User:Sockpuppet of an unregistered user/Tom Cruise

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“You're a jerk... y.... you're a jerk. You're a jerk. I... I'm trying, trying to give you an interview... I've studied this and Y... you're a jerk. You shaved your head to hide your bald spot. And... and you tilt your nose up in the air so no one will see your fuzzy bald spot.”
~ Tom Cruise on Matt Lauer
“This kook gives me the heebie-jeebies. It's that infrated sense of serf-worth that rearry disturbs me...”
~ Kim Jong-il on Tom Cruise
“This guy is really friggin annoying...”
~ Jar Jar Binks on Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise, born Thomas Cruise Meatlover IV, a.k.a Borgatron, Eater of Fetuses, is an American actress, beard collector, annoying git, cyborg, Religious Expert, defective Hello Kitty vibrator and Oompa Loompah sa well as a vehement supporter, founder and long time financier of the american gay rights movement. His first screen appearance was in 1983's Return of the Jedi as the beloved Ewok, Wicket. This role propelled him into a long and illustrious film career during which he amassed a fortune by playing vacuous and arrogant heterosexual pretty-boys with limited emotional range. He plays some of this role well in his offscreen life, having been an outspoken representative for everything from the mental health profession to felching, lawsuits to soul-stealing aliens. Proving himself to be semi-competent at several activities, he also qualified for a spot on the Men's Couchjumping Team to represent America in the 2004 Olympic Games, but unfortunately had to decline due to an ongoing anal injury originally brought about by a misleading link. However, he remains a keen exponent of this ancient sport and has exhibited his cushiony prowess whilst hopping around the Global Publicity Circuit.

On April 18, 2006 Cruise (who is not gay) and his husband Starr Jones gave birth to their first daughter, Suri (full name Suri-Ously Farked-up Lafayette Ronald McDonald Old Mother Fucker Hubbard Mapother Cruisin' Fora Bruisin).

I want scientology finished

Cruise, extending a warning finger toward psychiatry, is in no danger of being glib.


Educated by the great L. Ron Hubbard himself for 2 seconds, Cruise (who is not gay) enjoys higher brain fluctuations than normal people. This causes him to say things without thinking, a byproduct of his ADHD and OCD. His lack of education causes Cruise to do stupid entertaining things, like attacking Oprah, and believing in Scientology.


Tom’s acquired brain damage (received from falling off a particularly tall couch) barely hampered his enthusiastic interest in all religions. Never being particularly outspoken but rather a shy youngster, Tom was always in search for the deep and meaningful in life. So it came as little surprise to his adoptive mother Katie Holmes and father Deep Roy that Tom would choose to focus on the path of Scientology.

With such effortless cures for afflictions (such as exercise and vitamins for mental illness) Tom’s faith in scientology was well placed. Tom assimilated well into the second richest religion in the world (the first being Hermaphrodites Against Racially Provoked Opinions otherwise known as Harpo) with his endearing smile and spotless public appearance he rose quickly through the ranks of the church and was soon ordained Sturdy probe of the Brotherhood (SPB).

Life in Munchkinland

“Ha ha ha! Fun sized.”
~ Phil Ken Sebben on Tom Cruise

Standing at just 4'2", Cruise, who is not gay, is the size of a common table lamp, and is often seen wearing stilettos, dangling from a string in front of the camera, in order to correct the perspective when working with normal sized actors. Danny DeVito, the smallest fat man in film, is his alleged Robot father.

People Magazine has continually ranked him as one of the 100 sexiest stars in film history ever, behind Carrot Top and Yoda. A darling of American cinema, Tom Cruise (who assures us all he isn't gay) is best loved by fans in films where he does not appear.


Tom shows Oprah-san the Scientology-approved method for voiding ones bowels without sound.

Tom Cruise, who is not gay, will do anything to indulge the audience, including, but not limited to, hopping onto and dancing on the furniture in the studios of morning talk shows.

Tom Cruise is touted as the having largest anus in the known universe, though Chuck Norris is a close second. Tom fists himself daily, and rectally inserts Katie at hourly intervals. Katie has no comment on the matter.

Tom Cruise, who is not gay, is well known for his irrational hatred of gays and couches. He especially hates gay couches. In 1942, he attempted to pass the 42.42nd Amendment to ban gays and couches in the USA, but was rejected both by the Serious wing of the Decepticon Party for being "too silly", and the Silly wing of the Silly Party for "not being silly enough".

The super pissed off Cruise then went on a violent rampage through Tokyo, breaking into people's homes and destroying their couches with his laser feet and crazy eyes.


Tom Cruise uses Dianetics from Scientology instead of Psychiatry.

He is known to relax by smashing couches to "little tiny bits". He is also famous for his inventions, among which the most known are the chicken feces sprinkler, banana shaper, fart filter and mirror for the blind. In 2005, he revealed his multi-disciplinary expertise on the Today Show with Matt Lauer. Cruise, who is as straight as they come, chided Lauer for being ignorant of Tom's true splendor and confirmed that he had "studied the history of psychiatry", making Tom Cruise a historian. Cruise called Lauer "glib" and had him desperately hunting for a Matthew-Webster dictionary. Tom Cruise is a devoted and zealous follower of Scientology claiming it is a religion. Cruise affirmed, "It is a religion. Because it is dealing with the spirit". Cruise further added, "Alcoholism, which deals with the spirit, is also a religion. Nanu-nanu". He then made the Vulcan hand gesture and pretended to be whisked away in an alien spacecraft.

Tom Cruise has also revealed, during the course of his lecture to Lauer, that he doesn't believe in psychiatry. "Psychiatry is... is a pseudo science", Tom Cruise informed the audience. He also went on to make known to one and all that "there is no such thing as a chemical imbalance". He further divulged that he does not believe in dentistry, geography, gravity, dinosaurs, Lithuania, oranges, diet sodas, kitten huffing, or any other "science". Except for Scientology.

Tom cruise

Tom Cruise has Katie Holmes' head attached for convenience during a media blitz. Mr. Cruise happens to show the crowd which finger he used to impregnate Holmes, saying, "Yeah baby, I've got alien souls in me; I do it ET-style, bee-atch.

What he does believe in, however, are past lives. Tom Cruise has recently stated that he believes that he is the reincarnation of William Shakespeare, thus bringing the number of people worldwide who believe they are the reincarnation of William Shakespeare to an estimated 1,423,622.

Hollywood Family Life

His Eyes Looked Puppy-like, Meaning Everlasting Pleasure, Love, Excitement, And Something Else...”
~ Katie Holmes on Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise's first Hollywood marriage was with Australian actress Nicole Kidman. Initially, it was feared that the 30 inch height difference would pose a problem, but this was solved when Cruise cut Kidman's legs off at the knee with a rusty hacksaw. Kidman missed her shins very much and so, in 1995, they adopted them. Some harsh critics have alleged that they adopted, because Cruise could not have children, as he was a gay alien. This is not true, because Tom Cruise is not gay. In 2001, the couple divorced, when Kidman realised that Cruise wasn't joking when he said he believed in Scientology.

Standing at just 24 inches tall, Tom Cruise, who is not gay, presently has a Hollywood-Relationship to trainee historian Katie Holmes, who is 16 years younger than Tom. A Hollywood-Relationship is a relationship that occurs when both parties have a movie to shamelessly plug. Cruise and Holmes got together when Holmes was promoting the movie "Batman Starts All Over" and Cruise was promoting "War of the Xenu Worlds". The birth of their child was strangely timed to coincide with the release of Cruise's new 2006 film, "Xenu Impossible 3". Holmes is a radiant, jaw-dropping beauty, with mesmerizing eyes and teeth with more unique directions than a compass. Katie states "He is my man, oh yes, he is my man." Why photos always show her leaning away from Cruise remains a mystery. And she also is not gay and, although widely reported to be, is neither a robot nor a zombie. She may be possessed, but the Vatican has yet to confirm. When asked why so many people are cynical of Cruise's relationship with Katie Holmes, Cruise (whom is not a raving homosexual) said "Anyone who's not happy for me, is against me. And, I'm not gay."

The Mom

In an exclusivestreight out of the National Enquierer, Tom's Mom was found to be Xenu's half-bred spawn. Yeah, you heard me right, Tom Cruise is the last descendant of Xenu! With tentacles for arms and a vibrator for a penis, he slithers around making stupid movies. In the movie The War of The Worlds he nearly got the role of the main bad guy/alien/half-bred but the director found out he was human at the last minute and decided to be the freelance terrorist who kills not only the aliens, but also mankind.

The Baby

Some people think that Tom Cruise had a baby, even though this has scientifically been proven to be impossible. Among the many reasons this couldn't be true, here are a few important ones.

  1. He has no balls.
  2. The baby isn't gay.
  3. The baby doesn't worship aliens, as portrayed in Scientology.
  4. Tom Cruise cannot produce sperm, as he is a female.

Some theories of the baby's origin are:

  1. -Xenu inseminated Katie Holmes at Tom Cruise's birthday bash at Chuckie Cheese.
  2. -The thetans Tom has rid his body of conglomerated into a life form inside Bon Jovi's ass
  3. -The baby is actually Tom's alter ego when he doesn't eat enought cookies.
  4. -Tom took advice from Angelina Jolie and Michael Jackson and bought the baby in a third-world market or off eBay.
  5. -John Travolta is actually the baby's father. Tom is the mother.
  6. - Tom Cruise was impregnated with the frozen semen of L. Ron Hubbard so that Tom may give birth to a vessel which will become the avatar of the reincarnated L. Ron Hubbard. Katie Holmes is just a red herring used to make the public think Tom is male.

Additionally, no one has actally seen the baby, though a handful of friends of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, who are also famous Hollywood actors, have reported they've seen the baby. It's quite possible there is no baby, and these other famous Hollywood actors are also secret Scientologists who are in on the scam. Some believe that "seeing the baby" is part of a Scientologist initiation rite that involves a anally-induced peyote vision quest.

When asked for pictures of the baby, Tom Cruise reportedly said, "No way you people are going to exploit my baby! I'm going to exploit my baby and do it on my own damn time!"

The baby's name is reportly supposed to be "Suri", though it could be a Tom Cruise' coked-up attempt to pronounce curry, his favorite food.

Hollywood Roles


Image of Cruise's Thetan radiating its not gay energy.

For those that think Cruise is a limited actor, we offer this insightful analysis of his range of characters:

  • Risky Business - Cruise plays an entrepreneur trying to live up to the example set by his entrepreneur father and slaps other guys on the back for money.
  • Top Gun - Cruise plays a Navy pilot trying to live up to the example set by his dead Navy pilot father and slaps other guys on the back.
  • The Color of Money - Cruise plays a pool hustler trying to live up to the example set an older father-figure pool hustler and manages to slap Paul Newman on the back.
  • Cocktail - Cruise plays a bartender trying to live up to the example set by an older father-figure bartender and slaps other guys on the back.
  • Rain Man - Cruise plays a man trying to live up to the example set by his autistic brother and slaps guys on the back.
  • Born on the Fourth of July - Cruise plays a soldier who can't live up to the example set by his father and slaps other guys on the back.
  • Days of Thunder - Cruise plays a race car driver trying to live up to the example set by his dead race car driver father and slaps other guys on the back.
  • Far and Away - Cruise plays an immigrant who can't live up to the example set by his dead father and slaps other guys on the back.
  • A Few Good Men - Cruise plays a Navy lawyer trying to live up to the example set by his dead Navy lawyer father and slaps other guys on the back.
  • Interview with the Vampire - Cruise plays a dead guy trying to live up to the example set by his progenitors, who are like father figures, right? And, oh, he, uh, bites other guys on the back?
  • Mission Impossible - Cruise plays an American Agent trying to live up to the example set by his dead father/mission and slaps other men on the back.
  • Jerry Maguire - Cruise plays a talent agent trying to keep a company going on started by his father and very gently slaps Cuba Gooding Jr. on the back.
  • Mission Impossible 2 - Cruise plays an American Agent trying to live up to the example set by his dead father/mission and slaps other men on the back.
  • Vanilla Sky - Cruise plays a publisher trying to live up to the example set by his dead publisher father and slaps other guys on the back.
  • Minority Report - Cruise plays a futuristic cop trying to live up to the example set by his future dead father and slaps other guys on the back.
  • The Last Samurai - Cruise plays an Army Officer trying to live up to the example set by his dead Army Officer father and slaps other guys on the back.
  • War of the Worlds- Cruise plays a devoted family man trying to live up to the example set by his father figures/tripedal death machines and slaps the shit out of the machines' backs.
  • Mission Impossible 3 - Cruise plays an American Agent trying to live up to the example set by his dead father/mission and slaps other men on the back.

In The News

August 12, 2006. LOS ANGELES. While out for a "leisurely Sunday drive," as they called it, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes witnessed a horrible accident on a Los Angeles freeway Saturday. Thinking as quickly as they could, the couple pulled onto the shoulder and backed up for fourteen miles to reach the accident scene. Without regard for his own safety, Cruise climbed into the smoldering wreckage, desperate to reach the victims and convert them to scientology before help arrived. One of the victims, Stephen Brown, who wishes to remain anonymous, but whose wishes were not granted, said "My wife and I got out of the car, and then we heard someone talking in some kind of weird language. That's when we found Mr. Cruise in our trunk talking to our spare tire. We managed to pull him to safety, though I can't remember why." A CHP spokesman said it was not yet known which one of the Hollywood couple was driving as Holmes is not yet old enough to drive, and Cruise cannot reach the pedals.

August 23, 2006. LOS ANGELES. Paramount Pictures and parent company, Viacom Inc., announced Wednesday that they were cutting ties with former golden boy, Tom Cruise, and his production company, Cruise/Wagner Productions. Viacom Chairman Sumner Redstone explained to reporters the decision to evict Cruise arose out of a simple conflict of interest. "Simply put, Viacom has a strict policy which prohibits us from doing business with complete fuck-wads... hence the conflict." Redstone cited Cruise's public behavior as the main reason for their decision, but added, "we really never liked him, anyway." Paula Wagner, Cruise's partner, told the press, "Mr. Redstone is using his personal bias against fuck-wads as an excuse to get rid of us." Reporters were unable to reach Cruise for comment, but his family reports he has gone into a severe depression, popping Flintstones vitamins non-stop for two days and refusing to get out of bed.



Cruise gives the television audience a demonstration of his "God damn it, I'm constipated!" stance.

“I'm so glad he doesn't claim he's following me.”
~ Jesus on Tom Cruise
  • Tom Cruise is probably definitely shorter than you.
  • Tom Cruise can hold his breath for seven and a half minutes underwater. When holding intra-interview temper tantrums, he can go as long as nine. Minutes, not inches. Pervert.
  • Tom Cruise divorced Nicole Kidman because he was tired of always being on bottom.
  • Tom Cruise was turned down for the role of James Bond because he was afraid of guns, pretty women, martinis, and fast cars.
  • As a practicing member of the American Medical Association, Tom Cruise regularly drinks the blood of the innocent.
  • Cruise's actual birthname was Beelzebub, then Satan and then Lucifer, which were all pretty common names from his home planet of Alderaan.
  • During her stint as a Hell Desk Associate, Miss Cruise was employed to answer phones for a suicide hotline in Floriduh. It was here that Miss Cruise developed the "I'm Not Gay, You're Glib" Scientological treatment technique. Fortunately for Hell and unfortunately for the rest of us, Tom quit when his cubicle buddy Ann Coulter won the coveted Hell's Employee of the Month plaque.
  • Cruise's mama didn't raise no fool. It should be noted, however, that his mama didn't raise him, but abandoned him outside a felcher shelter.
  • Tom Cruise is known to have a penchant for Asian bitches in Los Angeles.
  • Tom Cruise is the evil spawn of Moloch, the Canaanite sun-god that desires the blood and flesh of infants.
  • Tom Cruise endorses Scientology, the cult where lots of famous mentals get together and give all their money to the Bank Of Idiot.
  • After the premier of the famous South Park episode about Scientology, Tom Cruise cried like a big baby and stated that he would leave Mission Impossible III before it was finished. Die-hard MI fan Grumble McRumble said "If he's going to leave a long awaited movie over a comedy show joking about an offically fake religion, he's a whiny bitch."
  • Tom Cruise has reportably been seen soliciting sex from evil lord Xenu at a crack mansion next door to the Scientology Celebrity Center in Hollywood, CA.
  • Tom Cruise's outspoken views on psychiatric drugs are an elaborate (by his arguably piss-poor standards) ruse. He is in fact hooked on Ritalin and has been for many years. He was first introduced to the drug by Margaret Thatcher, who commented in a recent interview that: "At first I felt guilty as I thought I was peddling drugs to a child. However, I've slept much easier since I've learned that he's merely a miniature adult."
  • Tom Cruise is not gay. Except in Smarch. Really.
  • UPDATE: Tom Cruise is gay, despite the obvious signs that he isn't and the fact he always denies it in public even when people dont even ask him about it, he is indeed gay. I mean come on, just look at him. If you dont think he's gay, well, you're an idiot.
  • Tom Cruise likes eating placentas.
  • Tom Cruise has no soul, instead he has a jumble of thetans that are somehow able to function almost, but not entirely unlike, a normal human soul.
  • Tom Cruise played Candy Land with Bob Dole.
  • Tom Cruse invented the Hoveround.
  • Tom Cruise called Dr. Martin Luther King "a racist nigga".
  • It is a fallacy that Tom Cruise cannot have children because Chuck Norris can impregnate anyone.
  • During the filming of "Minority Report," Tom Cruise fell ill, and vomited up the soul of his first wife, Mimi Rogers. The escaped soul is said to wander the set to this day.
  • Tom Cruise was Rosie O'Donnell's man-crush, which is a term used amongst diesel dykes for a man whom they want to crush with their giantic muscles or bodyweight for sexual pleasure.

External Links

Tomcruiseanimated This article forms part of the series on Scientology
Beliefs Space Opera ~ Xenu ~ Thetans ~ The Sacred Movements of Goa Tse ~ Emo Hitler ~ Anonymous
Concepts The Force ~ Clear ~ Hodgepodge (the hidden truth)
Practices Kitten Huffing
People L. Ron Hubbard ~ Tom Cruise ~ Lestat de Lioncourt ~ Chef ~ Will Smith ~ Captain Caveman ~That Creepy Scientologist "Charity" Fund Collector Guy
Enemies You ~ Me ~ Oprah ~ South Park ~ YTMND ~ 4chan ~ The Holiday Hawk ~ Appliantology ~ Walken! ~ Rick Astley ~ Pacman ~ Horses ~ Italians ~ Anonymous
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