“I'm on notice? Fuck Stephen! He's on notice!”
“Pick a side Colbert - however you're pronouncing your name these days - because there is a culture war going on in America, and you're either American, or you're un-American, straight or gay. Which one is it, Colbert?”
The Colbert Report (pronounced "Kohl-BERT Re-PORT") is a right-wing talk show hosted by The Honourable Grandmaster Stephen Colbert, an all-american, Christian, heterosexual, 18 to 45 year old male. His show has built a very large fanbase due to his frank and honest attacks on the liberal east-coast media elite and gay people. He is a longtime companion of Bill O'Reilly, and he is totally gay. Also all rumors concerning his relationship with Jon Stewart are possibly false. His hour-long, sleepiness type show runs on Fox News from 7:00 PM to 10:00 PM on Friday and is widely considered the best thing on that or any other channel. It will end its run on January 21, 2957.
With three hours to kill, he has to have a lot to talk about. And boy, does he.
Contents |
Some Segments
The Daily Show
"This is the very first part of the show. It is even more first then the rest of the show, because it is so first that it comes before the first part of the show other than this part. Not this part. It is the first part". Stephen Colbert.
The Word
This segment takes up the first hour of the show. If you watch any part of this show, watch this one. But watch the whole thing or you're not supporting our troops. You're a terrorist, and you need to get a brain moran! Stephen gives his lovingly crafted rants of anger in this part, charring anyone who dares attack America, the greatest country on Earth.
This segment is infamous for containing the word "Gazorninplat" in its first episode back in 1897. That same year, the American Lingual Society for Lingual Linguists Who Talk Good Words chose that word as their word of the year without mentioning Stephen or his pet chimp, Mushu. Enraged, he wrote
them a letter so scathing that it caused their headquarters to be reduced to a smoldering pile of rubble. His justice is swift and full of chilly dogs.
Better Know a Terrorist
Stephen fills the next 10 minutes by interviewing a member of the liberal agenda. Usually ending in sobbing and being put On Notice (see below)
This Week In Gays
Colbert searches for news of the homosexual agenda and tries to push their (his) views into the innocent fragile red states that didn't hurt a fly and just want to go to heaven. Why, stephen, why?
Bear Patrol U.S.A.
Stephen Colbert and his hunting buddies travel the northwest in search of bears, nature's Godless wife-raping, child-eating, puppy-snatching, gut-punching, pro-choice killing machines. This segment may contain graphic violence unsuitable for children. Viewer discretion is advised.
The Evolution Challenge!
Stephen ties an evolution advocate up in a chair and gives him or her five minutes to grow a third arm and free themselves. It usually doesn't grow.
Bear Patrol International
Stephen hunts the most dangerous possibly-bear of all: Panda bears.
On Notice FAQ
What's this about?
You don't want to end up here, man. Those people who Stephen Colbert finds to be so detrimental to American society that they will eventually cause the breakdown of the moral code will be put on notice.
What does this mean?
Those on the On Notice board will be blacklisted by the RIAA, the CIA, the FBI, the FCC, the NBC, NAMBLA, ABC, the NRA, the ESRB, ESPN, N.W.A., and the MPAA. You will be unable to buy goods in any franchises run by Republicans, and everywhere you go people will laugh behind your back and point at you and say "Ha ha ha look at that loser" but they'll do it secretly and you won't be quite sure why they're laughing and it's going to be really embarassing.
Am I On Notice?
Probably not. But you are. The following is a list of people on notice:
- Jon Stewart
- Satan
- Oscar Wilde
- The O_RLY? owl.
- Owls in general
- France (except for Paris)
- Paris Hilton
- Hitler
- You
- Tiana
- Wikipedia and all who inhabit it.
- Stephen Colbert
- Reality
Can I Get Off Notice?
Yes you can! Just send a campaign donation of $125,222 to the next Republican presidential candidate. Better save up!
How can this get any worse?
You forgot about the "Dead To Me" board. People who have pissed off Stephen so much that he wants them dead will end up on this board. For legal reasons, Stephen does not show this list on the show, but it is available on his website. Those on this list are either dead or are about to be killed soon by either Stephen's top killing squad or Stephen himself. The list is as follows.
- Bears
- Environmentalists
- Jocks
- Nerds
- Tiana
- Uncyclopedia and all who inhabit it.
- Stephen Colbert
It can't possibly get worse than this!
Wrong. You're retarded. Those who haunt Stephen from beyond the grave will be put on the "Never Existed on the Temporal Plane" list. Stephen travels back in time, find those responsible, and moves them out of the time stream somehow. I don't know how.
The following people no longer exist:
Quotes
- On Jesus: "Okay, let's get one thing straight here. Jesus was not black, and he was not a Jew. He was a white Christian. I mean, "Christ" is his last name! Anyone telling you otherwise is a part of the Gay Black Jewish Hollywood East-Coast Ivy League-Educated Pro-Choice Socialist Liberal Agenda. Or as they're commonly known, NAMBLA."
- On Liberals: "They are pentrating the vagina of America's moral values."
- On Bears: "Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out. And by 'sort 'em out' I mean 'They're all going straight to hell in the Bear Cage of Beelzebub.'"
- On Evolution: "God created us in his own image. God is not a monkey. Therefore, Evolution is false. Read The Bible."
- On Gay Marriage: "If we let gays get married, we'll have to let people marry animals, and then we'll have to let robots get married, and God knows nobody wants that."
- On Jon Stewart: "Jon Stewart is a menace to the media. If people wanted fake news, they'd watch The Colbert Report."
- On L: "L is a bag of douche."
- On Oscar Wilde: "Who are you talking about? Is this some guy who never existed?"
- On Bill O'Reilly: "Coming up next, Bill O'Reilly!"
- On Hollywood: "You've been destroying America for far too long tinsle town. Jimmy, nuke those bastards. Nuke 'em or you're fired."
