From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
.¸¸.•´¯`» gods birth
god was born in heaven (in the 1st century)...where is this heaven you say? well heaven is about 50000 ft above us (thats just a guess) heaven is also the greatest sexual pleasure!...but this is about god..not sex...well its not about sex yet...because god wasnt born to two people....god just jumped up from the center of earth...after the big bang! (this believed to be god flying towards earth in a giant meteor!) thus god was born!...and then god created heaven! although it is believed that god fought with a bunch of angels to create heaven, this being known as the ancient days, in which after god defeated the angels, the arch-angel gabriel (it is believed women were created in gabriels image and man was created in gods image) went to god and persuaded god (it is now known through sexual pleasures and desires...((this being the real way Jesus was born))that the angels should be allowed to live somewhere, thus the city of angels
.¸¸.•´¯`» god as a youngling
after fathering Jesus at the age of 6 and experiencing sexual pleasures and creating violence (in the case of gabriel angels dont age! so ha! its not considered as wrong...especially seeing as angels are HOT!! sex machines! all angels are roughly 24 this is when they're at their most beautiful and sexual prime! ^_^ )god decided to keep the angels in line by creating something called WAR! (WAR was created because god needed something more entertaining in life rather then hours and hours of passionite sex with gabriel) god waged war on manythings...for example god decided to create a place called hell...so he could have a vacation home ( god having 2 children and 1 wife ) obviously needed time by himself with the demons who evolved in hell!
.¸¸.•´¯`» gabriels favourite son
.¸¸.•´¯`» Jesus gods first child (Jesus was gods least favourite son)...and gabriels first child (the labour took 23 hours) this being because Jesus was unable to find his way out of gabriels uterus (he kept heading back to the ovaries) before god steped in and grabed Jesus and pulled him out of gabriel (this being very pleasurable for gabriel who let out a moan, this in turn turning god on and thus Jesus was just tossed into the hall way of heaven ((heaven being were god lived)) and god and gabriel were left alone, probably having HOT PASSIONITE SEX)Jesus...although he was the son of god..was rarely with god in heaven...Jesus grew up in teh city of angels...and was taught everything by his mother gabriel...this in turn led to Jesus being beautiful and feminine and probly why when he was sent to earth by god, he spread lies about his father, thus why god commanded the people of earth to crucify him! and then disowned him once he returned, thus Jesus being cast to Hell.
.¸¸.•´¯`» god and gabriels vacation home .¸¸.•´¯`» Hell a place were god went every century to check up on his disappointing son Jesus, who failed god and failed his mother, although Jesus took on a new name, and soon lived permanetly in Hell as 'the devil' after this rash changing of his name, he was visited often by his fater and the two were sometimes seen out drinking in the city of angels
.¸¸.•´¯`» gods favourite son
.¸¸.•´¯`» Hitler gods second child...and gabriels second child (hitler was her least favourite son) (this labour only took 1 hour, as hitler was desperate to leave his mothers stomach, finding it was too nice in there) hitler was god's favourite son! Hitler convinced god to create life on earth, and then when the time was right after 1000 earth years of tormenting the people of earth, god let hitler go down to earth ^_^ while on earth hitler aged at an incredible rate..for example when hitler left god and gabriel he was only 3 when he reached earth he was in his late 20's and introduced gods will to the people of germany (the greatest people in the world) after introducing his fathers will to the people of germany, hitler decided to invent things called armys and weapons!, after doing so, he created Jew's for his army's entertainment >_< after creating the Jew's and things called countries, hitler set out on conquering the world, and exterminating all Jew's on the way to create a perfect world like his father wanted ^_^ after 120 years of WAR! hitler had finally conquered the world and spread gods will to every corner of the world!. after news of this reached god...god killed hitler and took his place on earth! bvut after 2000 years on earth, god returned to earth!
after a few years of exploring god returned to heaven, only to find that Jesus had married the angel Mary!, thus bringing WAR! back to heaven! and in the following years Heaven snd Hell were at WAR with each other untill god seduced mary while she was alone with him in a "peace treaty" thus Jesus slaughtered Mary and then Commited Suicide! only to be brought back to life by his father to live on knowning that his father banged his wife...
.¸¸.•´¯`» god as a adult
after establishing dominance over the angels (all angels being classified as females due to them having large chests and skinny waists and nice butts and being smooth and delicate and that none of them had anything hanging btw their legs but nice soft places ^_^)and establishing gender (gender was not known untill god and gabriel had their "peace treaties" (these just being passionite sexual(sex was only discovered when god and gabriel had their meetings) sessions)) these "peace treaties established the basic language known as english) god decided instead of living alone in heaven...covering an area of unknown size...god decided to invent marriage! this was discussed with gabriel (being the only angel who has ever had sex and mothered a prophet) during one of their "peace treaties", at this time tho..their son Jesus now at the age of 6 had created Israelies! also known as Jews!...but when god told Jesus that he could not create things as that was not his Job (his job was to die) so god, being the creater of violence and death (yes, although people like atheIst believe in death, god is death...so techniqually there can be no ATHEIST)killed the 5000 Israelies that Jesus created ^_^ this day was known as the day of the dead (celebrated by mexicans ((mexicans being the offspring of the sun)) as a day to dress up in death mask and go around in death squads killing fat people) after god celebrated the first day of the dead by himself, god decided after being with gabriel since he was 6, and now at the age of 24 after killing one of their sons (Hitler for being to dominant on earth) god proposed marriage to gabriel while they were having HOT PASSIONITE SEX!!, having heard that his parents were getting married, the devil (Jesus) was outraged as he prefered to be known as a bastard emperor! (refering to his kingdom of Hell (named after his fathers holiday house which the devil or Jesus took a liking too when he was disowned by god) although he was not prave enuf to challenge god! who was at this stage of his life in his prime physically! (god being 24,would never age beyond this point) gabriel decided then that she would but an end to Jesus, so the night before she married god she invited Jesus to her chamber (in Heaven) while in there it was unkown what went on but it is believed she sedated Jesus and killed him! (thus bringing an end to religion on earth) this caused great pain to the people of earth, after discovering were god was and how to get to gods kingdom of Heaven! the people of earth started a race to be able to build a plane (although they didnt know it was called that, they used a simplified version of it) after hearing about this god decided to visit earth again!
.¸¸.•´¯`» god visits earth
god, hurled himself at earth! relising that he would cause another big bang! god couldnt help but laugh all the way to earth as he relised he would wipe out his own creations again!
.¸¸.•´¯`» gabriels marriage
after watching god destroy earth for the second time >_< gabriel decided to move the marriage to that moment right then (this being unkown) thus gabriel married god and was bound to him for life!
.¸¸.•´¯`» god and marriage
after being married for a century (this being the 2nd century), and re-creating the earth at his wifes request (angels being very influencel, thus the mass suicide rate of married men on earth >_< ) and after going to Hell for the honeymoon where they proceded to go to the beautiful beaches (better then anyones on earth)and have lots and lots of PASSIONITE SEX...so much infact that god had to ice his nuts for a whole day! ^_^ (gabriel being the most experienced sexual partner any mere mortal could ask for! and the most beautiful angel in the world) after returing from their honeymoon! and god mainting the world!...and having lots and lots more PASSIONITE SEX!! with gabriel! AHKMED! was born! (his labour being only just 15 minutes!)
Ahkmeds birth! was an unplaned birth...it is not known why Ahkmed was named Ahkmed by god and named annabell by gabriel! (just coincident), ahkmed was a troubled individual! as a baby ahkmed would not stop screaming and crying eventually! gabriel killed ahkmed! this caused god emmense pain! and god then punished a man on earth for 40 days and 40 nights while he was traevling in the desert!after the death of Ahkmed!, god stoped having HOT PASSIONITE! SEX!!!! >_< with gabriel! although about a week after Ahkmeds death, god started having hot passionite sex with gabriel again!, but although the earth was at peace with itself (undergoing a nuclear winter) the perfect time for god to DIE ^_^ just kidding! (but during the nuclear winter! its the perfect time to catch up with our friends down in Hell!After the Death of Jesus aka the devil!, Hell underwent new management under god! this was a dark time for Hell! after Jesus underwent gathering suicides, criminals and fallen angels! (these were also known as sluts, angels who fucked Jesus but were nothing but booty calls)anyway after Jesus gathered this army to conquer the city of angels and ultimatley Heaven!, he was killed by his mother (ironic) leaving god in charge of Hell, ofcourse god was too busy at the time and left control to gabriel! who enevetiably ran Hell into the ground!,dismantled the army of Hell! and left it to ruin! anyway! back to the Hell of now! its frozen ^_^)
.¸¸.•´¯`» god and love
shortly after the death of Ahkmed! gabriel and god had RUBEN! ( ill tell you a secret! ruben! was wanted by god! and not wanted by gabriel! because by this time!she hated childbirth!...this is probly later why god would invent the condom ^_^) it is presumed tho that ruben was not made with HOT PASSIONITE SEX!! but made with actual LOVE! (this would be the first sign that god has ever loved anything in his entire life! ((this inturn made gabriel! (a woman/angel!) very happy! and inturn why women on earth, have all this 'girl talk' that most straight men would not be able to understand!)) inturn this also meant god could no longer ignore the fact that he hadnt let his wife gabriel! move into Heaven with him! (this only happened at the end of this century!)
.¸¸.•´¯`» Ruben! Ruben was born roughly sometmie in the 2nd century and lived in the 2nd century!(unfortunatley he also died in this century)during this time it is known that god was at his happiest! (being that he finally had another son or he was getting around to steal more angels virginity! we dont know exactley ^_^ )Ruben!was exactley like god!