Peyton Manning

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=== The Kicker ===
 
=== The Kicker ===
 
[[Image:Vanderjagt.jpg|thumb|right|He went to the Cowboys, right? I heard the Cowboys lost on a botched field goal this year, too. I don't watch NFC football, but that totally doesn't surprise me.]]
 
[[Image:Vanderjagt.jpg|thumb|right|He went to the Cowboys, right? I heard the Cowboys lost on a botched field goal this year, too. I don't watch NFC football, but that totally doesn't surprise me.]]
Mike Vanderjagt? More like Mike Vanderjerk. He complained and complained about how Peyton could never get the Colts to the Super Bowl, and then he misses the kick that would have gotten them into overtime against the Steelers. Hell, that made Scott Norwood look accurate. Surprisingly, both Norwood and Vanderjagt are canadian. What a drunken blowhard.
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Mike Vanderjagt? More like Mike Vander JACKOFF! He complained and complained about how Peyton could never get the Colts to the Super Bowl, and then he misses the kick that would have gotten them into overtime against the Steelers. Hell, that made Scott Norwood look accurate. Surprisingly, both Norwood and Vanderjagt are canadian. What a drunken blowhard. Even fucking Lawrence Tynes can make that field goal! For fuck's sake, that was absolute shit.
   
 
Adam Vinatieri guy is the only other player worth two craps on the Colts. He's the only reason [[Tom Brady]] ever won any Super Bowls. That, and the other Colts quitting in the playoffs. I sure hope they don't rub off on him, because then Peyton would be screwed yet again. However, in a game against the Chargers Adam Vinatieri decided to follow Vandershank down the path of missing clutch field goals. In an epic comeback against the San Diego Chargers Vinatieri missed a 29 yard field goal to win. He had gotten tired of watching Peyton come back in all these close games that he wanted to determine the outcome for a change.
 
Adam Vinatieri guy is the only other player worth two craps on the Colts. He's the only reason [[Tom Brady]] ever won any Super Bowls. That, and the other Colts quitting in the playoffs. I sure hope they don't rub off on him, because then Peyton would be screwed yet again. However, in a game against the Chargers Adam Vinatieri decided to follow Vandershank down the path of missing clutch field goals. In an epic comeback against the San Diego Chargers Vinatieri missed a 29 yard field goal to win. He had gotten tired of watching Peyton come back in all these close games that he wanted to determine the outcome for a change.

Revision as of 00:12, May 12, 2009

“I won this game as a team”
~ Peyton Manning on Super Bowl XLI
“BRETT FAVRE!”
~ John Madden on how little he cares about Peyton Manning.
“Fucking douchebag.”
~ Tom Brady on Peyton Manning
“Fucking douchebag.”
~ Peyton Manning on Tom Brady
“What is football? And who the hell is Peyton Manning?!?”
File:Peyton Manning.jpg


Legendary commercial pitchman Walter Peyton "Place" Manning is supposedly the third-greatest quarterback in NFL history (for the greatest see This guy), and the older brother of Eli Manning and Sorgi Manning, who are both actually better than Peyton Manning. Even though he recently won Super Bowl XLI, his teammates still suck royally. His entire career, with the exception of this single year, has been exactly like his father's, promising but ultimately insufficient, and it's been all his fault.

It may be noted that while he can handle bears with relative ease, he's still a mentally retarded rube incabable of having a relationship with anyone outside his immediate family. His brother Eli has been on the receiving end of Peyton's rarely seen tackle on many occassions.

Manning is also noted for throwing an NFL record 49 touchdown passes during Madden NFL 2004, barely surpassing Dan Marino's 76 TDs during Tecmo Super Bowl in 1991, as well as being 2007's Super Bowl MVP. This record has since been broken by Tom Brady, but many people discard his record, as he was playing on easy mode.

And after selling his soul to the Satan in 2006, he will appear in every commercial on television. Some estimate he is the most time shifted human being in DVR history.

A good teammate

So far he has nothing to say about coaches and management.Besides that they blow. Some people say this is because he is white enough to not anger the people who sign the checks and call the plays that he then waves off with five seconds on the clock, but they're a bunch of racists. He's not like Terrell Owens, ok? And don't say Owens isn't white enough to be as ignorant as Manning and get away with it, ok. You don't understand NFL politics at all.

On the other hand, he is a really big hill-billy douche-fag.

Other people at fault

Seriously, this list could be HUGE, but I'm gonna try to keep it to people I can name off the top of my head without researching anything...

His Receivers

They won't get open. He tries to throw them the ball in such a way that only they can catch it, but then they don't. Gosh, the man makes Marvin Harrison look like Jerry Rice, and the guy can't even get open in the playoffs? What the heck? That Reggie Wayne guy. You think he'd be any good without Manning throwing to him? He'd be just like all those other guys from the U, a chump who can't play. Dallas Clark would be good if he'd just stop getting hurt, the jerk. Now Gonzalez? He's the next generation of jazz singer.

His Running Back

File:Manning.JPG

Edgerrin James? A good back? You've got to be kidding me. He only looked good because Manning called plays that made him look good. You ever see him gyrate and gesture up there before a run? Yeah, he's freaking out the defense by making them think it's a pass before handing it off to James. James is a chump who can't play worth beans, and I'm glad he left. Now Manning has two guys, Dominick (not Dominique, you stupid announcers) Rhodes and Joseph Addai, who, combined, are even worse than James ever was. They should be thankful they even made the team, let alone having Manning there to make them look like they might sometimes actually be able to do something.

His Offensive line

God, I hate these guys. They're a bunch of bums! None of them can play! I mean, I watched in the playoffs how they just let Manning get knocked around. You, left tackle, you're what, 6'6" or so, 325+ pounds, and you can't take little Joey Porter, a little 250 pound guy? I can whoop my wife, and she's only 30 pounds lighter than me. You've gotta be kidding me. If the line hadn't quit in every important game, Manning would already have three rings by now, not that wanna-be Brady. Doesn't Jeff Saturday play on his O-line? He's the only NFL lineman I can actually name. In 2008, Jeff Saturday missed the entire season with a prolapsed anus afer Manning anled him everey single pre snap for the past 8 years.

The Defense

How is it that when the team needs a stop, they can't get one. I thought Dungy was supposed to be a defensive coach. Freeney is supposed to be this awesome guy, but when they need him to step up, he can't get to the QB. Those safeties, Doss and Sanders? Yeah, they do fine against the little dogs, but what about the Bus? The man is like, 100 years old in running back years. And he wasn't fast when he started. What a bunch of chumps. Not like Peyton at all.

The 2007 defense kicks ass, though, with Bob Sanders leading the charge. Sanders is also the most good looking defensive safety to ever play football. A little known fact about Sanders is that he can actually be everywhere at one time and he can fly. Even with all this they couldn't even stop a subbed backup like Billy Volek. Absolutely WORTHLESS.

The Kicker

File:Vanderjagt.jpg

Mike Vanderjagt? More like Mike Vander JACKOFF! He complained and complained about how Peyton could never get the Colts to the Super Bowl, and then he misses the kick that would have gotten them into overtime against the Steelers. Hell, that made Scott Norwood look accurate. Surprisingly, both Norwood and Vanderjagt are canadian. What a drunken blowhard. Even fucking Lawrence Tynes can make that field goal! For fuck's sake, that was absolute shit.

Adam Vinatieri guy is the only other player worth two craps on the Colts. He's the only reason Tom Brady ever won any Super Bowls. That, and the other Colts quitting in the playoffs. I sure hope they don't rub off on him, because then Peyton would be screwed yet again. However, in a game against the Chargers Adam Vinatieri decided to follow Vandershank down the path of missing clutch field goals. In an epic comeback against the San Diego Chargers Vinatieri missed a 29 yard field goal to win. He had gotten tired of watching Peyton come back in all these close games that he wanted to determine the outcome for a change.

The Coach

What we need is leadership on this team. Someone who can get the other players up to Peyton's level. Now don't get me wrong, Dungy's a better coach than that joker that was here before him, but he isn't in the game. Have you watched Colts games? Dungy's just standing there, bored. I mean, when have you ever seen him get all riled up, like Cowher? We need a real coach, and the worst thing is, there's an obvious choice they're ignoring. Hello, Archie's not coaching anybody. Get HIM in here! He'd get those bums in line! Maybe get some of these losers out of here and build a winning team for Peyton.

Michael Moore

He is the devil in human form and likes to screw everything up especially Peyton and Eli.

Thankfully for our man Peyton, he played the Bears in the Super Bowl. Man, they suck ASS!

Peyton's not to blame for any of this

File:Qb3 PeytonManning2006 250.jpg

It's not poor little Peyton's fault cause he's still a boy to his daddy. Oh yes Peyton and Eli's famous quote is "why won't you love me daddy?". Their so called daddy says Eli should have lost the superbowl because Brady's better, his daddy loves him!!

Editor's Note

Wikisplode
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Peyton Manning.

One weird thing about this guy is that those weirdos over at Wikipedia don't even know he's a football guy. They think he's Canadian.

Peyton wasn't the only great Manning in history. His ancestors were great, too...

In 1588, Montgomery Manning (backup shipsman to Francis Drake), successfully led the English Channel to victory over the Spanish Armada. A century later, in 1688, his grandson Laurence Olivier Manning would launch the Glorious Revolution, taking over England. The Mannings decided to refuse the throne, and asked Orleans' Saint William of Orange about possibly administering England. William gladly accepted the position and became King of England, while the Manning family was cursed for meddling with the French.

Quick Facts

Peyton's forehead is six square kilometres

Peyton Manning is considered to be the greatest openly-gay quarterback in NFL history.

He is currently the largest donator to the GAA (Gay Athletic Association) according to GAA president Dick Crumms.

He and his husband Eli are reportedly expecting triplets. Eli was introduced to Peyton by his parents when he was only 4. According to Manning, Eli came from a stork.

In a 2007 interview with ESPGAY, Peyton stated that he hoped Eli's avian heritage does not affect their kids' physical appearances.

Peyton Manning has appeared on numerous covers of Sport Gay-ustrated, ESPGAY, Gay Adoption, and the upcoming magazine, Gay Sports.

In a recent poll by ESPN, Peyton Manning fans were mostly (if not all) comprised of flaming homosexuals, child molesters and the mentally ill.

NFL Records

Peyton Manning has 73 NFL Records, including Most Commercials (Season and Career), Most-Hyped Little Brother and Most Times Having Been Devalued Because of Not Winning A Championship.

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