“I Pity the Foo'!”
“Sally Eats Hairy Squid”
“That's what you fucking deserve, Steve Harper!”
SEHS (Sudden Exploded Head Syndrome), also known in the pseudo-scientific community as Hyper-Cerebral Electrosis, or HCE, is a condition believed to be caused by overloading the brain with the body's own electricity through intense thinking and concentration, resulting in the spontaneous combustion or volatile explosion of the patient's head. However, there are other possible causes, as listed below.
Though SEHS is widely accepted by experts as a fatal disease, in some certain individuals (also known as godless Communists or X-Men), once the brain ceases all thought, the head reforms with startling regularity. However, it has sometimes been thought to refer to one whose ego has exploded beyond reasonable proportions.
SEHS is a genetic disease, and usually inherited from Your Mom. It is estimated that approximately 1 in every 5 persons carries the SEHS virus. There is no cure, save to rip your head open and expose it to the vacuum of space. Like with Decapitation Disease and Chicken Pox, it is however very rare for a person to develop the disease more than once in a lifetime. Experts believe that exploding head syndrome has been hindering scientific advancements for centuries due to the spark that sets it off, but skeptics reply that these experts' heads are most likely full of air.
The first case described was Jesus. Despite popular belief, Jesus did not die due to crucifixion, he died because, while on the cross, his head suddenly exploded due to too much thinking, a common trait of his followers. The religious types immediately passed it off as an Act of Gawd, for Gawd wanted to ease his only child's suffering. The scientific community disagreed, but was swiftly burnt at the stake for heresy.
Though the case above is believed to be the first-known, the affliction of SEHS began when the famous author, H. G. Wells, wrote a book called The Time Machine. Upon reading the novel, people were prompted to ask the question: "If I went back in time and changed the future, wouldn't it mean that in that future I wouldn't have wanted to go back in time and change the future, which would mean that I never went back in the first place, which would mean that I would have wanted to go back into the future, which would mean that I didn't but...", and so on. Because human beings in this part of history had no defense (and some still don’t) against infinite time loops the human brain would overload and burst, ruining everyone's nice Victorian clothing.
The Time Machine was banned for, well, a time before resurfacing in the 1980s under the name of The Terminator, causing massive cranial explosions in all of the major cities in North America. Many of the finest and most intelligent minds of our century were wiped out by this debilitating condition. This helped cause the New York Blackouts, American Idol, Big Brother and inspired most of the special effects in Dawn of the Dead.
This disease was also observed in the 1994 Moscow Candidate Masters' Chess Championships, in which one chess player, Nikolai Titov, concentrated so hard that his head literally exploded in the middle of a game, splattering all over his opponent, Yuri Shergar. However, reports claim that the following day, a somewhat shell-shocked Titov was sighted, complete with a new head: Shergar's.
Sudden Unexploded Head Syndrome
In many cases the brain does not produce sufficient thoughts to set off the reaction. This condition is known as Sudden Unexploded Head Syndrome (SUHS). It is considered less dangerous than SEHS, but can cause delusional states, erratic behaviour, and an inability to answer questions without help from a speaker in your back. Like SEHS, SUHS is remarkably common in the Presidents of the United States of America, most notably Richard Fucks-Up, Ronald Ray-gun and George W. Bush. It is the primary objective of the Presidential Security Team to keep the President away from naked flames and other sources of thought-process ignition.
Because of the rarity of the disease, it is often misdiagnosed such as in the cases of John F. Kennedy and Abraham Lincoln. Both actually died after an attack of the syndrome, which was attracted by a sudden overload of awesomeness.
There is some dispute over this syndrome as to whether it should actually be called "SAHS", short for: Spontaneously Asploding Head Syndrome or stay as "SEHS". It is said that the monkeys in the labs (OLPWMAS: Official Lab Place Where Monkeys Asplode Stuff) are still arguing over it, using humans as experimental guinea pigs. The monkeys have recently announced that OLPWMAS has made no progress whatsoever and that there have been many casualties. The case stands at a stand still.
Fun Facts of SEHS!
- It has been rumored that the Borg have a working cure (evident by the vacuum tubes protruding from their head), but refuse to share it because they are selfish bitches.
- Sudden Exploding Head Syndrome backwards is emordnyS daeH gnidolpxE nedduS.
- Various characters in the Bloom County comic strip have experienced SEHS, usually after snorting dandylions.
- Huffing white kittens may increase the risk of SEHS. The Surgeon general recommends that you just stick to the orange ones, as these have been shown to reduce the risk significantly, or at least fuck you up so good you won't care.
- Drinking kitten lemonade is also theorized to be a cause of SEHS when consumed by creatures that are not kittens.
Other Causes Of SEHS!
- Trying to explain the popularity of Big Brother
- Listening to George Bush for too long
- Filling out bureaucratic forms
- A sudden overload of awesomeness
- When women tell men, "You should know why I'm angry. I shouldn't have to tell you".
- Attempting to get a VISA from the Chinese or American embassy
- Extreme sarcasm
- Navigating voice response menus when calling for service
- Bacteria in the cytoplasm that builds up when such words are spoken: onomatopoeia, msn messenger and quotes of the likes of "George Bush is hip" and "My Anus is bleeding =D".
- Being logged into too many systems, all with different ids (worse if you have to go through one to get to the next)
- Engaging in an excessive number of instant messenger conversations simultaneously
- Stoically trying to convince yourself your head will not explode to get over the fear of your head exploding.
- Listening to someone speak in binary.
Fun Ways to Cause SEHS!
- Make the victim watch a Hello Kitty Marathon
- 01010011 01110000 01100101 01100001 01101011 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01000010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001
- 5p34|< 1/V 1337
- (for people who aren't morons) Calculate the value of 0^0. (if 1^0=1 and x^0=1, then 0^0=1. However, since 3^0=3/3=1 and x^0=x/x=1. then 0^0=0/0=impossible, yet any number^0=1....)
Famous Sufferers of SEHS!
- Most people who have come in contact with Geraldo Rivera
- Abraham Lincoln
- John F. Kennedy
- Kurt Cobain
- Hunter S. Thompson
- Adolf Hitler
- Billy Mays
- HG Wells
- The Bride of Frankenstein
- Woody Allen
- Albert Einstein's friend, Jim Nearpodil
- SIDS (Sudden Instant Death Syndrome)
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