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“What the hell is a rutabaga?”
“NO! Not rutabagas!”
The rutabaga is an alleged vegetable that began life as a cross between a cabbage and a turnip, much like the mule is a cross between a horse and a donkey. In the mules' defense, they at least are good for kicking people in the buttocks, unlike the good for nothin' rutabagas. The perpetrator of this cross was later found legally insane, and spent the rest of their life in a vegetable-like state after receiving multiple kicks in the buttocks from a mob of donkeys drunk on turnip juice.
The Rutabaga In History
Much of the history of rutabagas has been lost in a shroud of disinterest. Unfortunately, some facts remain.
One evening in Holland, a teenaged Hans Brinker snuck out to meet his sweetheart for a rendezvous under one of the ubiquitous dikes. Hans carried with him a rucksack full of food he intended for a romantic moonlit picnic, and that he hoped would allow him to score. Things were going well and the evening was taking an intimate turn when he reached into the rucksack to produce the piece de resistance, a pint of his sweetheart's favorite Ben and Jerry's ice cream, only to discover a rutabaga in it's place. "You bastard! How could you?" his sweetheart screamed, slapped him squarely across the face and ran away sobbing. She later married Ronald McDonald in a short-lived marriage that ended in an acrimonious divorce after he caught her cheating with a Whopper. Meanwhile, back at the dike, Hans shouted "Damn you to hell, rutabaga" hurled the rutabaga into the horizon with all his might, where it ricocheted off the dike and pegged him in the nose. (oh, my nose!) Suddenly, he saw something that curdled his blood. A thin stream of water was trickling through a small hole in the dike. "Not again, he groaned, "that hole must be plugged or this entire country will become another Waterworld" he thought, shuddering. Thinking quickly, he seized the rutabaga and thrust it into the hole, sparing his country from a starring role in a Kevin Costner turkey. Hans kept watch over the dike all night. The black night sky was just giving way to the first pink rays of dawn when he was discovered by a roving band of karoake singers, who subsequently alerted the townspeople. Hans was arrested and convicted of dike vandalism and possession of a rutabaga. He was sentenced to listen to the karoake singers' rendition of Barry Manilow's greatest hits. The rutabaga was hailed as a hero for a few minutes, until people came to their senses.
The rutabaga is known in the U.S. as "the Swedish turnip". The Swedes were so incensed on hearing of this they took to the streets and kvetched for three days in what became known as the Great Rutabaga Tempest In A Teapot. The crisis came to an amicable end when the Queen of Sweden received a Western Union telegram containing the results of Gallop's rutabaga poll. 9 out of 10 Americans polled were unable to identify Sweden, America, Sri Lanka, or the neighborhood grocery store on a map and had no idea what the hell turnips or rutabagas are. Stop. The vast majority of those polled were shocked to find Sweden is a country, as they had labored for years under the misconception it was brand of lite beer. Only 1 of the 10 were able to pick a rutabaga out of a lineup of useless crap, the rest ran away screaming and were later awarded a milestone judgment against Gallop. As an apology, the American Stupified Society of Ululating and Meaningful Emoting (ASSofUandME) presented the city of Soderhamn, Sweden with a fruitcake in the shape of Bugs Bunny.
The Truth About Rutabagas
Rutabagas are a threat to all mankind. A single bite of rutabaga can be instantly fatal to humans, animals, yetis, snowpeople, cyborgs, imaginary friends, virtual pets, alien life forms, and George W. Bush. Most living things are protected from this horrible fate by the rutabagas foul taste, which is similar to horseradish mixed with raisins and mayonnaise under a bad moon and doused with gasoline. People who survive injesting this scourge are at risk for all manner of phantasmagoric side effects: gigantism, rabbititis, Unitarianism, and the irrestible urge to visit Funky Town and/or join Starland Vocal Band, to name a few. Piercing the skin of a rutabaga will cause everyone in a 50ft. radius to be compelled to do the Hokey Pokey and turn themselves around.
Although most of their history is unknown, recent discoveries have uncovered a disturbing trend of rutabaga involvement in our history's most tragic and unpleasant events. Their bland appearance belies their true insidious nature. Unlike their more aggressive cousins, the homicidal screaming carrots and killer tomatoes, rutabagas work their evil in a subtle, indirect manner, usually influencing or tricking innocent parties into doing their dirty work.
Bad Things Rutabagas Have Done
- the Hatfield/McCoy feud started when Mrs. Hatfield tried to give Mrs. McCoy a rutabaga casserole as a housewarming gift
- rutabagas were the primary ingredient of the New Coke
- L. Ron Hubbard founded the Church of Scientology acting on orders from a rutabaga he heard inside his head
- Hitler was raised on a diet of rutabagas, and everyone knows what that led to
- the grassy knoll was transported to Dallas from a rutabaga farm
- rutabagas were seen lurking in the vicinity of the Olympic clock during the 1972 men's basketball gold medal game
- the colonists of Roanoke, Virginia disappeared without a trace shortly after the rutabaga crop was harvested. the only clue to their fate was the word "rutabagas" carved into a tree, along with a skull and crossbones
- Jimmy Webb wrote MacArthur Park while under the influence of rutabagas
- Don't Worry, Be Happy was also written by some schmuck under the influence of rutabagas
- Jimmy Hoffa allegedly ate rutabagas for his last meal
- the Crusades originally started as an argument over who hated rutabagas more
- rutabagas are responsible for the creation of Scrappy Doo
- rutabagas have not saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico
- a rutabaga once snuck up on a cow, causing it to kick over a lantern and start the Chicago Fire
- the Edsel was really designed by rutabagas
- Yoko Ono was on an all-rutabaga diet when she broke up the Beatles
If You See A Rutabaga
Never, under any circumstances, approach a rutabaga. If you ever see a rutabaga experts advise you should run like hell screaming "Oh, my God, it's a rutabaga!" at the top of your lungs. When you have reached a safe place, dial 911. A specially trained Emergency Rutabaga Removal Squad will be dispatched. Once they have determined it is indeed a rutabaga, and not a hot air balloon, it will be securely transported to a hyperbaric chamber and blown to smithereens.