|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
10 October 2009
Oslo, Norway - Members of the Nobel Awards Make Better Living for All (NAMBLA) have released a statement to defray the criticism of their Nobel Peace Prize to President Barack Obama for his then ten days in office. They have been underfire due to citizenry of the world being generally able to read, and Alfred Nobel's will being a matter of public record.
The section of the will relevent would seem by many to be this:
"and one part to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity among nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses."
It has been said, and loudly, that President Obama did nothing in the ten days of his tenure to have justified his name being submitted, let alone winning. President of the Nobel Awards, Sven Sozialiche, disagrees. "Of course he had not the time to work for fraternity among nations or for the holding and promotion of peace congresses. But has everyone forgot his work in the abolition or reduction of standing armies? And how his policies have captured the spirit of the past greats who have won this prestigious award?"
Explaining further, Sven pointed out that by the President immediately breaking his pledge to free those held without trial in Gitmo, that he was in fact upholding a 'reduction' of the armies of the Middle East. Further, that his backing away from all promises made during his campaign, including to withdraw from Iraq and Afghanistan, that he was creating an atmosphere of militarism that could not help but to 'reduce' the army of the United States. Indeed, almost 500 coalition soldiers have been 'reduced' in the wars that the President has not withdrawn us from, creating a 'reduction' in not only the American army, but several European ones as well. Further, continued bombings have greatly 'reduced' civilian populations abroad, some of whom must surely have been either in the military, or thinking of joining.
As to the President's spirit, Sven says that he'll put it up against any past winner. "President Obama conducts himself as other Nobel winners of the past.", said Sven, "Such as Theodore Roosevelt's 'reduction' of the Filipino army, or Cordell Hull sending back 950 Jewish refugees to Nazi Germany so as to let Hitler 'reduce' the population of any future Jewish army."
Sven went on to mention the other winners of the Nobel Peace Prize, like Henry Kissinger, credited with 3 million 'reductions' for his bombing campaigns of nations America was not at war with - many of whom might certainly have contemplated military service. And Yasser Arafat, credited with 'reducing' the Israeli army noticably, and 'reducing' the civilian population of Israel - from which the Israeli Army recruits - even more.
"President Obama had certainly not got to such grandiose levels as Kissinger, or even Hull", said Sven, "But give him time. America is still embroiled in Iraq and Afghanistan, he's keeping Gitmo open, and is even now contemplating the 'reduction' of the Iranian Army. He's a machine! But a machine for peace!"
President Sven Sozialiche excused himself then, saying that he and the committee had to go over next year's nominees. "We're looking into posthumously awarding it to Imad Mughniyeh, who masterminded the Beirut suicide bombings that 'reduced' the U.S. Marine Corp by 220 soldiers. True, he's dead, but frankly, we dropped the ball on that one by not awarding it to him while he was alive. We gave it out to Jimmy Carter instead. Oh, jeez, what were we thinking? Who'd Jimmy ever 'reduce'?"