UnNews:UnNews rises from grave, further miracles forecast
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UnNews rises from grave, further miracles forecast
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, February 25, 2017, 16:07:UTC)(
19 June 2007
MONKEY HOUSE, London Zoo - The recent demise of UnNews, the world's foremost source of up-to-the-microsecond misinformation, plunged the world into grief the likes of which has not been seen since the death of Princess Diana. Across the globe politicians, celebrities, and ordinary well-wishers have signed books of condolence and Elton John has already promised to re-launch an old song as a tribute to the beloved satirical news site. The scene outside the London hospital where UnNews spent its final hours on Earth is one of an unbroken floral sea as mourners continue to deposit bouquets and personal messages at the gates. However, all of this has come to nothing, because UnNews is no longer dead.
Doctors had pronounced UnNews lifeless at midnight GMT yesterday and placed it in the hospital morgue, but janitorial staff heard the supposedly lifeless cadaver groaning and clawing at the freezer doors.
"Me and Brian were down in the morgue, having a quick fag break from our tireless struggle against the hospital superbug MRSA, and we heard this noise coming from the freezer. Brian thought it was just the newly-dead returning to earth as zombies to eat the brains of the living yet again and refused to look inside. Fortunately I could hear that whatever was making the noise was completely uninterested in brains of any sort. I opened the freezer door, and it turned out I was right, it was a wiki. Sadly, Brian was devoured by the living dead from another freezer while I was doing this, but at least it all turned out happily in the end, right?"
UnNews is recovering swiftly from its brush with the icy grasp of death, and is looking forward to getting back to business as usual. It stresses that although flowers are no longer necessary (and quite inappropriate given its history of severe hay fever) gifts of money are still being eagerly accepted.