Renaldo Lapuz

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{{q|You are a great perzon Zymon Kawel, I love you!|Renaldo Lapuz|Simon Cowell}}
 
{{q|You are a great perzon Zymon Kawel, I love you!|Renaldo Lapuz|Simon Cowell}}
   
'''Renaldo Lapuz''' is the greatest, meanest, [[Samuel Jackson|baddest motherfucking]] [[pimp]] that ever lived. He's so badass, he faced [[Simon Cowell]] head on and annoyed the living shit out of him by singing a bad assed motherfucking song about his brother. After Simon Cowell dissed his undeniable talent and great fashion sense, instead of bitch slapping the [[gay]] [[British|Brit]], he turned the other cheek and gave Simon the love his parents never gave him - just like what [[Jesus]] did to the [[Jew]]s.
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[[God]] was so impressed, he adopted Renaldo as his own son so that Jesus will have a brother, and together they sang the music that they liked.
 
 
WHOOOOOAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
 
   
 
==Origins==
 
==Origins==
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[[Cloverfield]] producer J.J. Abrams described Renaldo Lapuz as a "baby" who has been underwater for thousands of years that emerges "confused, disoriented, and irritable; immature and suffering from 'separation anxiety'". He compared Renaldo to a rampaging elephant, saying "there's nothing scarier than something in a White Pimp Suit that's spooked". Abrams described Renaldo's reaction to its surroundings, "It’s this new environment that it finds frightening."
 
 
Although "just a baby," Renaldo has a high resistance to projectile weaponry. Shells from M-1 Abrams, AT4 rockets, missiles from F/A-18s, MLRS and Mk 82 bombs from a B-2 Bomber, even Simon Cowell's witty but gay insults failed to do any long term damage to it.
 
 
Abrams pointed out that Renaldo carries smaller parasites in his Silver Pimp cape which it sheds as part of a 'post-birth ritual'. The parasites are described as "horrifying, dog-sized creatures that just scatter around the city and add to the nightmare of the evening." Abrams added, "The parasites have a voracious, rabid, bounding nature, but they also have a crab-like crawl. They have the viciousness of a dog, but with the ability to climb walls and stick to objects."
 
 
Prior to the [[American Idol]] audition, Renaldo Lapuz decapitated the Statue of Liberty and destroyed the whole of Manhattan. And yes, Rob had sex with Beth.
 
   
 
==Singing Career==
 
==Singing Career==
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''Related Article: [[Divine Retribution]]''
 
''Related Article: [[Divine Retribution]]''
   
Here's a quick guide on elevating yourself to a godlike status just like Renaldo did. It's as simple as a making a dick in a box [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EE79V1xBK3I].
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* Put on a White Pimp Suit.
 
* Put on a White Plastic Elavator Boots.
 
* Audition for American Idol.
 
* Spread the love to the American Idol Judges, especially Simon Cowell. On the other hand, forget about the other two judges - Paula is a drunk bitch 24/7 and Randy is just a token black guy.
 
* Fuck [[Simon Cowell]] in the ass.
 
 
Do this five simple steps and Jesus will be very pleased. You'll be canonized by the current ex-[[Nazi]] [[Pope]] in no time.
 
   
 
<gallery>
 
<gallery>
Image:Renaldo3.png|The infamous Pimp Cape.
 
Image:Renaldo4.png|The now Holy Immaculate White Pimp Suit.
 
Image:Renaldo5.png|The Pimpin Elevator Boots.
 
Image:Renaldo2.png|Still godlike even without the Holy Pimpsuit.
 
 
</gallery>
 
</gallery>
   
 
==See Also==
 
==See Also==
*[[Asian People]]
 
*[[American Idol]]
 
*[[Bat Fuck Insane]]
 
*[[Filipino]]
 
*[[Homosexuality in the Philippines]]
 
*[[Manila]]
 
 
 
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Revision as of 20:07, April 4, 2008

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Renaldo Lapuz
Renaldo1
Origin Philippines (don't act surprised asshole)
Occupation Your Brother, Your Best Friend Forever
Sexually Active? No
Title(s) Messiah, Greatest Pimp, Jesus' Brother, Simon's Best Friend Forever
Secret Weapons The Immaculate White Pimp Suit, The Shiny White Platform Boots Undercover Brother would kill for, His kickass singing talent
Website http://renaldolapuz.com/
“I am your brooootherrrr, your best friend forevverrr!!! Zinging da zongs, da miyuzik dat you liiiiiiiiiiiii....whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa”
~ Renaldo Lapuz on his brother
“WTF?!?!?!?!?!”
~ Simon Cowell on Renaldo Lapuz
“You are a great perzon Zymon Kawel, I love you!”
~ Renaldo Lapuz on Simon Cowell

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Origins

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Singing Career

What singing career?

How to be Renaldo Lapuz

Related Article: Divine Retribution

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See Also



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