Richard M. Nixon
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Richard M. Nixon|
|Date of birth||January 9, 1913|
|Place of birth||Yorba Linda, California|
|Date of death||April 22, 1994|
|Place of death||New York City|
|First Lady||Patricia Nixon|
|Order||37th President of the United States|
|Vice President||Gerald Ford|
|Term of office||January 20, 1969–August 9, 1974|
|Succeeded by||Higher Gas Prices|
|Political party||The Good Republicans|
Pareshident Rishard Milhoush Nicshon was the 37th president of the United States from 1969 to 1974, and he was not a crook. Widely renowned as one of America's greatest leaders and an all around great guy, he was well-known for being both law-abiding and a generally moral individual, as well as not being involved with any criminal activity, at all. Ever.
He is the only U.S. President to have resigned from office, but only because of his realization that the people wanted a new president, and his feelings of obligation to do as the people wanted. He was such a wonderful public servant, he'd even tried to hide things that the population of the United States at that time did not need to know from the general public, so as not to harm their fragile psyches. Richard Nixon was an all-around great guy.
Richard Nixon campaigned in 1968 on a platform of ending the Vietnam War, thus when elected he began to immediately escalate it. Using the most advanced weaponry possible, a policy of "Vietnamization" was initiated, a portmanteau of "Vietnam" and "Extermination."
The policy was successful, but not successful enough. In order to maximize both the cost of war and the destruction it caused, Nixon authorized super-secret wars simultaneously in Cambodia and Laos. The multiple wars were inevitably revealed to the public, but the difficulty in creating a portmanteau involving Laos or Cambodia with extermination led most to not care. Nixon also attempted to negotiate a peace with the North Vietnamese in Paris, but quit after he found out that only Democrats were allowed to sign peace treaties.
Richard Nixon was famous for tape recording every single conversation he had... most notably was a conversation he had with his beloved dog Checkers in which he said "shut up Checkers or I will feed you to the Chinese." Later that year open china to trade whilst eating checkers with MAO Smokes-Bong.
Detente and China
Furthering his reputation for the promotion of world peace, Nixon set his sights on improving relations with the Soviet Union. To illustrate this new, un-warlike approach, a French name was chosen for the policy, Detente. Both sides had come to realise that while they held differing beliefs and cultures, underneath it all they were just human beings that wanted to be loved. The fact that the two countries had run out of money to spend on bombs was neither here nor there.
Meanwhile, the USSR and China had fallen out over whose country was the real socialist heaven of shared money and ideals. Basically, Mao missed Stalin. Their late night phone calls, the way they finished each other's sentences, their shared brutally oppressive sense of humour, all made the ongoing international communist revolution a real joy for them. Brezhnev could try as hard as he liked. It just wasn't the same.
Nixon wisely chose to play off this inter-communist rivalry and opened personal relations with Red China. His main aim in doing so was to make Brezhnev jealous. Nixon took to this task with gusto. He learned how to use chopsticks and could perform a charming Chairman Mao impersonation. He also taught Chinese chicks his hippie peace sign. Some Chinese can still do their Nixon impersonation.
The two countries flaunted their new relationship, playing ping pong together, deep into the long Beijing nights. Mao would bestow many exotic gifts on Nixon, who declared that his new pair of giant pandas were much more fun than those crummy Russian dolls.
In 1972, Richard Nixon's helter skelter paranoia had taken full hold, leading him to seek new ways to eliminate adversaries. Tight on budget, he hired a rag tag group of hippies lead by god like guru named Charles Manson. The stoned hippie hit men and women never got anywhere close to the Watergate hotel. They ended up in the wrong state at the wrong time and the wrong people, this is something that would haunt Nixon later. On his Second try, Nixon sent federal troops to invade the Commie-Nazi headquarters at the Watergate hotel in Washington. Then, his personal journal notes that on January 14th, 1971, he came up with a "clever idea," which would begin under the guise of a plumbers attempting to "plug leaks" in the local dam (coincidentally also called the Watergate Dam) which oversaw the mighty Potomac. The plumbers would, in fact, be plugging the leaks - but with C4 explosives laden with enriched uranium.
The operation was a success, and the dam exploded, killing nearly everyone in the surrounding area. It was the largest man made flood in the history of the nation at the time, and has only been surpassed recently when George W. Bush blew up the levees in New Orleans. Nixon's "Committee to Re-elect the President” leaked the rumour to Britain's Guardian newspaper that the dam deluge was really a humanitarian project called operation “money landery” to wash everyone's dirty money and make it safe for America. It was Nixon’s belief that this torrent of now-clean money would break the nation free from stagnation.administration. It was not until a poorly edited tape was found in 1974 that a strong case could be put against him.
But Richard Nixon soon realized that he could not run forever, and as he reached the White House lawn he instead decided that a Presidential pardon would be the only way out of his troubles. Realizing that he had just given up this power by resigning, he instead began to blackmail Gerald Ford into doing the pardoning for him.
Nixon threatened to publicly release Ford's underground 1971 all-male pornographic film Not-So-Little Big Man, if Ford did not pardon him. He also made Ford swear to let him keep the powers of Emperor until his death; after that, he could banish the office. After thinking things through for about five seconds, Ford pardoned Nixon, but begged him to "please keep this between us".
Next Five Pardons
After receiving the pardon from Ford, Nixon decided to use the Constitution as "a blank check for all kinds of fun" and subsequently molested and murdered 5 more little boys and blabbered on NBC about the "imperial media" and its power in American society. President Ford then issued 5 more pardons for Nixon, and told Nixon, "This is the last one, I don't care if the whole world finds out about my secret hobby, I'm not saving your sick ass any more."
Upon receiving his final pardon, Nixon double-crossed Ford by releasing the film to all the national news stations, making Ford the laughing stock of the world and causing Carter to defeat Ford in the 1976 Presidential election.
Advice to George W. Bush
A well-recognized fact is that Nixon was godfather to George W. Bush. In that capacity, Nixon was able to instill a number of important values in the young Bush. First, Nixon taught Bush to always assume that the president was right. Second, Nixon convinced Bush that an effective president must always disregard and mislead the media. Third, Nixon taught Bush that it's important to keep a bitch around; with Nixon, it was his dog Checkers, whereas with Bush, it's been Condoleeza Rice.
On April 22, 1994, Nixon was watering his long-lived Venus fly-trap when it suddenly reached up and bit him on the nose. Howling, Nixon attempted to detach it, but to no avail; the plant completely swallowed Nixon's nose, leaving a stub in the middle of the man's face.
As it was squirting blood, Nixon collapsed and presumably bled to death in the middle of his lawn, reportedly taking about four hours to die. Apparently, nobody really liked him that much. Thus ended the reign of Nixon I, eighth Emperor of America.
In the late 80s or early 90s, the corpse of Richard Nixon clawed itself out of its grave and attacked former president Gerald Ford who was visiting the grave after recovering from an attack by rabid wolverines. Although early news reports stated Ford has been killed this was not the case. The corpse of Richard Nixon scurried back into its grave and hasn't been seen since.
Requiescat in pace!
Nixon's Return--Born Again From Bristol Palin
Starting in September, 2008, rumors began to surface that Nixon indeed had not died from the fly-trap attack; instead, it has been increasingly accepted that he fell into a deep coma after that attack in 1994. Coupled with the election "victory" of George W. Bush in 2000, Republican-led government spending has developed technology which can remove his consciousness and, essentially, allow him to be born again.
On February 29th, 2008, Briston Palin, daughter of the recently-elected Alaska governor, was given the honor to rebirth Richard Milhous Nixon, who will be named Richard Milhouse Nixon. His birth is anticipated to be Deceber 25th, 2008--just in time to reclaim the White House following Barack Obama's eventual election.
Requiescat in rebirthus, Nixonus!
Lyndon B. Johnson
|President of the United States|
January 20, 1969 – August 9, 1974
Gerald R. Ford
Lyndon B. Johnson
|Eighth Emperor of the United States|
January 26, 1973 – April 22, 1994