Rock and Roll
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“I once went to a Rock concert, it was the shit.”
“Did somebody call me?”
“Fuck this shit its for pussies!.”
Yeah, listen to me now, I'm gonna tell you that rock and roll (pronounced: "rolk en rowl") is a type of music whicch wwas created in the year of 122 when singer Just a Fool at All started to sing the genre to some cats. Still only cats listen to rock'n'roll. The only good rocker was Jimi Hendrix. The rest of them base their careers off of being emo and freaky.
Types of Rock n' Roll
- Alternative(oasis man its the best of rock)
- Nudist rock
- Nudist metal (aka pubic metal)
- The Metal (No one can beat the metal)
Fundamentals of a Rock Band
Most of the good rock bands have:
- Someone who sings
- Someone who Guitars
- A bass guitarist who looks good
- Someone who knows what the fuck a bass is and how to play said bass
- A drummer (one arm minimum, although in the future, 3 arms may become the norm)
Sometimes, Guitar players or Bass Magicians double as singers. Drummers can sing, but only if they kick ass, like buddy miles. he later discontinued kicking ass when he quit the band of hippies in 197000 B.C. In addition to members, being famous always helps. Fans are good too. Whatever floats your boat, dude. Most bands have to have a lot of booze backstage to be successful. Synthesizers are also acceptable. A bunch of nice strippers always goes down well, especially if one happens to be...YOUR MOM.
- A wierd looking meterosexual with dark eyeliner
- A drug addict who smashes his guitar after every performance.
Shawn Says cock Is the best
The rock mentality
In order to be a true "rocker" there are certain things you need. One requirement is men. Men up a rocker's status in the world, espically if the man is Pikachu Bin Laden. Take as an example rocker George Dubya Bush. Men invoke a true rock mentality. It also helps to be a pompous airhead who is full of oneself. Again, take rocker George Dubya Bush as an example. Another essential is having a big dong and being a star in a porno with Pamela Anderson. A suitable demonstration of the above effect is Tommy Lee, rocker of Motley Crue fame. I hate that guy. Also important is drugs and booze. Develop the belief that heroin will make you live forever. Eat crack with your lunch. Drink yourself into a stupor every night. LSD is also essential. A true rocker also worships Satan, Cthulhu, GWAR, King Diamond and other ismilar Dark Gods and Demons.
Babes and boobies. Though they rarely achiece their goal. They "inspire" music and bring about the rock mentality. Another thing that can "inspire" a rocker is Kitten Huffing or the famous friend of many rockers "Mary Jane". Some rockers are "inspired" through "Personal Experience", but nobody uses that to write songs anymore. Another big inspiration for rockers is drugs.
The Life and Death of the First Rock Band
Once upon a time, Jesus, with his long hair and extremist ideas, played the lyre (primitave bass from the time of Dinosaurs). His magical electric lyre made waves among the femine disposition. He decided to play with a group of his friends and they began the first rock band. This band included Chuck Norris on the skin flute, Santa on the drums, and Jimi Hendrix as Guitar! All that was lacking from this band was a name... Hooty and the Blofish was an instant classic. After viewing the success of the band, the devil created a sucky anti-band he called Hootie and the Blowfish. They ruined Jesus's good name among the rock community and he was forced to retreat back into heaven after beign crucified on Hendrix's Guitar! Never again was Jesus to jam with Jimi Hendrix. As luck would have it, Jimi Hendrix was a Kitten Huffer and came up to see Jesus in a matter of minutes. Some say that God pulled a few strings, but no one knows for sure. After losing it's two most vital members, the band split up. Santa Claus went down the path of a pedophile and Chuck Norris began a solo career as an assassin, karate chopping ninjas to pay his bills.
Modern Rock n' Roll
Modern Rock n' Roll was invented by Calvin Klein in Hill Valley, California on November 12, 1955. Klein joined Marvin Berry & The Starlighters on stage at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance and performed the first rock song, Johnny B. Goode. During the song, Berry calls his cousin, Chuck, who had been searching for a new sound. Hearing the music over the phone, Chuck Berry became the first modern successful rock n roll muscian.
The History of Rock & Roll
The History Of Rock and Roll : Part 1
And on the 9th day the Lord did chastise Ian Astbury. He said unto him "Though Shalt Not Rock, Unless Thyne Hymn Doth Rise Into A Hail Of Flailing Guitars". And Ian did say...."YAYAAAH". Ian defied the Lord Almighty and on the 10th day he did meet Billy Duffy and a quartet was formed. They called themselves The Southern Death Cult. The Lord was not happy and turned Ian into a Red Indian.
and on the 12th day God did see Billy Duffy and the Red Indian sniffing around the Garden of Gethsemane. God did say to them "Why do happen across these sacred gardens carrying an axe ?" and The Indian did say "It is not an axe oh lord, it is a tomahawk" and god did say "for what reason do you have Tommypork ?" and the Indian did say "we are here to slay the filthy rockpig" and god did say "where did you hear of the rockpig ?". And the one they call Billy replied "at the Ressurection of Joe". and there was a moment of silence. and then god did say "ok then, but take those feathers out of your arse, you look like a girl" "Yeyaah" said the Indian.
and on the 15th day Jesus was sat contemplating in the dusty fields of the Nephilim where upon he spotted the one they call Billy and the Red Indian. and Jesus did say unto the rockers "why do you look so sad my children ?" and the Indian did say "there is a revolution my sire and we want no part of it" and Jesus did say "well lads, i'm no fecking councillor and i've got a coffee table to knock up by noon, why not speak to Mary Magdelene ?" "why ?" enquired the one they call Billy. "because she sells sanctuary, my child" and the Indian did say "yayaaah!"
and on the 16th day Jesus was walking through the garden of eden when he came across the Red Indian and the one they call Billy. The Red indian was in tears and Jesus did say "what is the matter my child?" and the Red indian did say "i fell from that olive tree my lord" and Jesus did say "you need a plaster on that cut my son" and the one they call billy said "you dont want a plaster, you want Apache !" and the Red Indian did say "Yaaayaah!". and Jesus did roll his eyes into the back of his head and carried on walking to the pie shop.
and on the 18th day Billy and the Indian were walking through the Garden of Gethsemane when the spotted smoke signals. They followed the smoke and found Moses and Iggy Pop sat on a knoll, drawing on the biggest carrot they'd ever seen. "Iggy" said Billy, "Where you been man?". "I've been in the Fields of the Nephilim with Siouxsie Sioux" said the Igg. "Isn't she a Fire Woman?" asked The Indian. "Yeah" said the Igg "Yaaayaaah,Yaaayaaah" said the Indian. The Igg sat there somewhat confused at The Indian's outburst when all of a sudden King Herod's Snack Van pulled up. Herod was crushed to a pulp in the melee and had to go back to Macro that afternoon. The Igg drove but wrecked the snack van on the Palestine Bypass when Resurrection Joe appeared from nowhere on a blind bend. When they swerved to miss him they hit a Sanctuary Seller's Stall. Billy and the Indian did laugh when they found out.
and on the 19th day Billy and The Indian were strolling down the ancient Babylon freeway when they did bump into Noah looking somewhat dishevelled and bemused. "What troubles you Noah?" enquired Billy. "I am missing a chicken, have you seen one?" "Yeyeah" says the Indian. "He crossed the road back there, but I would hurry as he was being chased by The Igg". "The Igg?". "Yes, The Igg" said Billy. "He is foraging in the wilds as he is being chased by Herods men for damage to the ancient kings property". "Has he turned into a real wild one?" asked Noah. "Yaaayaaah" said the Indian. "What brings you two to this neck of the woods?" asks Noah. "We were off to the Jerusalem market to sell our fat filthy rockpig but it got mauled by The Igg 300 yards out of Hebron". They all stood there and huffed in disbelief. "Anyone fancy a pint?" said Noah. "Yaaaayaaaaah" said the Indian "Yep" said Billy. "Moses is in the Manger and Cross by now, he can buy the first round but we must rush". They missed Moses but all got wrecked. It was a Monday.
and on the 20th day as Billy & the Indian wandered the Garden of Eve, a voice from a bush spoke unto them. "Why are you here ?", "We wander the garden" replied Billy, "Yeayah" agreed the indian. "We seek a flower - A Wild Flower.." said Billy, Yeayah, yeayah, agreed the Indian. The voice spoke unto them more, "To seek a Wild Flower, you must be familiar with the garden" Yeayah, said the Indian, "We know All About Eve." " We shall look along the Curve by the Electric Ocean, we have searched for many days and nights, our only shelter was living in a shack in a one horse town". The voice spoke. "You strangers speak in strange ways, Wild Flowers, Electric Oceans." "Are you some kind of Cult" Yeayah.
And on the 21st day Billy & The Indian regained the search along the Curve of the Electric Ocean in the Garden of Eve seeking the elusive "Wild Flower" "There are lots of flowers here Billy" said the Indian, "how will we know which is the "Wild Flower". "It is writ" said Billy, "He who seeketh the Wild Flower, must first defeat the devil". "Is it a big Devil ?" enquired the Indian. "No", said Billy, guarding a smile, At the end of the Electric Ocean, by Martha's Harbour in The Garden of Eve they found the Flower. "Shall I grab it" said the Indian, "No" replied Billy "First we must kill the Li'l Devil". "Shall I call for the Igg" said the Indian. "The Igg is needed not for this task" said Billy, "to kill the Li'l Devil, we need a spear". " A Burning Spear ?" said the Indian. "No" Said Billy, "This requires The Spear of Destiny". "Thought it might" said the Indian.
The Great Rock n' Roll War
The battle for the heart and soul of Rock and Roll (hey I rhymed) is an infinite battle. A war that has taken place since the beginning of time, a war that is happening right now all around us , and a battle that will still rage long after our deaths. It started with A then little known Polka group called Van Halen, named for the now feared the Dark Lord Eddie Van Halen. Singing for Van Halen was A wealthy Landowner and thrill seeker Baron David Lee Roth. With their powers combined they made many Epic albums, While the Dark Lord laid his plans for his musical Rebirth as BA-AL, the undead embodiment of Dark Music, all the while the unsuspecting Roth played into his hands (Talons). Tensions in the band rose as Roth slowly caught on to Van Halen's demonic plans to play all music with synthesizers and keyboards, and practice necromancy (mostly from Eddie's books on Necromancy and Keyboard for beginners casually strewn about everywhere) but on the Completion of their album "1984" and an examination of the lyrics of "Hot for Teacher" Roth discovered Eddie's secret plans and proclaimed "Musical Shenanigans" on Eddie. Of course in the musical world this is a declaration of war of the Highest magnitude, and the lines were drawn.
But Eddie Van Halen's power ran deep and his list of allies grew long. Roth rose up against in the epic "Battle for Van Halen" but was soundly defeated by a demonic Triumvirate of Eddie Van Halen, Michael Jackson, and Eddie's young student Sammy Hagar. Roth sought help from the musical community and all musicians were forced to pick sides, stand with Roth against the growing darkness of Eddie Van Halen or Join him and live in eternal dark bliss?
The ensuing battle was for the ages, A battle to Rival even Cannae and Wolf 359 on terms of pure destruction. All Rockers on all planes of time were called upon to save rock from a future of digital compression and synthesizeation. The two sides met in cleveland on the lawn of the rock n' roll hall of fame. Roth's call had been heard across all space and time and many noble warriors had answered. But Eddie had put out his own call to Michael Jackson and his formidable Zombie Army, Celine Dion and her clone army and even the hellish illterate soldiers of the rap "music" world.
Boston with their fleet of mighty guitar shaped Space ships along with Angus Young's orbital war Zeppelins, KISS riding Pterodactyls and Jimmy Buffet leading a squadron of the B-52's pushed back Michael Jackson's Mighty zombie army on the left flank, but were themselves struck out of the sky by all rap Embodied in Giant Curtis "Fidy cent" Jackson, the Son of Satan and Michael Jackson.
This resulted in Roth's famous, although ridiculous quote of "Charge giant "Fidy Cent" Jackson!" Roth leading a mighty cavalry charge of Led Zeppelin, The Who and Mott the Hoople, Radiohead, and the Doors (Thanks mostly of Thom Yorke's Lazey Laser Eye) easily cut through Celine dion and her clone army, and were on the verge of defeating Giant "fidy Cent" Jackson when the Dark Lord himself and his young apprentice entered the battle, and all seemed lost. When Suddenly the clouds parted and Neutral Milk Hotel descended from the heavens and turned the tide. As mighty as Van Halen was, He was no match for the combined powers of Ace Frehley and his band of Superheroes, who's powers include Super-Cooking, X-Ray beard, Jazz-Listening, and Banjo. The Battle was long and The side of Rock lost many noble warriors, the battle even left Ace Frehley of KISS void of any sanity.
The Fallen Include: Jim Morrison of The Doors, Jimi Hendrix, John Bonham Of Led Zeppelin, Bon Scott of AC/DC, Paul Stanely of KISS, Keith Moon of The Who, Jerry Garcia of The Grateful Dead, and Randy Roach of Black Sabbath.
May they R.I.P. A second Rock War, known as the Rock Wars of 2050 took place after this, and was much greater and oh so much better. It would also make a better movie/video game/book. (hint hint Gene Simmons)
The Physics of Rock
As we all know, Rock concerts generate incredible amounts of Ethereal energy - we all feel some of the energy created, for example the rising of hair on the back of the neck, the uncontrollable rhythmic moving of the body and in some cases in the presence of high level guitarists (11 or above aka Ted Nugent level) the clothes of men being turned to pure gold, and the clothes of women being completely blown off. The exact amount of Ethereal energy can be calculated by the equation , where E is the Ethereal energy, m is the song's tempo, and c is the guitarist's numeric level . But most of this other worldly energy is channeled through the band, but not all band members are capable of handling such power. In the case of the Jimi Hendrix experience Mitch Mitchell and Noel Redding were relatively low level musicians, and thus Hendrix was forced to absorb massive amounts of Pure Rock summoned from the ethereal realms, which of course resulted in his Ascension past level 15 on the Rock Guitar Scale which on the mortal plane appears as death by choking on vomit (Note: vomit may not always be guitarist's own).
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