Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization/Batman

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

< Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
(Conclusion: psychologically, he's suffering from an infinite crisis.)
(Fear of authority and paranoid delusional disorder)
(One intermediate revision by one user not shown)
Line 30: Line 30:
on the case of BRUCE WAYNE.
on the case of BRUCE WAYNE.
{{C|a.k.a. BATMAN}}
Line 197: Line 199:
''Please, intern; I wanted to get to that gently.''
''Please, intern; I wanted to get to that gently.''
==The Bat-2OC==
[[Image:Batmanfabulous.jpg|thumb|right|Batman not only likes to dance, but has colorful versions of his costumes that are fabulous!]]
"Can we talk about the dance I made?"
''Yes. What dance did you make?''
"I invented a dance that I call Bat-2OC."
''Bat two-och?''
"No, it's called Bat two-oh-see."
''But that's not a dance. It's in fact a piece of shit mixed with waltz. So how do I do that?''
"It involves sweeping your index and middle fingers across your eyes starting from the nose, and out towards the temples (index finger is placed above the eye and the middle finger is placed below the eye), while kicking wildly in random directions and screaming ''"ficas, ficas!"'' Then, the person attempting this dance needs only to eat the aforementioned fingers, and in doing so, has successfully completed the Bat-2OC."
''Now let's get back to the story.''
== Fear of authority and paranoid delusional disorder ==
== Fear of authority and paranoid delusional disorder ==

Revision as of 07:06, March 19, 2010


You must be a member of Imperial Colonization to edit this article--apply there. Exceptions: sysops/admins can of course make any necessary changes as per Uncyclopedia policy, and anyone is free to revert edits that are obvious vandalism. Please read Imperial Colonization, Rules and Guidelines, and Batman talk before you start editing.


Writing begins below, and will continue through Saturday, 13 March 2010. If necessary, the writing period may be has been extended to Saturday, 20 March 2010. Unless a group of supervillians intervenes, it will not be extended past that. Then it will be Pee Reviewed, post-review edits will be made, and it will be movedcopied to main space to the glory of Her Majesty.

By order of Her Majesty's representative, Compassrose IC Buccaneer Admiral WHY??? (stratagems)  02:58, March 4, 2010 (UTC)





on the case of BRUCE WAYNE.

a.k.a. BATMAN



Dr. Jonathan Crane.
Nice to meet you.

I received a Doctorate of Psychology from Metropolis State Psychiatric Hospital and served as Professor of Psychology at Gotham University. For the past 13 years I have worked as a specialist in psychiatry, dissociative identity disorder and phobic phenomenon. I am the author of several text books and research monographs on these subjects, including "Case Studies of Behavioral Assessment and Escalation of Chiroptophobia," for which I received the Amadeus Arkham Prize.

I am currently working on "Case Literature Involving Trauma Orchestrating Repressed Individual Schizophrenia" - a study dedicated to understanding the psycho-sexual heroic fantasies of victims of childhood trauma, although I am undecided about the acronym I have created.

I had the opportunity of a direct psychiatric examination of Bruce Wayne, who for his own protection had been kept at Arkham Asylum in a drug-induced comatose state for 12 months. I hoped to revive him for possible rehabilitation. I began by administering an injection of a mixture of the omega 1 specific indirect GABA agonist Zolpidem and the psychostimulant Methylphenidate. Due to previous violent episodes and a paranoid insistence on anonymity, the patient was securely strapped into a restraining chair and had his face covered with a dark mask before being revived. For the safety of asylum personnel, I and an assistant were the only ones present during the examination.

A transcript of the examination and interview follows. I've identified my statements in italics, statements by my assistant in bold italic, and Mr. Wayne's statements in normal type.

Beginning of the interview


"How did you. . . Where? Let me go! Untie me!" -- Bruce Wayne struggling against sanity.

Mr. Wayne, Mr. Wayne, are you awake?


Where are you? Is that what you want to ask me?

"N...No. Wh...."

Why are you here?

"No. Who.... who hit me?"

No one hit you, Mr. Wayne; you're in a...hospital.

"A hospital? Why is it so dark? The last thing, the last thing I remember is going shopping for new tights. What hospital is this? This tiny room is so dark and gothically depressing."

I'll ask the questions, Mr. Wayne. I am Dr. Crane, and my assistant and I are here to help you. Please don't try to struggle so, the bindings will hold, I assure you. Now I understand that you have certain, shall we say, unorthodox beliefs about yourself and your abilities. My notes, let me see, ah, my notes say--

"How did you. . . Where? Let me go! Untie me!"

(The subject struggled against his bindings, but his efforts were in vain. His cries of desperation briefly covered the distressful cries and muffled screams of other residents of Arkham Asylum. Like many of the patients, he appeared unwilling to accept the futility of his ineffectual efforts and admit his helplessness.)

Mr. Wayne, Mr. Bruce Wayne, things will go easier if you'll just answer the questions.

"I am not Bruce Wayne."

Then who are you?

"I'm Batman."

(At this point the patient struggled most violently. I had my assistant administer him a safe and calming analogue of the anaesthetic agent phenylcyclohexylpiperidine. My assistant then gave him an injection of the strong hypnotic and powerful sedative and skeletal muscle relaxant drug Flunitrazepam. Shortly thereafter he calmed down significantly.)

Childhood experiences

Now, Mr. Wayne, I would like to get to know and understand you a little better. From my files here it says that you claimed to be an orphan. Is this correct?


Who hit you?

"Who shot me?"

That was my assistant; she gave you a sedative. Please tell me about your parents.

"My parents? My...one night when I was a child, a mugger killed my mother and father."


During the subject's recounting of his childhood trauma he grabbed a napkin from my desk, tied it around his head, and did a manic dance for a few moments until he was restrained (security video recording of the incident)

Tell me about that night.

"I was...my mind...what drugs did you give me?...where's my tights?...I was eight years old. My parents were Dr...you don't need their names. We just left the movie theater where we saw...I don't remember. I think it was The Mark of Zorro. Or was it Dracula?"

Yes, your files say you mentioned Zorro in a previous interview - although in another session you claimed you were watching the opera Die Fledermaus. But Zorro is a fascinating character, a masked crimefighter - Frank Langella played the part. Let's see, that came out in the mid 1970s, in your childhood. Go on.

"No, before that."

Before? There was the Zorro television show with the actor who later played the father in Lost in Space. But that was in the 1950's - before you were born.

"Power...It was him - Tyrone Power. He was Zorro."

Tyrone Power? He starred in movies 70, 75 years ago.

"The drugs...I'm feeling confused."

Perhaps we should move on to what happened. According to my notes, you claimed a mugger named Joe Chill--

"No, I never knew his name. Joe Chill. Mr. Freeze. I wonder...."

It's too late to wonder now, Bruce.

"Who said that?"

That was my assistant. Please excuse her comment; she's an intern.


Mr. Wayne, how did you come to believe your parents were dispatched by a criminal?

"Because they were! We were leaving the theater--or the opera--by the back door when a masked figure jumped from the shadows and demanded my father's wallet and my mother's pearl necklace. My father quickly pulled me behind him, and I tripped and fell into the shadows of the alley. As my parents handed over their belongings, the thief snatched them away and shot both with a pistol before fleeing.... My parents died in my arms."

That sounds rather dramatic. Was it raining, Mr. Wayne?

"Why yes, it was. A warm shower covered me as I wept. The light from an adjacent window lit my profile as a sorrowful tune played softly in the background."

Of course, but what you are describing Mr. Wayne - the mugging, the golden shower, and the four minute back story introduction - was in fact an episode of Law and Order.

Dissociative identity disorder

"You're confusing me Dr....Crane? Isn't that the doctor on Cheers and Frasier? Why can't I see you, anyway?"

Because you have insisted on wearing a dark mask - it cuts off your peripheral vision, and as you're restrained....but I or my assistant can remove your mask, if you like.

"No! I must stay masked. I'm Batman."

Batman? As in "batty" and "bats in the belfry?"

"No! Of course not."

Are you certain? Could not that be a subconscious acknowledgment of your mental condition, and the mask a device to hide your fear of exposing yourself, Mr. Wayne? But according to my notes, you previously claimed a different "superhero" title. You said you were "The Caped Crusader."

"The who? Oh, yes, I am."

And you also claimed to be "The Dark Knight", "the World's Greatest Detective", "the Bat," and sometimes "the Bat-Man."

"That too."


"It was purely platonic." -- Bruce Wayne in possible denial.

And the Dynamic Duo.

"That was myself and Robin."


"My sidekick."

In your last session, you said your sidekick was called "Nightwing," and in an earlier session, you claimed he was "The Boy Wonder." You said you slept together....

"I said that? Well, yes. But it was purely platonic."

And you said you fought crime with, the Batgirl?"

"She was my lov--no, you're right; partner."

Did you also do Wonder Woman and Bat Boy?

"That was your intern again, right? I've heard her voice somewhere...."

Let us continue. You seem to like aliases, Mr. Bruce Wayne. In the past, you identified yourself as Lewis Wilson, Robert Lowery, Adam West, Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer--

"Val? ... That sounds like a girl."

The name; or the screams from down the hall...?
But no matter. You also called yourself George Clooney, Bruce Thomas--another Bruce--Christian Bale--

"None of those people are me. I'm... Batman."

--and Jason Todd, Tim Drake, Terry McGinnis, and finally Alfred Pennyworth.

"Alfred? I claimed to be Alfred? The kindly old butler? No, those aren't me. They're from alternate earths."

Alternate earths?

"Yes, Alternate Earths, there are an infinite number of them. The Flash told me so."

I've never heard of such a bizzaro theory Mr. Wayne. This claim of alternate dimensions is batty...

"I'm Batman!!!"

...yes, yes so you've said, but I will not tolerate speak of these alternate earths again.

No wonder they put you in Arkham.


Please, intern; I wanted to get to that gently.

The Bat-2OC


Batman not only likes to dance, but has colorful versions of his costumes that are fabulous!

"Can we talk about the dance I made?"

Yes. What dance did you make?

"I invented a dance that I call Bat-2OC."

Bat two-och?

"No, it's called Bat two-oh-see."

But that's not a dance. It's in fact a piece of shit mixed with waltz. So how do I do that?

"It involves sweeping your index and middle fingers across your eyes starting from the nose, and out towards the temples (index finger is placed above the eye and the middle finger is placed below the eye), while kicking wildly in random directions and screaming "ficas, ficas!" Then, the person attempting this dance needs only to eat the aforementioned fingers, and in doing so, has successfully completed the Bat-2OC."

Now let's get back to the story.

Fear of authority and paranoid delusional disorder

"Am I in the Elizabeth Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane? I'm not a criminal and I'm not insane! I'm Batman!"

Tell that to Vesper's family.

You were convicted of murdering Vesper Fairchild, remember?

Batman crying

"I'm. . . Batman. I am Batman. Damnit, why doesn't anyone believe me?"

"Vesper? She was my lov--good friend. I never harmed her. That was Lex Luthor's doing. I must have been framed."

You've had a lot of lovers, haven't you? You must know a lot about the bats and the bees.

"That voice...she sounds familiar...if only I could see...."

Wasn't one of your lovers called Pussy Girl?

"Catwoman. And she wasn't my lover she was my enemy. Ally. Enemy. No, she was--"

If she wasn't your lover, then how did the two of you produce a daughter named Huntress?

"Alternate earth. But I don't remember--"

Mr. Wayne! I've asked you not to speak of alternate earths during this interview. Now, back to Lex Luthor; is he another one of your supposed enemies? You know he's actually a major contributor to Arkham Asylum.

"So that's why I'm here! And I suppose the Joker and...wait, I've been talked to by so many people.... didn't one of the 'doctors' who interviewed me before have a very pale face? I mean very pale."

There may have been one who was an albino; let me check my notes. Ah, here. The list of those who have interviewed you includes Dr. Victor Fries--

"Mr. Freeze!"

--and there was a biochemist who assisted with your drug therapy, Dr. Pamela Isley--

"Poison Ivy!"

--and a research scientist who also helped with your drug-aided revival, a Dr. Jervis Tetch--

"The Mad Hatter!"

--there was also a Dr. Kirk Langstrom--


And apparently, during the investigation of Fairchild's murder, you were talked to by private investigator Edward Nigma--

"The Riddler!"

--and during the prosecution stage you were spoken to by District Attorney Harvey Dent--


--and of course you were interviewed by your attorney, who interestingly enough now operates a nightclub, a gentleman named Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot--

"My attorney was The Penguin!? No wonder I was convicted! But I'm sure I chose the legal firm of Cranston and Grayson."

Psychological resistance and paranoid schizophrenia


"You're my enemy The Scarecrow!" -- Bruce Wayne showing his paranoid schizophrenia.

--and there was--

"Wait; who are you, really, Dr. Crane?"

Really, Mr. Wayne; everyone who tries to help you is not a supervillain. Your extremely phobic reactions to any effort at administering assistance have led you to create straw man arguments against any advice that--

"Phobic? Straw man? Now I know who you are! You're my enemy The Scarecrow! You're not a psychiatrist; you're an arch villain!"

I have a doctorate in psychology from Metropolis State Psychiatric Hospital which--

"--which does not give you the authority to prescribe drugs! Only a medical doctor can do that. And how can you get a doctorate degree from a hospital?"

I am qualified, and in any case my intern is a psychiatrist and thus also qualified. As as matter of fact, Dr. Harleen Quinnzel--

"Harley Quinn!? That's your assistant?"

I suppose you think I'm an arch villain too?

"You are an arch villain! And you aren't qualified; I researched you--before I was kidnapped and put here. You only got your degree because you slept with your professors!"

Like you slept with Robin?

"That was platonic! But yours wasn't. I've heard your voice here, screaming in the night. And not from pain. How many 'patients' have you seduced here, willingly or unwillingly? I'm getting out of here, now! And you can't stop me. I'm an expert escapologist, and a martial artist, and an inventor, and a billionaire who could buy this entire asylum outright!"


Mr. Wayne continued with more verbage which can only be classified as an exhibition of criminal insanity and delusional paronia. With no other viable option, I directed Dr. Quinnzel to administer a heavy dose of Flunitrazepam to return Bruce Wayne to a much calmer, almost lucid, state of mind.

However, after the effects of the drug wore off Mr. Wayne again displayed manic and dangerous behavior, and was given a series of shock treatments which again placed him in a comatose state. My recommendation is that full revival not be attempted for at least another six months.

I am also concerned about his claim of alternate dimensions; which may be the basis for some of his more imaginative delusions. I fear that for Mr. Wayne this crisis of infinite earths must cause a great deal of psychological strain to keep all of these realities straight in his head.

Note: During the course of the interview Mr. Wayne indicated the existence of other "superheros" as well. The supposed exploits of these individuals is to be well documented in my future mini-case studies. Mr. Wayne's final rambling monologue before his return to a comatose state is included (via security video) below. (I theorize the excessive profanity and change in his demeanor from the earlier interview is partially due to the effects of the Flunitrazepam wearing off.)


Personal tools