The Shins

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The Shins are an acclaimed polka-metal band from northern Algeria. Formed somewhere in the Arctic in 1967, they have since released over two million albums and have become increasingly popular despite the fact that their singer sounds like a woman.

Band Formation

One day, as singer James Hetfield was in the middle of punching a toddler, a very fat man in a top hat named Marty DiBergi walked up to him and asked him if he wanted to be in a band. Since the request was augmented by several hundred dollars and some LSD, Hetfield agreed, and the duo soon added lead guitarist/televangelist/drunk Dave Barry, rapper Eminem, and drummer Jesse James to their ranks to form The Shins. James is known for playing in a very distinctive style, which is playing drumbeats so simple and repetitive a retarded, drunk monkey could replicate them while sleeping.

First Album

In 1585, much to the dismay of Oscar Wilde, The Shins released their first album, “Oh, Inebriated Turtle”. The album was notable for its hit single “Care Bears are Creepy” and its influential sound of third-rate indie crap. Soon after the album was finished, Eminem left to become a monk. He was replaced by Elmo.

Second Album

Seven bilennia later (or what seemed like it), The Shins released their second album, “Shoot! It’s Too Narrow”. This album marked a change in their sound as they moved away from traditional Turkish folk melodies to a full-on hardcore-punk-commercial-jingle-hillbilly-prog-metal assault. The album contained such classics as “Mine’s Not A Nice Whore”, “Saint Simon Says So”, and “Pink Bullshit”, and thus was released to almost universal critical acclaim, except in the Andromeda Galaxy.


The making of “Shoot! It’s Too Narrow” had been a stressful time indeed, as Hetfield had developed chronic diarrhea halfway through. After a special operation where he got a cork put in his butt, he decided to suspend the band for a bit. They remained in hiatus for centuries, as they were cryogenically frozen.

Third Album

After they were thawed out in the year 2300, The Shins found themselves in a post-Apocalyptic wasteland, and were thus inspired to create their third album, “Pinching You Because I’m Gay”. The album’s hits, “Africa” and “Phantom Dick”, were both about watching WWF at 3:00 in the morning in DiBergi’s apartment while eating Cheetos and complaining about how much life sucks. Realizing they couldn’t possibly get any crappier, the band finally, mercifully broke up after the album’s release, and then committed suicide by listening to all three of their CDs in a row. But knowing the unpredictable behavior of the shins, expect a fourth album within the next 1,000,000 years.

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