The Female Drivers' Guide to the Road (American Version)
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“He was paralyzed on impact. Thrown straight out his windshield and down that slope. He lost his short-term memory and, as of now, they haven't stopped the bleeding in his left leg, nor the internal bleeding. Bastard's lucky to be alive.”
“This article is sexist.”
Are you a woman? Do you drive? If so, don't let your natural destructive behavior behind the wheel of a large vehicle get you down. This free online guide to the rules and regulations of the road according to women will both enhance your knowledge of driving, while allowing you to drive your hyperactive, nonathletic, possibly unanimously hated child to soccer practice in your over-sized S.U.V. without incident. Not only will you drive safer, but you will progressively arrive at your destination quicker with every drive!
Beginning the Driving Process
So, you need to drive somewhere, but you are a woman. First and foremost, do not panic; it is one of the many problems facing American women today. What you will need to do is first find your keys, or your husband's keys if he does not allow you your own car. Once you have entered your garage or driveway, unlock the vehicle and enter. Do not hit your head on the roof of the car while entering; it is one of the many problems facing American women today. Please make sure you are not a woman under the age of 24 or over the age of 60. If this is the case, step out of the vehicle and get back inside.
Backing Out of the Driveway
It is invaluably important to first look both ways behind you to make sure the road is clear. If all is clear the first time you look, it will stay clear until you are finished backing out. Don't worry about checking the sidewalk; people will not walk behind your vehicle, you are a woman. If you are backing out left, simply guess which way you are supposed to turn the wheel, and estimate the degree at which you should turn it. You'll figure it out as you go, but you probably won't remember the next time you attempt it. It's one of the many.... well, you know. Turn your horrible music to full volume to motivate you and put you "in the zone".
The Four-Way Stop
Eventually, you will be forced to stop at an intersection, such as a four-way stop. Do not be intimidated. Remember the Four Four-Way Stop Rules:
- The driver on the right has the right of way.
- You are always the driver on the right.
- Stop lines are not real. You are imagining them.
- Don't stop the car completely, this only halts your momentum and you are in the zone!
Driving on "Main Street"
If you live in a town where inbreeding is not encouraged, you have one consistently busy street, or "Main Street" as we will call it. Main Street will likely have more than one lane on each side of the road, meaning you are free to roam across open lanes of traffic, limiting the possibility of drifting off the road, which is another problem. However, due to the inconvenient laws of physics, two objects cannot occupy the same space at one time, so please be certain no irresponsible male drivers are occupying the space you wish to drift into.
Main Street is full of inconveniences. Inevitably, you will run into someone who is "slowing down" or "yielding for pedestrians" or "turning". Taillights will indicate said actions. Observe the taillights in front of you. If the lights suddenly flash on, the driver is slowing down because he does not care if you're in a hurry and he is indifferent toward your feelings. More than likely, he's an asshole, but you must resist the urge to rear-end him. Quickly slam on your brakes so as not to hit him, and also to promptly tell others behind you that your are slowing down for the jerkoff in front of you. How dare he slow down.
Main Street also holds one of the most annoying and unneeded devices in the history of roads: stoplights. Stoplights consist of, essentially, two colors; green and red. Follow these guidelines when met with a stoplight:
- It is lawful to turn right on red, without looking, and without worry.
- It is lawful to turn left on red, as long as the light JUST turns red as you approach the intersection at a high speed.
- Green means go. Just go. Pretend there's not even a light there, even while turning left. It doesn't matter. Green means go.
- Yellow, contrary to popular belief, is not a stoplight color.
- If you happen to be involved in an accident at a stoplight, it is someone else's fault. You were following these guidelines.
You don't need to use blinkers. You're a woman.
Be cautious of pedestrians. They often do not yield for traffic. This results in several instances of pedestrians striking and damaging innocent vehicles.
Finally, we have the highway. Highways are large, wide open roads allowing free movement left and right at very high speeds. Because of their width, guard rails, and shoulder bumps (things that go “rumrumrumrumrum” when you drift off the road), Highways are especially suited for the use of cell phones, the punishing of children, and the applying of makeup while driving.
Since you are a woman, we strongly urge you not to enter the highway, but in the case of an emergency, you should be well-prepared. It all starts with the ramp.
The ramp is used for entering the highway and merging with traffic. It is important to be up to speed before the top of the ramp. Make sure the vehicle is moving at a speed of about 40 miles per hour. Once you have cut in front of the vehicles doing 70 or 80, you may accelerate to 45 or all the way to 90, whichever is more inconvenient to others, but convenient for you. Now you are ready for the highway.
Driving on the Highway
As was stated well above this, turn your music to full volume. If your girlfriend is in the seat next to you, sing to each other obnoxiously. Arrange a dance number to accompany the singing. Do anything to keep your attention on something other than the horrors of highway driving. In fact, here are a few suggestions:
- Text on your phone.
- Style your hair. After all, that's what the mirror is for.
- Strip-tease while passing a trucker.
- Although your boyfriend will probably not let you drive HIM, you could give him road head while YOU are at the wheel.
- Change your clothes.
- Mess with your G.P.S. You may have changed your mind about where you are driving.
- Strip-tease while passing a family in a van.
- Video-tape yourself talking about the drive so you may blog it later.
- Take pictures of you and your friend so you may Facebook them later.
- Read this.