“Those bloody Irish! They're good for nothing! Oh...”
Welcome to Ireland, Paddy
Welcome to Ireland Paddy! We're so delighted to have you around in our lovely land of green meadows, sheep, whiskey and busted knee caps. Where all of the Paddies are friendly and kind, until you try to take away their beer, or their women. Not necessarily in that order.
So, you've chosen to travel around? And wisely so. But before you do, let us convey a few basic rules you need to understand when traveling in the land of Guinness.
Never ever sprinkle confetti, we don't care how happy you are. We don't care if it's your mother's birthday, your sister's wedding, you got a triplets or converted to catholicism. Confetti is considered to be extremly offensive in the Irish culture. Go all the way back when the Vikings used to throw confetti alongside pillaging and burning houses to the ground. We repeat, NO CONFETTI!
Wash your hands. Now.
We Irish value clean washed hands, at any time. A person with clean hands is considered beer worthy and will be embraced warmly into the Irish society. Remember - you can never wash your hands too much or scrub them too hard. Now, wash your hands.
Stop and Pray
As we are a devout Catholic nation, all visitors must comply with mandatory praying stops. Upon encountering the following sign, all visitors must submit themselves to an immediate praying session. Make sure to perform a proper Catholic mass. We do not care if you're Jewish, Muslim or, heaven forbids, Protestant.
Do Not Kick Road Barriers
Road barriers are tender beings, made with love and synthetic sheepskin. We kindly ask that you refrain from kicking them.
Basically You're Fucked, Paddy
Upon seeing this sign you might as well give up and meekly await your unavoidable destiny. If the bus won't get you, the falling rocks will. So, might as well accept it Paddy. You're fucked.
Ermmm...errr....yes!!! Fuck you too!
Seagulls are Bad
Do not walk on fire when seagulls are present. An old Irish prophecy states that "He who walks on fire when the white birds are in place, shall meet his doom promptly".
Avoid Jumping Off the Cliffs During a Rock Slide
We would greatly appreciate avoiding jumping from a cliff during a rock slide. This will greatly reduce the amount of mess and gore we normally need to deal with. We thank you for your cooperation.
We are more than happy to remind you where you are. This service is free of charge.
Ireland honors Famine
Please feel free to visit our Famine wall, that was established in remembrance of all those poor souls who were banned to death by him.
New Laws & Regulations in Place
Following the very successful implementation of the smoking prevention laws all over the republic, the Irish government has decided to abolish Zionism from all public houses, government institutions and fish&chips parlors. Please refrain from practicing Zionism at any given time.
Game Over Paddy
You have either exhausted your funds or the national Guinness reservoir. Either way, you have nothing further to look for in Ireland. Game over, Paddy. Go home.