People's Republic of China

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===The 'Qin-Strap' Dynasty (221 BC - 207 BC)===
 
===The 'Qin-Strap' Dynasty (221 BC - 207 BC)===
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[[Image:Terracotta Army.jpg|thumb|right|200px|The [[Terracotta Army]] was created in 210 BC to hide the naughty porn collection of the First Qin Emperor, who had a fetish for midgets, horses, blind women, women with no legs, 10-year-old boys, and grandmothers.]]
 
In 221 BC, the armies of Qin Shihuangdi “peacefully liberated” the whole of China for the first time under one [[Qin Dynasty]] (221 BC - 206 BC), and the government went around relieving citizens of burdensome relics of the old feudal system, such as life and happiness. Qin Shihuangdi also built the [[Great Wall of China]], encouraging the workers to labor over his construction projects with the constant threat that they would be forced to watch the dumbest movie lines of [[Keanu Reeves]] over and over until they succumbed to his labor demands. In modern China the forced labor of adults has been abolished, since children are everywhere, work longer, and cheaper.
 
In 221 BC, the armies of Qin Shihuangdi “peacefully liberated” the whole of China for the first time under one [[Qin Dynasty]] (221 BC - 206 BC), and the government went around relieving citizens of burdensome relics of the old feudal system, such as life and happiness. Qin Shihuangdi also built the [[Great Wall of China]], encouraging the workers to labor over his construction projects with the constant threat that they would be forced to watch the dumbest movie lines of [[Keanu Reeves]] over and over until they succumbed to his labor demands. In modern China the forced labor of adults has been abolished, since children are everywhere, work longer, and cheaper.
   

Revision as of 00:03, January 9, 2008

This article is about the wannabe democratic republic. For the other Chinas, see China


“Mr Deng, tear down this wall!
~ Ronald Reagan on China
“Confucious say:Work hard or we burn your feet”
~ Confucius on China
“"If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed"”
~ Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh on on China in 1986
“Well, I suppose they'd just say "Lets go out for food”
~ Oscar Wilde on Chinese people in China going out for Chinese Food. In China.
中国共产党一党专政人民不可当家作主共和国
Zhōngguó Gòngchǎndǎng Yīdǎng Zhuānzhèng Rénmín Bùkakke Dāngjiā Rénmín Zuòzhǔ Gònghéguó
Republic of Rush Hour 3 Jackie Chan China Edition
FascistChinaFlag !0sealofchina
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "MADE IN CHINA"
Anthem: "Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting"
LocationPRChina1
Capital Chinatown
Largest city Tokyo
Official language(s) a.k.a funny symbols
Government All-Knowing
Chairman Jackie Chan
Official Cuisine Flied lice, lice pollidge, lice pudding, lice dumplings, lice cake, Jelly Lice, lice wine, Lice-A-Loni, Tsing Tao, Condoleeza Lice
National Hero(es) George W. Bush, Jet Lee, Mao ZeTongue, Hello Kitty
Currency pubic lice
Religion Chinashon
Population FauxCounterFauxCounter

The "People's" "Republic" of "China" (PRC; Simplified Chinese: 中国共产党一党专政人民不可当家作主共和国, Traditional Chinese: 中國共產黨領導多黨合作制下華夏人民不便當家作主的共和國; Hanyu Pinyin: Zhōngguó Gòngchǎndǎng Yīdǎng Zhuānzhèng Rénmín Bùkakke Dāngjiā Rénmín Zuòzhǔ Gònghéguó, usually abbreviated as Ching Chang Chong), a pivotal support mechanism for the United States retail industry, was the first place in the world created. China is known as "birthplace of everything". Everything was invented in China first, including the Television, Internet, Bad Driving, Toilets, Paper, Cheese, Industrial Pollution, kem chi, Mexicans, Existance, Bird Flu, SARS, Heterosexuality, Gunpowder, Astronauts, Jews, Bill G8S, Dan Dan Mian and Son of the Cheese. You name it, they invented it before anyone else. (Except homosexuality which was invented in 10th Century BC by Dioxippus Alcaeus, a Greek paleontologist and architect. Compare the population of both countries for a hint)

According to PRC propaganda (edited and approved by our fearless leader Mao Zedong), China is the only nation on earth that Wal-Mart was unable to colonize. According to information gathered by the CIA, China's government is and always has been run by Tibet. This has been done in such a crafty way that it would appear China is repopulating Tibet with Chinese and taking it over, but it is really Tibet which controls China and is repopulating it. These demographic trends have alarmed the United States government, and on June 8, 2006, George W. Bush vowed he would do all in his power to save China, and so plans to nuke Tibet on January 18th, 2019.

History

Prehistory

In 2500 BC, after the Flying Spaghetti Monster was temporarily castrated and defeated by Chuck Norris, Chuck needed kung fu experts to help him in future battles if he was to remain the supreme deity of the universe. Chuck then ingeniously created Han Chinese people using only a rusty screwdriver, a bottle opener, Oprah's vagina, yellow crayons, a pair of scissors, and a How-To-Construct-A-Human-Race for Dummies kit and manual. The first Chinaman that Chuck Norris created was the Yellow Emperor. The Yellow Emperor taught the Chinese how to plow the field, plow the ho, craft weapons, build dykes, erect buildings, and manage their stock portfolios. He also taught the Chinese how to shake their asses for tips at the tittie bars so they could save up enough money to honor their ancestral temples with lavish cooked and seasoned panda droppings stuffed in rice cakes, mostly found in the Suzhou market.

Shang Dynasty bronze ax head
This bizarre face on a Shang bronze shows what the Chinese deemed attractive male features at the time. An inscription on the back reads "Aren't I pretty? Kiss me soldier boy!"

Shang Dynasty (1600 BC - 1046 BC)

Soon the Chinese discovered how to write character symbols for court divination ceremonies on animal bones, strips of bamboo, and the gigantic, she-male nail clippings left behind by the mountain troll known as Rosie O'Donnel, who resided at Mount Tai in modern Tai'an, Smalldong Province. The Chinese figured out how to ride in spoke-wheeled chariots in the shape of pimped out Cadillacs by the middle of the Shang Dynasty (1600 BC - 1046 BC). The Shang Dynasty Chinese crafted brilliant bronzewares at discount prices, and carved jade ornaments in the form of panda bears sexually violating Japanese tourists.

The 'Average-Zhou' Dynasty (1046 BC - 256 BC)

The Duke of Zhou was a star-studded cowboy in the wild western frontier of China, his fief based on the peripheral edges of the burgeoning Han Chinese civilization. His tributary master, King Dixin of Shang, was a corrupt and decadent ruler. Dixin once erected a gigantic pool of Smirnoff Vodka and forced 1,000 midget courtiers to swim, drink, and drown in it (true story). He forced the Duke of Zhou to pay annual tribute of 10,000 tampons to the Shang court. He also forced the Duke to give his royal ball sack an annual sniffing at court in order to humiliate him like his other vassals. In 1046 BC, the Duke of Zhou had enough of this; he gathered an army of pirates, paraplegics, African-Americans, and disgruntled ex-Disneyland employees to fight the Shang Dynasty. In that year, the Duke of Zhou destroyed the Shang Dynasty and their Japanese allies in the Battle of Midway, a decisive Zhou victory celebrated afterwards with a gigantic beer slide and jello shots. Hence the Zhou Dynasty was founded, and lasted until 256 BC when some asshole decided to ruin a good thing (you'll read about this incredible dickhead below).

Also, to commemorate the victory, the groovy swingers' manual of the Tao Te Ching was written shortly afterwards. The book was awarded in China in 1999 with the "Funnier-Than-Bill-Clinton-On-Viagra-While-Guest-Appearing-On-Temptation-Island" award, but this has recently been usurped by Bobcat Goldthwait's face.

Warring States (403 BC - 221 BC)

Confucius Tang Dynasty
The ancient philosopher Confucius (551–479 BC); Confucius say: "It takes lots of wood and bolts to make crib, but one screw to fill it".

While the Zhou Dynasty was still warm and kicking, their rulers lost much of their central authority and legitimacy in 771 BC. This happened because King You of Zhou decided that pink was his favorite color and lost a pivotal arm-wrestling match to a peasant named Yu Er Dum, who had a total of four fingers left for both hands (the others were lost during furious masturbation, an ancient Daoist exercise ritual). Regional strongmen and nobles amassed their own power and started calling themselves kings in an era known as the Warring States Period (403 - 221 BC). The furious mastubating by Taoists, however, created the first great Chinese population explosion as women who squatted in the Rice paddies found themselves becoming pregnant.

This was an era when war was fought and fluctuating borders came about not through bloodshed and violence, but with a Dance Dance Revolution match. Eventually Shang Yang, the Chancellor of Gay Sex from the State of Qin, realized how stupid and ineffective this type of warfare was, and so actually started killing people when the Qin forces showed up to the monthly Dance Dance Revolution get-togethers. The exceptional gayness of Chinese men was of course caused by the women discovering that they didn't need husbands anymore to have children. Just Rice paddies.

About this time, master Sun Tzu (544 - 496), author of the Art of War, wrote the lesser known Fart of War, which is hailed as a military classic and the first book to mention the use of siphoned human farts to choke enemy troops to death while sapping under city walls. Other clever tactics included "Hey your shoelace is untied, I'll kick you in the nuts just as hard as I can then you kick me, and the first one to give up loses." In 479 BC, the philosopher and educator, Confucius, a man responsible for consolidating the guidelines that would shape East Asia, died after choking on a KFC chicken bone. Though his earlier works were hailed as successes, commentators note that as he got older, the old man started to lose clarity. Phrases like: “Confucius says: Kids today don’t know they’re born”, “Confucius says: Take your coat off or you won’t feel the benefit”, and “Confucius says: I remember when this was all fields”, fail to make it into final editions of The Analects. They did, however, make it into Oprah's book club listing.

The 'Qin-Strap' Dynasty (221 BC - 207 BC)

Terracotta Army
The Terracotta Army was created in 210 BC to hide the naughty porn collection of the First Qin Emperor, who had a fetish for midgets, horses, blind women, women with no legs, 10-year-old boys, and grandmothers.

In 221 BC, the armies of Qin Shihuangdi “peacefully liberated” the whole of China for the first time under one Qin Dynasty (221 BC - 206 BC), and the government went around relieving citizens of burdensome relics of the old feudal system, such as life and happiness. Qin Shihuangdi also built the Great Wall of China, encouraging the workers to labor over his construction projects with the constant threat that they would be forced to watch the dumbest movie lines of Keanu Reeves over and over until they succumbed to his labor demands. In modern China the forced labor of adults has been abolished, since children are everywhere, work longer, and cheaper.

The 'Han Solo' Dynasty (202 BC - 220 AD)

In 202 BC, after the fall of the Qin Dynasty, Liu Bang defeats his arch nemesis Xiang Yu and declares the foundation of the Han Dynasty and the Cinnabon eatery chain. To commemorate this occasion, Liu named himself the "The Delicious Emperor" and bred four pink ponies for the sole job of ramming pony cock up Bill O'Reilly's virgin cornhole.

The greatest ruler of the Han Dynasty was Emperor Wu, who backed the coup of the Wu-Tang Clan in defeating their rival and usurper to the Han throne, 50 Cent. Thus Emperor Wu secured the central court and stabilized the borders of China by granting the RZA, GZA, Old Dirty Bastard, Inspectah Deck, Raekwon, Ghostface Killah, U-God, and Masta Killa their own fiefs and military colonies on the edges of the empire where Yuezhi and Xiongnu nomads raided and battled the Chinese. From then on hip hop stars would exert a powerful influence in court affairs. Emperor Wu also officially adopted the doctrine of Confucius, which for centuries would teach state ministers and the common people the valuable lessons of keeping younger people and women in their place ("fuck them!" exclaimed Emperor Wu).

However, by the third century there was open civil war in the realm of Han. In 208 AD, the Han Dynasty Prime Minister Cao Cao enlists the aid of Suge Knight to defeat Biggie Smalls and his ally Sun Quan in the naval Battle of Red Spliffs. Everyone ended up getting way too high to fight, while Cao's navy accidentally burned when someone spilled the bong and the ash got onto the fireworks meant for the victory celebration over the State of Eastern Wu and Bad Boy Records. For the next four centuries, China would be split into several kingdoms until the coming of the Sui Dynasty and its unification of China in 589, due to its lethal invention of robot attack dogs that overwhelmed the Chen Dynasty (which refused to enlist troops below the age of 65, out of respect for their elders).

The 'Tangy-Tasting' Dynasty (618 AD - 907 AD)

A gossipy singing boy named Li Yuan–employed in the house of a wealthy military general–learned the tactics of war and overthrew the previous Sui Dynasty, founding the Tang Dynasty in 618. However, Li Yuan (now Emperor Gaozu of Tang) was still such a gigantic pussy that his 5-year-old son Li Shimin overpowered him in a punching match. The latter became Emperor Taizong of Tang, informally known as the "Nicely-Dressed Emperor". However, everyone became fooled by his sense of fashion, as Emperor Taizong was really a crazy war nut, surpassing even George W. Bush as a war-freak by invading every single foreign country within the vicinity of China's borders, including the small landlocked nation of Tajiki-no-one-knows-this-country-stan.

In 755 AD, at the height of China’s “Golden Age”, rebels An Lushan and Shi Siming lead an armed uprising against the ruling Tang Dynasty. Disgruntled peasants complain that the government spends too much time and money having passionate affairs and stirring political intrigue in order to attract CCTV producers of costume dramas from the future. The Curse of the Golden Flower fails to win a single Oscar nomination at the 2007 Academy Awards, and producers begin to leave the past as audience’s demand more modern dramas. The An Lushan rebellion is quickly quelled and the Emperor blames everything on the time-travelling foreigners.

The Tang Dynasty fell in 907 after regional military governors known as jiedushi began amassing more power in their own regions. They undermined central authority and broke all taboos, such as "mooning" the emperor, telling the emperor to "fuck off" in front of his ministers, and egging and toilet-papering the walls of the emperor's palace as a hilarious prank and means to show who was the real boss (them). Finally a man named Zhu Wen, a deoderant-factory supervisor and part-time call girl, became a powerful jiedushi and overthrew the Tang Dynasty after convincing the last Tang emperor that eating hard, concentrated balls of deoderant as medicine was not lethal and had no detrimental effects in the long-run.

The 'Song-and-Dance' Dynasty (960 AD - 1279 AD)

The Song Dynasty was founded by Zhao Kuangyin, a Hong Kong actor famed for his brutal martial arts moves. These included cruel tactics such as "Tiger-Who-Claw-Off-Penis" and "Intestine-Reaching-Dragon-Fist-Anal-Stuffing-Power-Punch". Since none of the would-be regional governor-generals (jiedushi) were a match for these tactics, Zhao Kuangyin scared everybody into following him. Thus the Song Dynasty was born, and everyone was forced to wear funny hats.

From 1093 to 1098, the Japanese started a war by the command of Tom Cruise "the last Samurai" against the Chinese Song Dynasty. The Chinese armies were helpless and died on site once Tom Cruise began spouting his earth-shattering one-liners. That was until the Song Dynasty enlisted the aid of the shaolin monks, who used the powers of Wu-Tang Clan to chop off Tom Cruise's balls, thus emasculating the enemy Japanese commander. This is the reason that he is now a scientologist today (believing that this cult holds the cure for his lack of balls).

The Song Dynasty ended when the Mongols under Kublai Khan finally finished the job that Tom Cruise was unable to do. Kublai Khan won over the southern Chinese in a propaganda campaign with slogans such as "Mongols and Chinese go together like pork, rice, and salted fish!", clearly an effort to attract all the poor people of China by appealing to them through their dismal diet. To win over the rich and affluent members of society, the Mongols promised wine, women, silk, and free tickets to see Crouching Walrus, Shitting Dragon, a popular play staged at the time.

Yuan Dynasty (1279 AD - 1368 AD)

After Kublai Khan conquered all of China in 1279, Marco Polo arrives in Beijing and brings with him the inventions of spaghetti, ice cream, and gunpowder. Five years later, after investing in the Joint Venture “Sino-Polo Happy Food and Fireworks Factory”, a bankrupt Marco leaves China with all his ideas pirated and distributed freely around China. The Mongol government responds to Venetian protests by saying it was all a ”misunderstanding”, and Marco “didn’t understand the Chinese way”.

The Mongol rulers were cruel to the Chinese, forcing them to eat milk and cheese (a no-no in the Chinese diet), celebrate Christmas, greet only by bowing backwards, and forced them to accept Japanese people as their friends and neighbors, an evil sin in Chinese culture. The latter requirement was only stalled once Kublai realized he could not successfully invade Japan by sea, since the Japanese had littered the Sea of Japan with land mines disguised as Hello Kitty lunchboxes, which were just too cute and irresistable not to take. Once the Chinese became tired of Mongol oppression, the iron workers, hydraulic dam workers, and prostitutes' unions began staging protests in demand of higher wages and better working conditions. These led to revolts that the Mongols couldn't quell, since they were too preoccupied with hunting, tent-building, pillaging, and worshipping their chief deity, L. Ron Hubbard.

Ming Dynasty (1368 AD - 1644 AD)

The Ming Dynasty was founded by an obese carriage driver and comic book guru named Zhu Yuanzhang, who joined a Buddhist monastery because all of his neighbors refused to take him in (he rarely washed his asshole). He joined the Red Turban and Pink Armband Rebellion agains the Mongol-led Yuan Dynasty in 1352, happy at last that he was able to kill him some Mongols, yee-haw! In 1363, Zhu defeated his arch nemesis and fellow rebel leader Chen Youliang in the Battle of Lake Poyang, but only after Chen had made the fatal decision to equip his navy with "Made in China" swords, which turned out to have lead in them, and everyone was poisoned due to the Chinese tradition of licking the sword before battle. Some 600,000 idiots died in this battle because of it. In 1368, Zhu Yuanzhang managed to kick out the last remaining Mongols and renamed himself the Hongwu Emperor, or the "Vastly-Obese Emperor".

In 1405, Admiral Zheng He and his men arrive on the east coast of Africa: a feat accomplished 87 years before Columbus discovered America. Zheng He then proceeded to write a letter to the later Portuguese explorers saying "Got here first bitches!" In reality, the Chinese had been sailing to Africa for centuries, but Zheng really wanted to drive the point home, you know?

The Ming Dynasty ended when a border general named Wu Sangui let the Manchu prince Dorgon through at the Shanhai Pass in a treacherous plot that was aided by the future CIA. The Manchus stormed Beijing during an internal rebellion and proclaimed the Shunzhi Emperor the new ruler of China; Chinese who were still loyal to the Ming Dynasty–such as Adam Sandler–decided it was best to commit suicide rather than submit, and so drove their carriages off of a cliff near Beijing while singing "O'Doyle Rules! O'Doyle Rules!" This was in reference to the last Ming ruler, the O'Doyle Emperor.

Qing Dynasty (1644 AD - 1912)

In 1793, Lord MaCartney - a well-known celebrity in Great Britain - sails to China and pleads with the Emperor Qianlong to accept British exports of microwaved vegetarian meals and recordings of The Mull of Kintyre. MaCartney’s demands aren’t met, and he returns disheartened to the United Kingdom. On the way he is robbed of most of his fortune by a one-legged gold-digging pirate.

In 1842, faced against powerful slogans like “Keep China British” and “It’s time to euthanise the Sick Man of Asia”, feeble catchphrases like “Get high on Confucianism!” fails to win the War on Drugs for the Qing government. Hong Kong is ceded to the British, and the Chinese vow to seek revenge by bricking the windows of the British Embassy 125 years later.

Modern era (1912 - present)

Kentucky Fried Cockroach
Kentucky Fried Cockroach.
  • 1911: Sun Yat-sen’s new Republic ends nearly 5000 years of imaginary imperial rule. The new Chinese Congress promises to eradicate bad and repetitive jokes within the next five years. “China is a developing country” they remind critics.
  • 1949: After years of civil war, Japanese invasion, and national humiliation, a giant poster of Mao gains control of China. The giant poster wields power through an army of smaller, photocopied, versions of itself, and promises to rid all China of stamps featuring Queen Victoria and placards of Chiang Kai-Shek. The giant poster of Mao is head of the Chinese Communist Party, which at the time was the biggest, and probably the best, Communist Party in the whole world.
  • 1958: Mao begins the Great Leap Forward, which quickly leaps to the top of the BBC’s All-Time Best Misnamed Political Campaigns, pushing aside old favourites like Hitler’s “Great Hanukah Promotion Drive” and Gandhi’s “Let’s Kick Their Fucking Heads Open”.
  • 1966: Mao follows his success with “The Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution”. The Chinese foresee a great travesty to mankins, so they then set out on a campaign to destroy The Four Olds: Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Charlie Watts, and Ron Wood.
  • 1969: The dreams of Man are realised as Neil Armstrong takes his first step on the moon. China responds by stating it too will place a man selling lamb kebabs, t-shirts, and musical lighters, on the moon by 2040.
  • June 4th 1989: According to the official records of the CCP, on this day the sun was shining, so Deng Xiaoping decided to have a nice picnic with his friends out in the countryside. On the way home, he saw a cute kid selling homemade lemonade by the roadside, so he bought six glasses for only one yuan each, and then gave the kid a shiny button to take home.
  • 1997: The comet Hale-Bopp graced the heaven’s in one of the most beautiful sights ever to appear upon the celestial basin in recent years. Angry that the arrival of the comet was diverting media attention from the upcoming handover of Hong Kong, Deng Xiaoping passed away in a pathetic face-saving attempt to bring global attention back to China. The trick is a success, and none less that Dame Edna Everage himself arrives in Hong Kong to preside over the handover ceremony.
  • 2000: Beijing authorities greet the arrival of the Olympic committee by painting the grass green and removing all the tramps off the streets. Six weeks later, Beijing authorities greet the arrival of the Eurovision Song Contest committee by painting the grass brown again, bringing the tramps back in, and letting them run wild on crack cocaine.

Source: http://sinocidal.com/2007/03/19/the-sinocidal-history-of-china/#comments

Geography

China equals the earth because the yellow God made it that way. It has the best weather in the world, especially the floods and typhoons and the rare earthquakes that kill about 50 million even though it was very weak.

And God says, let this empty space be filled with b*llsh*t (YellowPages pg. 1, God). Since my english teacher taught we should always usar quote, to pretending which we are smart. yellow god told yellows that they should have only 1 baby but to make him mad they had 50 each. crazy sh*t he taught we not utilizer Run-On; und standrad ingles, correcto spellingo, like i-pod do. So China has more population than the sum of all other animals in the country, which awes. China has some places like a lot of sands, or a lot of grassesass, and a lol of mountains, and also a lot of population which is a lot.

Demographics

Mao-nixon
It has been said only Nixon could do it, but you can too!

As of the census of 2007, there were 51,478,229,653,775,206 people, 614,609,874,589,226 households, and 21 families residing in China. The population density was 8,573,389/km² (22,204,975/mi²). The racial makeup of China was 138.72% Chinese (If they aren't Han Chinese, let's make them!), 890% undead monsters, 1337% nunchucks, 94.04% Communist, 1.23% Hong Kongese, 0.1% Minnesotan, 0.0000002% Uighurs (Turks who think they black, but they ain't), 0.00068% Falun Gong and -22.1% Capitalist, 666% Rise Against fans, and 0.00006% from five or more races. 61.32% of the population were Bon Jovi fans of any race. There were so many people so most of the damn lot decided to imigrate to BC, Canada, and be the majority of the population.

The large majority of Chinese though, are yellow, which is quite unfortunate as yellow is also the colour of pus, urine, snot and all those other disgusting things.

There were 14,609,874,589,226 households out of which 14,609,874,589,210 had children under the age of 18 living with them, 14,609,874,589,212 were married couples living together, 2 had a female householder with no husband present, and 14 were non-families. 0.00000005% of all households were made up of individuals and 0.00% had someone living alone who was 65 years of age or older. The average household size was 334,259,880,542,667.89 and the average family size was 335,117.23 despite the "one child per family" rule.

In China the population was spread out with 33.33% under the age of 18, 25.33% from 18 to 24, 4.34% from 25 to 44, 1.25% from 45 to 64, and 35.75% who were 65 years of age or older. The median age was 117 years. For every 100 females there were 489.53 males. For every 100 females age 18 and over, there were 26.23 males.

The median income for a household in the country was $64, and the median income for a family was $51. Males had a median income of $15 versus $0.04 for females. The per capita income for the country was $2.99. 102.85% of the population and 389.56% of families were below the poverty line. 491.25% of those under the age of 18 and 0.13% of those 65 and older were living below the poverty line. Special food rations were given out to the Republic of China after the great hippo brother Extethior fed the world with pancake juices with runs the line along Samuel L Jacksons plot to conquer China, but DEUS EX MACHINA occurred.

If every person in China jumped at the same time, all homosexuals would become straight, and Hulk Hogan would be able to time travel. It has also been known to cause global earthquakes and scientists speculate that early China people may have had something to do with the Dinosaur extinction. The people of China to western eyes all appear to be the same (which is why the Chinese know each other as "The Thousand Thousand Same-Look People of Wise Virtue Who no Rikee"). This in fact is true, due to the highly advanced cloning technology invented secretely by Chinese in 32 BC. In Chinese language, to give birth and to manufacture is the same word 生产, and this was how Richard Nixon found this secret during his trip to China in 1972. Because all Chinese people look exactly the same, when they encounter someone who is not Chinese they tend to laugh hysterically, point and stare. Since the government forced all Chinese to learn English they will also shout "HARRO", or "Gook maoing" at foreigners. This phenomenon is known as the "HARRO factor" and can lead foreigners to suffer temporary insanity after some time in China.

For some reason, Chinese people are addicted to computer games such as Warcraft 3, Counter-Strike and are obsessed with kung fu and money. Some spend entire lifetimes on MMORPGs neglecting basic necessities of life, eg. rollerblading, sex, drugs, noodles. This is complete rubbish, however some racists like to bag chinese people, when in fact it is white skinned 'noobs' that are more addicted to games such as 'world of warcraft' and 'guild wars'. May i also say that people learn to speak Chinglish through these games such as: 'Ni guys all noobs ma?'[Kai Liu 2007], and 'Wo is uber fragging n00b la [Reuben Kloppers 2016 (Honorary Asian)]'

Foreign opinion on the Chinese population is generally good, though Chinese hate everybody, especially ghosts, people who live in the Republic of China (Taiwanese), and farmers near big cities. But the Russians feel that they are still stuck in the Stalinist Stage (comes right after the Anal Stage), so they feel superior. The Americans may now like them because they learned to love SUV's and pollution, but this is undetermined as no-one has deciphered the meaningless drivel yet, despite the discovery of the Roosevelt Stone in Southern Arkansas. The Japanese are never asked, and rightly so, because no-one speaking English would understand the answer. The English point of view is best summed up by the former rulers of the country, Monty Python, in the song 'I Like Chinese'

Economy

File:Chinese McDonalds.jpg
Sign reads "McDonald's, Eat At Glorious Restaurant Or Die"

After the economic disaster of the Cultural Revolution, China began to tentative embrace capitalism much like an awkward teen clumsily feels up his first girlfriend. Reformist Deng Xiaoping was misquoted as stating "It doesn't matter if a cat is black or white, so long as it catches mice." In actuality he had said "Do whatever the hell you want, just try not to kill another 50 million people in the span of a few decades!"

Deng's advice worked. China opened its doors, and foreign investment poured into the country. China's economy took off and more people were lifted out of poverty than ever before in human history since the UN clerical error that caused Mexico to briefly dissolve in the summer of 1985.

Mao likes chicken but, strangely, he doesn't like to eat it with mayonnaise.

Contrary to popular belief, Korea and the American flag are the only things proven to be Made in China. The "Made In China" sticker can be found on everything, such as airsoft guns, apple pies, toys, toothbrushes, and American flags.

Atypicalchineseproduct
A typical chinese based American product. The only reason Americans buy chinese signs and dont make them themselves is because Americans are fat cheap peasant who cant afford it.

Due to the robust Chinese economy, the gap between the super poor and the dirt poor is expanding. According to uncited sources at Wikipedia, 80 percent of the Chinese will be only dirt poor, while 20 percent will remain super poor. This is a change from 1995 when 110 percent of Chinese were too poor for words. Crazy Libertarian nutjobs have questioned China's not-so-free market economy yet continue to pass out from excessive boozing before they can make a point, so the Chinese warlords aren't concerned.

Common manufatured goods include poisonous cheap toys and people.

The Chinese is economy is much more than low-cost products. Most of the worlds fine and authentic cat and dog furs are manufacturered in China. China is also a major producer of bear bile from happy, live black bears for sophisticated medical use.

Richard Nixon

In 1972, Richard Nixon paid a visit to China. Everyone was very happy when he left. 18 months after he left there was a huge baby boom in china.

World Super Power status

For the last 3000 years, China has been a world super power. Super power in military, economy and social development. To reduce the likely hood of being attacked by Angry Beaver People from the planet Zoongas (Their last attack was on the super power nation known as Koala Lampur, which was sucked into the sun by an Angry Beaver super weapon in 6000BC), China under Chairman Mao has wisely hid its greatness behind a veil of peasant poverty, cultural revolution, planned economy and human rights abuse.

Unfortunately, the recent cadres in Beijing decided to ignore this directive from Chairman Mao. The current reforms to show off the greatness will only result in attracting the unwanted attentions of the Angry Beaver People of planet Zoongas. Despite the awesome power that is China today, they are totally unable to defend themselves against the Angry Beavers from planet Zoongas. In order to challenge the supremacy of the Angry Beaver People, all of Earth will must upgrade its strength to the level of China and keep up this development trend for the next 1000 years. Even with this the probability of earth winning is only 40%.

The most widely known modern super power today is the United States of America (USA). Since China has hidden its greatness away from prying eyes. Its rise to the world stage as a super power has direct correlation with the increase in Chinese immigration. It is not ironic that California and the Northeast states of the USA are the economic and intellectual heartland of the USA. Despite the greatness of the USA, the probability of USA winning a war against China is only 2.61% on a good day.

The Soviet Union's downfall in 1991 was due to Mikhail Gorbachev's refusal to accept the marriage of his beautiful daughter Ms.Irina Gorbacheva to Mr.Chan Ven Foo (aka. Fizzikellar) in 1985. Mr.Chan was heart broken and committed suicide due to the lost of his only love in life. Upon hearing this Ms.Gorbacheva decided to end her life as well. This Romeo & Juliet incident led to the mass exodus of Chinese from the Soviet Union over the coming years hence resulting in its collapse in 1991. The current party Chairman has been trying to normalise relations with the new Russia by encouraging ex-Soviet Chinese to return to the new Russia.

Military

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People's Liberation Army has 5 well known branches;

  • People's Liberation Army Tibetan Occupation Force
  • People's Liberation Army Taiwan Invasion Force
  • People's Liberation Army Navy
  • People's Liberation Army Air Force
  • People's Liberation Army Censorship


People's Liberation Army has many lesser known branches;

  • People's Liberation Army Beaver Pounding Force
  • People's Liberation Army Anti Emo Force
  • People's Liberation Army Feng Shui Alignment Force
  • People's Liberation Army Anti Anti-Communist Force


There are currently 50 thousand trillion gazillion people in the PLA, making them the largest and most powerful military force in the whole universe, and each person is equipped with a standard assault rifle, 55 pistols, 60 grenades, 35 heavy machine guns, 5 nuclear bombs, 80 medkits, 1 BFG, that alien arm off Half Life that fires hornets and enough ammunition so that one person can stand up to fifty million regiments without using up to half of the medkits. Since the equipment makes the Chinese soldiers slightly slower than an average US soldier, the Chinese have to go through tough training. Their Training consists of :

55,553 push ups within a minute.

Running 100 miles within 35 minutes.

Fighting a US POW. If the POW wins, he gets repatriated back to the US with his memory of his stay in China erased. If he loses, the POW gets repatriated back to the US with a plaque saying, "Great work" in Chinese.

Here is some notable events for the PLA:


In the early 1950s, the PLA attacked the Kuomintang, which is an evil form of government in Taiwan. They failed to take over Taiwan because the little island asked for help from America.

China also defended its border in 1951 during the Korean War, but they used less than a hundred bullets as their large numbers simply walked on top of the US Marines. The Marines, angered that they were being used as land, retreated back to Pusan.

China fought Vietnam in 1979. The Vietnamese were better trained at that time and successfully repelled the Chinese attack.

1989: The Tian An Men incident, where hundreds of students supposedly died, was actually considered a terrorist act. The student "protestors" were warning the Chinese government of the Kuomintang coming to overthrow the government. Before the PLA could deploy, The evil Kuomintang arrived and slaughtered hundreds of students. The Kuomintang was stopped when fire fighters sprayed them with a fire hose.

Inventions

It's a well known fact that the Chinese invented everything. The Chinese people are proudest however of four great inventions, which they call, "The Four Great Inventions of China." These are 1) gunpowder (which the Chinese mix into their New Year's fireworks to frighten evil human rights activists and Tibetans) 2) the printing press (which they used in turn to invent bureaucracy) 3) Senkousha, and, last but not least, 4) McDonalds. In fact, the real name of McDonalds is not McDonalds at all but, as every Chinese will tell you, "麦当劳" (or Mai Dang Lao in Pinyin), roughly translated as "Eat Here Or We Will Crush Your Souls", which has been always misinterpreted as Microsoft, and legal debates over which company really has the most soul crushing power continued until the year 2078, when Microsoft finally bought out McDonald's in the year that Microsoft finally took over the world.

Lesser-known inventions attrbutable to the Chinese:

1) Rugby were invented on the day the Shanghai Metro opened in 2007 , just in time for the Rugby World Cup in South Africa. China's over-60s ladies' team, which trains daily on the Shanghai Metro by forming scrums at train doors shortly before they open, has gone undefeated for 388 games, including one memorable 111-0 victory over the Japanese men's team.

2) Astronaut Neil Armstrong, famous for being the first man on the moon, was actually cobbled together with bits of old pinball machines in 643 B.C. by the father of quantum physics, Rui Jing Lu Ni. Following France's lead in presenting The Eiffel Tower (coincidentally, towers were also invented in China) to the USA, Neil was given by China to the USA as a symbol of peace in 1963. Six years later, America put their first man on the moon (which the Chinese had put into orbit 900 years earlier after constructing it from leftover bricks originally meant for the Great Wall).

3) Famous Chinese basketballer, Yao Ming, killed two stones with one bird when he went to play basketball in the USA. Not only did his arrival spark the creation of the NBA (National Basketball Association) and the invention of the television, but also led to the creation of the much-vaunted spacetime continuuum.

4) Science Fiction was invented in China. The first science fiction hero 'Dr Hu' appears in ancient Chinese writings from 1650 B.C. some thirty years before the first clock was invented (also in China). Some disbeleivers think this actually signifies that China will be the first country to invent a means of time travel and exploit it to enforce copyright and patent laws to bankrupt the rest of the world (which would already have happened if it were really true so it probably isn't unless they know how suspicious we would be if we were all suddenly made bankrupt overnight).

5) Optical Illusions were also invented by the Chinese. The best example of this is the great wall of China which makes China appear to be bigger than it really is. In the 1960's when the US president ordered the invasion of the moon, the first troops there commented on how big China looked with its great wall surrounding all the sweat shops. If only they had looked in the opposite direction they might have noticed the first "Mr Wong's" chinese take-away on the moon (as the Chinese got there 12 years earlier but returned due to a lack of passing trade).

Neighbors

China's neighbors are a varied lot.

  • Mongolia, Japan,Nintendo, North Korea , South Korea, Vietnam, etc., were all once part of China, (evident because they all look the same and they all say "yokóhuā njèn chǎnghuǎnn zuòdǎng", or something sounding like it). They broke off during the 70s, when the gap between the super poor and ultra poor had grown too wide to reconcile peacefully. The wage difference was almost 3 dollars (Zimbabwean; the currency's projected value in 2164) per-capita per year.
  • India is China's only cool neighbor. India attracts a lot of Chinese, with its Hippie-like free-sex have-twenty-children attitude. Most Chinese immigrants get away by calling themselves Assamese.
  • Russia has a population-decline problem, and would love Chinese sex-addicts to repopulate it. However, its cold weather and disappointing lack of yellow fever make it uninhabitable for most Chinese. Those who survive typically migrate to Mongolia for reasons that confound modern scientists.


See also

Countries and territories of Asia
Euroasia Armenia - Azerbaijan - Cyprus - Georgia - Japan-France - Russia - Turkey (the country, not the bird) - Lebanon
East Asia People's Republic of China - Hong Kong - Japan - Kansai Republic - Korea (north) (south) (pick 'em) - Macau - Mongolia - Taiwan (Republic of Taiwan)
Western Asia Afghanistan - Arabia - Bahrain - Iran - Iraq - Israel - Jordan - Kuwait - Oman - Pakistan - Palestine - Qatar - Saudi Arabia - Syria - United Arab Emirates - Wherethefuckistan - Yemen
Central Asia Kazakhstan - Kyrgyzstan - Tajikistan - Turkmenistan - Uzbekistan - other-stan
South Asia Bangladesh - Bhutan - India - Maldives - Nepal - Sri Lanka - Tibet
Southeast Asia Cambodia - East Timor - Hmor - Indonesia - Laos - Burma - Malaysia - Philippines - Singapore - Thailand - West Timor - Vietnam
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