HowTo:Be Homeless in America

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== Where to be homeless ==
 
== Where to be homeless ==
Some people think you can be homeless anywhere. Not true! Want to be homeless in Alaska in winter? In Death Valley in summer? Or at any time of the year in New York City? Of course not! And did you know that some cities (Boulder, Colorado) actually have laws that prohibit homeless people from sitting on public benches?
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Some people think you can be homeless anywhere. Not true! Want to be homless in Alaska in winter? In Death Valley in summer? Or at any time of the year in New York City? Of course not! And did you know that some cities (Boulder, Colorado) actually have laws that prohibit homeless people from sitting on public benches?
   
 
Where you want to go in where the weather's nice all year long, the people come from all parts of the country so are very accepting of strangers, and people dress so weird nobody will even notice you're homeless. Of course we're talking about Southern California. But not Watts! No, the places you want to be are Venice Beach, San Diego, or, anytime other than summer, Palm Springs. Have you seen the kind of valuables people in Palm Springs just throw away? Trust us, you want to be homeless where people have money.
 
Where you want to go in where the weather's nice all year long, the people come from all parts of the country so are very accepting of strangers, and people dress so weird nobody will even notice you're homeless. Of course we're talking about Southern California. But not Watts! No, the places you want to be are Venice Beach, San Diego, or, anytime other than summer, Palm Springs. Have you seen the kind of valuables people in Palm Springs just throw away? Trust us, you want to be homeless where people have money.
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===Social Services===
 
===Social Services===
Are you an attractive female, or a male with a nice toosh who doesn't mind doing a little mouth work? So, you can get work as a streetwalker! And girls, you don't have to be pretty, just willing. And if you're a high school student or younger, you won't even have to look for work. Within six hours, you'll meet a pimp who's just aching for a girl like you! It pays better than babysitting! And if you're looking for some horse or grass or cheese, your pimp can connect you.
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Are you an attractive female, or a male with a nice toosh who doesn't mind doing a little mouth work? so, you can get work as a streetwalker! And girls, you don't have to be pretty, just willing. And if you're a high school student or younger, you won't even have to look for work. Within six hours, you'll meet a pimp who's just aching for a girl like you! It pays better than babysitting! And if you're looking for some horse or grass or cheese, your pimp can connect you.
   
 
===McDonald's===
 
===McDonald's===

Revision as of 00:29, October 14, 2009

Did some financial guru just say the latest recession is over? Funny how that doesn't translate too well when your hours have been cut, your wages have been lowered, and your smelly goat-faced boss is hinting at what you can do behind his desk to make a little extra money. Or are you struggling to meet the rising cost of crack cocaine? Or perhaps you're just worried that space aliens want to swallow your brain.

Does it seem OR Are you wallowing in a deep, dark hopeless mire, with no possible way out of the mounting pile of debt? Does it seem like you'll never be able to crawl out of that spiralling hole? Well, now you can! There's a very simple way to escape all your debts and other financial obligations: go homeless. With this handy guide, we'll show you how.

What kind of homeless person are you?

The first step in starting that debt-free, carefree life of a homeless person is deciding what type of homeless person will work best for you. You may think all homeless people are there because of poverty--not true! Studies by QUOTE SOMEONE have shown that 50 percent are homeless because of poverty; 50 percent because of alcohol or drug problems; and 50 percent because of mental disorders. If you think that totals 150 percent, you're right!

To determine what type of homeless person candidate you are, please take this simple, three-question quiz.

1) When you step outside your back door at night, you see a bright light in the sky. Do you believe:

A. It's the last surge of electricity before the electric company shuts down my power because of unpaid bills.
B. It's agents from the Drug Enforcement Agency searching for my marijuana farm Or meth lab.
C. It's hostile space aliens who plan to eat my brain!

1) When you're at home at night, you suddenly see a bright light through your front window. Do you believe:

A. It's the last surge of electricity before the electric company shuts down my power because of unpaid bills.
B. It's agents from the Drug Enforcement Agency here to question me about my pusher.
C. It's hostile space aliens who plan to eat my brain!

2) A "dime" is:

A. What I'm down to my last one of.
B. A bag containing ten dollar's worth of a drug, especially marijuana.
C. Something hostile space aliens melt down to build sinister devices to eat my brain!

3) I can't buy groceries for the rest of this month because:

A. Prices have shot so high I can't afford them.
B. There's no money left after I get my daily fix of heroin.
C. Hostile space aliens disquise themselves as bread loaves and cabbages so they can sneak in and eat my brain!

Now total your score. If you have more As than anything else, you're a candidate for poverty. If you have more B's, you're a candidate for drug addict. And if you have more Cs, hostile space aliens are coming to eat your brain! You've better escape your house and hide on the street quick!

Where to be homeless

Some people think you can be homeless anywhere. Not true! Want to be homless in Alaska in winter? In Death Valley in summer? Or at any time of the year in New York City? Of course not! And did you know that some cities (Boulder, Colorado) actually have laws that prohibit homeless people from sitting on public benches?

Where you want to go in where the weather's nice all year long, the people come from all parts of the country so are very accepting of strangers, and people dress so weird nobody will even notice you're homeless. Of course we're talking about Southern California. But not Watts! No, the places you want to be are Venice Beach, San Diego, or, anytime other than summer, Palm Springs. Have you seen the kind of valuables people in Palm Springs just throw away? Trust us, you want to be homeless where people have money.

Making money

Speaking of money, what do you do when you're on the street with no income? Get a job! Surprisingly, about 40 percent of homeless people work. But who can get up enough money at one time for first and last month's rent, security deposit, phone service, electricty, water and your 100 favorite membership online porn sites? If you're homeless you can't, so don't even try. But here's some ways you can make a living on the street.

Social Services

Are you an attractive female, or a male with a nice toosh who doesn't mind doing a little mouth work? so, you can get work as a streetwalker! And girls, you don't have to be pretty, just willing. And if you're a high school student or younger, you won't even have to look for work. Within six hours, you'll meet a pimp who's just aching for a girl like you! It pays better than babysitting! And if you're looking for some horse or grass or cheese, your pimp can connect you.

McDonald's

A surprising number of homeless people make a meager living working at fast food restaurants. You didn't think those fast food workers earned enough to afford a home, did you?

Begging

If you don't want to work for someone else and are an entrepreneurial type who wants to be your own boss, consider begging. Can you imagine making hundreds of dollars a day begging? You can? Well, I can imagine being CEO of Disney, but that ain't happening either. Man, are you some kind of fool.

Housing

You don't have a house; you're homeless, remember? But you can find or improvise living quarters for yourself.

Bridges

A Bridge makes a great place to live. You're sheltered from the rain, provided of course you don't have high winds that blow it in horizontally, and it doesn't rain enough to flood you out.

Dumpster

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