UnBooks:Travels Through the Tropics

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Oh, the tropics. Such lovely weather, there. Of course, the perpetual downpours get a bit monotonous. And there is that uncomfortable humidity. Not to mention the.....DUUUUUURRRRRRGGGGHHH

My assistant, Jedworth Introspeckles, who had become my latest patient, sat before me, shivering in the heat and sweating as profusely as an excessively rotund, hairy man after a vigorous round of jumping jacks. "What seems to be the problem?" I asked.

"I have malaria," he said. This I knew, was preposterous. This was the tropics, and we had been inoculated from the disease with the best flu vaccines money could purchase! Clearly, this man was insane, and I'd have to diagnose his dementia.

"Hmmm," I said. "Any discoloration of the stools, of late?"

"No," he responded. "But my pee has been brown. That's one of the symptoms of malaria."

Oh, he was good, but I knew I was better. "Has anyone been following you?"

He stared at me in disbelief. "Of course not! What does that have to do with my malaria?"

"It could have lots to do with your malaria." I used aerial quotations to express my sarcasm, then moved on to my diagnosing his blatant insanity. "Any thoughts of violence?"

"I'm thinking some about you right now..."

"What about suicide?"


"Do you ever have the unexplained desire to burn things?"


"Do you ever hear voices when nobody is around?"

"Yes," he said thoughtfully. "When I become delirious from the fever caused by my malaria!"

It had become painfully clear. This man was insane. "Well, you've obviously got malaria," I said, sarcasm dripping from my voice, as sarcasm is often very beneficial to the insane. "We'll treat your malaria (here I again used the sarcastic aerial quotations) right away." I reached into my pocket and pulled out a large syringe of beaver tranquilizer. This man was clearly a danger to himself and to others as long as he remained so insane, and I intended to subdue him. "Now this won't hurt a bit," I said calmly. Then I flicked him on the nose. "See, that didn't hurt at all, did it? This injection is gonna hurt like a bitch, though." With that, I administered a very liberal dosage of the horse tranquilizer, and his "malaria"(See again how I use these sarcastic quotations? Ha ha ha!) problems were all but over.

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