|Part of a series of articles on|
“Fire I bid you to burn!”
The Qu'ran is the long-awaited sequel to the Bible™. It is also the name of an album by the artist formerly known as God. However, since the artist sold himself out and is now a washed up hack, we're going to tell him to go screw himself and talk about the book. It was revealed to God by Oscar Wilde, revised by Buddha, broiled in a light hollandaise sauce by Mohammed, and taken to court by Gordon Freeman. Some 1.4 billion people consider Qu'ran to be the greatest book written by JK Rowling, and indeed the greatest book ever. However, some other 2.1 billion can't even spell the word Qu'ran correctly, and the remaining 2.5 billion think the Qu'ran is a popular curry dish.
Followers of the Qu'ran believe that it is better than the Bible because it is also a book of magic. By reciting the entire book from heart, a Muslim unleashes a potent magic spell, which gives him +20 fatwa bonus on all attacking dice rolls and an extra +10 on save rolls. Masters of this magic have the rumored ability to mind-control their underlings and even the undead.
The Qu'ran may not be translated into any other language from the original Arabic. If translated, the Qu'ran loses its magical properties, and then you won't be able to score that huge fatwa bonus even if you memorize the whole book.
Actually, reading the entire Qu'ran might be a bad idea, because about 12% of those who've done so have become terrorists. Those reading it have to weigh the odds into consideration. However, if you are a Republican, you are totally immune to the power of the Qu'ran.
Critics of the Qu'ran question whether it belongs in Bible canon. They point out the numerous conflicting versions of the Abraham, Moses, and Obi-wan Kenobi stories in the Qu'ran, panning it as more likely a collection of fanboy stories and fan fiction sequels rather than a proper sequel.
The Qur'an is the less-successful spin-off series of popular sit-com, "The Bible".
The Qu'ran provides some unexpected plot twists, which keep the book mildly entertaining. For example, Jesus is found out to be a mortal man and not the Son of God after all. God also becomes somewhat schizophrenic and changes his name from Jehovah to Allah for no particular reason. There is a flashback to the Moses story about four times in the book, different every time, with almost no relevance to the rest of the book. Allah also suddenly realises that his love for humans has turned to indifference because they killed Jesus. Allah also arbitrarily decides that he likes the Arabs more than the Jews now (so much for Chosen People, suckers!). He decrees that he really digs pre-Islamic culture as well and supports Arab cultural imperialism. God also tells Mohammed to have Muslim women dress like Space Ghost, giving them fashion ahead of its time.
In the book's main feature, Gabriel decides to give up-and-coming prophet Mohammed (Police be upon him) a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to fight Apollo Creed for the Boxing Heavyweight Championship of the World.
The Qu'ran is divided into canker sores, which are arranged from most boring to most exciting, as rated by Siskel and Ebert. There is also a set of study notes on the Qu'ran, called the Hadith. This book is informally referred to as Mohammed's Believe It or Not!, and contains a variety of crazy things Mohammed thought up after he accidentally ate a fly.
After the completion of the Qu'ran, there were rumours of further sequels — notably the Also'ran, the Seehowthey'ran, and the Bababa-baba-b'ran — but the rumours were quickly squashed. Some people feel very strongly about wasting so much time reading these books that they have taken to demonstrating in the street and burning copies of any other books they don’t like.
The religion of Islam is a religion of peace, love, understanding, and forgiveness for all mankind. Ample evidence of this is found in the following quotes from the Qu'ran. If you don't agree, we'll kill you and your family.
|But when the forbidden months are past, then fight and slay the Pagans wherever ye find them, an seize them, beleaguer them, and lie in wait for them in every stratagem (of war); but if they repent, and establish regular prayers and practise regular charity, then open the way for them: for Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful. (Qur'an 9:5)|
|Hail to the bus driver...bus driver... bus driver. Hail to the bus driver, bus driver man. He swears and he cusses, and farts in the buses. Hail to the bus driver, bus driver man.|
|Fight those who believe not in Allah nor the Last Day, nor hold that forbidden which hath been forbidden by Allah and His Messenger, nor acknowledge the religion of Truth, (even if they are) of the People of the Book, until they pay the Jizya with willing submission, and feel themselves subdued." (Qur'an 9:29)|
|And the Jews say: Ezra is the son of Allah, and the Christians say: The Messiah is the son of Allah. That is their saying with their mouths. They imitate the saying of those who disbelieved of old. Allah (Himself) fighteth against them. How perverse are they! (Qur'an 9:30)|
|Lo! Those who disbelieve Our revelations, We shall expose them to the Fire. As often as their skins are consumed We shall exchange them for fresh skins that they may taste the torment. Lo! Allah is ever Mighty, Wise." (Qur'an 4:56)|
|O Prophet! Exhort the believers to fight. If there be of you twenty steadfast they shall overcome two hundred, and if there be of you a hundred (steadfast) they shall overcome a thousand of those who disbelieve, because they (the disbelievers) are a folk without intelligence." (Qur'an 8:65)|
|Lo! those who disbelieve, among the People of the Scripture and the idolaters, will abide in fire of hell. They are the worst of created beings.(Qur'an )|
|Say: (It is) the truth from the Lord of you (all). Then whosoever will, let him believe, and whosoever will, let him disbelieve. Lo! We have prepared for disbelievers Fire. Its tent encloseth them. If they ask for showers, they will be showered with water like to molten lead which burneth the faces. Calamitous the drink and ill the resting-place! (Qur'an 18:29)|
|These twain (the believers and the disbelievers) are two opponents who contend concerning their Lord. But as for those who disbelieve, garments of fire will be cut out for them; boiling fluid will be poured down on their heads,Whereby that which is in their bellies, and their skins too, will be melted;And for them are hooked rods of iron.Whenever, in their anguish, they would go forth from thence they are driven back therein and (it is said unto them): Taste the doom of burning. (Qur'an 22:19-22)|
Islam is not a terrorist religion. In fact, the Qu'ran doesn't mention anything about terror. Anyone who says that Islam is all about terror should be terrorized.
|Soon shall We cast terror into the hearts of the Unbelievers, for that they joined companions with Allah, for which He had sent no authority: their abode will be the Fire: And evil is the home of the wrong-doers! (Qur'an 3:151)|
|How many a township have We destroyed! As a raid by night, or while they slept at noon, Our terror came unto them. No plea had they, when Our terror came unto them, save that they said: Lo! We were wrong-doers. (Qur'an 7:4-5)|
|Remember thy Lord inspired the angels (with the message): 'I am with you: give firmness to the Believers: I will instil terror into the hearts of the Unbelievers: smite ye above their necks and smite all their finger-tips off them.' (Qur'an 8:12)|
|Against them make ready your strength to the utmost of your power, including steeds of war, to strike terror into (the hearts of) the enemies, of Allah and your enemies, and others besides, whom ye may not know, but whom Allah doth know. Whatever ye shall spend in the cause of Allah, shall be repaid unto you, and ye shall not be treated unjustly. (Qur'an 8:60)|
|And the True Promise draweth nigh; then behold them, staring wide (in terror), the eyes of those who disbelieve! (They say): Alas for us! We (lived) in forgetfulness of this. Ah, but we were wrong-doers! (Qur'an 21:97)|
If you happen to be a black man or woman, the Qu'ran has some really good news for you:
|On the Day when (some) faces will be whitened and (some) faces will be blackened; and as for those whose faces have been blackened, it will be said unto them: Disbelieved ye after your (profession of) belief? Then taste the punishment for that ye disbelieved.(Qur'an 3:106)|
On having Naughty Bits
You know those bits in other religious books? Well, don't think the Qu'ran is without it's juicy bits too!
|31 Verily, for the pious is a blissful place, 32 gardens and vineyards, 33 and girls with swelling breasts of the same age as themselves, 34 and a brimming cup; 35 they shall hear therein no folly and no lie; 36 a reward from thy Lord, a sufficient gift! 37 The Lord of the heavens and the earth, and what is between them both, the Merciful, they cannot obtain audience of Him!|
Interestingly, while the Qu'ran forbids sex with multiple virgins and getting drunk in real life, having loose relations with many women and drinking alcohol is perfectly OK in heaven. Why this blatant logical fallacy is not explained is a mystery - but fear not! Allah is all knowing, all wise, all powerful, all contradictory, all confusing, all tempting, all careless.
As you can see, the Qu'ran can get quite steamy at times, and this is why it must always be kept on the top shelf. Qu'rans produced since 2007 all carry a warning stating that excessive Qu'ran use leads to angry but surprisingly good sex.
The Qu'ran in unpopular culture
- Allah, the author of The Qu'ran made a number of cameo appearances in Will & Grace. The show credits list him as God - his maiden name.
- Steven Seagal's (pbuh) character, Forrest Taft quotes exensively from The Qu'ran during his closing speech in On Deadly Ground. This is rarely noticed as no-one has ever watched the film through to the end.
- A blogger published informative guides for readers wishing to study the Qu'ran alongside the Hadith. No-one ever visited the site and the domain is currently being used to advertise credit services.
- Allah's semi-biographical work, The Bible features characters that would later appear in The Qu'ran.
- Islam plagiarises material from the Qu'ran but Allah has ruled-out legal action. In an interview with Time magazine published in August 2001, he said "It's not like they'll take it seriously anyway, it's just a laugh isn't it?"
- The video game rights to The Qu'ran were sold to Electronic Arts in 2002 but the resulting game was panned by critics as a poor attempt to cash-in on the popular teen-craze of Islamomania. Fewer than 12 copies were sold before the game was withdrawn.
- The Qu'ran is an incredibly tedious read. It's like a telephone directory minus the story.