UnBooks:Master Baiter's Sportfishing and Tackle's Official Policy Regarding Workplace Harassment and Discriminatory Practices by the Employee Base for New Employees

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Two of our employees engaging one another appropriately in their daily work.
Thank you for reading Master Baiter's Sportfishing and Tackle's Official Policy Regarding Workplace Harassment and Discriminatory Practices by the Employee Base for New Employees. This pamphlet was designed to inform you, the new and valued employee of our company, of the dos, don'ts, and don't-get-caught-doing-those-don'ts of this company regarding workplace harassment and discrimination.

"What is workplace harassment and discrimination?" you ask? Well I'm glad you asked that! Simply put, workplace harassment and discrimination are harassment and discrimination that happen in a workplace. These acts fall into many categories such as sexual harassment, verbal harassment, racial discrimination, and tire slashing. While they are all different, they are all illegal.

Sexual harassment

The most important thing to remember about a workplace is that everyone you work with probably has genitalia in some form or another. Some have larger genitalia, some have smaller genitalia. Some have hairy genitalia, some have barren genitalia. Some just "mow the lawn", while others "scorch the earth". Asking about an employee's genitalia, making references about the Greg the cashier's odd-looking foreskin, and saying things such as "her nipples look like my 5th grade science project, minus the baking soda and vinegar" are not acceptable in the workplace.[1]

We understand that Jen the stocker has a very nice chest. This is why we pay her less. Women could make as much money as men doing the same job if they didn't cost the company money by forcing male workers to spend company time oogling their goodies, which is unavoidable and understandable in Jen's case. Her tits are just so perky and delectable that the unnecessary attention she often complains about needs to be taken out of her paycheck so as to not lessen company productivity. Think of it as a tit tax.

Our company is also tolerant of filthy queers and attractive lesbians. Due to a recent law passed which includes sexual preference as a criteria for hate crimes[2], we are now legally obligated to protect gays from discrimination. Company policy dictates that lesbian employees must be given nametags with a male name, and gay employees must be given nametags with female names so as to curb discrimination. Gay male employees will be charged the respective tit tax for forcing male employees to oogle their goodies.

Verbal abuse

Verbal abuse will also not be tolerated. Referring to employees by any other moniker other than their designated name, especially with hurtful obscenities, is unforgivable and will result in an immediate, yet delicate, slap on the wrist. Obscenities are words or terms like "asshole", "grade A dick eater", and "sassafras". Keep in mind that verbal abuse may not always be obscenities. Yelling and threats against your person or dog also constitute verbal abuse.

If somebody harangues you because you accidentally brought your shotgun to work and threatened to end everyone after somebody slashed your tires, or because you accidentally dropped all of the contents of the cash register into your pockets, then you have the right to report the incident.

Racial discrimination

Our company supports affirmative action. As a result, you will work with individuals from a variety of races. Blacks, Hispanics, Filipinos, Brazilians, and Laotians make up approximately 0.5% of our employee base.

Racial discrimination will obviously not be tolerated. All minorities are to be treated with respect regardless of smell or your ignorant, hick, white trash, inbred family upbringing. Standard procedure for dealing with minority employees includes attempting to talk in their familiar vernacular so as to ease communication (ebonics and broken English are usually sufficient), yelling loudly at them if they didn't understand you the first time, and simplifying the English language for them ("Me. George. You. Geraldo.").

Tire slashing

Slashed tire
Such bullshit.
Somebody slashed my car tires the other day. I called the police and they asked me if I had any disgruntled employees or customers recently. Of course, all of our employees and customers are disgruntled. However, this does NOT mean that you should slash my damn tires because the lure we sold you was actually a ceramic corndog. I could have died, and I would have if I didn't happen to notice that one of my tires had a circular saws still embedded in its rubber. That should be attempted murder or something. I swear to god we are installing security cameras in that parking lot. They won't record anything, but people will stop and think, "Oh there's a security camera. I better not circumcise his tires today. Maybe I'll follow him to his home to do it where he has a shotgun." Yes, I have a shotgun you motherfuckers.

What to do

If you feel you are ever harassed or discriminated against there are appropriate actions to take. You may inform the boss of the incident and something will probably happen or something. If action is not taken, you are thereby required to inform us if you intend to sue at any time; this will determine the extent to which your case is investigated by the company.

Most cases of harassment or discrimination can be addressed by you yourself without incident. All it takes is some tact, passivity, and tolerance. Remember, we promote a tolerant work environment. Below are some examples of situations that may occur and some ideas on how to handle the situations appropriately.

Situation What not to say/do What to say/do
An employee says: "Rita has a nice ass."
  • Say: "Fuck no, that bitch is too fat." (discrimination based on weight)
  • Sodomize her
  • Bestow her with a cute nickname like Badonkadonk
  • Agree with him wholeheartedly.
Your boss says he will only promote you if you fellate him
  • Suck it dry
  • Report your boss your boss
You find that somebody wrote "niggers must die" on the bathroom wall
  • Add several tally marks below it
  • Cross out "die" and replace it with "be loved"
  • Somehow make it read "niggers must carpe diem"
  • Agree with it wholeheartedly
An employee says she likes her coffee like she likes her men: strong and black
  • Agree with her wholeheartedly
  • Oogle her goodies
  • Report her to your boss for being racist
A Filipino lesbian employee asks to suck your toes
  • Make an offensive remark
  • Use an avoidance tactic, i.e., "I have diarrhea," "I have athlete's foot."
  • Yell in broken English to her
  • Eat a Twix
  • Oogle her goodies
Somebody slashes your tires
  • Call the police; they won't do anything
  • Install cameras in the parking lot
  • Eat lunch in your car from thereon

Conclusion

In conclusion, our company wants you to feel safe and secure as one of our valued employees. Sexual harassment is a big no-no, and you have the right – wait! Is that my car alarm going off?! Piss!

Citations

  1. To their face.
  2. Lamesauce.
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