Raptors
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“Raptors? Oh, I love Rap. ”
A Raptor is a big fucking turkey considered by many humans to be a superior life form. Lately, many scientists have been doing much scientific research and have gone sleepless nights in attempts to discover the cause and lifespan of a Raptor. Over the many years of research that has been done, the following has been confirmed as correct by the goverment:
- Raptors exist.
- They breathe air.
- They exist.
- Their purpose is to kill robots.
- Raptors run at 10m/s and they do not know fear.
- Can beat the NES Metroid title in under nine seconds.
In a recent Gallup poll, 90.2% of humans "can't stop thinking about raptors". These dinosaurs are confirmed by scientists to be "totally sweet."
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Facts
- Raptors are indeed reptiles. The idea that they are actually omnipotent forms of modern printers is a common misconception.
- Raptors are classified as Raptorus Awesomenssus, Meaning "Robot Eating Reptile" In latin.
- Raptors fight robots on a daily basis. It is part of their exclusive food chain. Raptors are at the top, and Robots at the bottom.
- The purpose of the raptor is to flip out and eat robots. This has been proved by scientific research, tests and drunk scientists guessing at their purpose.
- Recent Studies show that the Raptors Awesomenss factor (determined by multiplying their coolness factor by how many robots they destroy daily)is 47% higher than most humans.
- Studies show that they are very intelligent. The average Raptor's IQ is shown to be over 90% higher than most cows, frogs, sheeps, frogs, George W. Bushes, frogs and over 60 % higher than most gorillas and the letter Q
Information about Raptors
Raptors are proven to be able to eat any robot that comes within 90 yards of them. Raptors bite off robot heads daily in a ritual that requires large amounts of salt and trombones. These animals are so crazy that is better off to avoid them, unless you are looking for them, in which case you would be better off not avoiding them.
Raptors can commonly be found in there natural environmeant at the local bar. They are usually sitting near the window or in the middle of the room. If you order them a beer they may be nice to you, or they may bite your head off. Scientists are not sure what you do sometimes when you buy them a cold one that incurs there wrath, but many raptors have claimed they bite peoples heads off, "Because they can."
According to the aforementioned Gallup poll, 102% of humans consider Raptors to be Superior life forms, but this is debated by many science club nerds across the country.
Surviving a Raptor Attack
You can run, but really you're only delaying the inevitable. According to reliable sources[1], a one good technique is to close doors behind you, as raptors are slowed by them. As is made evident by XKCD, a good understanding of math can be crucial in gaining a few extra seconds of life before the fearless raptor devours you.
History
The oldest living instances of Raptors trace back to when they were the disciples of the Almighty Pizza Cutter in 749 AD. The Almighty Pizza Cutter used them against the robotic henchmen of the evil Spoon. However, when the Pizza Cutter refused to share his Divine Pizza with them, they rebelled and ate him.
Afterwards, The raptors, according to historic texts "Totally served, sukapunched, owned and annihilated the remaining robots in control of the Evil Spoon."
The raptors then set up a society know today as "Rome". This civalization lasted for a very long time and colonized nearly the whole world before it's downfall in 1453 AD. There downfall is in theory due to many civil wars inside the country, but most historians agree that is was because Mr.T pitied them so hard that the economy fell ( In a similar fashion to what he did to England.)
Afterwards the Raptors fled to Israel to escape religious prosocution from Robots that had been attempting to assinate their various leaders since the beggining of their existence. The Robots where trying to push RoboChristianity on them (the belief of Robot Jesus) when they beleive in Raptorism (the belief that Raptors would be accepted into heaven at the end of time.)
After being shielded by the Israeli republic, they settled there for a long time until a mass genocide began in 1938 knowns as the Holocaust (The Raptorcaust to them). They fled quickly and are beleived to be the cause of the end of World War 2, after Nuking germany so many times their grandmothers felt it.
Ever since the Raptors have been a global community sharing their religion and culture with others ( Namely, by biting peoples heads off). After aiding in the destruction of middle earth by joining the army of orcs, they became good friends with the orcs. They also are close aquaintences with the Ninjas, whom they have been allies with ever since the war against the Evil spoon. To this day, they still crusade against all robots, due to their hard history with them. They do this especially on saturdays.
What do Raptors do in there spare time?
When raptors aren't being incredible reptilian creatures, they have been observed to be doing the following:
- Smoking English pipes
- Working in odd jobs under the name Mr. Pilkington
- Eating missionaries
- Listening to rap music
- They also fight Germans in there spare time, because they claim, "They stole our pizza from us!"
Although their main enemies are the robots, they also dislike Hyenas and T-Rexes. They are good friends with orcs, ninjas, and rappers. Raptors are also fans of Sam Neill and Robert Peck, although some also admire Steve Irwin.
The largest problems modern raptors face is being endangered, but some scientists say this is incorrect, while others claim foolishly that Raptors are extinct. This theory is commonly considered incorrect though.
