- You may be looking for little girls and not even know it!
“In Soviet Russia, stalker gets stalked by you!!”
“I love you.”
Stalking is a fascinating way to freak people out. Excessive stalking may lead to a restraining order, which is merely a certificate that you can use to show off that you're the plaintiff's #1 fan. However, stalking may not be right for you. Sure, you could be a bit obsessed with someone, or maybe a bit insane, but there are other answers for things like that. There’s suicide (not recommended) and hitting yourself over the head with a rusty wooden spoon until you aren’t insane anymore (highly recommended). Stalking people is more than just following someone around, it takes skills. You can’t just walk around and be like “Oh hey guys, I’m a stalker! Yay!" it doesn’t work that way. You have to have technique.
What is stalking?
Stalking is something that people like to do when they have no friends, only obsessions with random people they spot on the street and often fall in love with. Stalkers tend not to wear the trench coats and freaky black hats. They can wear pants, shirts, frilly dresses (watch out for those guys), two different gloves and even designer jackets. Stalkers think you are in love with them too, and follow, call, IM, and use other ways to contact you and keep track of you
Origin of the term stalker
Contrary to popular belief, stalking is a relatively new concept. The word was invented by women, during the sexual revolution, as a way to turn the sexual advances they received by men into a crime. It worked so well that men are now very afraid of establishing any contact with women from fear that they will be arrested and charged for sexual harassment and be given a restraining order to stay at least 100 feet away from any woman living or dead, and would have to register as a sex offender. Basically any sort of contact with a woman will get you the label of stalker. Remember that girl you said hello to today? It turns out you were stalking her. Now ask your self this, Are you a male? If you answered yes you're automatically a scum bag who needs to be put behind bars. In the state of Alaska they have completely prevented stalking completely by imprisoning women for their own safety as well as imprisoning men to stop them stalking. This has been gratefully supported by the remaining free inhabitants, some children whose sex could not be determined and 2 hermaphrodites.
Before there were stalkers there were Secret Admirers, Now Secret Admirers are the same thing as a stalker, except everyone likes them, but now they're extinct. So how did this happen you ask?
How to know if you are a stalker
“If I were a stalker, I'd know her license plate number, but she's always driving into the sun for some reason”
- When people walk by you and make a coughing sound that sounds more like *cough stalker ahem cough* you know you’re a stalker. Take a hint!
- When you look at a person and then don’t stop looking at them. With the exception of your husband/wife.
- When you change your schedule to be near them to watch them.
- When you care more about them than yourself.
- You get confused between what is their life and what is your life.
- When you lick people you know for no reason
- When you wear glasses as thick as binoculars and can trans-dimensionally travel
- When you start to draw pictures of them
- When you set up false email accounts for them and pretend that you are indeed them
- When you google their name over and over to try to find information about them
- When you day-dream constantly about what it would be like for them to actually know you
What to do
There are three ways to react after you find out you’re a stalker:
- You can accept that, and keep right on stalkin'.
- You can take it really badly and swallow several small pieces of glass and buy yourself a coffin. I’ve heard that the dark red coffins are quite nice. I suggest a velvet interior.
- You can just stop, in which case. Good job. You are not a stalker. You can help me by finding stalkers and forcing them to shave off their eyebrows.
If you get caught
There are a lot of stalkers in this world and that means that you probably suck at it. Here is what you should do when you get caught: Take off your glasses and look like a hamster (jeremy lewis)
- The waddle. Turn sideways and act like a duck. Walk in small circles trying to see through your legs and crouching down. (Sound effects optional)
- Seizure. Seizure.
- Be busy looking. Find the nearest person and act as if you are in a very intense conversation with them. When they ask what you are doing, act like you have no idea what they are talking about.
- Streak. Not because they are suspicious, but because it's fun.
- Jump into the nearest thorny bush.
- Put on sunglasses. There’s nothing less obvious than sunglasses.
- Act Emo (look down, look sad, look AWAY)
- If you get arrested, try yoga.
- Disappear into the Sixth Dimension
- Pretend you own a castle in Scotland, and wear a headset and pretend you own a hosting company with a switchboard at your bedside
- Go into cardiac arrest.
- Have a stroke.
- Pretend to have a stroke.
- Pretend to have a stroke and while pretending, actually have a stroke.....then die.
- If all else fails , call the Pope. The Pope is a good stalker and can teach you to stalk better and NOT GET CAUGHT.
- Do not confuse Pope with Popo on the speed dial.
- Blame it on the one armed man, a midget, or the dog.
- Claim that you were once Clown raped and wanted to share that experience with them
If you are being stalked
- Sneeze on the person stalking you. No one likes being sneezed on (although the person in question may just attempt to extract your sneeze juice and use it to clone you).
- Walk around a small group of trees 14 times, wait and see what they do. It won't help you, but it's fun.
- If you are a male, constantly walk into the ladies room and come out with lipstick and a wig on, same with females, and the men’s room.
- Get on crowded busses, and wear big glasses. Then film yourself.
- Carry around a video camera and film everything you see. Shove the camera into your stalker's face and ask what their favorite color is.
- Confront them, they might be a nice person! (but probably won't be)
- Start stalking your stalker
- Invite the stalker to your house, knock them out, tie them up and throw them outside. They usually get the idea.
- Start your own web cam channel and vid yourself 24/7 to boost your stalking fan club.
- Leave. Now.
- Adopt a rabbit (they're cute and fuzzy! It might just throw your stalker off)
- Buy a machine gun and shoot anything behind you. (If it doesn't kill them, it will give them a subtle hint to move off and stalk some other poor person.)
- Run, its fun and it will tire them out.
- act like you're cool then fall off your chair
- do a glasses trick
- do a croaking sound (worked for jeremy)
If you have a friend or someone you know that is being stalked
The Jerry Falwell Code For Stalking in the Moral Majority states: you may give the following information to a stalker and still be cool with the gang:
"favorite TV show, favorite color, name, email, phone number, shoe-size, bra-size, social security number, credit-card numbers, license number, address, time in which they brush their teeth, DNA code, time in which they are in the airport bathroom, bra samples, panty samples, pubic-hair samples, and last time they were a boy." --Paragraph MCMZSMXXXIIVIII Part 3.
Stalkers have many ways to find out information about you including chain letters (All your friends are stalking you.) Chain letters try to find out every detail about your life then force you to send it off to everyone humanly possible to be spread across the web and if you don't, you die in strange and frankly disturbing ways involving little kids at the end of your bed (Maybe an ironic death for paedophiles?)
Here is an example of a chain letter that stalks people:
Fill in your answers then send this onto everyone you know! And even people you don't know (especially people you don't know....)
1. What is your full (including middle) name?
2. Are you planning on lying during this string of perfectly innocent questions?
4. Do you think the exits to your house are suitable enough in case anything might go wrong?
5. Do you wear fire resistant pyjamas?
6. Who do you like?
7. Do you think he/she looks pale? Do you think they might accidentaly die of natural causes?
8. If the answer to the last question was "no" then why do you think your judgement is infallible?
9. Are you superman or any other superhero?
10. Do you have anyway of defending yourself from an attacker like mace or panic whistle?
11. Do you know any self defence techniques?
12. Do you love the person who sent this to you?
13. Why don't you love them?
14. Could you learn to love them?
15. What if your life depended on it?
16. Where do you live?
17. Do you keep a spare key in case you're locked out in the area around the door?
18. If so, where?
19. Why won't you give me a spare key?
20. Where in the house is your bedroom located?
21. How many people live with you?
22. Do you have a guard dog or any other form of security system?
23. Do you think bunnies or guinea pigs are cuter?
24. Calm blue skies or my dark dank basement where no one can hear you scream?
25. When is the latest time anyone in your house would go to sleep?
26. Are any of them light sleepers and easily woken by creeping footsteps?
27. Do you have any heart condition that will affect you if a taser is used to incapacitate you?
28. What are you wearing?
29. Why don't you wear something else?
30. Don't you like the clothes I bought for you?
31. Why don't you ever open your bedroom curtains?
32. OPEN YOUR BEDROOM CURTAINS! I wasn't asking....
33. What colour do you think is better? Blood red or the cold dark Black of nothingness?
34. Do you like flowers in the mail?
35. Do you like chocolate in the mail?
36. Do you like dead puppies in the mail?
37. Would you like me in the mail?
38. What's your MSN password?
39. What's your bank password?
40. Do you have a panic room?
41. How do I get into your panic room?
42. Do people behind bushes creep you out?
43. What's infront of you right now?
44. What's the most precious thing to you in your bedroom?
45. Would you do anything to get your mother/father back safely alive?
46. Do you like cats or dogs more?
47. What's your favourite flavour of icecream?
48. Do you think your room would look good coloured red?
49. I do...
50. Are your windows reinforced or easy to break?
51. Are you a good runner?
52. What's your social security number?
53. Don't you think "security" is ironically amusing?
54. I do...
55. How many people will you send this to?
56. Do any of them deserve your attention more than I do?
58. Do you expect to hear back from any of the people you sent this to... ever again...?
59. Where do you go on sunday nights?
60. Where do you go on saturday nights?
61. What subjects do you take at school and when are then on during the day?
62. What school do you go to?
63. Who do you sit next to?
64. Do you think they could outrun my car?
65. Do you think they could survive a car "accident"?
66. What do you dream about?
67. What was your first word?
68. Did you cry during the movie bambi?
69. Did you laugh at the number 69?
70. Who did you last talk to?
71. Do they know where you are right now?
72. Will you be missed?
73. What's your favourite film?
74. I'm always watching you
75. Do you like baby pandas?
76. Do you have children?
77. If so, what are their names?
78. What will you be doing tomorrow night?
79. What's your favourite automobile brand?
80. What's your favourite South American country?
OK if you don't send this on to anyone in the next 24 hours they will assume you missing and you shall not be harmed.
... also, if you send this to anyone they will most likely call the police on you! Anyone who ever reads this will think you're the biggest psychotic stalker of all time...
Further Reading To Enhance Stalking Techniques
- The BIG Book of Stalking
- Stalking for Dummies
- Stalkers Bible
- Stalking Made Easy
- 'She Doesn't Know I Care': Tips For Stalking
- The Idiots Handbook To Stalking
- 'I Swear I Wasn't Looking At You': Ready Made Excuses For Sticky Stalking Situations
- 'I Honestly Wasn't Looking At You, I Dropped My Phone Battery into your shoe and...': What not to do when caught stalking
- Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
- Jack and the Beanstalk
- Little Red Riding Hood
- The Chernobyl survivor's interactive guide to Stalking
jeremy lewiss autobiography;stalking is fun but dangerous by the way i'm behind you