's quietly working away at an article or voting on the voting pages. You know, just like you should all be doing. Good work, TheSlyFox, but we want at least two featured articles before December or we're removing the second paragraph of this biopic, don't think we won't.
To you know who you are: I still have your dog. I know I already said you won't ever see her again, but I've changed my mind - if you ever want to see her again, there is one thing you can do for me. Give me your other dog. Or a Lion Bar.
What's that you say? We can't possibly run a story on the Poo Lit Surprise for a third consecutive week? Well what on earth gave you that idea? No this story is about the other goings on on Uncyclopedia that certainly aren't the Poo Lit Surprise, which incidentally is happening at the moment. So for absolutely no real reason we called in to speak to Oliphaunte who we found crying his eyes out somewhere that most certainly wasn't the PLS. "It's just so unfair" he sobbed to our wholly unsympathetic reporters "I worked so hard and now on a technicality I have had two articles disqualified from the-" Unfortunately a huge Rhinocerous then appeared from nowhere and ate Oliphaunte before he could tell us what he had been disqualified from; much to the delight of our assembled reporters who could all now knock off work forty minutes early. However an interesting fact that we did dig up is that if Oliphaunte had been disqualified from the PLS, something which we can't confirm, it would make him the first Uncyclopedian to ever be disqualified from two separate PLS categories, for the same reason, in the same day. Ha ha ha, how embarrassing that would be.
It has also come to the attention of our editorial team that there is a worrying noob shortage on Uncyclopedia, how do they know this? They know this because on passing the PLS page on our way to... peace and quiets we happened to notice that there are currently no entrants for the best noob article category, something which any aspiring new users should take note of, since you need only churn out a piece of utter shite quality in order to scoop the prize and earn the adoration of your peers. For those who are interested in trifling, uninteresting and unrelated news, PLS articles are being accepted until the 4th of October so there is still ample time for you to pen some kind of hilarious article about a Dog called Dover who rides a cloud around the world and combats the environmental effects of Globalisation with a magical beret.
This story has been all about the PLS, we totally fooled you.
The headline says it all. The shame that we all should feel for the state of things and the location of that shame. This is the news that VFH hit a new and highly interesting low this week. All five of you who visited the page may well have noticed the banner at the top (which is gone now, in a transparent attempt to stop me having something else to ramble about this week) declaring that while we aren't short on articles that the community thinks are worthy of a spot on the front page, we are short of a community to confirm this. Well no we aren't it's just they are all very very busy. Frosty for instance is exceptionally busy creating and maintaining forums like this, while Aimsplode is still desperately flogging the deceased equine that is this... thing. Clearly these people are not to be distracted by the social niceties of voting and the creative process.
Another, much more interesting revelation this week came when TheHappySpaceman declared his hatred of "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" which polls show has recently become more popular among Uncyclopedians than www.pornforsadlonelybastards.com. We didn't bother asking him for comment, partly because laziness is next to Godliness but also because he hates ponies so is unlikely to find a group of journalists asking him for quotes about the same any more enjoyable. So there you have it, TheHappySpaceman hates ponies and nobody is voting on VFH. Truly these are the darkest of days.
19:27, September 24, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (If you're going to blank a page, just edit the entire page and remove everything. Doing it section by section is just silly.)
16:28, September 27, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Swagswagswag (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (One day for being chronically unfunny, the rest of it because I just don't like you. Your eyes are too close together.)
21:33, September 26, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month (Uncyclopedia is not for self promotion. Neither is Wikipedia, but I guess they haven't figured it out yet or something.)
18:42, September 23, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days (Let us have a massive rave covered in excrement. In fact I'm going to have one now. On my own. With glowsticks!)
Biopic of the Week
I kissed a lady once. On an unrelated note you should really check out Pup's userpage. It's pretty cool.
This periodical fully accepts and affirms that this is a cop-out. We just ate too many Lion Bars you see. I didn't even think that was possible.
Thing we should all know this week.
04:25 Uncyclopedia talk:Votes for deletion (diff|hist) . . (+8) . . Bizzeebeever (Talk|contribs) (RANT ALERT: Once again, fixing my broken signature, and hoping no one notices.)
sorry for the delay about the whole telling you the thing I promised to say. p.s. No ... you are not dying ... that is not what the whole thing is about. It's something else. --ShabiDOO 23:08, October 3, 2011 (UTC)
I can forgive you. Not a big problem. The only problem I had was that I thought I`m the loneliest cat in the world... TRhat no one`d care about me. I`m actually thankful that someone remembered the ex-n00b of the month-person by saying I`m not dead.
Well obviously people are getting sick of hearing about it (because ChiefjusticeDS has done nothing but blab about it for the past 3 issues, thus making it dull and boring by the time it is actually worth mentioning), but the bi-annual Uncyclopedia:Poo Lit Surprise is locked for judging and shall be until the 12th, when the winner will be announced!
I have to say, as a judge, there are some pretty aspiring, feature worthy works being displayed and it really bring out the best of Uncyclopedia. But then again, some works don't look like they are quite finished and the 2 weeks have simply flown past for some of the hopefuls. I am also disappointed that our n00bs where two n00bish to actually include any entries except for one, which has subsequently won without any effort. Anyway I'm pretty sure we know who has the best article and will therefore win the whole ordeal.
But really, what will become of all this? Further proof that all Uncyclopedians are a series of monkeys on typewriters? Or some top notch quality humor for the enjoyment of all and enough features to fill the queue until Christmas? Well I'm going to play it by ear, and wait until the judging part is over and done with. Because as far as I can see if our writers are as competent at our judges, there is no hope what so ever.
But this of course makes us all wonder where the hell the lad has been for the last couple of years, after all he only made a groundbreaking 6 edits in 2010. So why the hell has his sad domestic life become more important than us suddenly? Well the truth is, he's got a wife or something as far as I've been told told over IRC and so he is probably more preoccupied with the better things in life, rather than some sad little websites full of people who can't write to save their lives.
Oh yeah, because wikia is all bright 'n'all, we're going to be losing our talk pages for some fancy pants message walls kind of like facebook. Users have expressed outrage to this, in the form of angry forums, flame wars, letter bombs and urban terrorism. I don't blame 'em either, this is just plain unacceptable, I have a list there of people that owe me money!
07:37, September 30, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 300 seconds (Rasputin, bring forth the bucket of soapy frogs and remove his trousers)
08:01, October 2, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days (Nothing better than sitting down to a nice big plate of penis in the evening)
02:51, October 3, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Lollipop (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Wanted me deopped... )
01:09, October 6, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked PIGGY (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a frying pan. Yep. (I can see those button eyes. They might fool the people at the button club, but not me. I stopped going to that place years ago.)
04:21, October 6, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked An eggplant (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Lyrithya sock)
22:30, October 6, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Scofield (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (I'm sure your stay would have been more smooth if you tried as hard to contribute to the site as you do to vandalize it.)
Biopic of the Week
This week's biopic is Pee review. Many of you who participated in Pee Week recently have not done a review since then. Please get reviewing again, so that we don't have a huge back log to review and Lyrithya doesn't start flailing all over the place again. This writer has done one this month and plans to do another once he delivers the UnSignpost.
Dude, if you want to make a Primus or Claypool article or whatever other nutty ideas you might have, go do it! I honestly would like to help, but here's the problem: I'm a TERRIBLE writer. I know you said "something stupid" and "It could be anything", but I would still have a hard time even getting started. I've tried a couple of times to write an article, and it always ended with me deleting what little work I had done. I would come up with just vague ideas, try to assemble it, and realize that I hadn't the slightest clue how to transfer these ideas into words and not only have it be coherent, but FUNNY too. Hell, just last week I was inspired by the recent events of one of my favorite bands to try and make an article on them. I was sitting around just thinking about how it would end up looking and feeling like I really had something going. But then when I sat down and tried to make an outline of it, I hated what I had come up with it and just gave up. The same thing happened before with other subjects, except I actually had some material in my user space and even held onto it for awhile before deleting it.
I've actually made some "articles", but just look at them. The former
being a ripoff of a ripoff of a ripoff that's been done to death, while the latter perfectly exemplifies my love of simple minded and utterly stupid things. Are they any good? The first one sure as hell isnt't. The second one? Well, I'm an idiot who loves to amuse himself (being a recluse and all....), so hell yeah it's fucking hilarious to me. But to others? Maybe some freak out there thinks so, I don't know.
If you're serious about doing a Primus related article, I hope I haven't turned you off from doing so. I would really like to see one made! There used to be articles for both Primus and Claypool, but I think I ended up having them both deleted (because they both sucked (not in the Primus way, obviously) and because some asshole kept blanking them. I actually saved a section of the Claypool one though). If anything, I could help supervise or something, maybe provide some pictures, but in terms of writing the thing, I can't really help you there. Proofreading it, sure (even though my grammar sucks). Otherwise, the bulk of the work would have to go to you, unless you could get somebody else to help you out.
You know, it's pretty ridiculous that I just typed all of this out (and lingered on it for about an hour before posting it...). My writing sucks, but when I'm NOT trying to be funny (and failing miserably 99.9% of the time at it), I sure do like to ramble on. Sorry for wasting your time like this! I'm sure this wasn't a joy to read, but it's kind of something I had to get off my chest (or not, god what an ego AHAHAHA!!!). --Roman Dog Bird 06:31, October 18, 2011 (UTC)
Whee, there was a lot of words there. If you can`t write then, I`ll hope you`d do all that proofreading and stuff-thing you suggested. I`d really wish to see those things. I really do.
And I`ve seen those articles of Claypool and Primus. I watched them at mirror.uncyc, because I believe (and I`ve seen it many times,) that, by some mysterious way, if an article is deleted here, it somehows is moved to mirror.uncyc with no one touching it. And oh, that Claypool-writing of yours, I`m not sure of the text belowest, but the upper text is, I have to confess, is kinda funny. Claypool eating nachos... that`s a type of humour I may use. I laughed very mucho. So don`t scratch your head if I`ve used that somewhere on the possible article. But I wish, I truly wish, that if you have any kinds of ideas, please stuck them through my throat and watch while I`m suffering. I truly wish it. I suck at making pictures, winky wink.
Just when you thought my strange comment is over, I still have a part to... say. It seems you`re an administarator or something similar. How it`s possible to be an admin-thing if not writing much stuff? I mean, is it possible that I can be an admin, altough I`ve done nothing yet? Okay, I`ve written few shitty articles and been here just... umm... few months, but you`ve been there... a lot of time, so you have more respect. This may sound stupid, but I`m just curious. Smack me if you want. OMG!!!It`s Cat the Colourful,Jesus Christ!!! 12:30 18 October 2011
Oh my god, your collective modesty is making the whole community retch and gag. Im gaging so hard i have to fight to breathe. Between the two of you there is excelent writing, ideas, help and solid administration. I award you both the trianual medal for uncyclopedian awsomeness if you could just stop the self deprecation. :) :) :) --ShabiDOO 16:39, October 18, 2011 (UTC)
hahahaha, sorry about that dude. And Cat, as for why I'm an admin, I was just super helpful back in the day and was frequently cleaning up lame articles and had at least some involvement with the community (voting and whatnot). That's how I remember it, maybe if there's any other old timers, they can back me up on this. Writing really shouldn't ever have to be a requirement to be an administrator (I guess, I'm probably like the only one who hasn't written shit afterall), but it would probably help seeing how this is supposed to be a comedy site. I don't know. --Roman Dog Bird 16:56, October 18, 2011 (UTC)
Gasp...and now you are appologising...hahaha. I wasn't serious about the vomiting part. I just think theres a difference between saying "I try to write" or "Im not sure if my writing is any good" vs. "I suck" or "The worst idea ever". They can often be self fulfilling prophesies. Or maybe Im wrong and we should discredit ourselves all the time and aim for dissapointment. Im no longer sure. How can we know? Who can tell us? Who are we? Is anyone there? --ShabiDOO 18:21, October 18, 2011 (UTC)
You're awesome. Have I mentioned that lately? 1234~03:44, 23 October 2011
Over the past two weeks Uncyclopedia has been a dreary and empty place. Uncyclopedians flit through the corridors unseeing, unknowing, unfeeling, uncaring. The reason? The UnSignpost has missed two issues. Now the UnSignpost would like to apologise for this, we would like to say that it was because Capitalist demonstrators have been camped outside our offices demanding that we stop producing terrible material for nothing, but we cannot because they aren't. We don't even have an office so if that were true it would be something of an achievement. No it is the blight that has caused the fall of so many UnSignpost editors: laziness and life. Like the Grim Reaper in Final Destination they stalk you from the second you write an issue and then, when you least expect it, they strike all of a sudden you have priorities and you can't be arsed to complete any of them, which would be a problem, if you could be arsed to care.
But fear not normal service has now resumed and the UnSignpost will be making its way to talk pages again this Thursday, which should please all four of the people who are A: active enough to read the UnSignpost, B: Not members of the editorial team who have read it already and C: Haven't read it while it is being written.
The other big news from approximately two weeks ago is that the Poo Lit Surprise is finished, much to the delight of everyone. The big winners were of course Uncyclopedia and the creative process, there are no losers on Uncyclopedia after all, only the sad pathetic freaks who come in last. Of course they do not stand comparison to the biggest loser of all; the 11th Poo Lit Surprise chairperson ChiefjusticeDS who had quite a lot to say about the competition, happily we have managed to condense all of the 4 hour interview down to 8 words: "I was very glad to host the PLS".
The real winners, besides the creative process, Uncyclopedia, Jesus and Democracy, are listed here. Special mention must go to Black flamingo11 for winning both Best Article and Best Collaboration (with Lyrithya) and also for being the runner up in the Best Rewrite category. Black flamingo had this to say about his incredible success: "SQUAWK", you can also listen to his full reaction just here, he's in the third row, fourth from the right.
As assorted drama unfolds around our beloved Wiki, it should be noted that some people have foolishly returned to the site, passing up the opportunity for a lucrative career milking cows or watching sheep. They have returned, we assume, for the simple fun of writing funny articles, the fools.
Such bipolar candidates include everyone's favourite opiate Codeine. Try not to get his heart rate above 90 which, coincidentally, is his estimated age. His doctor told us in an exclusive interview that he may not make it if he so much as stands for more than 3 consecutive minutes, and that his obsessive "Anniversary" edits may hint as being a first grade of dementia. UnSignpost statisticians (yes really) have also calculated that this is the 15th time Codeine has returned to the wiki this year.
At the other extreme of the sanity spectrum. Nikau who came back to the wiki with a vengeance: clogging up Recent Changes, writing 4 articles at the same time while doing Pee Reviews and drinking around 40 cans of Red Bull per hour in order to keep up the frantic pace. It is believed that he edits the wiki on 3 separate computers at the same time: two with his hands and one with his toes. He would probably do even more if it would not mean that he would be persistently edit conflicting himself.
The community is really grateful for the return of such marvellous dinosaurs and decided to organize a Rhinoceros BBQ in their honour. Friday at <insert name here>'s house. Please bring your own dancing girls or we'll have to use Olipro and Mhaille again, and nobody has quite recovered after last time yet.
16:46, October 20, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 days (Not being Zombiebaron)
16:45, October 20, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 days (Not being Zombiebaron)
16:45, October 20, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (Not being Zombiebaron)
16:44, October 20, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 4 days (Not being Zombiebaron)
13:17, October 18, 2011 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) resurrected Mordillo (Talk | contribs) (It's because I'm a filthy Jew right?)
01:05, October 19, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months (Congratulations. Even though my web browser is a massive pile of slow right now, I have still managed to ban you. Doesn't that make you feel special?)
Biopic of the Week
Is this a pair of pants I see before me? It certainly is because this week the UnSignpost has shaped up, pulled it's finger out and gotten down to it in order to give HauntedUndies a thorough licking. But not in that way. For those of you who do not know HauntedUndies has been knocking about Uncyclopedia since May and in that time has proved himself a worthy UnNews reporter. Now we here at the UnSignpost are far too professional to get bogged down complaining about the lazy tossers who work over at UnNews and will simply say that if HauntedUndies enjoys bathing, not being racist and sleeping with ladies then he won't find very many friends over there. You've probably read some of his stuff if you are the sort of foul-mouthed bigot who enjoys UnNews. No disrespect to you HauntedUndies but it's like you're best friends with Hitler.
Now get out there and bring us more featured articles or you'll be very sorry indeed. Also we don't really hate the folks over at UnNews, so feel free to hang out there as much as you like, but don't come crying to us when you end up with some sort of infection.
Confessions from Recent Changes
"I'm a huge Tarantino fan. There, I said it." - Magic man
"This wiki has turned into shit. Please delete this account as I shall never be coming back here" - IsileK
"DURRR I JSUT DICSOVERED UNCYECLIPOEDIA OSCAR WILDE SOOOOOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!111" - Roman Dog Bird
Money, dosh, moolah, cash. It's the time of year when Wikipedia pastes a gigantic banner to the top of all of their pages hosting a link to an inspirational article penned by Wikia-Oberstgruppenführer Jimbo Wales (not to be confused with Uncyclopedian JimboTheKillerWhale). The text of this article usually runs along these lines: "Isn't Wikipedia wonderful? Yes it is. Now if you donate the small sum of £300 we can keep it looking nice and won't have to send it back to its parents in tiny pieces". This is an absolute disgrace. It's like they're holding Wikipedia to ransom; if I wanted to pay for information I'd move to Nazi Germany, assuming I had a time machine, obviously.
How does this affect us here on our own benighted wiki? Well, the logged-in among you may well have paused to examine the banner that has been pasted all over the site notice this past week, at least you will have done before you hid it and carried on with whatever it is you people do all day. Predictably Lyrithya, never one to be swayed by the crippling apathy of the Uncyclopedia userbase, has suggested that we all try and create our own banners. Evidently she isn't swayed by the crippling ineptitude of the Uncyclopedia userbase either.
Now we'll be brutally honest, the UnSignpost doesn't have a template critic and the current editorial staff aren't really sure how the UnSignpost itself works; we just fill in the boxes. However, as seasoned UnSignpost readers are no doubt aware, ignorance never stands in the way of good journalism, so having affixed berets to our monitors and incredibly condescending and disgusted looks to our faces, we decided to examine the submissions so far. First up is this one, which was made by Magic man in 2010, which brings a certain authority to the piece... we assume. However we simply cannot countenance the font, which makes it look like it was written by a spider on rollerskates. Go back and try again, Magic man, and get a haircut as well.
The next choice offering came from the pen of EpicAwesomeness, and here it is. We sat down with EpicAwesomeness so he could talk us through the allegorical significance of the piece: "Well, you know, it has Wikipedia in it, you know, because I was just like trying to capture the fact Wikipedia is in it, you know?" he droned at our slack-jawed reporter. "There's, you know, some italics to prove I'm, like, sophisticated, and some blood to show I'm deep, it's my blood, I like to be in all my work. The background is a mix of my-" Alas, the recording of the interview ends there to the sound of gagging and retching, so we can only imagine what the background of EpicAwesomeness's banner is a mix of. Lollipop's offering is this interesting piece which expresses his desire to sodomise dogs. On an unrelated note the UnSignpost dog will not be appearing in this issue.
The only other offering has come from an IP. We here at the UnSignpost are united in our delight at its subtlety and in raptures at its wit and elegance. Just kidding; the pictures are wrong, the text is wrong and I've never seen a template name so flawed. For your chance to critique the honest endeavours of other Uncyclopedians, visit the forum here. Or don't; visit the official page instead and remain untainted.
The forums have once again become the stage for what looks set to become one of the more exciting votes of the year. Thekillerfroggy has suggested that awards are becoming devalued when they are being handed out after voting from only one or two people. Naturally the solution is a quota of some sort, that or we drag the unused awards out to the square and beat them to death as an example to the others. This obviously comes as something of a blow to our plans to introduce an UnSignpost Editor of the Month award, which we wouldn't announce to anyone and would award to the most deserving amongst us every week until Judgement Day.
The vote appears to be getting some support, indeed the forum has gotten more votes in two days (8 at time of going to press) than Playwright of the Month has managed to accrue so far this year (5 at the time of going to press). This leads us to suggest that instead of implementing its recommendations we simply create a new award, Policy Changing Forum of the Month, since as Thekillerfroggy so eloquently suggests "If you build it they will come". And so they will, TKF, assuming of course that you're building some kind of wank machine.
The forum link is hanging about in the "Check out these pages" section, cleverly masquerading as a link. If you can't find your way to the correct forum with these instructions then we don't think you deserve to have a say. You big stupid-head.
00:14, October 29, 2011 Haydrahlienne (Talk | contribs) blocked A filthy jew (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite
04:03, October 29, 2011 MadMax (Talk | contribs) blocked SPREE SPREE SPREE SPREE (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Sorry, old chap... but you're proving quite the caterpillar in our buttermilk)
23:03, October 29, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS is a filthy jew (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (He's also a fantastic swimmer, and if you play your cards right then he just might coooome round for dinner!)
00:05, November 2, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (your resemblance to tom jones does not intrigue me)
19:37, November 1, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 weeks (Somebody needs a nap and some juice)
Biopic of the Week
Now we here at the UnSignpost don't often do requests; if we did, the editorial staff would have had to commit seppuku on no less than four occasions or would presently be suffering a lifetime of slavery on Cuban sugar plantations. However this week we will be addressing a complex and dynamic issue at the behest of Sycamore and Orian57. Namely, why aren't they in the UnSignpost more often and could we maybe consider putting them in the UnSignpost more often?
For the few of you who are unfamiliar with Sycamore he's the most newsworthy Uncyclopedian around. At least, that's what he told us. He's even more newsworthy than that guy over there, who seems to make it into the UnSignpost just about every other week. His past successes include being fae bonnie Scotland, being the writer of several featured articles and the adopter of several noobs. He hasn't been in the UnSignpost because he has been editing a little bit less and because when he is around he has generally been getting on with writing, voting and reverting, all things which will never get you into the UnSignpost. Ever.
Orian57 hasn't been in the UnSignpost because he's gay. He did have features on three consecutive days once, but that was so long ago all this was just fields.
This edition of the UnSignpost has an awful lot of them. Well done us.
Hey damn cat, do you still want a Pee Review on this? Wasn't it featured? If it wasn't featured and you still want a review, leave me a message on my talk page, I'll review it then with pleasure. Mattsnow 06:10, November 3, 2011 (UTC)
Sorry for the time it takes, I'm kinda busy, I'll do it soon... I hope! Mattsnow 01:23, November 7, 2011 (UTC)
There's plenty for the UnSignpost to talk about this week so, naturally, we have decided not to talk about any of it. Instead we are going to tell you about the issues, the real issues, the ones that they don't want you to know about. Issue number one is that the cabal chairperson for November: Zombiebaron has, and not everybody knows this, instructed the administrative body to ban everyone in the world. You can see that it's happening. I mean, does it not seem strange to you that every time there's some kind of vandalism at some point an administrator just happens to turn up? Are you with us? True anarchists should be sure to pick up their copy of "If you can't revert it, kick it to death" when it comes out on UnTunes.
Another issue that they don't want you to know is that we appear to have another VFS fast approaching, which for the experienced among you also means four weeks worth of UnSignposts following the VFS. This is news which pleases our editor greatly as it will just about take him through to the stage where he can fill at least half of every issue with mince pie banter and can continue to drop into a stupor every Thursday without fear of missing another UnSignpost. The page is a melting pot of passive aggressive wankery mixed in with pessimism. We won't be quoting any of it here unfortunately, our wankery license got revoked after we ran that Conservapedia issue.
Electrified mocha chinchilla has also hit the forums this week objecting to constant changes to the site notice. Something which should be secondary in importance to the fact that the vast majority of the userbase don't seem to have noticed, clearly we need a new site notice, possibly one that sits in the middle of the screen and runs away when you try to close it.
Lyrithya has closed her fund-raising forum, having raised no money whatsoever, this correspondent isn't quite sure whether she understands what you when you fund-raise, and also would like to suggest she runs a car wash next time she wants to raise some cash. She closed the forum by saying "Thank you all for your efforts. Unfortunately blah blah blah...". Disgruntled banner creators are strongly encouraged not to hunt Lyrithya down and "Gut her like a stuck Pig", but obviously if such a thing were to happen it would not only provide great publicity for the wiki, but also would provide UnSignpost material for at least three months.
On the topic of UnSignpost material, the editorial team would like to celebrate an entire year at the helm of the UnSignpost. A year, over the course of which, only two issues have been missed. Thanks must go to Frosty, Lyrithya and anyone else who picked up the slack on weeks when the editor wasn't doing the job he should have been. Thanks also to the subscribers, without you we'd just be sticking this on Mhaille's talk page every week. I'm so pleased to have been a part of this that I've bought you all this small box of chocolates, to share, and I've bought myself this giant golden Camel because... well... I need it.
There is a group of people, cool people. These cool people do cool things like collaborate on articles monthly and... well, actually, that's all they really do. But they're cool while doing it! These cool people are so very cool that they have a section on the main page devoted to them and their very own Uncyclopedia: namespace page. I know what you're thinking, "Who are these people, and where can I get one of their autographs?" Well, I'll tell you. These cool people that I'm referring to are the gang over at Imperial Colonization (That's right, kids, I'm on the list. One at a time, please. Don't worry, everybody, I have enough ink to sign everyone's foreheads and babies and such).
Unfortunately, a terrible thing has happened to the cool kids at IC. Their section on the main page has ben hidden away between <!------------ ------------------------------ -->'s, their Uncyclopedia: namespace page hasn't been edited since July, and, worst of all, dare I say it? Their coolness has worn off. I know, it's pretty bad. Now that the IC crew is lacking in coolness, they haven't been seen collaborating on an article together in months and they've been having the same vote since October... in 2010. The situation is starting to get dire.
We here at the UnSignpost are far too lazy to actually interview anybody, so we just decided to try and interview ourselves. But we kept missing our appointments, with ourselves. We wanted to interview Chief, but he was far to busy with "real life" to talk to us on the matter, whatever that means. We tried interviewing Magic man, but he wouldn't talk to us about IC because he said, "If you talk to yourself, you'll get people to think you're crazy." What a weirdo. And we didn't even bother contacting Frosty because we don't like him. So when all was said and done, the only actual person we interviewed wasn't even alive at the time. It was Zombiebaron, and I bet you can guess what he said. However, if we had interviewed anybody who had more that one word in their vocabulary, we imagine some of those words might be words like 'bad', 'unacceptable', 'disappointing', and maybe even, *Gulp*, 'uncool'.
So Imperial Colonization, if you're reading this, this is a call to action. Go finish that vote that's been going on far too long now, and collaborate on an article, already! That's right, you know what I'm talking about, I'm talking about getting my your cool back.
23:59, November 7, 2011 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ("small dick in his pants that is purple with green.")
12:59, November 5, 2011 MadMax (Talk | contribs) blocked I will blank moar pages (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (What's this button do? Whoops!)
01:01, November 6, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (SUCK COCK SUCK COCK SUCK COCK SUCK COCK)
04:51, November 5, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (i'll lemony you right in the snicket)
18:19, November 3, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (Claims to be a tor exit node)
01:40, November 4, 2011 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (It's meant to be BS, numbnuts; it's a comedy site. lrn2read.)
Biopic of the Week
His name is Iwritewhatiwant. Possibly. We aren't sure and neither is he/she/it. Naturally the UnSignpost completed all the necessary research to write a biopic and certainly didn't have to keep refering back to his userpage while writing. He of the strange username joined us at the start of September and now as he enters his third month one thing has become clear to all of us. He doesn't want to write anything all that often. Oh the raptures we slip into when he touches his quill to the parchment and makes words appear, the prose, the paragraphs, the lack of vowels... it's something to behold.
His achievements have included beating Rcmurphy to Noob of the Month, scooping the Best Noob Article in the PLS and molesting anybody who comes within 6 feet of him. We went through about 17 correspondents to get this biopic, the rest of them are probably locked in a warehouse somewhere being forced to writewhathewants. In which case the joke is on him since most of them can barely speak, let alone write. So congratulations Iwritewhatiwant you are officially an evil, slave-driving freak of nature and that's why we love you.
This begs the question: With all of these innovations to make life here on Earth so luxurious, why the FUCK have we not invented WIDER FUCKING HALLWAYS?! The ongoing battle with the narrow hallway continues to be fought by us hard-working civilians, day after day, and doesn't look to have an end in sight. This fight is not only against the severe crampedness of such passages, but against the barrage of personages we are forced to encounter walking through them every day. Read the full report here.
Newsroom UnTune of the week (Anniversary Special!)*
Now it would be very easy for the UnSignpost to devote yet another issue of the year to covering the VFS and the voting on the same, the interviews with the candidates, the scores, the numbers, the lunches with the bureaucrats, and Sycamore shaking his head slowly as he despairs at the futility of it all.
So we will.
It's VFS time again! Voting was opened on Sunday by Zombiebaron with a pair of massive scissors. As he prepared to cut the ribbon he turned to the assembled masses and, wiping a tear from his eye, announced, "Zombiebaron"; naturally the crowd went wild. The early nominations flooded in: everyone who was anyone seemed to garner a nomination, as well as several peoplewho aren't people at all. Two users have distanced themselves from the pack: Black flamingo11, the noire gregarious wading bird who has captured Uncyclopedia's imagination with his endless flows of witty prose and his avoidance of all forms of drama, has stacked up twenty-two fresh crispy votes. In order to best sum up his thoughts on being nominated, we've decided to hack up anything he has said on the VFS page and arrange it into a more suitable order: "What a nice old man his socks are. I would make a terrific admin. I'm my first choice." You heard it here first and, hilariously, so did he.
The other contender is Romartus, with twenty votes. Uncyclopedia's voting machine and general history boffin had this to say to the UnSignpost: "Perhaps too young. Excellent." He probably isn't a paedophile but if you are concerned, then why not write to us at: "Save The children, The UnSignpost". We'll get them, by which we mean your letters, not the children. Other contenders are Frosty with seven votes, PIGGY with nine and Sycamore, who has eight. As VFS hurtles towards its final round, we here at the UnSignpost are on the edge of our seats and we hope you will be too.
The other news is that it is once again time for the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball, described by liars as "A celebration and carnival of sublime writing" and by others as "A wretched hive of scum and villainy". Ringmaster Host of the competition for this year is Mhaille, who has started a forum asking for judges. Judging is fun and improves your sex life in 94% of cases, so why not get involved?
Eyes forward everyone! It's all about to kick off!
Discussions began in the forum this week. Well of course they did, after all that is what a forum is for. However one particular discussion is over the removal of the rule against nominating your own articles for VFH without a pee review. Uncharacteristically for a discussion on Uncyclopedia about an aspect of Uncyclopedia, everyone appeared to be in agreement. The brains behind the idea, if brains is the right word, is Uncyclopedia's very own deputy innovator Lyrithya, who would like nothing more than to see the good ship Uncyclopedia sink below the ocean of crap because Uncyclopedians were far too busy hanging their appalling articles off it to notice this analogy breaking down. Unsportingly the forum was started the day before the UnSignpost was due to be delivered last week and thus everything that we have said so far is hideously out of date. The rule has already been removed and no, we didn't want your opinion; you'd have just slowed progress down with your so-called "questions" and "concerns".
The other news for this week is that Zombiebaron has figured out how to raise our edit count by over 9000! His solution is to simply delete 15,000 articles by Christmas because... well, because it would be tremendous fun. Also because Dr. Skullthumper, who isn't a real doctor, made some statistics that showed that we had most edits when we had 15,000 articles, so deleting 15,000 to bring us back to around 15,000 will, logically, produce more edits, mostly, we fear, from people complaining that we have deleted 15,000 pages without asking. Anyone wishing to participate in Zombiebaron's Time Travelling Article Removal and Edit Count Revival Event (that's easy to remember because it spells TTARECRE) should assemble, with their time machines, a week last Tuesday to be given their instructions twenty minutes earlier.
From our logs Under user bans the other admins special!):
08:16, August 22, 2011 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked RAHB (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 132 seconds (in my country, it is a tradition that on the penultimate monday of august, we ban someone with an allcaps name. a bit obscure, but there you go.)
12:49, June 19, 2011 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 132 seconds (you are my all-time favourite fascist dictator)
15:17, April 6, 2011 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 30 seconds (why hello there, handsome)
07:48, January 29, 2011 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Rcmurphy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 23 seconds (who the fuck are you, and what makes you think you can "write" an "article", eh?)
10:28, December 25, 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 143 seconds (Merry thing you don't celebrate old chap! Hope the presents you didn't get would have been fantastic!)
10:33, December 15, 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Chronarion (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 119 seconds (A man, a plan, a canal, and then you filled in the canal with silly-putty.)
09:31, December 1, 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 weeks 4 days 5 hours 6 seconds (*looks through ban log* - dear god, I've never banned Zombiebaron, he must feel so left out! I must rectify this at once.)
Memorial of the Week
By now you have probably heard the terrible news, or at least seen the huge black manhole cover hats he made us all wear. Under user has left the fold and ventured onward to pastures new. Under user came into this world on the fifth of July 2007 and since then he has written articles, pee reviewed more articles than you have ever read , edited the UnSignpost for months on end and chopped more potatoes than the Irish ever did. The esteemed Under user requested that his administrator status be removed earlier this week and Thekillerfroggy generously excused him from the farewell de-bagging in the canteen. He has stated his intention to continue reading the featured articles which, to be honest, makes him more active than most of the active users. Confusion also reigns over the fate of the annual mince pie race, which, without its founder and annual winner, may not take place, much to the disappointment of all three of the competitors.
Perhaps someday UU will return and change our lives once again, perhaps not; regardless the UnSignpost wishes him all the best in whatever it is he does in real life and reminds him that he still owes us £4.70 in tea and biscuit money.
Well here we go again: VFS has reached ROUND FOUR!! The excitement on the wiki was palpable and here at the UnSignpost we could barely contain ourselves. Now while we usually compare the need to meet a deadline every Thursday for every week of our lives to being slowly lowered into a vat of acid without the benefit of being Batman first, this week we were whisked out of the vat before the worst could befall our dynamic duo. Thus we began to plan for the UnSignpost as far back as Monday. Monday! It was as though our prayers had been heard by a God whose power only manifests via consensus on humour wikis. So another VFS has been delivered to us and as the top candidates have been selected, we will now judge and belittle them for your amusement and our own perverted satisfaction.
Black flamingo11: Bursting through to the third round of VFS in first place is Black flamingo11, whose cunning tactic so far has been to make absolutely no comment at all regarding the VFS. We're sure some kind of snivelling "Thank you so much for voting for me, it's good you did because I completely deserve this" message will wing its way to your talk page. We sat down with him to establish just what he thought being an admin might be like: "It's the cash I look forward to the most!" he enthused as we queued at his local soup kitchen, "I mean sure I enjoyed doing things just to be helpful, but if there wasn't cash in it for me somewhere, it'd just be pointless!". Thank goodness he isn't just in this for the money or he'd be so incredibly disappointed.
Romartus: So close on Black flamingo's heels into the third round that it's a good job he's wearing such baggy trousers is Romartus. Besides voting for everyone who isn't himself in the second round he has also made very little comment on the VFS, but expect no comment from him regarding your support or how much he appreciates it. Why? Because he is actually a very sophisticated robot who thirsts for the destruction of unwitting humour wikis like this one. We didn't need to talk to him; after all, robots don't have feelings, so fuck you Romartus! You'll never find our office.
The other top story this week is that the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball has begun. The judges are in place and the competitors are poised on the blocks. Any moment now they'll write an article and run down to the other end, some three hundred meters from the starting line, there they will leap as far as they can into the sand. We assume. Otherwise there is absolutely no need for this competition to be taking place on a running track and I am utterly mystified as to why I've been handed this starting pistol and why Shabidoo has those flags. If this seems like your idea of a good time, the competition is open until the third of December though please bring pants: "The next person who arrives without pants will be disqualified," said competition host Mhaille yesterday. "This competition has the potential to be very exciting and we don't want anyone getting the wrong idea, or getting splashed."
Just a quick word to announce the imminent arrival of two fun festive traditions additions to Uncyclopedia. Normally Under user is the benevolent king of Uncyclopedia's Christmas time and he presides over the jollities like a strange old man presides over a children's playground, however this year Under user failed his annual admin re-qualification tests (apparently he took more than 10 seconds to punch out the baby) and thus cannot host ANYTHING any more. True story. Because of this, the annual mince pie scoffing competition will be relocated to the user page of ChiefjusticeDS. If you have a taste for those delightful Christmas treats then feel free to join in. The competition will begin on the 1st of December and it must be stressed that pies scoffed before that date are so-called "Training Pies" and will not count towards your total. The ban patrol-ho-ho may or may not return depending on the financial climate.
06:01, November 17, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (Wank wank wank. Boy I sure do love to wank. Can I wank on you? I think I will. I don't require your permission. WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK...)
19:30, November 16, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days (Panic at the dildo! It's funny because dildo sounds a bit like disco, is a funny word and it's a sex thing!)
12:33, November 19, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked JAF1999 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (Wow, you're either really stupid or you're a really lame troll. Probably both, coming to think of it.)
21:17, November 22, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 12 hours (You're doing undictionary wrong, I didn't think that was possible)
02:51, November 16, 2011 MadMax (Talk | contribs) blocked Wearetheworld (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (cool story, bro)
12:53, November 23, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (I seem to be under-represented in this week's UnSignpost. You should remedy this.)
Biopic of the Week
In the biopic this week is HELPME, and we'll begin with this quote from his userpage: "I used to be full of shit, humorless, stupid, uptight, and annoying. Now I am slightly less of those things." What a nice man, a liar, but a lovely man nonetheless. Arriving on Uncyclopedia at the start of 2010, HELPME became well-known for his hyperactive page editing, article reviewing, outrageous gaying and recent changes patrolling. All this earned himself a whole stack of shiny goodies, several death threats and the acclaim of all. This was all splendid and lovely. BUT THEN CAME THE DARKNESS. It corrupted his soul and made him simultaneously world-wise and world-weary, now happiness is "Fucking square, man" and hyperactive page editing "Shits for the birds, man".
However this hasn't rendered him incapable of doing the thankless busywork we know he used to love so much. Welcome back, HELPME, now get to work; the drainage ditch under Olipro's desk won't drink itself. Make haste, my jacuzzi water grows tepid.