UnNews:UnNews Reporter consigned to Special Hell
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UnNews Reporter consigned to Special Hell
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, February 12, 2016, 01:59:UTC)(
28 October 2006
"Have you read it?" Satan asked, during a press conference this morning just outside the 9th Circle of Hell, "What kind of person could write something like that? I mean, I'm the Lord of Evil and it even made me more than a little uncomfortable."
Supporters of the doomed reporter are claiming that the decision is unfair, and insist that the article is, in fact, funny.
"Well sure, I laughed, yeah," Satan admitted, "But then I felt really, really guilty about it. I think the picture was the clincher though. It was just so wrong, on so many levels."
Satan maintains that his decision was not made lightly.
"Beelzebub thought we should put Tshell in Bolgia 4 of the 8th Circle, with the Sorcerers and False Prophets," Satan explained, "And while I admit that would be kind of funny, it just didn't seem like an appropriate response to me. That was when I hit upon this Special Hell idea, which at the risk of sounding arrogant, is pretty freaking brilliant."
"We have lots of those guys down here," Satan stated, "In fact, several of them publish The Brimstone Gazette... and do a bang up job, I might add. They're mostly just here for minor things though, like blasphemy and poor grammer."
Construction of the Special Hell, which will include a wide assortment of customised punishments, is scheduled to begin next week and is expected to be completed shortly before Tshell's death.
- Tshell "Michael J. Fox pro-stem cell commercial draws flak". UnNews, 25 October, 2006
- Dante "All Your Hell are Belong to Us!". Inferno Press, 11 April, 1300